You Said Something

I'm doing nothing wrong, riding in your car, your radio playing, we sing up to the eighth floor...

[cinamathing]

Being detached is hard.

Being attached is hard.

I wanted to return to who I was. Just hooking up and not idealizing a person or a situation because taking care of my dad is stressful to me. My ex couldn't really fulfill my needs and I felt like I wasn't dating the person I met. He just like gave up, didn't give me any surprises or presents the way he used to, I was willing to be understanding if his mental health issues and in the end I feel like I stayed with him because I felt bad for him. Everything he's been through and how he felt about himself but in the end I was betraying myself. I don't really have it in me to be my partners therapist, mother, life coach. I know that we have mental health issues but I feel like I need to be with someone who can regulate themselves like me and is actively working to better themselves. He had no ambitions, no desire to change at all. I don't want to be someones entire world I want to be a part of someone's world. It was drowning me because I felt like he is complacent with who he is and comfortable and a relationship should want to cause change I didn't want to be part of his life once I realized there was nothing to grow. He wasn't like the person he said he was and was being fake with my friends and family and me, I'm not going to trap myself again with a person I feel bad for so I ended things harshly so that he would hate me and leave me alone.

I had been vocal about how I was feeling for months and he never changed or would revert after he'd "change" and it occurred to me if I'm always telling him what to do he's not having any initiate to self actualize and do change himself and I don't want that either.

I'm talking to other guys now and some of them are clear that they just want a sexual relationship and other are a little more emotionally involved with me. I'm having an amazing connection with one of them and I'm scared that like Mac maybe this connection is too good to be true and I'm having feelings only to find that in the end they are not gonna chose me. I always do this, I think that maybe I am worthy of being chosen by this amazing person who is adamant about wanting to get to know my world and is inviting me to theirs.

Im always a visitor to these places, but never become a resident.

I am becoming attached and it makes me feel stupid.

I wanted something easy, something that would leave my heart stoic not longing and wanting and that's what's happening. Am I idealizing someone else again? Am I being stupid?

Im trying to have a sexual relationship without emotional attachment but my feelings always get in the way.

I don't know who to trust, my heart or my mind? In my experience whenever someone is too good to we true they leave and prove me wrong. That somehow I'm worthy of this type of admiration and dedication.

I never am.

I'm stupid to think that this one will be any different.

[cinamathing]

I broke up with Micheal. The truth is after I saw how weak he really was I was embarrassed. I didn't find him attractive there were no redeeming qualities. He was like a child, didn't have any ambitions, wasn't confident, wasnt hygienic, he didn't have convictions. He told he he "wasn't fucking around" with losing weight and I think he gained 20 lbs when we were together didn't want to join a gym or take ozempic honestly they make it for people like him. I feel like he's a coward and I'm not someone who will end up with a coward. I want a man with balls I can rely on, someone strong that will only rise me up not being me down. Someone with ambitions and dreams and passions not someone lazy who blames everyone else for their problems. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt until we went to the fair. Didn't want to do anything didn't have any thoughts in his head it was annoying like I feel like I was dating a performance and whenever I tried to get to know him for reals he'd just start crying like thats not what I mean I don't want to be with someone who doesn't even know who they are. I don't care if that makes me evil, I didn't care that he was mentally ill I minded that he didn't want to do anything about it he just wanted to keep crying about how nothing is his fault but he doesn't take action. It made me angry because he was a bad boyfriend and I felt like he wasn't a real man. I don't even think I'm being sexist but I feel like how can I be soft and open my heart to someone when they are weaker than I am? It's gross and I felt like an asshole but I suffer enough as it is I don't need a man child in my life making it worse.

I honestly feel like I'm not gonna date anymore for a while yeah I'm gonna be forty in a few years but these men are trash. The men my age are just broken. I wish I was 20 again and I could do it all over again knowing who to trust who not to how to live my life I wish I could redo my youth and make all the right decisions. It sucks that I wasted my youth chasing losers and now I'm just back to quick fun so that I don't go insane I do like connections but I've never met a man who could keep up with me or who wasn't a narcissist I never want to belong to anyone I belong to myself. I think that's better for everyone.

[cinamathing]

We tried our best to stay away.

Ive tried my best to stay away, but its not good. I just want to be happy and have a family of my own. I love my family, but i want to make my own life with someone. Im thinking more about my life passing me by, I don’t mind dealing with my family problems, but I want something more. I love Javi, but we don’t have a future, he may not want one, but I do. I’ve sacrificed so much for so many people in my life, and i feel like no one really wants me there anyways.

