Cloudy Claudia

just me and my cloudy thoughts

[quotefeeling]

“Healing is layers. Healing is time. Healing is excruciating. Once you think it’s done, it’s not.”

— Mary DeMuth (via thoughtkick)

[cloudyclaudia]

It’s been 126 days, living with my cloudy thoughts all by myself. He posted a quote that said “some people are like clouds, when they disappear it’s a brighter day.”

So I made myself disappear from his life. I hope his life becomes brighter. I’m done going back and forth.

I’m done feeling guilty for something uncontrollable. I fell inlove with our bestfriend months after our break up, maybe it was because he was there for me for all the dark moments I went thru.

He comforted me, made me laugh, and showed me patience.

All of this could of been avoided if only he had listened to me begging him to love me the way I needed, show me that he was settling for a life I didn’t want. I didn’t want to live life “comfortably” I wanted a fulfilling life one that offered marriage, stability, goals, a successful future. But he was “comfortable” living the life he wanted it was an easy one, no work, no school no goals just free time to do whatever he wanted.

I wanted marriage, a home, a business, a family and a partner that could provide me that, someone I could count on if times got hard, someone who wouldn’t be relying on me financially and so that’s exactly what I went looking for and I found it.

It wasn’t his fault entirely because there was so much more wrong within the relationship. But fuck if only he would of changed his mind and wanted what I wanted we could of made it soo far in life.

I truly loved that man, LOVED that man. There will always be love for him, and I will always care for him but I can’t keep letting him get to me, letting him guilt trip me.

Ive had enough. Now I’m walking away.

[quotefeeling]

“For you, I was a chapter. For me, you were the book.”

— Tom McNeal

[cloudyclaudia]

It is safe for me to shed the past versions of myself. I honor and release who I was, I welcome and celebrate who I am stepping into.

@Geordannawellness 

[cloudyclaudia]

April 26, 2021 Day 4

Today I had an awakening that I am in complete control. I am capable of anything I put my mind to. But I have to be disciplined. I have to work every single day at being the best version of myself in order to become the best version of myself. That means forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, working out, eating good, staying away from social media, and meditating more. I want to vibrate at a high frequency and that takes work! Its not going to be handed to me. So its time to get to fucking work. No more excuses, no more self doubt, no more self loathing just pure self love, and healing. I need to protect myself from others who want nothing but to take that from me.

I will not allow anyone to get in my way of this personal journey, not family and not my boyfriend. My journey starts now.

signing off, Claudia.

[cloudyclaudia]

April 25, 2021 Day 3

Its day 3 as you can see and it is now 8:21pm. I'm suppose to be asleep by now but I remembered that I had to journal my day. No excuses, even if its late I want to make sure I make this a constant thing in my life. No giving up or slacking off like I always do.

I don't really have much going on in my head except for the usual and what I have expressed in my other journal entries. I am in one of those “I wanna disappear” moods. I wish I could get away from every body even if it was just for a whole day. Without anyone questioning about where I'm going and why. I just need a break. I hope my moods start to improve soon, the sadness is starting to get irritating. 

Anyways thats all I have for today, its been a day.

signing off, Claudia.

[cloudyclaudia]

April 24, 2021 Day 2

It’s currently 1pm, I meant to start journaling earlier but I really didn't have much to talk about. I still really don't have much to talk about. I have been really interested in spirituality lately. I haven't really made steps towards a spiritual awakening because of the fear that I’ll lose anyone and everyone who isn't on the same path as me, but if they aren’t on the same path as me shouldn't I not even want them in my life? eh. Anyways I got crystals about 3 weeks ago, but I have yet to meditate with them. Because of procrastination also because I don't know what exactly it is that I am doing. I guess thats something that you just figure out as you go. Self healing is something that I want to get out of it, I want to be able to heal all the trauma and unhealthy habits in my life and I think spirituality is the root I am willing to go with. 

I really want to start a manifestation journal and a gratitude journal. Those I think I would keep personal on pen and paper instead of online like I am doing with this journaling page. The only reason I started this journaling page was because I had started writing in a regular journal but my hand started cramping after just writing 1 page, embarrassing I know haha. But this is better, typing is faster it keeps up with what my brain is thinking. Did you know that you aren't your thoughts or emotions? you are actually awareness. Awareness because you are aware of your thoughts and aware of your emotions but once they go away you don't die. Get it? weird right? sometimes I think this world isn't really real. Just a place where our spirit was sent to experience what it is to be human. Humanity sucks so the fact that my spirit choose this life and choose to be here is pretty disappointing but I guess I have lessons to learn along the way that is key to unlocking my higher self? I don't know how any of it works I just agree with it because its the only thing that logically makes sense to me.

I can't bring myself to believe a hell exists. Like you mean to tell me there is a hell that makes “bad people” pay for what they did as humans? and how is being a gay the same sin as someone who kills another being? I don't know its all flawed to be honest. Also I do believe there is higher power like a God but based on some religions its questionable. Like God was the one who created this earth so did he create the universe as well? and if he did, did he also create aliens? hm.

See these are just some of the things I question every day at least once but if I were to really pay attention to anything I'm saying I would go insane trying to figure out this life and its purpose for all of it. Like capitalism. 

Life is weird and pointless so why are we here? why are we doing this?

Have you ever thought about it while driving that you are on the road with thousands of strangers who have their own lives, own problems and we know nothing about them at all. We don't know anything about what they are going through only that they are driving said car in the same direction you are, that it.

Life.weird.

signing off, Claudia.

[cloudyclaudia]

April 23, 2021 Day 1 Continued

I guess I got a lot to say since I hopped back onto my computer to type some more. Its only been an hour maybe? ha thats ridiculous but it made me feel better instantly after letting all of that out and that was nothing compared to what goes through my mind daily. 

