clouds for thoughts

Splurging my thoughts into the void like an aimless ghost...

[cloudsforthoughts]

I hate being weak. I hate that I can't make my body do what I want.

It's so frustrating seeing everyone easily lift weights that would make your arms snap like twigs.

Argh

[cloudsforthoughts]

At what point did love become a template? Has it always been this way? Am I just unrealistic?

People date me because they want a partner. They're interviewing me for the role of their datemate. After a couple dates they want exclusivity. In their mind, they've already made a whole road map. Date, marry, kids, grandkids, retirement. It's all cookie cutter.

I want someone to want me. Not as a potential partner but as a person. Flaws and all. I want someone to fall in love with me because they're curious about me, not because they're trying to fill some socially dictated hole in their life.

I don't want to worry about hitting society's checklist. I don't want to worry about whether I can twist myself into the person they tell me I should be. Kissing and fucking. Having kids and grandkids. Staying in one place for the rest of my life. Sacrificing my free time for everyone else.

Maybe I want that stuff or maybe I don't. I want space to figure it out without worrying about whether that fits with your concrete future plans.

I don't want my life planned out for me. I just want some company while we navigate this chaos together. No judgement. No expectations. Just love.

Does that make sense?

[cloudsforthoughts]

I'm so fucking exhausted I want to cry😭

Literally spend every day feeling exhausted, nauseous and dizzy and the doctors haven't figured out what the fuck is wrong, and I have to wait months between each appointment to see a different type of doctor, only to be told AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN that they DON'T KNOW why I feel like shit everyday and have NO USEFUL ADVICE!!!

I just want to feel OK, is that really so much to ask?!

[cloudsforthoughts]

Why does no one ever want to talk about their day?!

It's always "fine" "good thx" "nothing really happened, I was just at work/school all day".

Like COME ON. I want to know every single detail!

I take joy in so many litte things... the way the light highlights the rain. When I find a great new song. My lunch. A comfy chair. The bus taking a detour. Someone playfully teasing me.

I often get playfully teased over how excited I get over mundane stuff.

Where are the other people that feel everything?! The people that celebrate every moment of joy?!

I'm tired of people acting like something big has to happen to be interesting or bring joy. There are little moments of joy sprinkled throught out the day, FIND THEM!

Idk... maybe it's because I felt so low for so long that I learned to appreciate feeling happy?

[cloudsforthoughts]

What is it about not being able to sleep that always makes me make shitty decisions that I know I'll regret....

Like it's half 1 in the morning. I have to be up at 6.

You know what bright idea I've just had?

I should text the guy from tinder that I went on exactly 1 date with months ago.

*que long drawn out sigh*

Why tf do I do these things?

[cloudsforthoughts]

Coasting through life on pure fucking luck.

I keep showing up 2 my exams with barely any revision, dizzy as fuck, struggling to get my eyes 2 focus.

No fucking clue how I keep passing my exams.

Thank the Goddess.

[cloudsforthoughts]

When the low mood hits you out of nowhere like a fucking freight train

[cloudsforthoughts]

Why do I always feel so tired?

And not just take a nap sleepy level tired... but soul achingly drained.

Like everything takes so much effort that I could pass out at any moment. Like every movement I make, every sentence I focus on, is sucking energy out of me that I don't have.

I just want to sleep for weeks. Hibernate in a pile of blankets. I don't want to think. I don't want to stress. I don't want to move.

I just want to feel energized, instead of so empty I could cry.

Why am I so tired? I don't get it!! If I get ever so slightly not enough sleep then I fight to stay awake the while day. We're talking 5/6 hours of sleep. Like I'm in the middle of doing something and I'm genuinely struggling to keep my eyes open.

I've been trying so hard to sort this out!! I get 6-8 hours of sleep sleep a night, I have a fairly balanced diet, I eat enough, I get plenty of fresh air, I literally only drink water, I only have a coffee maybe once or twice a month (sometimes not even that) and I'm trying to be more active.

What's wrong with me?!?!? How the fuck do I fix this?!?!? I feel so fucking low 😖

[cloudsforthoughts]

My next month is about to be so rough...

I've booked my drivers test like a month from now. I'm not prepared. Plus I work full time.

I've decided to drive myself to work every morning which is an insanely stressful way to start the day (obvs with a legal driver in the car with me)

All of this is on top of the fact that I'm in a really low patch mentally right now!

And I still need to get around 2 trying to get my mental health shit assessed, but that's gonna be a ton of organisation and idek when I'm gonna find time 4 that!

URGH

[cloudsforthoughts]

Happy update. Ish.

Passed the theory exam ✅ Still need to book my actual.

Spoke to the doctor about getting put on the assessment list ✅ Altho tbh it's long as fuck so I may end up having to pay for an assessment if I want support🤷🏻‍♀️🙃

[cloudsforthoughts]

Just saw 2 pigeons kissing. I think. Ew. Scarred 4 life.

[cloudsforthoughts]

Annnnnd today I saw 2 toads fucking. What kind of weird ass message is the universe trying to send me🙄

[cloudsforthoughts]

Unpopular opinion (?) But I hate when authors but song lyrics in their books. Even if it's a song I love.

Like 1 or 2 lines of a song? Ugh fine.

Anymore than that though? Fuck off.

Cannot explain the absolute insanity that rages through my brain at song lyrics being liberally thrown in. It's not nice 2 read. Just stop. Please.

[cloudsforthoughts]

Just saw 2 pigeons kissing. I think. Ew. Scarred 4 life.

[cloudsforthoughts]

If I don't learn my lesson now, I'll only make the same mistake later and keep hurting myself. So I'll continue to throw myself at bad situations just like this until I've properly learnt my lesson.

[cloudsforthoughts]

I hate how many apps now announce that I'm active to every other user. Like I don't want the people I'm avoiding to know I'm online - they might realise I'm ignoring them!! I can't even pretend I was busy! I have to keep careful track of whose on what app so I know what's safe to use when I'm avoiding replying to people's messages. Fucking inconvenient istg🙄

[cloudsforthoughts]

Why is skiing suddenly so popular? So many guys on tinder have skiing as an interest.... don't get me wrong, skiing is fun, but why is there a sudden flood of people advertising their love of skiing?

[cloudsforthoughts]

I really hope we start seeing jason/redhood being the awesome bat sibling fans show him to be. Like yeah he's an assassin and out of control sometimes but he'll still show up when his brothers need him, even if he's grumbling about it the entire time.

[cloudsforthoughts]

I've accepted that I'm inevitably going to die young in some tragic, preventable incident.