And It Felt Like Magic💕💫✨ @cimorelliisupatnight - Tumblr Blog

Just before my sixteenth birthday, I kissed a boy.

This was my very first kiss.

When I was little, I used to think that maybe I’d save that kiss for marriage; that it would be beautiful and special and with the person I love. I used to think that all forms of physical affection are incredibly special, and that they should be saved for people who you really care about. For some reason, in the past couple years; I’ve developed a different viewpoint on physical affection, (one that I am currently changing). Before I had my first kiss, I somehow thought that it “wasn’t a big deal”. I almost saw it as something I just wanted to get out of the way, because most girls my age already had their first kisses, and so I just wanted to experience what everyone else had. I did not understand the gravity and importance of physical affection until after this boy kissed me. I had to learn the indescribably hard way that it means SO much more. Your first kiss is NOT something you have with just anyone; it’s NOT something you just “give away”. Kissing changes EVERYTHING. It makes a person cemented in your mind for long periods of time, they are stuck in your thoughts, their words replay endlessly, and all you can think about is the feeling of being physically close with them. I have liked a lot of boys in my life, but I have never felt ANYTHING like what I felt for the boy who I kissed. I felt the most intense infatuation when I was with him, and the most painful heartbreak after he was gone. It was not because we had some long, beautiful relationship. I felt so different about him because after I kissed him, I felt like he had a piece of me, and I still do. I formed a deep connection with him that night, one that I’ve tried to sever that connection over the past couple months, but nothing works. I turned a short fling into a deep connection just from kissing him. The worst part of all of this is that he does not feel the same about me. He can say that he cares about me, but he will never feel the way I do. I trusted him in a way that I’ve never trusted anyone, and when he broke that trust, it broke me too. He will never understand the pain I feel, because he simply cannot. He might have felt that with the girl who was his first kiss, but he does not feel that with me. This boy was a bad choice for a first kiss, for numerous reasons, but I only saw that after. In the moment, him and I had talked about the months to come, he had been so genuine in saying he wanted a real relationship with me, and I thought that I wouldn’t regret it. I only saw his face, his hands, his eyes, telling me that he wanted this. I thought I could trust him, I thought I wouldn’t regret it, but I do. I have never regretted anything as much as I regret kissing that boy. And it wouldn’t have been THAT hard to stop it. I very easily could’ve said no, had I cared that this boy just got out of a relationship and still wasn’t over her, or if I thought twice about the fact that while I had known him for a long time, our “thing” had only been going on for 2 DAYS before he asked if he could be my first kiss. I probably should’ve taken a step back and thought that maybe physical affection didn’t mean enough to him if he was asking that after 2 days, but I was so blinded by this boys words and how touchy he was, that I did not see the absence of his actions. He did not take any actions to show that he cared about me. Now, I don’t think he is a bad person. He did not intentionally hurt me, and I am grateful that he apologized and tried to make things right after. This boy is simply a teenager, he is immature like every other teenage boy, and shouldn’t be asked to handle such important things such as an young girls emotional well being. However, he should have some form of responsibility, because we all know how much power boys can have over girls. The good ones don’t abuse that power. Now, I’m going to speak to the girls who have never been kissed. If you feel alone, or ugly, or like an outcast, or anything negative because of the state of your lips, please listen to what I’m about to say. You have something special. You have something that most people do not have, something I don’t have, and that is a choice. You have this incredible opportunity to make your first kiss something you WON’T regret, and that is by having it with someone who deeply cares about you, and shows it. Someone can say that they care about you, but the only way you will actually know is through their actions. For example, the boy who I kissed did care about me. Him and I were friends for a while, and we formed a connection before we were anything romantic. However, he didn’t do much to show that he cared about me. Something he could’ve done is maybe waited longer to start a relationship with me since he had just gotten out of a long relationship with someone else. That is a sacrifice he could’ve made that would’ve showed that he deeply cared about me. The boy you want to have your first kiss with should be respectful of your decision to not kiss him right away, he should talk to you about it first, and I think that you should be in a relationship with the person you’re kissing. Because, if you’re in a relationship, this guy has probably waited a significant amount of time (because sane people don’t become boyfriend and girlfriend after a day of knowing each other), and him committing to you as your boyfriend is an ACTION that he can take which shows that he truly cares. A guy can say “I know your first kiss is special”, but completely contradict that by asking to kiss you a week after he meets you. If you couldn’t tell already, I’m really trying to get across that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. If I had it my way, I would have been friends with the guy for a while, started dating him (not officially), NOT kissed him, he would ask me to be his girlfriend, and then after dating him for however long I feel is necessary, I have my first kiss with him. That would be so wonderful, and THAT would be a first kiss I wouldn’t regret. It wouldn’t be with a guy who I had been having a thing with for two days who didn’t think twice about kissing, because he had kissed so many girls. So, if you haven’t had your first kiss yet, be thankful. Take the words in your brain that appear when you think of how you’ve never been kissed, and turn them into something beautiful. You have something so special in your hands; in your control, so please don’t waste it. Do not brush it off as just something to “get out of the way”, because it means SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. Now, if anyone is reading this and is just like me: IT WILL BE OKAY. Maybe you kissed someone who ghosted and never spoke to you again, maybe your first kiss was stolen by someone who you didn’t even like, maybe you broke it off with the person who you kissed, whatever your situation is, I promise that it will be okay. Because relationships are not about kissing, and love is not centered around physical affection. There are sacrifices, actions, words, so many things that can make you feel closer to your significant other than physical affection ever will, so just wait for someone who understands that. Love is a verb. Love is a choice. Most of us probably weren’t in love when we had our first kiss, but I know that I would’ve liked to be.

