i think i can pinpoint exactly when my deconstruction started. it was years ago, back when i was like 15 & wanted to wait until marriage to kiss & all i talked & thought abt was the bible.
i read the head coverings passage (& yes i have read the surrounding verses, the entire surrounding testament, even, & yes i know it was written to a specific church don’t yell at me for “taking things out of context”).
it was these three verses:
for a man out not to have his head veiled, since he is the image and reflection* of God; but a woman is the reflection* of man. indeed, man was not made from woman, but woman from man. neither was man created for the sake of woman, but woman for the sake of man.
(1 cor. 11.7-9, nrsv) *reflection can also be translated as “glory”
i remember reading this & crying. i wanted to be the glory of God, too! i remember being so distraught - why didn’t God make us equal? i was always taught that men & women were worth the same, but why did the Word of God say otherwise? i didn’t want to be created for another person.
& i was also upset at myself for questioning God’s holy, inspired Word. for being upset at his “design” for the sexes.
but when i read this, i knew (excuse the christian language) in my spirit that there was something really wrong about it. & i buried that feeling for the next five years bc in evangelical christianity, “the heart is deceitful above all things”. feelings are bad. they are not to be trusted.
i read this passage & knew it was wrong, but bc discomfort is so often equated w being “shaped by God”, i internalized it. i treated feminism like a dirty word. i would whisper to my “equally devout & spiritual” friend abt how yes, no matter what The World says, men & women are not equal, but you can’t say that out loud because it’s offensive to people who don’t know God as well as we do. people who aren’t as willing to bow & submit & erase themselves.
it was only last year that i admitted to a few other christian friends this belief that i had been carrying for so long. i was surprised to be met w outrage & upset - not at me, but at the belief system that let me believe it - that i had genuinely thought i was worth less than any man.
i don’t believe it anymore.
but i have to ask. paul, did you really believe this when you told someone to write it down all those years ago? did you believe you were divinely inspired when you wrote the things that have been used to oppress women for centuries? were you filled with the holy ghost when you chose to degrade everyone with my anatomy when you dictated what to wear when we pray?
God doesn’t care what we wear when we pray.
no matter what way you read it, this passage is fundamentally wrong. it’s disturbing. it’s hateful. how can you read it & not be deeply unsettled? maybe that’s what it’s like to read the bible as a man. as someone who’s straight. as someone who’s cis. maybe you read it & don’t see any problems because for you, there are none.
i hate that i defended this passage for so long. i hate that i stood up for the oppression of women. i want to think that Jesus would have hated it, too.
