Becca

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"I know there's someplace you'd rather be

somewhere else not here with me; it's all over your face.

I can see, and I feel it, But I need to hear it, or else I just keep hoping...

I wish we never met."

-Alice Boman

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Fearful Avoidant

As you probably guessed by the title...yes, I have a fearful avoidant love attatchment style. I didn't come up with this on my own though, I was talking to my best friend about how I felt about this boy I'm dating and she says "I'm hearing lots of things pointing to you being a fearful avoidant... are you? Cause I think you are." Well damn. I heard the terminology before but I wasn't too sure what the differences between the few were. So I did my research and sure enough that's my exact attatchment style to the literal T. I just didn't know there was a name for something so small and dumb. Anyways there's this guy I'm currently seeing exclusively. whatever that means nowadays. We're just going to refer to him using his nickname. Tad. We've only been seeing each other for a month and some days now and we've already decided to be exclusive to only each other. Now his dating history before me was some chick that he wasn't official with but was in dealings with for 7 MONTHS. I already warned him that I will not be the same thing so you better know if you want this or not. But so far I really like him. I dont know. It feels as if it's been so long. We've been on a handful of dates, I've slept over at his place, we've had sex. (yes he's a starving man iykyk) Although it sounds all good right now it was pretty rocky in the beginning. He sucked at communicating with me and would leave me on delivered for countless hours texting me back at random hours of the night. Absolutely not, I don't even play like that and I let him know how I felt and I do not approve of such behaivor at all. Since those 3 times...yes I know. 3. He hasn't done it and has been texting me throughout the day more and giving me a fair heads up on if he's gonna be busy or going to bed instead of leaving me to guess and coming back when he feels like it. Besides that though I don't see much red flags in him. He's sweet, very considerate, understanding, caring, and just so manly and so far mature. He took care of me when my car tire gave out flat twice in 24 hours. He drove an hour to my house and got me 4 brand new tires with an alignment all while I was at work. And reimbursed me for the money spent on the first faulty mechanics' work along with money for an uber to and from work. Never had a man go lengths like that for me. Just the other day when I came over I told him I was craving a chai tea for breakfast and instead of just buying it at a store he surprised me with an electrical kettle and 2 boxes of black tea alone with a 24 ct. dixie hot cups w/lids. One of the teas being chai. How thoughtful. And can you believe after all of that my foolish big girl brain still doubts if he actually likes me or not.. The torment is getting out of hand and all I can do is blame and heal from the trauma. The trauma of "Horse" that demon spawn sent to earth. My last relationship scarred me so bad it's ruining the way I percieve "love, intimacy, and vulnerability". I'm scared and in doubt 24/7. I keep looking for ulterior motives and trying to be 10 steps ahead of heartbreak. Shutting off certain parts of myself in fear that they won't be accepted or he'll change his mind. Scared of being hurt and not valued enough. I keep running to a robot asking it to give me logical reasoning and explanations to my mental madness hoping I can hear a response my brain can finally be satisfied with but I am still driven up the wall. My heart wants to accept him fully but my mind keeps telling me to shut it off and don't "be too comfortable". However that's exactly how I feel around him. Comfortable. I don't get those anxious butterflies around him trying to put on a front. I feel so at peace, not being compared to anyone, being treated like a princess and just love and cared for. However now my new dilemma is me. My feelings. Am I sure that I like HIM or do I like this FEELING? I'm trying to think of our personalities and our awkwardness together. However all this awkwardness is stemming from my lack of openly showing affection. I can hardly give out good compliments. Well lie.

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Bitch I'm a mother?

Okay first off, god forbid. No, I am not a mother, however... I did something really careless that could have led to me becoming one. Fear not; I will be visiting my nearest CVS to fix this little problem. Anyways. I saw him again. Yes him. It was longer this time. Anyways. He told me something that was rather embarrassing. So, on said site, you can see who's been looking at your account. I didn't know this, so for two weeks, I've just been logging on, taking a peek at his account, and ghosting him because I was sick and on my period and kinda wanted to play this mysterious girl thing. It turns out it was a failure, and now it's awkward. "So how many times were you looking at my account this week" I froze. Too many times. "And when did you finally text me back?" A week later. "So why are you playing games with me?" I laid there quiet asf. "Don't make me wait that long again okay baby?" Mind you, this conversation is happening while he's in me, and I'm trying to give him decent audible responses. He found it funny, thank god. I was dying on the inside from embarrassment. Anyways. This man has me whipped because this time around the kisses were deeper and more intimate and he was so gentle yet rough when he needed to be. He kept kissing me on my forehead and apologizing when he was being too rough. "I'm sorry baby, you want me to go slower?" Anyways. After the fact, we drove to CVS which was closed so he ended up sending me the money, which is where I fucked up. On the platform we used, my REAL name is on there. So now theres room on the table for questions. Fuck. Anyways. We talked a little about our favorite music artists and that was that. He did say something else that shocked me just a little. "Text me when you get home safely." Hm. That's a first.

