Cloud Seventy-One

My mind's either in the clouds or under the sand. No middle ground. 18. Female. Living in Malaysia. Not loving life. Cutter, anxiety, depression, fat.

[cloudseventyone]

CW: 58 kg (129 lbs)

GW: 50 kg (110 lbs)

I feel like a beached whale. This is me committing myself. Here's to skinny!

[cloudseventyone]

Finished "Norwegian Wood" this afternoon. It kept my interest although it did feel like the focus was just on the sex rather than the relationships at times (though maybe he did it that way on purpose?). I enjoyed the development of Naoko the most out of all the characters as she was the one I could relate to the most (sad, right?). Anyway, I would probably pick it up to read again.

[thezealotsblindfold]

[dreaming-of-recovery]

[nowayhomenow-deactivated2016082]

black and white depression blog

[cloudseventyone]

I find myself wondering, on nights like this where I can't fall asleep because I'm stuck in the cloud of self-depricating thoughts which makes me anxious, if anything has gotten better since I got help. Most of the time I think that it's worse now because I'm in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy where I wasn't that bad off before and was just being an attention - seeking melodramatic idiot. I really hope that isn't the case.

[theyfoundusrunning]

At 17, I should have been learning to drive a car, not hoping one would hit me.

Things I’m realising at 18. (via theyfoundusrunning)

[iamnotperfectiamsorry]

[girlsmotivation]

[cloudseventyone]

My new hamsa tattoo. Love it!

[cloudseventyone]

I don't think the medication is helping. Nothing I've tried so far feels like it has worked. I feel discouraged that I'm not feeling the "warm cocoon" that people described to me when I started the medication. Why can't there just be a magic pill that solves it all?

[suicidal-elegance]

[cloudseventyone]

Thinking about it every time I'm at a train station.

[girlsmotivation]

[mentalhealthresource]

[anxietydisorderconfessions]

2246) I'm terrified to go back to school because I just told my teacher I had anxiety and I can't be in his class without crying.

[girlsmotivation]

[mentalhealthresource]

[cloudseventyone]

I feel like such a burden.

My current support system tells me I need more help from more qualified people but that it’s a lot to ask of someone.

I FUCKING KNOW THAT!

Do they even realise how hard it was to get even just what I’ve got now because it’s so difficult for me to ask for help without feeling like I’m asking for someone’s first - born child?