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@cinder-rankings
Introduction
Hi, my name’s Andy and I’m a 29 year old gay man who has a special interest in fairy tales.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale of all time, so I’m going to use this blog to rank and review every Cinderella movie I can get my hands on (with some exceptions).
I’ll include my criteria and ranking system under the cut if you’re curious!
Guess I’ll have to add this to my list
What I’d give for one of the Cinderella remakes to go into how when you’re in an isolated and abusive situation, sometimes you need to be saved and you’re not weak if you can’t escape by yourself
I’ve never been a fan of bad faith reinterpretations of fairy tales, especially ones which flatten the originals into “princesses is saved by a prince and nothing else”, to then go #girlboss. The princess can save herself because she’s a strong female character! (Implying if you’re in a bad situation, it’s because you’re not strong enough to get out)
Also the concept of the Prince over the course of like… a couple hours hanging out with Cinderella going from ‘Haha nice I really like you’ to ‘oh fuck i can tell from context clues alone that your home situation is FUCKED UP’ it’s good shit ‘I have just met you but ON GOD I’m gonna get you out of there beautiful mystery woman’ cinderella makes desperately yelling into the night ‘how can I find you again!??!’ when she’s taking off that much more poignant really
He’s been trained to read the room. To read the context clues. To read politics and scheming and planning and people. He’s a Prince, it’s either that or accidentally drink poison by age 15. And he reads her and …
She’s impossibly wealthy. The dress isn’t a fabric he can recognize, but it’s beaded with cut diamonds, faintly milky opals that shimmer with a rainbow, little pale aquamarines, and somewhere are little bells gently ringing with each step - he’s a Prince and he can’t afford to dress like that. The slippers ring too … there is nothing like that crafted by the hands of humans. That’s fairy stuff. She has an in with them that eclipses royal politics. She is powerful in the Old Ways.
All this wraps around the poorest woman he’s ever seen in his entire life, and he’s seen some very, very, poor people in his time.
Poor in money, but poor in “oh you poor thing!” as well. This is someone who has been robbed blind. This is someone who carried themselves waiting for the lash, for a browbeating, for harsh, cruel, abrupt, punishment.
He expects her to be haughty, or hard, or meek or… something else… but she’s just nice. She’s just … nice.
The rigid posture comes out of his back, his tongue unsticks. She’s like sitting by the embers of a low, calm, fire. He feels warmed and rested simply speaking to her. He wonders if it’s magic, and it might be, but if it is it is magic that is her own.
And that terrifies him, because he’s trained to see these things and he knows someone with a cruel hand is waiting to douse her, and snuff her, and beat the last glimmer out of her shining eyes - eyes that put that dress to shame and and and and… she’s gone.
Oh god, she’s gone. It will be all over her sweet, kind, warm face that she transgressed and … oh god they’ll kill her, whoever they are. This will embarrass them and if there’s anything he knows, it’s that you don’t humiliate someone who has power over you and walk away unscathed.
And all he has is a fairy slipper that will only ever fit her foot (it’s not merely shoe size, it’s a kind of spiritual fit as well), and the vain hope that he can keep such a bright light from burning out. It doesn’t even touch his heart that what he’s feeling is a kind of pure philia, not until it enraptures him soul to bones, all at once. Oh god, oh no, oh shit… he’s reached well above his station, but…he can try to be good and worthy.
The way he sees it, sometimes even the strongest people can be brought low and need just… a little help. She had enough in her to do whatever she had to do to free herself of those evil relations if she had to, but she shouldn’t have to. There’s no glory in blood. Sometimes it’s okay for the ending to be happily ever after.
#and most retelling made to ‘fix’ this story peeves me#bc mostly they try so much to ‘fix’ Cinderella herself#in a way that undercut the theme of abuse this story has for it
Wow, that’s a fantastic, concise way to communicate a lot of the issues I’ve had with Cinderella reimaginings. The original Cinderella film wasn’t winning awards for its characterisation- I think it’s a great example of how older Disney films followed the fairy tale style of stories through archetypes rather than characters- but it does say something about how people see the story by how they try to add to or change her, rather than the supporting characters, plot, or pacing.