I just want to be in love, I want to dance under the moonlight caressing the face of the one i chose to gave my heart to.

Is that a crime?

I don’t want to run away from my trauma, I’ve taken these years to heal myself, inside and out.

I just want to wake up next to someone who is going to want to keep me there, and proves it to me.

I have a good heart, I have so much to give. No one wants it, they just want my body.

It makes me sad sometimes, that I’m only wanted for one thing.

I’m trying to date again. Is it futile? Am i just going to end up like I was being emotionally neglected and used for my body, for what I represent but not for whats inside my mind, my heart, or my soul? I wish I could find that person, someone who will fulfill my needs and make me feel like I can finally stop sailing through the harsh waters alone. If I had someone who wants to go all the way and no just leave me at a random harbor and take my ship with them.

I always get left behind. Always.

I wish that would stop.

I’m putting my self out there for someone to find, I feel like one of those discount puppies watching everyone else get adopted when I’m at work. I see the happy moms with their kids, no work, no cares, they have security.

Will I get to that 10 year mark? I don’t know if I’ll even make it to the 5th.

I think I will just have to risk it again, I know I’m risking it. I just want to try and see if there’s someone I’m supposed to meet now, I want to change my life and take control of the narrative instead of being swayed by everyone’s else’s waters. I want my ship to take me there, and I wont let anyone onboard who isn’t following my rules. Im tired of being swayed by other peoples water. I’m done with it.

I want to trust more openly, but I cant. I wish I could, but I cant. You’ll just have to deal with it.

It’s a shame, i know, but this is how it has to be, otherwise I’ll just stay alive and alone.

That’s not so bad. I’ve learned I actually love it.

[cinamathing]

I had another one of those dreams where I'm best friends with Matty Healy.

This time I was attending a party or private show, I also worked for the band or the label, I was picking up some posters or something I needed them to sign. I hung out with Matty drinking and talking about music, the newest shows and some places we wanted to eat at. He talked about how he misses just being regular but that he loves making music that can change people, he was really kind and sweet to me. I think that's a side of Matty that is genuine about him is that he just is and isn't trying to be something else even though he is cool he's just a guy.

I feel that I connect with my music a little too much and because of my autistic empathy sometimes I get a peek into people's lives I never asked for. But I hope that these people I make friends with in my dreams are happy this is like the 4th dream I've had where me and Matty are just hanging out.

[cinamathing]

Things are slightly better now, I want to write about it but I also want to let it come over me as it's happening.

[naradreamt]

Miscellaneous scans of hide from The Last Live, Jealousy, Art of Life, and Dahlia

[cinamathing]

I keep having dreams of Micheal.

I remember Micheal, my heart was very fond of him.

I think he went back to his wife, and I was left in shambles, trying to find the love he brought up in me in someone else ...I still have not been able to find anyone I had a connection like that with, with the exception of Javi, but even then, there are differences, Michael was more responsive to me.

Telling me how I was overwhelming for him and he wanted to end things, I never stopped Loving him. Even now. I dream about him from time to time and in my dreams we reminisce about what once was and sometimes we are together, sometimes we just happen to meet.

I know Javier made his choices and he didn't choose me. He doesn't value me, he would rather be open to other people, he doesn't want exclusively to date me and I want to be loved the way I loved Michael.

I don't think it will ever happen, it was rare. It was volatile, I will never forget him, but I must move on from both of them.

I can't keep carrying a torch for love that failed me.

[bpd-culture-is]

BPD culture is encountering one minor inconvenience that suddenly sends you spiraling, willing to throw your entire life away, because everyone is either evil or doesn't care, and then the issue resolves one way or another and you come back down to Earth and realize how much your brain hates you

.

[cinamathing]

I had a dream last night, we were hanging out near a gas station, like we did, I had to leave but I did it.

I kissed you.

And you held me.

And you kissed me back.

And we were together again, and you told me you'd never let me go. How it was a mistake letting me go the first time and how you were sorry it happened that way.

Beneath the aquarium I searched for you as you left me alone in yoir house. And I met your mom and your friend came over,she was allover you and when I called her out you chose me.

You held me from behind and looked away from her, she stormed off.

Your mom was happy that we were so happy.

I was so happy. But it was just a dream.

Everything I ever wanted exists in another world.

You kissed me back so passionately...how I always wanted you to do.

I think about disappearing from your life everyday.

