aurora malefici

not at all who i was, who i am, or who i will be // fueled by leaf and light and liberation

[cigarettebuttlift]

i have this plant. it's my magic plant. whatever i think i need or want, i toss intention at my plant. i wanted a great big life change. so what do i do. i gave my lonnnnng-limbed friend a complete pixie cut. cut away all the old growth, rotten growth, spotty growth. 3 days later, my husband is calling me freaking out because he got a much better position within his company and we're moving to a completely different city. we've been working the past 2 weeks getting everything boxed up and ready to move. we leave in 2 days. we're terrified, we're exhilarated, we're closer to where we wanna be.

my trauma is healed. i'm working towards certifications 'cause i ain't got no time for a 4 year degree. rolling stones gather no moss? i beg to differ, thanks.

and luck? luck is a 5-finger discount on the future. what you do with your bounty is up to you.

[cigarettebuttlift]

i return briefly to post this photo:

i wasn't even thinking of a question, just sitting deep in my own feelings about the state of my soul

what a goddamn fucking spread to pull! the pinpoint of the accuracy is perfectionist embroidery level. literally gobsmacked. never had a reading this clear or shouty about my bright bright future 👀👀👀

===edit to add!===

ps, i dunno about anyone else, but the last 4-6 months...i'd been unable to hear the future rumbling. i'm always able to hear the hum of it, like ambient crowd chatter. but it's been completely dead silent the further forward i tried to listen. not even vibrations. i thought something absolutely godawful terrible was coming to destroy the earth

that silence made my soul tingle with creepiness...

then feb 1st, late late into the night, i was deep in a weed high and i was suddenly SLAMMED with a wall of clairvoyant sound. like some little butterfly effect thing happened in that exact moment and the future blasted awake like a bomb

i'm hoping that means all hope isn't lost. sensing shit like that isn't an exact science (ever at all honestly). but the fact the noise came back...

relief

[cigarettebuttlift]

according to the ancient texts, my own personal life is falling apart spectacularly because i'm being prepared to just bloom like crazy. as in, an entire garden of eden instead of just a rose bush or some bullshit like that

i do rather feel like i have been bodied forcefully down the stairs and now all the angels and demons are standing over my broken body commanding me to stand up

and i'm just staring up at them, blursing them for both doing this to me and supporting me through it

this is the messiest fucking spiritual awakening i have ever heard of, having lasted way too long (literally my entire life)

survivor? no. i am someone alive, who keeps getting up after the last knock down. clawing my way forward if i am unable to even crawl. i do not survive. i find new ways to be alive

preparing me for the future i need to live in

atoning for the lives i never tried to live

merry christmas and happy new year, eh? 🎄🥂

[cigarettebuttlift]

baba yaga seedling

plant in late fall; will sprout earlier than crocuses; ready to harvest when you are

[cigarettebuttlift]

Fireworks Light Up Duluth Skies During Gavin DeGraw's Concert At Bentleyville

On a November night in Duluth, loud fireworks startled residents, coming from Gavin DeGraw's concert at Bentleyville—an unusual festive surp

this actually caused a small wave of panic in downtown because it was so fucking loud with the booms. hubs and i ourselves thought that a gang war was happening in the streets (seriously no hyperbole) and just turned out all the lights to continue watching our movie

the lack of communication is actually typical for duluth. whatever rot is spreading through city and community leader channels is doing so at greater speeds than usual

for example, pretty sure the entire Community Action Duluth org just fell all the way apart in the space of a week as more and more corruption was revealed

like

i don't want to live here anymore. this town has all the charm of a long-dead water bloated rat floating in a slime of sewage

hubs and i can't save up fast enough to move several states away

[cigarettebuttlift]

i always knew who i might be deep beneath, and i'm realizing that i have unlocked new tiers of psychological strength, such as asking for help and just being myself in a group instead of apologizing for my existence every 5 minutes. so i think i finally found enough confidence in myself to level UP

like...i was a level 3 human before, but i got enough xp and gold to reclass and level like woah and now i'm a level 9 druid with 3 levels of fighter. my gear is not legendary, but solid

