This post continues the series relating to the Semantics of D/s and Advice for Doms, and specifically follows The Definition of D/s. It focuses specifically on the concept of Consensual Dominance and submission including:
The definition of consent
The challenges of consent
Incremental and progressive D/s
Hard, soft, and social Limits
Planning the journey, training, and encounters
Communication and trust in D/s
Most would agree that mutual consent within D/s relationships is a good and healthy thing. As previously posted in The Definition of D/s, power exchange is all about the Dominant taking the power of free will from the submissive to increase his own power. And the responsibility for gaining consent normally lies with the Dom. The concept of consent is complex even in vanilla relationships, it is exponentially more complex in the context of D/s.
The Definition of Consent
Before we start talking about consent in D/s its useful to understand how consent is generally defined. Central to the principle of consent is the concept that every person has a right to personal sovereignty – the right to not be acted upon by another without giving clear permission.
Generally, consent can be defined as:
A clear and unambiguous agreement, expressed outwardly through mutually understandable words or actions, to engage in a particular activity.
Key features of this consent are:
Consent can be withdrawn by either party at any point.
Consent must be voluntarily given and may not be valid if a person is being subjected to emotional, psychological, physical, reputation, financial pressure, threat, intimidation, or fear.
Consent to engage in one sexual activity cannot be presumed to constitute consent to engage in a different sexual activity
Past agreement to engage in a particular sexual activity cannot be presumed to constitute consent to engage in a sexual activity again.
Consent cannot be validly given by a person who is incapacitated.
It is the responsibility of the person initiating the activity to get consent.
Its important to recognise that this definition is equally applicable to D/s as to vanilla sexual interactions, and across all sexualities and genders. It is how society as a whole defines consent. It is also important to note that each part of the world has its own legal definition of consent, that may differ from the above - go look it up for your part of the world.
The Challenges of Consent
The definition of consent seems explicit and clear, until real life is applied. That’s when consent becomes more of a challenge. One of the problems is the words ‘mutual understandable words and actions’ to give permission prior to the action.
For example, two people are on a date at the cinema. One touches the knee of the other. Although innocuous this is not consensual by the definition, unless there was some words or actions to give permission. The fact that the initiator has touched the other persons knee without complaint before is not permission, neither is the fact the initiator as touched the other persons nipple before.
If the person initiating the action gets it wrong its at best inappropriate and at worst assault.
So what might these words or actions be that give permission? If the initiator wants to kill the mood, they could ask on text message ‘can i put my hand on your knee?’ and get an explicit ‘yes’ texted back so they had an explicit and documented permission prior to every sexual action they initiated. Obviously this is impractical and not very enjoyable. Likewise verbally asking permission for every sexual action would be also be ridiculous.
For most of us, its not so much about giving explicit permission as much about not rejecting the action if it is welcomed. If the action is rejected in some way (the person pulls their knee away) then there is no consent, no permission. If an action is not rejected, it is accepted that the initiator can attempt a more daring action, or the other can initiate an action in return.
Consent is never a problem, until its a problem. We have thousands, if not millions, of sexual interactions throughout our lives. If someone makes an unwanted advance, we demonstrate resistance or lack of enthusiasm, and the advance stops. Most people pick up on the subtle signals that encourage or discourage a sexual actions, and are appropriately tolerant and forgiving when someone gets it wrong (or they just bitch to their friends about it), and theres no enduring mental or physical damage.
Occasionally someone, bolstered by power or by lack of judgement, fails to recognise those signals and the action becomes non-consensual and damaging. This can be as much about the attitude with which the action was performed as the action itself, and normally follows at least one or more requests for the action to stop, or very obvious lack of agreement on the part of the victim. In the final analysis it is rightly established that consent wasn’t given.
D/s is all about the Dom taking the power of free will from the sub, potentially even when the sub resists, with both Doms and subs enjoying that power exchange. So the concept of consent is particularly important in D/s. It is especially important for Doms who usually bare the responsibility for gaining consent.
Consensual Incremental Progression
The challenge of consent has been in existence since the human race was conceived. In the good ole days there was social conventions that dealt with consent. The initiator was always the man. He went to hold her hand, if that worked, he worked through the bases:
1st Base - Kissing, open mouth or just a peck.
