Unsaid Thoughts last December 2021 (was written in a notebook)
To the person who made my year 2021 happy, thank you. To you, who saved me and made me believe that there are still people who would choose me despite of my insecurities.
To the person who hurt me the most, thank you. Thank you for making me realize what I truly deserve. Thank you for making me choose myself over anyone or anything. Thank you for hurting me for it made me braver and wiser.
Wala eh, baka hanggang dun na lang talaga. You already have decided to not continue and fight for what we have. Yes, it hurt me a lot; you made me question my worth... again It hurts because I lost the person who's making me happy, the one who calms me every time anxiety hunts me, every time I get irritated and whenever I need someone to lean on.
Thank you but this is the end. You maybe are happy now, and I hope I am too.
it has been weeks since the school has started and yet i am still not comfortable with everybody in my class. iâve been trying to communicate and join the ride of jokes from people who i really dislike but i just couldnât handle it. i am really impatient with those kind of attitudes; the pabibo ones that we call.
last tuesday, we had tryouts for the team i am included and yet i feel so useless whenever i play with them. i feel so intimidated with the skills they have that i do not have and i couldnât adapt. i wanted to be as strong as them, as powerful as their abilities, and as comfortable as they are inside the court. i am clueless of what i should feel, whether be motivated or be scared because thereâs a possibility that i would be out of the team because of my lack of skills. rather to focus on that, i feel encouraged to try harder because thatâs what matters right now.
the new school year has come and a new circle of friends we have met. in my personal view when your squad separate ways, iâve noticed that some of them have TOTALLY forgotten that you exist. they have totally forgotten that you are still friends and let you being âseen or active zonedâ in social media while in fact they are just happy being with their âboyfriendsâ. That was the problem, i think. Iâve been into that kind of situation many times and i just got used to it but there is still a pinch in my heart that keeps me broken. i know that they havenât noticed and it wasnât their intention about it. I am pretty sure meeting new people are fantastic.
it feels so good that i have somehow overcame my fear to socialize with other people. i feel so happy because i have finally decided to came out of my comfort zone. i was finally happy and comfortable in what i am doing until some people would randomly call me and tell me that i no longer approach them. seriously? am i the one who should be blamed by this issue and look like i am the bad guy? what about the things i did before that some people rejected; werenât all that enough? i just got tired to approach and connect with you all if you were ignoring all my efforts many times. people were wondering why i was so shy and not friendly and now that i have become the person they want me to be, they canât accept it. honestly, it was hard for me to socialize with other people (especially that the school forced us to socialize; it didnât help me tho). what do you want me to do now? get myself back and be again the person who i hated the most? people would always have comments about you and you couldnât stop it, rather you could just ignore them and be happy for what you are doing. i wouldnât let anyone stop me again from what i want to do in my life because only God can judge me. Look yourself first in the mirror and ask yourself if you are that person you are judging. BE IN THEIR SHOES! (you too, self)
i am physically sick right now while writing all of this thoughts because i couldnât sleep if i would leave this endless rants inside my head. And iâm also emotionally and spiritually sick with the people who abused my kindness. iâve been slapped by a person so many times with no reason, it is just because he likes it. I canât understand why does he have to slapped and hurt you without even thinking of what you would feel. i would just smile when he do that because i know he doesnât mean it but there is still a part of me that feels sad because he(they) does it because he(they) knows i would never fight back. Also, this might be a small thing but it bothers me so much. most of my classmates know that my mom has a realoading station and because i want to help my mom, i would easily grab the opportunity if someone needed a load. it was fun because i feel sometimes that i have a small business. but as the time goes by, some people would forget to pay me and sometimes get angry because i always remind them of the âutangâ they have forgotten. i would say that i am very kind that i sometimes let them do not pay the bill and rather use my own savings to pay my mom so that they would not be angry anymore. so i decided to stop it because itâs not helping us anymore, rather people continues to abused it.
that was all for now and i am pretty sure that there will always be circumstances that problems will come into our lives and we couldnât stop it. JUST BE READY FOR THEM. i, in my opinion, give it all to the Lord and never ever be defeated by the snares of the devil. He got me, always.