Cinder Rankings - If The Shoe Fits (2016)
Originality- 3/5 It's a pretty typical modern Cinderella story. But Tessa, our protagonist, is a mechanic who also dabbles in singing, instead of being a dress maker or dancer like most of the Cinderellas I've seen. She's a bit of a tomboy, but not in a "I'm not like other girls" way. The Fairy Godmother is a makeup artist, and Prince Charming is a British popstar. There's also the meta fact that the characters are all together because they're auditioning for a musical version of Cinderella, with Reed (the popstar) playing the prince. The movie knows that it's a retelling of a story you've heard a million times.
Soundtrack- 3/5 The songs are good, but I wouldn't put any of them on my playlist. I really wish there was a villain song.
Romance- 3/5 Tessa and Reed are cute together, but not very exciting. She's doing a fake British accent throughout the movie to avoid her stepmother, and he's actually British, so he's suspicious of her (especially when she says she lives in Yorkshire Puddingshire). They also bond when she's out of disguise, and Tessa helps fix a motorcycle prop the play is using. Reed is also supposedly with a girl named Harper, who is also rich and famous, so Tessa feels like a homewrecker. But later it's revealed that Harper and Reed are completely platonic friends, and his manager wanted them to date for business reasons.
Enjoyability- 3/5 My short attention span aside, I liked this movie. Sofia Carson is fine as Tessa, although every time she opens her mouth, all I can hear is Evie from Descendants. Jennifer Tilly as Evil Stepmother Divine is really fun. She and the two stepsisters, Olympia and Athena, are constantly over-acting and I love it. The movie is very 2016, there's references to Instagram, Harry Potter and Kim Kardashian. My favorite scene is towards the end, where the two stepsisters start wrestling over who gets to be Cinderella in the play.
Morals- 4/5 "Be brave and follow your heart". Cliche, but cute. There's also a less obvious message about blue collar jobs being respectable, in one scene the Fairy Godmother stand-in says "All the best talent waits tables and hauls trash".
Total- 16/25
This is apparently concept art from Mary Blair for the Fairy Godmother in Cinderella. But the color palette has me looking at it and thinking "so this is what Maleficent would have looked like as one of the Three Good Fairies"
What are some notable versions of Cinderella for you, whether good or bad?
I'll start with three versions:
Ever After, one of if not my personal favorite film adaptation of Cinderella.
The Tender Tale of Cinderella Penguin. I love penguins so obviously I had to bring this up.
Never-Ending Waltz by Snow White Blood. It's a very gorgeous song.
As in, that immediately jump to my mind?
Let's see...
Walt Disney's Cinderella, from 2015. I still have some vivid memories of first watching this movie in my district's common hall on the projector
Three wishes for Cinderella. An annual classic. I always get excited to watch it again on Christmas.
La gatta Cenerentola, by Roberto de Simone. I only fully watched it some years ago, but it is a fascinating piece that mixes many different bits of neapolitan life and culture with folk tales. Also the music slaps
1. Bad Cinderella, by Andrew Lloyd Webber. It sucks
2. Cinderella 1997, the Brandi version. My personal favorite
Costume design for Cinderella (1950) by Marc Davis
Cinder Rankings - More Than A Miracle
Originality- 5/5 I've never seen a Cinderella story set in Spain before. The film also has some strange casting going on, as Prince Rodrigo is played by an Egyptian actor, while our Cinderella, Isabella, is played by an Italian actress. The Fairy Godmother is replaced by an old hag, who is part of a whole coven that doesn't want to help Isabella. There's no Wicked Stepmother or Ugly Stepsisters to speak of. No glass slipper, no pumpkin carriage. But there is a monk who can fly.