2nd Base - Hands below the belt or on breasts. Fingering and hand jobs.
3rd Base - Mouths below the belt. Oral sex.
4th Base - Full penetrative intercourse.
Some people use 5th base to refer to anal intercourse (LOL).
Each of the bases has an implied series of incremental steps within it. For example, 1st base; a peck on the cheek, then a peck on the mouth, then longer kisses with closed mouth, then french kissing. If he tried to jump ahead to quickly, he’d get a swift slap to the face (which today could also be considered assault). He wasn’t allowed to get to 4th based (or maybe 2nd or 3rd) until they were married.
There’s an overall journey, starting at the first date through to getting married and having kids. On that journey the parties have numerous sexual encounters, and those sexual encounters are made up of interactions.
The important learning point in ‘working through the bases’ is the concept of progressively and incrementally more intimacy both on the journey and in each sexual encounter. Working through the bases in a sexual encounter ‘warms up’ both parties so there’s less chance of rejection. Working through the bases on the journey keeps it interesting and fun (although in vanilla sex the variety runs out quickly). Advances can be rejected at any point. If there is no objection the initiator can move onto the next incremental step. The initiator should not jump straight into penetrative sex as the first step on the journey, nor as the first interaction in a sexual encounter.
Incremental and Progressive D/s
In D/s, the Dom takes a risk with every sexual action he initiates with another person, and the Dom does most of the initiating - he is in control. One way to mitigate the risk of misunderstanding is through small progressive incremental steps based on the assumption that the previous step, without complaint from the other person, is the basis for permission of the next progressive step. Like working through the bases, but D/s style.
D/s has 5 features that make the journey and sexual encounters different from vanilla sex:
The D/s Journey has numerous paths. Unlike vanilla sex, the D/s journey has many more potential paths since its not just about penetrative sex, but also pain, humiliation, servitude, and many other kinks and fetishes. And society has not laid out a standardised path for D/s like ‘Working through the bases’ in vanilla sex.
The D/s Journey has numerous destinations. The destination in vanilla sex is generally penetrative sex, at best in multiple positions, and marriage. Just as there are numerous paths with D/s, there are also numerous unique destinations. The D/s journey could lead anywhere depending on the people involved. Each D/s journey is unique in the path taken and the target destination.
The D/s journey is based on Power Exchange. The activities in D/s intrinsically involve taking someones personal sovereignty and abusing it in some fashion. This is not the case in vanilla sex.
The D/s Journey builds on experience and training. There is technical expertise involved in being a Dom gained through experience. And a sub can be trained to take more abuse by the Dom, such that each encounter can become more intense, even with same activities. This is not the case in vanilla sex which requires minimal experience and training.
The D/s relationship is one-sided in its nature. The Dom is generally the initiator, he is almost always in control of the encounter and the journey. The D/s relationship serves to pleasure the Dom, and the sub enjoys that dynamic. Whereas vanilla sex is for mutual pleasure, and both parties initiate sexual interactions.
Hence Doms, and subs, need to be very cognisant of the incremental steps and the overall direction of the journey. The fetishes, kinks, desires, and fantasies of individual Doms and subs are all dramatically or subtly different and can change from day-to-day. Some have a specific destination in mind, others like to go wherever the winds take them. When thinking about the incremental journey and potential sexual encounters, there are 3 dimensions to consider:
The Power Exchanged. There are numerous aspects to a persons personal sovereignty - their body, mind, freedom, time, dignity, money, health, fitness, social life, etc. It is in the Doms nature to try to acquire as much power from the sub as he desires. The Dom may start by taking the subs body for a couple of hours, but incrementally and progressively acquire more of the subs personal sovereignty, controlling more aspects of the subs life, potentially until the sub is under the complete control of the Dom.
The Method of Exchange. The methods through which the Dom acquires the subs personal sovereignty are also numerous. The subs freedom can be taken by controlling the subs orgasms to his gym routine, his body can be taken by restraining him, his physical comfort taken by CBT through to whips, his dignity taken by piss to sissification, his mind re-trained by corporal punishment or hypnosis, etc.