school, socializing, cetâs & all those that lie in between
my last year in high school started two weeks ago and it hasnât really been a breeze for me. i am still in the process of getting used to the new things the school year has come with. iâve always had trouble with adjusting to change, but i do believe that given a little more time, i will learn to accept and embrace it fully.Â
first week of school was dubbed as the senior high school departmentâs orientation week. it was a week dedicated to getting to know lower years. we were divided into groups and were tasked to stick with that group and play different games with them as a team; it was like a youth camp with point systems and flag capturing. i really wasnât up for the idea in the beginning, but it turned out not as bad as i expected it to be. iâm really not a fan of events forcing people to socialize, but i guess the experience was indeed successful in helping the student body get to know each other. and it was actually quite nice making new friends in the process.
the school year has a lot in store for me and one of them is the approaching proximity of college entrance tests. along with being a pressured graduating student with expectations to meet, the inevitable anxiety of being able to pass cetâs have been getting the best of me. ever since the summer of taking review classes, its been dawning on me on how iâll be able to balance trying to graduate, trying to study for entrance exams, and trying to keep up with my extra-curricular. my doubts have always been present and i do hope that i prove myself wrong again and hopefully become a howling success.
days have not always been particularly happy. sometimes i brood on the absence of my other friends and the pain of losing one. most nights i try to sleep as early as i can to escape the potential unhappiness of the darkness that awaits me, sometimes it helps, but most of the time it doesnât at all. i hate being myself most days but iâve been slowly trying not to dwell on my sadness. iâve been trying to divert my attention by reading Harry Potter and enjoying the company of my friends at school.Â
iâm quite unsure of how iâll be able to survive yet another school year with all iâm about to face but i know that with my family and friends there to support me and with my faith that helps me keep going, iâll be able to thrive.Â
Thereâs heaviness in my heart that i couldnât explain what, but it bothers my whole being so much. I have no one to talk to but Him. I want to share His words but it seems like no one is interested to listen.
I know You have the answer to this so please guide and help me find it. I am very confused if I should continue sharing Your word to certain people that doesnât care about it because they think itâs too boring and itâs too âbanalâ. Sometimes itâs beyond their own perspectives and I just feel so bad knowing that they arenât willing to know You and to accept You.
Youâve always reminded me of the song GIVE THANKS, for it was the first song I heard when I was still a child. It was also the line you first taught me; always never forget to give thanks to our Lord.
To my Mama who didnât give up on raising naughty kids, who has always been there for me to support me in whatever I do, who worries about me every time I stay overnight in a friendâs house (and think that I might screw up) and who never fails to beep my phone every day to check on me, thank you so much.
I salute you for being the smartest, strongest and bravest woman I know. Work might exhaust you but you never stopped taking care of things every time you go home. You are such an inspiration to me and I promised that I would do all things for you to reciprocate all the sacrifices youâve done for us. Problems might come but you never fail to make everything possible.
Only your love would replace all the hate the people gave me because your love matters most. Your hugs, your kisses, and everything that keeps me warm. And when the world turns against me, you are there to guide me and protect me. You have given so much of yourself, and a million times of thank you-s arenât enough.
In all the gifts I have received, you are the most special one because you are a blessing from above. I would never be who I am today not because of you. I owe you my life, Ma. I hope you will never be tired on us. I love you always!
From your first born, Clarence.
TO ALL THE MOTHERS OUT THERE, YOU ARE OUR HEROES. THANK YOU. âĄ
In my opinion, the obsolete way to shield a twinge is to do things that would help you fill again your emptiness. Considering that I attended my very first youth camp and my very first summer job, I spent the whole season with my friends, my relatives, and with my family. I became so busy in the past weeks so I hadnât had the chance to think about you like I used to.