my mission is to return to the earth. and to be subtle; to breathe my own life back into me. a time for me to be selfish for my self

winter is the perfect season to strategize new life paths

[cigarettebuttlift]

i test every witchcraft to the fullest. been doing all sorts of crap for 27 years. check this out, my lastest is this:

i began with a plant i've nurtured for a long time. an almost symbiotic relationship

i buried a baby rodent in the pot. it had died in my hands and it devastated me at the time because of other things i was going through. representing finally laying my past to rest (2 months later, i cut off my entire toxic family after a horrific incident)

i planted cuttings directly in the dirt to see what they would do. they grew roots and took hold and began shooting out new leaves. representing spiritual rebirth and growth (this forced the last constipated bit of my stubborn trauma to break free and start screaming freedom and started the closure process of this years-long spiritual awakening)

on a road trip, i found a butterfly stuck in the grill half smashed. it was still alive and i held it in my hands till it passed. she too, i buried in the pot. representing the hundreds of tiny deaths we experience every day, the consequences of our choices (i stopped excusing my behavior and started trying to find the motivation to overcome my severe executive dysfunction)

over the summer, i laid a quarter on top of the soil. representing material wealth (found a job not long after that i not only love, but have blossomed even more under the care and support of my coworkers, clients, friends, and my husband)

magic IS this easy

[cigarettebuttlift]

ps, you don't need a degree for permission to have opinions or run a business or build a backyard starship that'll take you to alpha centauri

just do it. who's going to stop you?

[cigarettebuttlift]

i simply am unable, once again, to describe the events in my life in a way that would be believable if it was ANYONE ELSE ON THE FUCKING PLANET

but it's me

i was born with chaos and witchcraft in my blood. i do not know how to tell all the parts of my story from beginning to this moment, coherently, without being called a liar

but i am no longer convinced that my life is random. even the chaos seems pre-planned, as if god made a list of all the things i want and then gave me the opposite. 'cause i don't know what i want apparently 👀

[cigarettebuttlift]

hashtag van life?

[cigarettebuttlift]

who . am . i

i am who

everyone is

going to be

wrong about

[cigarettebuttlift]

you never know that you're falling fast and hard enough to punch through several rock bottoms until you reach your final form of deconstructed jelly

and then everyone who has fallen here fails to inform you that hell isn't the destination. it's just the place you land to start planting the seeds of yourself. to climb back out again

yeah. again

i am the Pope of Rock Bottom's Bottom

that sounds very wrong and naughty, but it's true. and i gotta climb out again

[cigarettebuttlift]

if you stop living on the edge...

you might stop falling off of it

[cigarettebuttlift]

found my new favorite sub reddit. i should make myself a marcus. or maybe a dozen

i need something to keep me from focusing on how awful i feel as a human being with emotions

[cigarettebuttlift]

things no one will tell you, a list

no one tells you that healing a significant amount of brutal childhood trauma feels like your soul dying and dying and dying until it can't die anymore. and then it keeps dying in ways you didn't think were possible. some people call this a "spiritual awakening" and it is as horrible as you would think. but the peace from all the deaths inside of you calms all the storms that have been raging in you for so long, you didn't even know they were there

if you're still somewhere in the middle... you're on the way. don't stop

[cigarettebuttlift]

if you've been fat your whole life, no one tells you that when you lose a significant enough amount of weight, you start to feel your bones and it will freak you out for several weeks because you will internally be screaming "HAVE MY SHINS ALWAYS BEEN THIS SHARP?? WHY DO MY WRISTS FEEL LIKE THAT??"

[cigarettebuttlift]

things no one will tell you, a list

no one tells you that healing a significant amount of brutal childhood trauma feels like your soul dying and dying and dying until it can't die anymore. and then it keeps dying in ways you didn't think were possible. some people call this a "spiritual awakening" and it is as horrible as you would think. but the peace from all the deaths inside of you calms all the storms that have been raging in you for so long, you didn't even know they were there

if you're still somewhere in the middle... you're on the way. don't stop

[cigarettebuttlift]

when i see another Wall Drug bumper sticker

my biblically accurate guardian angel

gets another pair of eyes and wings