i have dealt with heartbreak every spring for the past three of those.
three years ago, it was about someone who i reminisced on from the past. it was my first love, someone i knew for a fact did not want me whatsoever and was in a completely different phase of his life that did not include me or my presence or my spirit or the idea of me in any way shape or form.
two years ago, it was about someone i was still with. i still had him and i still spoke to him and our relationship has only progressed from that point - yet it was heartbreak because i knew i would never have him in the way i wanted. god, i knew we were doomed. i knew we were hopeless. i knew we were whatever the fuck the opposite of endgame is.
one year ago, it was someone i would kill for. someone i would do unspeakable, undescribable things for - sexually and legally. i prayed and prayed and begged and begged whatever higher power there is to give him back to me every single day - and week, and month, and... well, wait til you read the next paragraph.
this year - today - right now - it is still the same person as last year. i have been trying to figure out why and how they have had such a chokehold on me for the past almost two years now every day. don't worry tho, they came back - last july - a year after leaving me and a year ago from now. i took them back for a little bit and ran away when it got too serious. just because i knew they'd leave me, but this time it was my turn to leave.
i think of him every day. every second of every hour of every day i think of him. i dont even know what is it about him that i think about - its just him and him and him and him. every time i see him my world shatters yet rebuilds itself. it is indescribable and unexplainable.
do i want to be with him?. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.
do i want him? more than anything in this world. more than oxygen.
i think a long, deep hug from him would fix every single problem i have.
god, i just want to feel like i did with him and like i do about him.