Frankly, it didnât work. I thought I was already over you but look at this little dope at midnight laying on his pillow, still thinking about the person who became the reason why his year floated in a cloud nine. With all the forces, I couldnât bereave the feelings I have for you. There is still a spot for all the kilig and cheesy-ness I had for you. I am still not sure whatâs with you that makes me feel uneasy yet exulted. I still see you differently than any other people out there whoâs much more attractive and much more approachable than you are. There are so many people out there who wouldnât try to ignore me and yet you are still the one who I want to be with although weâve never hung out. You may have killed the conversation many times and made me feel unworthy, I still had the urge to message you. You are the only person who sprinkled pixie dust to my lost soul that was wandering in the void so you let me fly. I soared high that I forgot that you will never be there to catch me when I decide to fall.
You are like a sealed limited book stuck in a bookstore I couldnât afford to get. And if I would try to open, I would get caught and be sent to the jail of judgments. I just want to know you, and be close to you like the other people out there but i think this is where I am meant to; to be far from you. I just wish that someday, I would finally wake up from these fantasies that you would like me in the same way I liked you.
Minsan na ako'y nawalan ng landas. Hindi alam kung saan tutungo, hindi alam kung sino ang pupuntahan. Nawawala, naliligaw, nalilito kung anong daan ang tatahakin ko. Sinubukan ko ang daan patungong kanan, may mga kabataan na naglalaro, kumakanta, sumasayaw, at nagdarasal. Lahat sila'y nakatingala, at sinasabi ang iisang Pangalan.
Pumasok ako, nararamdaman ko ang kaba. Hindi ko kilala ang mga kabataang ito, pero bakit dito Mo ako dinala? Sinubukan kong makisama, sinubukan kong makihalubilo kahit alam kong mahirap sa akin ang tumayo sa gitna ng ibaât ibang klase ng kabataan. Tinignan ko ang kanilang mga mata, may mga lumuluha, may mga masasaya, may mga nalulungkot, at may mga nagagalit. Natakot ako dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinasabi ng aking mga mata.
Hanggang sa dumilim ang kalangitaan at nagsilabasan ang mga apoy ng bawat isa na nagbigay ilaw sa daan patungong kaligayahan. Inangat ko ang aking mga kamay, natulala at nangamba, ânasan ang aking liwanag?â
Nasaan na nga ba ang liwanag na dinadala ko noon? Nawala, nawala nang magsimulang manghusga ang kalupaan. Nawala nang magsimulang patayin ng mga tao ang apoy na nagbibigay buhay sa puso kong namamatay sa tuwing akoây nalulunod sa kalungkutan. Nawala nang magsimulang magbago ang ikot ng mundo, nang mag bago ang lahat ng tao.
Buong akala koây wala ng pag-asa ang ating mundo kaya akoây sumabay na sa ihip ng pagbabago, pagbabago kung saan akala koây dadalhin ako Saâyo, yun pala ay sa demonyo. Ngunit sa pagpasok ko sa daang ito na kung saan puno ng mga taong naniniwala pa rin Saâyo, napagtanto ko na hindi pa pala nagtatapos dito ang mundo. Binigyan Mo ako ng pag-asa para paapuyin ang puso kong naihip ng kasamaan. Binigyan mo ako ng pag-asa para mas makilala ang taong unang umibig sa akin; ang taong handa akong mahalin kahit sa anong kalagayan.
APRIL 12 - 14, 2017
Kaba talaga ang una kong naramdaman hindi dahil first time kong umattend sa ganitong event kundi dahil hindi ako sanay na makahalubilo sa mga taong hindi ko kakilala plus the fact that theyâre too many; with a crowd of strangers? So not me. It is out of my comfort zone, so the day before I was confused if I was going or not kasi yung mga kaibigan ko hindi makakapunta. And I was pretty sure that I wonât survive it but still my feet forced me to stand despite of the anxiousness. It is not about having new friends. Yes, it is the part of the event to gain new friends but the number one goal of it is to get you closer to the Lord; to know Him more.
Umpisa pa lang talaga tinest na ako ni Lord. Nung first day kasi I received so many bad news, I was really down that time. Thankfully, I was alone and no one has saw me teary eyed. But after all, the Lord was there to give me rainbows.
In the midst of being awkward, iba ibang klase ng tao ang nakasalamuha ko kaya doon, mas naintindihan ko na hindi lahat ng tao pare-pareho. May kanya kanya tayong uniqueness na nakakapagpaganda sa atin. Doon mas na-test ang patience ko, mas naappreciate ko ang bawat isa.