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Yellow Pages

I remember when I was a little girl, I was living with my grandmother, and I used to miss my mother so much because I'd go weeks without hearing from her. After all, she had changed her phone number so much. Back then, there was this big yellow book called the "Yellow Pages," and it was a phone directory with practically everyone's phone number, from businesses to personal cells. I remember flipping through the pages every day, hoping to see her name so I could finally talk to her and tell her how much I missed her and wanted to see her. I'd look for her name every day, over and over. I would repeatedly go down the same page with the letter of her name in case I missed it. My grandma would always tell me to stop looking because it wouldn't be there, but I had so much hope that her name would just start glowing in the book one day, screaming, "Please call me. I miss you too, baby." Obviously, that never happened, and I just started thinking that maybe she didn't want to see or talk to me. It felt like she was running away and hiding from me. Like a game of hide and go seek, except it felt like she never wanted to be found. Every time I did get ahold of her new number, it would be changed within the next month, and I was back at square one with no number and no mother. As I write this years later, we still have zero sense of a mother-daughter relationship, and it still hurts so bad. Especially now around the holidays when you need family the most.

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I wish we never did it..

So, like everyone else, I have a type. Personally, I love a nerdy, funny, quiet guy. Unfortunately, these men seem to never go for women like me. Maybe I don’t appear nerdy enough, or I’m just not their visual audience. I don’t know what type of girls they like; I’m still figuring that out. Anyways. There’s this website I usually go on when I’m looking for a minor sexual fix. And before you go judging me, here’s my logic. 1. I don’t necessarily want a boyfriend 2. I hate small talk 3. I’m just horny as fuck. Okay, for starters, I don’t have the time between work and school(sorta) to have a boyfriend. I work 40 hours a week and have school when I’m not working (sorta). And if I’m not doing either of those two, I’m out with my girls or at home chilling with my cat. At peace. Anyways. On this particular site, you chat with people and just meet up to fuck. I’ve been on it for a couple months and met up with 4 guys so far, and I’ve only fucked 3 out of the 4. (One of them only gave me head). Anyways. The latest guy. At first sight, he is my type to the core. He was tall, nerdy looking, with a slim muscular build, and his dick was huge. And another plus is that we are closer in age. Since we hooked up that one night I have been going insane because I completely regret fucking him. Not because it was terrible, it was actually great, but solely because I wish I met him under different circumstances. And it’s driving me nuts because I’ve been searching for my type to the point where I just thought they didn’t exist anymore. But lo and behold, this fucking guy. what. a. joke. And you want to hear the worst part about it? We live in the same fucking neighborhood. Chances of us crossing paths in broad daylight are still pretty slim, but still, it pisses me off knowing we shop at the same grocery stores, and yet this is how I have to meet him. Anyway, since that night, I told myself I wouldn’t log back onto that site for another month because of this; of course, I failed, and that's the only reason I’m writing this. Anyways. He basically asked to see me again, and I am debating because, of course, I would like to hook up again, but the mental anguish this is causing me is horrid. Maybe because the dick was too good? I don’t know; either way, I wish we never fucking did it.

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"Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways."- Sigmund Freud

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What-- Who is a Mother?

She was only 16 years old. Fast forward to now. That makes it 20 years she's been pushing me farther and farther away from her. So far, there have been 4 boys, one girl, a cat, and a dog after me. So that means she put 1..2…3…4…7! Seven. She put seven things between me and her. The oldest.

It's been almost a year now since I moved out and went off to college, and I haven't gotten a single visit from her. But yet, I always went out of my way to make the train ride and visit them. Visit her new baby, my new "little brother"… The "brother" I didn't even know about until he was due in 2 months. The brother that was kept in secret from ME. The oldest.

"I want to start over and raise a good, obedient child. One that actually listens to me and is gonna be very smart and tidy."

So, another slave?

The child who, for a year now, still cannot speak, does not listen, and is certainly not the tidiest. So what happens after that? A dog…she gets a fucking dog… Out of all of the choices she could have made in this life. She chooses to have six kids, a cat, and a dog. None of which she actually "raises".

But what about me mommy...?

I graduated in the top 10% of my class with a 4.0 GPA, attended magnet schools and programs from middle to high school, maintained good grades, participated in sports, joined clubs, and ultimately made a name for myself amid competition. I got accepted into good schools in our home state, saved money, opened a credit line, maintained good credit since then, saved $1700 on car repairs, and saved even more to afford to move out and start renting. Why are you not satisfied? Why aren't you paying attention to anything I do? I did all of this because you asked me to. I couldn't do the bare minimum because of you and because I'm the OLDEST.

I struggle to pay my rent on time, and I never have any money for groceries; I totaled that same car I saved up for and got a new one, but it was in no better condition, so it stopped working after a month. Yet, here I am, in a city I've only been in for a year, 2 hours away from home and family, alone. And yet, not a single visit from you. Not even a check-up. A call, a text.. nothing.

Exactly what I am to you… nothing.