Lets see.. let me go back to my relationship which I guess seems to be a highlight of whats going wrong in my life. We will celebrate 3 years later on this year. Time has flown by but I cant really pin point some special moments we’ve really had. We were bestfriends for a very long time before we actually started dating. I was also in long term relationship for most of our friendship before we started dating ourselves. 

I can't help but think we aren't actually meant to be. You know that random phase people go through where they date their bestfriend because they think they would be a good couple? I think we are in that or at least were. It was so easy at first it felt like magic but don't all relationships feel like that in the beginning? I don't know, I just feel like we are complete polar opposites. We aren't really into the same things, which makes me question how we were bestfriends for so long. He was always there for me, no matter what and thats probably what we centered our friendship on. But we don't really do couple things, like dates. I mean we go out to eat ice-cream and call it a date from time to time but we never really had a date date. Like dress up and go to a restaurant date. 

I wanted our relationship to be different than my past relationship and although its not as toxic as my past relationship it still lacks a lot of what I imagine a relationship to be like. He's not very big on communication, I am. I need validation in order to feel loved, I need romance and he's not at all that. He doesn't really express himself much. I love cheesy notes and small gifts that make them think of me. He’s only done it once and it was the day he packed my lunch just because he wanted to which was so nice and all it read was “I love you, have a good day :)” and it meant so much too me more than he will ever know. I cherish those kinds of things. Romance.

My ex was all about romance even if it was something as small as writing a sticky note telling me I'm what brightens up his day. He constantly told me he loved me and how beautiful I was and maybe I took that for granted. I miss feeling like I am someones entire world. I miss feeling loved, truly loved.

He loves me in a different way like showing me affection and kissing me when he comes home from work, and taking care of my car troubles. Not that its not enough but I just feel like it isn't even tho maybe that is all he has to offer. Do I accept what he has to offer and not complain. We definitely have different love languages his is touch and mines is words of affirmation. I don't like touch much I probably can go without touch forever because I've never been a touchy person and which is weird because I wasn't like that in my past relationship. I don't know what flipped the switch. 

All that keeps repeating in my head is the quote “If he wanted to he would”.

Because He would, if he wanted to.

signing off, Claudia.

[cloudyclaudia]

April 23, 2021 Day 1

It’s my first day of journaling. 

I'm doing this in hopes of feeling better. Maybe writing my thoughts down on a page will help make me and my mind be less cloudy. Technically its typing but its all the same to me. 

Anyways its been rough. 

There is so much to say and at the same time nothing at all to say about what I am going through. I don't like talking about my depression much especially to others who don't relate to my problems. My problems to others may seem minor but if it has taken complete control of my life than I believe its not as minor as others think. Maybe I care too much about what others think and that is why I don't open up? who fucking knows, I sure as hell don't.

 I feel lost. Like I don't belong here. This isn't my first time feeling like this nor will it be my last, Ive felt this way my entire life. I don't know what I am doing, I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I wanna go. All I know is that I have no motivation to do anything, to be anything. I don't feel anything. Emotionless.Numb.Lost. And just when I think I know what I want to do I end up scaring myself from doing whatever it is I do want to do and then I don't wanna do it anymore. Fear. I feel like I've been holding myself back from a great life because of fear. But what the fuck am I so afraid of? success? or failure? I have to stop the fear, but how? I want to be fearless. Once I become fearless I know I will be able to accomplish amazing things in this universe. 

I feel sick. Sick of constantly letting myself down, but I can't stop doing it. I can't stop disappointing myself. I want to be the healthy, successful, organized and happy disciplined person I imagine myself to be but instead I am constantly skipping meals, emotionally eating, laying down in bed all day not moving an inch except for my thumbs gliding across my phone screen. Watching others obtain the life I wish for myself. 

Its insane what depression can do. 

Anger. Im pissed at myself for allowing it to go on for this long. Its been years. Years of not being ok. I am 24 years old and I am just as lost as I felt when I was 19. Time just keeps passing by but I have not changed a thing. Maybe my character is different and maybe I am more self aware than I was at 19. But I still feel 19. I am still lost. Career? Goals? I don't have any. 

Relationships. Oh man is it hard. Once the honeymoon phase is over Im once again numb. Continuously being in the same cycle. My partner now has never really dealt with depression. And because of that a part of me resents him. Its not exactly jealousy because I am not jealous of the life he lives but I am jealous of his view of the world. Its so different from mine. I also resent him because he sees me like this every single day and doesn't say a word about it, he thinks its my normal behavior but its not normal. I shouldn't be spending endless hours in bed trying to distract myself from reality but I do and he doesn't say anything. He doesn't do anything he just lets me live in my own sorrow in my own self loathing and it feels shitty.

 I know he is not responsible for me, I am well aware that I am in control of myself and he isn't and he isn't suppose to make me happy because happiness is a state of mind that only exists within myself but why doesn’t he care enough to want to help me? A part of me wants to compare him to others. Those who look up ways to help with depression in order to help their loved ones overcome it. They care enough, he doesn't and if he does he has a very shitty way of showing it.

I don't feel loved enough.

The other day he said to me “Hey babe, you’re beautiful.” We were laying in bed I was on my phone looking at meditation music. I was actually taken aback by his compliment because it had felt like months since Ive heard one. Crazy.        After I thanked him, he then proceeded to say “Wow, I haven't said that in a long time huh?” to which I nodded. He whispered “Im sorry” and I nodded it off like it was nothing. Maybe I should of spoken up, but I didn't. 

And that's day one in my cloudy thoughts. Maybe ill post a part two tonight maybe ill continue this tomorrow in Day 2. I just hope I don't disappoint myself again and become inconsistent like I do with everything else.

signing off, Claudia.