During sessions, doon mas nafeel ko ang presence ni Lord, kumbaga parang literal na katabi ko lang Siya. Mas nadama ko yung bawat salita na binibitawan ng mga preacher at dahil dun mas nakilala ko Siya. I remember the last night which was the last session, doon tumama sa puso ko ang mga pagkakamaling nagawa ko. Ang mga panghuhusga na nagawa ko, sa mga kaibigan ko, at sa pamilya ko lalong lalo na sa mga magulang ko. Binuhos ko lahat ng sakit, galit, at pagsisisi gamit ang aking mga luha.
One thing Iâve learned during the camp: the Lord is real, He is alive. We may not see His body but we can see Him through our spirits, through His creations, and through ourselves. Mararamdaman mo naman Siya if, and only if maniniwala ka sa Kanya. After the camp, Iâve realized that those 3 days Iâve found the missing piece of my soul. Lately kasi parang there is a missing piece pero hindi ko alam kung ano, and at the same time ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Pero masasabi kong those 3 days were the happiest moments of my life. Magmula noon mas nakilala ko ang sarili ko; mas nakilala ko Siya. Mas naintindihan ko lahat ng mga bagay na nangyayari sa akin; mas naiintindihan ko Siya. Mas na-appreciate ko lahat ng bagay sa paligid ko; mas na-appreciate ko Siya. At mas minahal ko ang sarili ko; mas minahal ko Siya.
Nakabibingi ang katahimikan ng gabi. Naririnig ko nanaman ang pintig ng aking pulso, naririnig ko nanaman ang pangalan mo na isinisigaw ng aking puso. Matagal tagal na rin magmula noong banggitin ko ang pangalan mo, banggitin ang pangalan ng taong muling nagpatibok ng aking puso. Matagal tagal na rin noong marinig ko ang iyong mahalimuyak na tinig; ang pinaka paborito kong himig sa buong daigdig. Matagal tagal na rin noong makakita ako ng obra mestra. Matagal tagal na rin noong maramdaman ko ang presensya mo sa aking tabi. Ngunit heto ako ngayon, binabangungot sa mga memoryang iniwan mo.
Naaalala mo pa ba kung paano tayo nagkakilala? Siguro hindi na pero ako, tandang tanda ko pa ang lahat. Noong nawawala ka sa araw na yun, hindi alam kung saan tutungo kaya nilapitan mo kamiâhindi, nilapitan mo ang mga kaibigan ko. Hindi ako mapakali habang kausap mo sila, sakanila ka lang naman interesado noong araw na yun kaya hinayaan ko nalang makinig sa mga pag-uusap ninyo. Hindi mo rin naman siguro ako napansin dahil ang liit ko at ang tangkad mo o baka wala ka lang paki sa akin.
May mga panahong ako ang kinukulit mo sa mga school stuffs kahit na hindi naman tayo ganoong kalapit sa isaât isa. Ang dami mong tanong at hindi ko namamalayan pati istorya ko gusto mo ng malaman. Naging magkaibigan tayo noong panahong yun. Nagkaroon tuloy ako ng tsansang makilala ka, kahit ayaw ng sarili kong kilalanin ka. Nakakainis ang mga ngiti mong nangaakit, tawang tawa ka noong napili ako (dahil aksidente kong natamo ang mga nanlilisik na mata nang ating guro) para gampanin ang isang karakter sa play na gagawin ng ating kapinsanan para sa gaganaping okasyon sa eskwelahan. Nakakainis, bakit ako? Nanginginig ako habang patungo sa kabilang silid at mas kinabahan ako na sa pagpasok ko, wala akong kilala ni isa sakanila. Umupo ako sa harap ng mag-isa habang ang lahat ay nagtatawanan at nagkekwentuhan. Nanalangin ako noon na sana kasali ka. Pinatong ko ang aking ulo sa pagitan ng aking mga binti para umidlip saglit. Pagkaraan ng ilang minuto, may kumalbit sa akin at sa pagtingala ko nakita ko ang mukha ng taong inaasam asam kong makita. Napangiti ako dahil hindi na ako mag-isa.