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

03: Do you regret anything?

04: Are you insecure?

05: What is your relationship status?

06: How do you want to die?

07: What did you last eat?

08: Played any sports?

09: Do you bite your nails?

10: When was your last physical fight?

11: Do you like someone?

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

14: Do you miss someone?

15: Have any pets?

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

18: Are you scared of spiders?

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

26: What are you craving right now?

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

30: What’s irritating you right now?

31: Does somebody love you?

32: What is your favourite color?

33: Do you have trust issues?

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

51: Favourite food?

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

54: Is cheating ever okay?

55: Are you mean?

56: How many people have you fist fought?

57: Do you believe in true love?

58: Favourite weather?

59: Do you like the snow?

60: Do you wanna get married?

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

62: What makes you happy?

63: Would you change your name?

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

srsfunny

If Only Spiders Could Actually Talk

kaththepoet

now that it is october

I just wrote this on the plane ✈️

does he even miss me? does he think of me ever? i know he’s not the one but i always seem to think of him on airplanes those few moments we shared together cut through my mind in flashes

first him at the door, the little bouquet of flowers he held out for me, the scarlet of his cheeks when he smiled at me

the night in the parking lot when he picked me up into his arms and kissed my cheek tenderly

when he called as i drove up I-5 to visit my grandma, to say he hoped i had a safe trip

and then the night when everything began to crumble we held hands and walked the beach side by side but his heart was thousands of miles away already we sat on the sand in moonlight and i had already lost him he would not reach out to put his arm around me he put me so far from him- the “other”, the “stranger”- that was what i felt like then he closed off so cold to me then, it stung bitter and sometimes i just want to write poems that would rip daggers through him but deep down, i don’t his eyes too innocent, too intensely, painfully blue when he looked at me this past summer i haven’t heard from him in months and i suppose that’s quite alright i suppose this is how everything is supposed to be i suppose the pain is dull now that it is october

now that it is october, i suppose it is time to open up to new love.

10.30.15

kaththepoet

now that it is october

I just wrote this on the plane ✈️

does he even miss me? does he think of me ever? i know he’s not the one but i always seem to think of him on airplanes those few moments we shared together cut through my mind in flashes

first him at the door, the little bouquet of flowers he held out for me, the scarlet of his cheeks when he smiled at me

the night in the parking lot when he picked me up into his arms and kissed my cheek tenderly

when he called as i drove up I-5 to visit my grandma, to say he hoped i had a safe trip

now that it is october, i suppose it is time to open up to new love.