Soundtrack- 2/5 not a musical
Romance- 2/5 Let me just start by saying that I HATE enemies to lovers. Isabella and Rodrigo immediately get off to a bad start, with him trying to steal her horse and then accusing her of being a thief for some reason. She also repeatedly talks about how much she hates him. But as soon as he leaves, she goes to a bunch of old hags and asks them if he loves her. They spend almost all their screentime fighting with each other. Rodrigo even tries to have Isabella executed at one point. He also seems actively against the idea of marriage. Rodrigo refuses to speak to or even interact with any princess, and tells his mother to just pick a wife for him. And yet, when they reunite in the final act, Rodrigo and Isabella act like none of that ever happened and embrace each other.
Enjoyability- 2/5 This movie is strange, and I don't know how I feel about it. The plot is more like a series of random events, which honestly does feel fairy tale-esque, but not very Cinderella-y. I think it'd be fun to watch with friends, and probably laugh at, but I was mostly confused. It's very goofy, but frustrating at the same time.
Morals- 1/5 I think the message they're going for is "don't give up on love" or maybe "go after the people you love". But it comes off more as "if a man and a woman hate each other, it means they're secretly in love".
Total- 12/25
I'm always gonna take the chance to talk about this movie!
Ok so for some clarifications: this film isn't an adaptation of Cinderella, it's a hodgepodge of different stories from the Pentameron (the oldest european fairy tale collection) and local south italian folk tales. For some reason, the title "Cinderella italian style" was picked for the UK market and ever since then the connection with Cinderella stuck around. The movie also isn't set in Spain, but in an italian kingdom under spanish rule (Naples). That is also a reason why the monk tries to set the pair up: Isabella is an actual local inhabitant, while Rodrigo and the princesses are from foreign spanish nobility. This theme of the importance of a woman from the local people to become queen is also present in the neapolitan musical/operetta "la Gatta Cenerentola" by Roberto de Simone.
This movie suffered a bunch from conflicting visions: Francesco Rosi, the director, wanted to incorporate a lot of southern culture, while the producer Carlo Ponti pushed for overseas marketability. Originally the monk, st. Joseph of Copertina, was supposed to be played by comedy legend Totò, but unfortunatel, he passed that year, and Ponti got the more recognizable abroad Leslie French in the role.
I'm not gonna pretend here that the writing and romance is all that good: I'm just used to seeing these sort of dynamics in italian movies a lot, and loved it as a kid because it's one of the few fairy tale movies to come from my country.
Interesting!
Cinder Rankings - More Than A Miracle
Originality- 5/5 I've never seen a Cinderella story set in Spain before. The film also has some strange casting going on, as Prince Rodrigo is played by an Egyptian actor, while our Cinderella, Isabella, is played by an Italian actress. The Fairy Godmother is replaced by an old hag, who is part of a whole coven that doesn't want to help Isabella. There's no Wicked Stepmother or Ugly Stepsisters to speak of. No glass slipper, no pumpkin carriage. But there is a monk who can fly.
Soundtrack- 2/5 not a musical
Romance- 2/5 Let me just start by saying that I HATE enemies to lovers. Isabella and Rodrigo immediately get off to a bad start, with him trying to steal her horse and then accusing her of being a thief for some reason. She also repeatedly talks about how much she hates him. But as soon as he leaves, she goes to a bunch of old hags and asks them if he loves her. They spend almost all their screentime fighting with each other. Rodrigo even tries to have Isabella executed at one point. He also seems actively against the idea of marriage. Rodrigo refuses to speak to or even interact with any princess, and tells his mother to just pick a wife for him. And yet, when they reunite in the final act, Rodrigo and Isabella act like none of that ever happened and embrace each other.