The Intensity. As the Dom starts to acquire each aspect of the subs sovereignty, with the method of his choice, he starts small and progressively increases the intensity of the power he exerts and the power yielded by the sub. This is reflected in incrementally more intense pain, humiliation, restraint, servitude, etc. Gradually, the Dom trains the sub to take more and more intensity. For example, the CBT becomes more and more painful, the piss play more humiliating and degrading, the orgasm denial in longer periods, etc.
Since each Dom and sub has different experiences, fetishes, tolerance, and long term ambitions, it is important that the boundaries of sexual encounters and training are discussed in terms of the Power Exchanged, the method of Exchange, and the Intensity. This leads to second important concept in consensual D/s, that of Limits.
Hard, Soft, and Social Limits
Since the Dom is in control of most of what happens within the D/s journey and each sexual encounter, he needs to understand the boundaries of the subs consent i.e. the consent pre-agreed with the sub that gives the Dom some freedom to do as he pleases during the journey, sexual encounter, and the subs training.
The concept of limits helps the Dom determine if he wants to start a D/s journey with the sub, and also helps keep the D/s journey on track and fun for everyone. If the Dom is very keen to partake in D/s interactions that are outside the boundaries of the subs limits he should be careful about starting a D/s journey with that sub, even if he finds the sub incredibly hot. Since this could lead to non-consensual sexual encounters. Although it is possible that a subs may be persuaded to modify their limits over time.
Limits are set by the sub. They are the specific parameters of his personal sovereignty that he is not willing to yield, or those he will only yield after some resistance.
There are 3 types of limits that are key to consensual D/s:
Hard Limits. Hard limits are the the boundaries of consent the Dom can never cross, the personal sovereignty that the sub will not yield. The Dom is non-consensual if he crosses the subs hard limits. Even though the Dom should never cross a hard limit, he can attempt to persuade the sub to remove it, or downgrade it to a soft limit, as he takes the D/s journey with the sub.
Soft Limits. Soft limits are the boundaries of consent that the Dom may be able to cross, but not without some more persuasion. This is the personal sovereignty the sub might yield after some resistance, but also may never yield. The sub may not have the experience to say they are ok with an activity, or maybe haven’t been trained for it, or maybe they don’t find that activity hot but are willing to do it if the Dom is passionate about it. Along with each soft limit the sub must explain his reasoning to the Dom such that the Dom can work to overcome each reason for the limit and ultimately overcome the limit entirely, or at least understand when to ignore the subs reasoning.
Social Limits. In addition to Hard and Soft Limits the sub may also have Social Limits. The sub is only human, he must prioritise his submission to the Dom alongside earning money, relationships outside D/s, spousal relationships, hobbies/sports, parents, etc. Many of these Social Limits will take priority over service to the Dom at some time or another - they can be hard or soft in nature, and different from one day to the next.
Each limit can be expressed in the 3 dimensions of; The Power Exchanged, the Method of Exchange, and the Intensity. For example:
Pain - The sub yields his physical comfort when he is flogged by the Dom. The sub may be ok with light flogging, have a soft limit for welts being left on his skin, and a hard limit for the flogging causing blood. The Power Exchanged is physical comfort (i.e. pain), the method is flogging, and the intensity has 3 levels for this sub - light flogging, welts, and blood. Not discussed were bruising being left for more than a couple of hours, nor the concept of being restrained while being flogged.
Bondage and Restraint - The sub yields his freedom through chastity. The sub may be ok with wearing a chastity cage during play sessions, have a soft limit wearing a cage overnight, and a hard limit for wearing one permanently. The Power Exchanged is the subs freedom to orgasm, the method is restraint by chastity cage, the intensity has 3 levels for this sub - wearing a cage during play, wearing a cage overnight, and wearing a cage permanently. Not discussed was wearing a cage to the gym, nor cum control when the sub is not wearing the cage.
Humiliation and Degradation - The subs dignity is yielded through humiliation/degradation when the Dom pisses on him. The sub may be ok with being pissed on, but drinking piss is a soft limit, and pissing in his ass or being pissed on in public is a hard limit. The Power Exchanged is the subs dignity. The Method is humiliation/degradation through Piss. The intensity has 3 levels for this sub - being pissed on, drinking piss, and pissing in his ass and being pissed on in public. Not discussed was drinking piss in public discretely, being punished when the sub fails to drink the Doms piss, and being hypnotised to love the taste of piss.