10.30.15

kaththepoet

Oceans

I wrote this poem about my experience at camp this week. I was really hesitant to go to this camp- my little sister Dani convinced me to come as a young adult leader, but I didn’t want to go, to be honest. It sounded like a lot of work- doing service projects all day in the hot sun? Sleeping on the floor? An all-night bus ride? I wasn’t looking forward to it. Even more than the trivial things like that, deep down I was scared. I was scared to be around so many teenagers, because being around a huge group of teenagers usually brings me back to a hurt place in me- my own teenage years. I was so painfully insecure and lost as a teenager. I was bottled up, numb, highly anxious and scared. I felt ugly and unwanted. It was such a painful time in my life. I compared myself with my sisters Christina and Lisa, always believing they were prettier and cooler than I was. I felt like an outcast. I felt like I was invisible to all the boys I liked. I firmly believed there was something wrong with me- that I was too skinny and straight like a pencil. That my nose was wrong, my hair was wrong. I looked in the mirror and all I saw were flaws. In crowds, at the football games on Friday nights and at Town Center, where it seemed like the entire local high school would gather to hang out every weekend night, I felt this gnawing in my stomach- loneliness, anxiety, desperation. What’s wrong with me? Why am I different? Why am I invisible? These were the heavy questions I carried everywhere. The summer after I turned 16, something in me shifted. “ENOUGH,” a little voice spoke out inside of me. I decided to stop trying, to stop caring so desperately about boys and other people’s opinions. It wasn’t that I was so brave and courageous and that’s why I stopped- I stopped out of necessity. It was too painful to keep thinking that way, so I had force myself to stop. Something had to give. I remember so clearly that summer when I was 16. It was magic. A door inside me opened and I found Katherine. I found a picture of who I was, who I wanted to be. She seemed like a pretty cool girl, especially compared to that nervous wreck I’d been at 14, 15, 16. I shed my toxic group of friends. I started playing my bass every night, sitting out on the front door step of my house, looking out into darkness and gently swaying trees. I learned Stevie Wonder riffs and Forever the Sickest Kids songs. I decided to start reading again- something I had abandoned for a few years there in favor of gossip and boy bands and reality TV- and I asked my Aunt Roly, who is very wise and also a fellow literature lover, for suggestions. I wanted to read the classics, books that would make me think. There was a beautiful library right below the big hill that my house sat atop. I began walking up and down the hill to the library with my backpack, filling it with books, and reading for hours. Catcher In the Rye, The Joy Luck Club, The Chosen, Jane Eyre, The Old Man And The Sea, The Grapes Of Wrath. Slowly, my mind started to open. “There’s so much more to life than my own fears and insecurities and hang-ups. There are millions of people in this world and incredible stories happening all around me.” That was the greatest thing I learned from my reading that summer, something I continue to learn with every new book. I created a special journal for summer- one of those “cow print” composition books. I wrote down quotes I liked in colorful markers. I added pictures of my family and friends and stickers. [This is a tradition I continue each summer to this day.] I started skateboarding all around my neighborhood with my little sister Lauren. We named the hills on our street- The Chill Hill and Black Diamond. I went on long walks, listening to music. I listened to Queen and The Temptations and The Cars and The Clash. Mayday Parade, FTSK, Jack’s Mannequin, Passion Pit, LIGHTS. I found my own music taste and realized it was a part of my identity. I started to write poetry and pour out all my thoughts and feelings onto the page. This was one of the greatest tools God gave me for healing and learning to know myself, to love myself, to be gentle and kind with myself when my previous mindset was criticism and harsh words. I had some transcendental prayer experiences that I still struggle to put into words. God became the center of my being, the Light at the core. Somewhere between 16 and 17, I started to love myself, just a little bit at a time. I grew from there, a life of color and motion and music. However, that young teenager, that hurt, insecure, lonely, scared girl was still inside. She was pretty quiet and buried down deep, but she was still there. She’d come out when I met a new boy. My hands would shake with anxiety as feelings of unworthiness rose to the surface. “Where did these come from?” I asked myself in shame. There are oceans inside of me. I was created by a loving God, and I can choose to see His beauty, or my own human flaws and failures. I’ve realized this. At camp this week, I met many beautiful people. They opened up and shared their stories, and in their fears and insecurities, innocence and beauty, brokenness and vulnerability, I saw myself. I cried with them and held their hands and prayed with them, and as this happened, that last broken piece from my teenage years rose slowly from the depths and healed. I am forever grateful. Thank you, Lord. It’s beautiful how He orchestrates our lives for healing and joy, if we let Him.

I was floating in a warm ocean His words His smile His presence surrounded me Turquoise and gold I tasted it all Innocence, hope I drank it thirstily He looked at me In a place where I used to see ugliness And his eyes named it Beauty His gaze was soft and soothing His arms were kites in the sky He held me like a precious Love And I fell into him comfortably, As if this was always meant to be His mouth pronounced my name Over and over Each time it sounded sweeter Each time I felt oceans better

And as the fabric billowed away I saw a little bit of blood I saw a small skeleton drop from the drawer and I saw beneath the curtains That He was God And He was always here He stripped back an odd, old layer It hurt a little as it was ripped away But I breathed out as the tears fell heavily And as I cried up to Heaven and said I was scared The Father dipped my head back into the water gently He baptized me and cleansed my wounds

I returned home last night Many months of darkness Finally shed A new heart, Infinitely lighter Cradled softly In Hands of Love.