Mamula mula at nag-iinit na pisngi sa tuwing idinidikit mo ang iyong labi. Nanakaw ng halik sa tuwing nawawala sa sarili kong imahinasyon. Dahan dahang magdidikit ang mga palad, hahawakan ang kamay sa tuwing kailangan ko ng karamay. Naaalala ko pa, naaalala ko pa ang mga sandaling tayo ay masaya. Naaalala ko pa ang biglang pagtunog ng aking telepono at sinabing ako ay hinihintay mo sa aming kanto. Tinanong kita kung ano ang ginagawa mo diyan, sinabi mong samahan kita para kunin ang isang bagay. Sumama ako, bahala na kung saan tayo tutungo basta magkasama tayo. Sumakay tayo sa napaka ingay sa traysikel, idagdag mo pa ang kaingayan ng mga sasakyang naguunahan sa kalsada. Pero isang ingay lang ang naririnig ko noong magkatabi tayo sa loob, ang ingay ng puso ko. Namangha ako sa angking karisma mo para mahimok si manong na tawaran ang pamasahe natin. Namangha ako dahil hindi lang si manong ang nahimok mo, pati na rin ako.
Gabi iyon nang magaya kang mag McDo kasama ang iba nating mga kaibigan dahil kaarawan mo nun. Masaya tayong kumakain, nagkekwentuhan hanggang sa hindi natin namalayan na dumidilim na pala ang kaulapan. Umuwi tayo kasabay ang iba, nasa loob ako ng traysikel habang ika'y nasa likod ni manong. Huminto ang traysikel sa kanto namin kung saan mo ako hinintay noong nakaraan. Isa isa akong nagpaalam sa ating mga kasama bago ako bumababa. Ngumiti ako sa'yo at sinabing âPaalam. Salamat!â at saka ako naglakad palayo sainyo. Ngunit hindi pa pala nagtatapos doon ang gabing iyon, tinawag mo ako sa hindi ko alam na dahilan. Ngumiti ka at binitawan ang mga salitang nagpabago sa ihip ng hangin. Ramdam ko ang mga paru-paro sa tiyan ko na gustong kumawala. Naririnig ko nanaman, naririnig ko nanaman ang pintig ng puso ko. Ang lakas, sobrang lakas. Bakit ganito? Alam kong biro lang iyon sa'yo kaya hinayaan ko na lang hanggang akoây makahiga sa aking higaan. âMahal din kitaâ pabulong kong saad at pinikit ang aking mga mata.
Naaalala ko rin nang dahil sa simpleng panulat, nagkaroon tayo ng konting alitan. Hindi ko maintindihan pero pagdating saâyo, lahat ay napakalaking bagay. Nagmamadali akong nagsusulat ng ating panayam habang mabilis na nagtuturo ang ating guro. Sa sobrang bilis ng pagsasalita niya, wala na akong naintindihan kaya napagdesisyon kong makopya ang kanyang powerpoint. Tarangtang taranta ako habang ikaw ay natatarantang nanghihiram ng panulat nang bigla mo na lang hablutin sa aking palad ang sa akin. Sabi mo sandali lang, kaya hinayaan kita. Nainis ako, sobra. Nang napagdesisudahan mong ibalik, hindi kita pinansin. Alam mong naiinis ako noon, kaya humingi ka ng paumanhin. Okay na kako ngunit hindi ka tumigil at nagulantang ako nang lumuhod ka sa harapan ko. Napansin kong ang mga taong busy sa pakikinig, sabay sabay na napalingon sa atin. Unang beses mong ginawa iyon. Maliit man na bagay, ewan ko, napaka espesyal ng araw na iyon lalo na nung ako ang napiling mong maging katabi sa ating fieldtrip.