Servitude - The subs time and effort are yielded through servitude. The sub is ok with being the Doms ‘Boot Black’, has a soft limit for cleaning the Doms apartment, and a hard limit for washing the Doms car in public. The Power Exchanged is the subs time and effort, the method is servitude through domestic chores. The intensity has 3 levels - boot black, apartment cleaning, and car cleaning in public. Not discussed was the concepts of cleaning the Doms apartment while being naked but for a chastity cage and taking a paddle across the ass when the sub fails to do an adequate job.
Social Limits - The subs time and priorities are yielded. The sub may be ok serving the Dom on Wednesday evenings, has soft limits for prioritising the Dom over his sports on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and anything that interfere with his marriage is a hard limit. The Power Exchanged is the subs time and priorities, the method is his service to the Dom, and the intensity is the amount of time the sub spends doing his Doms bidding.
The sub should set his limits generally and very specifically, if required. The sub should always be ready to describe his general limits to the Dom - especially hard and social limits. Common hard limits are scat, blood, permanent damage, anything illegal, unsafe sex, and financial submission. Common social limits concern the days and times the sub can serve, and how the subs relationships must be respected. Common soft limits are piss, doing stuff in public or being filmed, humiliation, servitude. If the sub has very specific limits he should also make these known - maybe he does not like sissification or diapers in particular. If the sub is too inexperienced to have knowledge of his specific limits he should explain that to the Dom, and highlight the areas he is more or less curious about.
The Dom should ask for specific limits in the areas he’s particularly interested in doing. For example, if the Dom is into cock and ball torture and breeding, he should ask about the subs specific limits in that area. Also, if he requires service at a particular time or place he should enquire about the practicality of this with his sub. The sub should read any enquiries as a potential direction the Dom might go and answer honestly, but recognise the Dom may be just exploring options without any intent to perform those activities. If the sub has hard or social limits in those areas where the Dom has particular interest, then both parties should consider not moving forward with a journey or encounter.
The challenge with limits are that its almost impossible to comprehend and communicate every nuanced limit in relation to a specific activity. And communicating intensity in a limit with a common context between Dom and sub is very hard, for example describing a level of pain or humiliation when the Dom and sub have no common frame of reference.
Stated limits should not be taken as black and white scripts, but as concepts that overlap to give a picture of the subs true limits. When the sub says he as a limit for public play, but is ok with chastity cages, the Dom should figure out the sub might have an issue wearing a chastity cage to the gym and move ahead cautiously in that area. And where intensity is concerned, its important to for the Dom to build up the intensity from low to high gradually, and ask for frequent feedback to judge the pace, rather than leap in at high intensity even when the sub indicated he could handle it.
In addition to nuanced limits being hard to define exactly, they may not be set in stone - limits change and can be changed:
Creative Doms - The best Doms are highly creative in their ability to contrive different ways of abusing their subs, and this is something that subs enjoy. But this involves highly complex and nuanced overlapping power exchanges, methods, and intensity. Creative Doms can think up creative ways of breaching the subs limits (even hard limits) in ways the sub accepts and enjoys.
Inexperienced subs - subs may be too inexperienced to know or communicate their limits adequately. A sub may only know he does, or does not, like it after he’s tried it. A sub may start out with many hard limits which rapidly dissolve as he starts doing D/s.
Limits relax over time - The subs limits generally relax over time and with experience. What was established as a limit at the outset of the journey, may not be a limit after many sexual encounters, and as trust builds with the Dom.
Training subs - Training a sub can change his limits. The subs thought processes, behaviours, and ultimately limits can be consciously (or unconsciously) changed by the Dom through training - cum control to keep him horny, corporal punishment, and conditioning the sub with rewards can all change the subs perspective.