Because all I want is to sit onyour lap and kiss you, because try as I may, I can't get over you.

But it's over, and I know I have to move on but I don't want to.

It's not real, and you don't exist and I cant recall the last time I was kissed.

It felt so real, I can still feel that passionate kiss and you casually kissed me when you saw me.

Oh how I wish you would come back to me.

I look into your eyes when we hang out and long for our past.

I miss you love. Just hold my hand and kiss me so we can walk thus hard road together. I know im a lot, you can't handle it, I need to wait for a day when you can. But will that day ever come? I don't know. Just come back.

[cinamathing]

I read my posts and I see how naive I am.

I always hope for the best, I capture my happiness and my heartbreaks.

I see the patterns.

I am aware how tiring it must be to know me.

See me falling for the same traps time after time.

Always hoping, wishing "this time it's different"

I am always hoping this one will "get me"

Impossibly "love me"

How do I keep myself from having hope?

I want to protect my heart but it willingly gives itself away, let's itself be known and heard.

I want it to die.

I want to stop hoping.

It's to painful for me and I'm tired of it.

If you know how please tell me, I don't want to keep falling in love with shitty people who never give a damn about me.

I want to be free of it.

[cinamathing]

Sometimes I really am fucking stupid.

I am growing older and I wish I had someone with me, I want to feel safe in the arms of someone who gives a fuck about me.

That love could kill the pain.

I have so much love to give in this patched up heart of mine.

I know I am desired sexually, men love to talk to me because I listen and I care.

I want to be heard too.

He said he cared about me too much to be with me.

My head lies to my heart, and my heart it still believes.

I wish you wanted me as badly as I want you, you want to stay friends, I wanna kiss your neck.

Where am I gonna find you when you're right infront of me?

You tell me you don't want me, but you want my best...my best is for that person who loves me, you said it can't be you, that you can't do it...what about what I want?

I wish you wanted more than I wanted.

It hurt, but I am always hurt, I saw the tall grass in the darkness, you said yes, then you said no, I am on my knees in the darkness feeling the hole inside me, the void where you should be, it consumes me and I realized I've always been there.

I know men don't want me.

I understand that now, I will never be the one they chose. I will always be the one that's there for a season, and replaced or discarded.

I wish my heart would give out hope, because it's not happening, women like me don't get the happiness we dream of.

I stare at the scars he gave me, the shoulder aching that never healed when he threw me out the window. I stare in the darkness in the field waiting for someone to come; but it took me this long to realize no one is coming and I will always remain there. Wondering why I am never enough.

[cinamathing]

I've been trying to follow the right steps to maintain calm and happiness.

It's never enough though.

I like being alone, until I don't.

I want to make a connection but its hard foe me to trust people, and when I think I can I get scared and my mind reminds me I'm replaceable, and I start to feel like even though I want to feel special, or that I can trust a man, my stomach seizes and I feel the pit is empty, I can feel detachment and I don't want to give into the anxious need to be reassured.

I feel like I should just also detach and not bring up my feelings, because if I'm questioning if I'm being valued, I'm not.

I miss feeling loved and wanted, I can always have sex with anyone, sex is easy, I want to be truly happy...with someone I know loves me.

Why is that so hard to find.

[cinamathing]

Well I only brought three what you looking at me for?

I feel like this song will be replaying in my head tomorrow.

I have a date with Danny, I've been matching and talking to him off and on for a few years...

I wonder what that's gonna be like.

Will he want to date like continously?

He seems interested in sleeping with me, and I'm kind of okay with that, I'm talking to someone else who I feel sees...me.

I am reminded of Michael yet again, I like to think that Michael loved me, somehow, I thought our chats were deleted but I found a few a couple of days ago. He was sweet...but genuinely, he didn't want anything from me, concerned with me, I wish we met first.

Of the loves of my life he hasn't moved from his place in my heart, like Archie...who can top first love, childhood love? It feels like that is a space that will never be replaced, I want to write about it, my life, how my Borderline started early with childhood neglect, how my autism was unseen and developed into Borderline as I was treated in according to my inability to be understood in a world full of cues I had to learn and did not naturally abide by.

I wonder who I'll be tomorrow.

I question who I am today.

[cinamathing]

I think I always forget that I'm attractive everytime a relationship fails.

There's two guys I've talked to for a while but they never made the move to ask me out but I knownthey are interested, stalk ym story always letting me know that they are interested, I've just never really been single to pursue them. Or I guess let myself be pursued by them

We will call them Dan and Mitch.

