Yeah Mr. Darcy’s proposal was a complete turd and a half but you gotta understand. You got your life together. A good career, stable income, retirement plan, all that shit together. And you meet this girl. And she’s everything. Clever, outspoken, funny, calls you on your bullshit. Grade A cutie, right? And she doesn’t go out of her way to spend time with you but she’s nice, and sometimes you catch her looking your way in a way that makes you think you might have a shot.
But her family. Holy shit.
First off, it’s p much ALL women, and mostly UNMARRIED women, which at this time means of something happens to her dad then you’re financially responsible for like. Four grown ass adults, potentially forever
Because mom in law is DEFINITELY gonna need someone to take care of her when dad in law kicks it, and they have like. NO money. So already you’re accepting that if all goes well, you’re gonna be one random old bag’s retirement home. That’s expensive and exhausting, yeah? Imagine asking someone on a first date knowing that if they say yes and things go good her high-strung chihuahua mother is gonna move in with you. IMAGINE.
And girly’s other sisters. Well, one is a sweetheart, yeah, so she probably won’t be an issue, but that still leaves three more, and two of those ones are INSUFFERABLE. Never went to school, dumb as rocks, spend cash like it’s toilet paper
And while one of the two is young still and might grow out of it the OTHER one is actively torpedo’ing her entire family’s reputation by wandering off with random dudes and chasing ass. She’s never gonna work, she can’t build connections, she’s a fucking sinkhole, and she’s being led on by the same goddamn con man ass leeching tit who’s been bleeding you dry while telling anyone who’ll listen that your family is full of ratty thieving bastards.
And if he dumps her after a week- WHICH YOU KNOW HIS BITCH ASS IS GONNA- you’ve got a SECOND UNMARRIABLE GROWN ASS ADULT TO PROVIDE FOR. And you KNOW she’s gonna be a tantrum-throwing little shit about it, and it’s not like you can lock her in the basement or something, you’re gonna have to bring her fucking. Everywhere. And give her an allowance and shit while she contributes zero, because again, she NEVER GOT EDUCATED AND HAS NO MARKETABLE SKILLS. She’s not even good to TALK to. FUCK
And you’re looking at this girl’s father like “please for the love of fuck get your spawn under control, marry them off, get them working on their résumé, learning to sew or be nursemaids or manage staff or SOMETHING, yall got no money and one foot in the grave” and that old man just laughs like “haha yeah, what can you do. lol”
So you’re looking to the mom and finally it’s making sense how she got that twitch in her eye and as MUCH as she is you’re starting to realize she’s the SMART one, desperately throwing her armloads of girls at random men like they’re a bunch of fucking lifeboats bobbing around a sinking ship, like yes Jesus Christ sweetly that life boat IS old and ugly and kind of boring but for FUCKS SAKE PICK ONE
And you look back at this girl who is ALSO REFUSING THE LIFE BOATS BY THE WAY and god damn it she’s still the most radiant thing you’ve ever seen so fine, fuck it, Christ alive, you’ll do it. You’ll shoot your shot. She’s everything you’ve ever wanted in anybody abut it’s not even just about that anymore, it’s about being her best fucking shot at a future, and even if she doesn’t like you all that much she’s still gonna say yes and that might break your heart a bit knowing it’s about the money but who knows, maybe it will at least be civil, or companionable, and even if she doesn’t LOVE you at least you’ll know she’s well and cared for
And so you’ll do it. You’ll take on the neurotic stress mess mother in law, the absent father, the broke ass wingnut no brain no money no future airhead sisters, the bad mannered relatives and the embarrassing behaviour and the impending future of sharing your entire shit with a clown parade of freeloaders, you’ll risk it all and accept the absolute certainty of financial ruin and emotional exhaustion for the rest of your whole ass life and you’ll make your own family deal with it too, you’ll do it, you’ll fucking DO IT, you stupid lovesick motherfucker
And so you go to this chick like “look. Your whole family’s a shitshow. You’ve got fucking nothing and you’re gonna die on the street. But for some reason- and I don’t get it either- I’ve fallen in love with you, and I wish I didn’t, but I did, so I’m telling you that whether you like me or not, I’ll give you everything. I’ll give you everything even if it’s the dumbest shit I ever done. Fuck my stupid Baka ass, I’ll marry you.”
And she looks at you- having heard or considered absolutely none of your months-long internal debate and monologue- and goes “The fuck did you just say about my family, you son of a bitch?”
And the shock of that is enough to jolt you back into a reality where you are able to actually hear and process what just came out of your damn mouth And yeah
Yeah, I think I kinda get it
(and the prev tags)
#Pride and prejudice#fuuuuuuuck#Yeah you both kinda stupid#I forgot some shit don’t hate me#Also yes I forgot Mary but I’m gonna say Darcy did too just to cover my ass
…Yeah. That’s just about it, isn’t it?
(And then she nukes him from orbit. Which, despite the absolutely correct summing-up of the background, is still deeply satisfying.) 😏
Most of my lack of sympathy for Darcy in this situation is that Lizzie initially does manage to keep her shit together enough to think "I should be nice" about turning down this bolt from the blue proposal. Before he really unzips and starts taking a piss on her entire family, she feels genuinely bad because she's about to hurt his feelings.
Like, she hasn't done anything to make him think she's actually interested, and critically, neither has he. Our man appears to have come to the conclusion that he can't beat this out of his system and is just going to have to bite the bullet about thirty minutes before he goes to propose. Even by the atrophied standards of the day, there has been precious little that might suggest courtship beforehand.
Mr. Collins*, whose matrimonial hamhandedness had him basically going down the line from sister to sister to their faces like it was a fucking speed dating meet-up, at least gave everyone a heads up and said, "Hey, I think the right thing to do here would be to try and make a match in-house, and I'm coming down to shoot my shot." When he got with Charlotte, it was after a short acquaintance, but he made it plain that he was looking for a wife.
So Lizzie has zero chance to deflect or decline Darcy's attentions in a way that's going to spare him embarrassment entirely. Like that man just marched in (?), announced he was in love with her (???), and gave the most dogshit proposal in recorded human history (?!?!). Even after she's genuinely mad at him for reading her whole family for filth and acting like he's history's biggest martyr for falling in love with her (her! of all people!), she still manages to be like "Oh, wow. I'm... flattered. But no, thank you. Sorry for your life. Sounds like this whole thing shouldn't last too long, though! You don't sound too happy about any of this!"
And then Darcy pitches a hissy! ("And this is all the reply which I am to have the honour of expecting! I might, perhaps, wish to be informed why, with so little endeavour at civility, I am thus rejected. But it is of small importance.")
And that's when Lizzie spends like an entire page nuking him from orbit. That man had an opportunity to be like "Pack it in, boys, we've made a social blunder." and instead decided to pretend he didn't just spend fifteen minutes acting like God's poorest meow meow for trying and failing to fall out of love with the woman standing in front of him.
I mean, whomst among us hasn't immediately shot ourselves in the other foot instead of putting the safety on, but hard yikes, man. I don't think you spent as much time actually thinking about stuff as you think you did, Darcy! I think you might have just been stewing on it instead!
He doesn't actually calm down enough to be like "Fuck. Fuck, why did I say that. Fuck my stupid brain and fuck my stupid life." for like. Weeks.
*Who also fucking forgot Mary, who'd have been at least on paper a very suitable wife for a clergyman.