Enjoyability- 2/5 This movie is strange, and I don't know how I feel about it. The plot is more like a series of random events, which honestly does feel fairy tale-esque, but not very Cinderella-y. I think it'd be fun to watch with friends, and probably laugh at, but I was mostly confused. It's very goofy, but frustrating at the same time.
Morals- 1/5 I think the message they're going for is "don't give up on love" or maybe "go after the people you love". But it comes off more as "if a man and a woman hate each other, it means they're secretly in love".
Total- 12/25
Cinderella (1994), Goodtimes Entertainment & Jetlag Productions
Cinder Rankings - Cinderella (2000)
Originality- 5/5 This movie starts out as a very standard Cinderella movie, then takes a sharp turn when it introduces Mab the Fairy Godmother, an off putting, cave dwelling sea witch (or maybe mermaid) who talks to birds and hates people. The stepfamily also know about Mab, the stepsisters follow Cinderella to her cave. There's also no glass slippers in this movie, Cinderella goes to the ball in shoes made of flower petals. I've also never seen a Prince Charming meet the Fairy Godmother before.
Soundtrack- 2/5 not a musical
Romance- 3/5 I didn't like Prince Valiant at first, he seemed kind of sexist, but I think that was the point. He has no interest in romance until he meets Cinderella, then he falls head over heels for her. It's very fast, but that's to be expected from this kind of movie. There's also a side romance between Mab, the Fairy Godmother, and Cinderella's elderly male servant slash father figure.
Enjoyability- 3/5 The movie is fine, but Cinderella's father absolutely enrages me. He's complicit with her abuse, and even calls her "Cinderella" instead of her actual name. There's a reason most adaptations kill him off. He's completely devoted to the stepmother, and treats his daughter like garbage. I also think Cinderella herself is kind of boring. She never fights back, or does anything to make herself stand out. The third act is my favorite. The stepsisters try to murder Cinderella, and she destroys the slipper after the stepmother threatens to kill her father. The stepmother, Claudette, is iconic though.
Morals- 3/5 I have no idea what to put here. "Forgive your toxic family members"? "Marriage is hard work"?
Total- 16/25
The Soul selects her own Society —
Then — shuts the Door —
To her divine Majority —
Present no more —
by Emily Dickinson
I need people to understand my old woman yuri vision.
Cinderella (1950)
I was so happy when Cinderella finally got the happy ending she so deserved. 🥰🥰🥰🥰
And the king got a lovely daughter in law. 💖💖💖💖
Cinder Rankings - Cindy (1978)
Originality- 4/5 It's a realistic, all black version of Cinderella set in Harlem in the 40s. Cindy and her family are actually poor in this movie, and her stepmother is mad because her new husband didn't tell her he had a daughter before they got married. Cinderella also doesn't marry a prince in this version, and literally everyone gets their own happily ever after.
Soundtrack- 3/5 I didn't even realize this was a musical at first. The first song is just Cindy singing in church, but then her stepsisters get their own villain song later on. The music is all good, but there's not enough of it.
Romance- 4/5 Captain Joe Prince doesn't show up until 47 minutes in, which is about halfway through the movie. When he and Cindy finally do meet, it looks like love at first sight. But at the last minute, Cindy realizes she's not in love with him and actually has feelings for her next door neighbor Michael, who is also the fairy godmother stand-in. They're actually a really cute couple, even if I didn't see it coming.
Enjoyability- 4/5 I like this movie, it's different from most of the other Cinderella stories I've seen. It feels more realistic, and adds a country mouse/city mouse dynamic to Cindy and her stepfamily that I definitely haven't seen before. I love Cindy, she's so sweet and genuine.
Morals- 3/5 "Marry for love, not for money". Not a lesson you usually see in Cinderella stories, but I can't complain.
Total- 18/25
Peer reviewed research paper??? No, what the fuck, I said powerpoint posted to tumblr
New ranking coming this week, haven't decided what movie yet
Also, in case you're wondering, when I run out of Cinderella movies I will move on to either Aladdin or The Little Mermaid