11.10. / Ang daming nangyari sa araw na yan. Tandang tanda ko pa ang araw na parang ako at ikaw lamang ang nakatira sa mundong ito. Ayan, magkatabi tayo tulad ng hiniling mo. Ngunit bago lumubog ang araw, nagalit ka sa hindi ko malamang dahilan. Nagtago ang isang tulad mo sa kurtina ng bus, gusto kong tumawa dahil para kang bata. Pilit man kitang kumbinsihin na magkaayos tayo pero ang tibay ng puso mo. Hinawakan ko ang iyong kamay at hindi ka naman pumiglas. Iyon na siguro ang pinakapaborito kong hinawakan noong araw na iyon kaya hinawakan ko yun hanggang sa makarating tayo sa ating huling destinasyon. Magkatabi nanaman tayo sa loob ng teatro kung saan sobrang raming tao. Tinanggal mo ang nakaharang sa pagitan natin upang makahiga sa kandungan ko at natulog kasi ang boring ng play. Tinitigan ko lang ang isang obra maestra na tulad mo. Bakit napunta ang isang tulad mo sa akin? Ah, hindi, hindi ka nga pala sa akin.
Natulog ang lahat sa biyahe habang ako'y naghahanap ng komportableng pwesto kung paano ako makakatulog. Pinatong ko nalang ang ulo ko sa aking binti ang pinilit na matulog ng mahimbing. Masaya ang araw na iyon hindi lang dahil nakawala tayo sa ating bilangguan kundi dahil kasama kitang tumakas at nagdiwang; hindi inisip ang sasabihin ng iba basta tayo ay masaya. Tila ba parang nagpasiklab ng ibaât ibat kulay ang mundo sa kaulapan. Malapit na akong mawala sa aking pagtulog nang maramdaman kong pumalupot ang kamay mo sa katawan ko at pinatong ang ulo sa likuran ko. Sa kabila ng katahimikan, ang puso ko'y nag-iingay nanaman. Sana ganito na lang tayo lagi. Ikaw at ako, kaso walang tayo.
Naaalala ko pa noong dumalo tayo sa kaarawan ng isa sa ating mga kaibigan. Para kang nasa ulap na mismong ako'y iyong nalimutan. Hinayaan kitang maging masaya dahil doon din naman ako masaya. Pero bakit hindi mo ako isama sa iyong kasiyahan? Bakit hinayaan mo akong titigan kang maging masaya? Bakit mo ako hinayaang umupo sa sulok; nagseselos sa inyong dalawa? Gusto kong umuwi, gusto kong takasan ang aking nararamdaman at sabihing wala lang ito. Nagseselos siguro ako, oo. Nagseselos ako sa mga maliliit na bagay na hindi naman karapat dapat. Sino nga ba ako? Nang magkasalubong ang ating mga mata, tinanong mo kung ako'y ayos lang. Nagusap tayo, binuksan ko ang telepono ko at binuksan ang memoâ kung saan tayo madalas mag-usap sa publiko. Sa sobrang bigat ng aking nadarama, nasabi ko lahat ng aking nararamdaman tungkol sayo (hindi yung iniisip niyo). Kung gaano ako kasaya tuwing nandiyan ka, kung gaano ako kalungkot tuwing wala ka.
Tinanong mo rin ako kung aalis ako ng probinsya, pabiro kong sinabi ang oo. Pero nung ikaw ang tinanong ko, oo rin ang sagot mo pero parang walang halong biro ang oo mo. Kinabahan ako, nalungkot, natakot. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari sa sumunod na taon, hindi mo ako kinibo. Unti unti kang dumidistansya sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. May nagawa ba ako? Hinayaan kita baka bukas o kumakailan, pansinin mo ulit ako pero hindi, natapos ang taon ng hindi tayo nagkikibuan. Nakita kita sa huling araw ng pasukan, nakasalubong ko ang iyong mga mata na parang may gustong sabihin. Hinintay kita baka may nais kang iparating pero wala, hinayaan mo akong maglakad palayo hanggang sa hindi na tayo nagkita. Noong araw na iyon napagtanto ko na tapos na ang ating pagkakaibigan. Wala nang âikawâ sa aking buhay. Napagtanto ko na malilimutan mo ang lahat ng mga bagay na pinagsamahan natin, malilimutan mo rin ako. Sa sumunod na taon, ayos naman, naghintay pa rin doon sa munting paraisong ikaây lumisan.