But I also met someone else who I have really nice conversations with we will all hom Benny, and he's kind of a wierdk like me.

I don't really want to have anything serious right now, I want to focus on art and design and my career and I think that energy is what's making these men pursue me.

They are all pretty successful, really attractive, just my type of tall skinny white guy that is artistic, but like I said I don't want anything... serious...I think Dan know this, he told me he wanted something like that.

I just want to have like fun dates with someone consistent like a fwb situation, something to distract me a little from my life...my horrid life.

My brother's cancer came back...

My father is dying, my abuser is dying, the reason I am traumatized and crazy from years of gaslighting and walking on eggshells, reminded I am nothing but wasted space, to not be minded and to be degraded and hated.

That man is dying.

I am trying my best not to treat him as he did when I was a child, but it is hard, I do give him a taste of his own medicine.

I still have to pick him up from dialysis.

I still see the little girl who would run away crying after he shouted and slapped her, called her useless and dismissed her, she hid under the bed and cried, who cherished the gourmet peanut butter cups he gave her for her birthday, aye them slowly and thought she felt her fathers love, that under all those times she walked past him too loudly and he yelled and hit her, that look in his face when he saw her and he called her fat and ugly, I was only 9 when he attacked my siblings and I in the kids pool for having fun too loudly, because I was defiant he hit me harder.

I blocked out a lot of my childhood,but some things will neverleave me.

I think that is why I want to do this job, to save the kids...I wish someone had saved me.

I'm glad no one took me away from my mother, my brother and sister. But my father...I always wished my mom left him.

I gave him plenty of chances to men's our relationship, he did not take any of them and now I'm expected to forgive him and be the gibberish person. For what purpose??

Nothing will change when he's gone, I learned that when my grandmother passed, another abuser in my life, we share the gene that gave us this mental illness.

His treatment of her normalized abuse to me, it's why when men abused me, I thought it was okay, because I never known the love of a man that wasn't hurtful and bitter and fake.

What's happening to him now is karma, for what he put my family through, he is useless, he is the one who is on the bottom now.

When he passes it will hurt my sister the most, she is just like him...

This is one reason I don't want a relationship, no man will ever be there for me while I'm goi g through this.

They do not have empathy, or space for a broken girl and all of her problems.

I will nurse my pain myself and trust apollo to provide comfort.

[cinamathing]

If it wasn't for Matty Healy I don't know where I would be, there was so much I have lived through with them in the background and the 1975 really capture the Millenial existence as the years go by, album by album.

Being Funny in a Foreign Language is ...so genuine.

I can feel his breath on my skin when I hear About You. I am driving through the mountain crying When You're With Me, I am chasing after a broken heart Oh Caroline, the new Intro I trip inside my mind and look at my life behind me, I get up and keep moving forward, forgiving myself for my mistakes.

It's the same damn think that made my heart surrender.

I love music when it lights a fire in my heart, where I can create, the only other times I feel that way is with a supportive partner.

I want to follow thar dream I have, where I give myself to art and really try it, without fear.

I think this is my wake up call, I'm thankful that I got my heart broken to find you guys.

[cinamathing]

Just who the fuck do you think I am?

Really?

I am seeing myself metamorphose into someone I haven't been in so long, I am scared of it.

It's okay to be selfish, I'm sorry, I don't think I can be loving anymore.

[cinamathing]

My aunt sent me a picture of my grandmothers grave in her hometown.

More of a village really, jts a provincial town but definitely no bigger than 300 population.

The graveyard is across the main highway road from the town and there's a small river that runs through it, she's buried with her mother, a child that died early and my grandfather.

We didn't have anywhere to place grand father and my mom wanted him someplace we could easily get to him.

Things ended with Chase, I wonder if he was just using me, the more I think about his behavior it seemed like he liked me, and the second he saw something he didn't like he deprioritized me, put me in a shelf to use and prioritized another girl who could give him more than I could. I let him borrow like 400$ which is more than I ever gave jacob, he says he'll pay me back but he never even called me back.

I still don't know what he ever thought of me, but I decided it wasn't enough. I am done giving my best self to someone who breaks his promises and uses me.

I will the most difficult girl to date now.

I expect only greatness and if you can prove you deserve me Maybe, you can get a glimpse at my soul, until then I will remain by myself.

I want to focus on my art. My career and my family over all.

I have put off myself in lew of men foe a while now, I want to be a mom someday.