Drugs and Alcohol - Doms and subs should be careful when using drugs and alcohol in D/s. What can seem a good idea to both Dom and sub while on drugs or drunk, they may regret when sober. And safety is always an important factor to consider. But Drugs and alcohol can be a legitimate way of increasing the Doms power over the sub, if both parties are aware and accept the effect. Poppers are often used by Doms to release the sub from his inhibitions. The sub may refuse to lick the urinal at the pub, but after a few big popper hits and sucking the Doms cock he’s on his knees and eagerly licking the piss splash from the bowl.
Obviously, all of these dynamics make the concept of consent in D/s a very grey area even with agreed limits. The Dom should plan the D/s journey, the subs training, and each sexual encounter thoughtfully in order to assure that limits are respected and only breached when the sub is ready for it.
Planning the D/s Journey, Sexual Encounters, and Training
D/s relationships can be short one-off sexual encounters or extended journeys with multiple encounters, some ongoing for years or even a lifetime. How the Dom plans a sexual encounter and the subs training depends on the extent of the D/s journey.
One-off sexual encounters should generally be kept within the Doms experience level and within the subs limits and training level, since there isn’t enough time to train the sub and establish the trust that would enable limits to be breached.
When planning a longer D/s journey that will involve numerous sexual encounters, and extended training regimes, the Dom should always start at the beginning and not presume anything about the unique journey with an individual sub. The Dom should:
Set One or More Audacious Goals. The goals are fantasy scenes that the Dom would like to perform with the sub, or simply a sadistic intent to make the sub do more and more extreme play, or having complete dominion over the sub. Goals serve as the notional destination for the D/s journey. The goals should be aspirational, creative, and audacious but also somewhat realistic. Goals can be set within the subs limits, breaching only his soft limits, or potentially breaching his hard limits. They may challenge the Dom and/or sub, or be well within both their experience levels. Even if the goal is never realised, its the journey that is fun. Normally, a Dom would keep his audacious goal to himself. This enables him to refine and change the goal as the journey progresses, without committing to a specific destination, and to maintain an air of mystery about his intent. The Dom does not need the sub to consent to his goals, but he may chose it as an option.
Understand the sub. The Dom must seek to know and understand the sub. The Dom must probe the subs limits, experience level, attitudes, physical fitness, likes and dislikes with respect to his audacious goal, but without giving away his intent (since he may change his goal based on the subs responses). There are numerous methods of discretely discovering the subs inner most thoughts on D/s activities and his limits. For example, sending the sub pictures of various D/s scenes and telling him to rank their relative hotness, asking him to comment on his limits with respect to those pictures, have him send his health and fitness stats, have him send a ‘Resume’ of all his D/s experiences with what he liked and disliked, message the subs previous Doms, tell him to complete the fetishes section on FetLife, or simply ask direct questions. If the Dom is experienced enough, and understands his sub enough, he is able to judge how and when to push the subs experience level and limits.
Understand the progression to the goals. The Dom should think through the progressive incremental steps to get the sub trained for the goal. Identifying appropriate progressive steps that; take the sub through any restrictive limits, ensure the sub is trained and proficient in the methods planned, ensure the sub can handle the intensity, and ensure the sub is appropriately physically fit and groomed. If the progressive steps are too slow, the sub may get bored and end the journey. If the progressive steps are too fast, the sub may get scared and end the journey. The Dom must use his understanding of the sub to judge the speed of progression, and make adjustments as the journey progresses.
Once the Dom knows the sub, the direction of the journey, and the progressive steps, he can work to plan the subs training. The subs training regime can take place both with or without the Dom being present:
Without the Dom Present. Training without the Dom present requires the Dom to have trust in the sub, but consent is less of a problem since the sub must perform his training under his own volition (hence can be a good way to work on the subs soft limits). The Dom may ask for evidence that the training has been performed, and implement a system of corporal punishment for when the sub fails in the training. Examples of this type of training are; wearing a butt plug to work as a step forward to a public submission goal, stretching the subs hole with bigger dildos to reach a fisting goal, gym training to lose weight or build muscle, licking some of his piss off his fingertips at the urinal as the first step to breaching his piss soft limit, sniffing the Doms jock with anal masturbation to key the sub to the Doms scent, only allowing anal masturbation to train anal orgasms, having the sub use his sub name on his cup at starbucks to further public submission, wearing dog tags as a precursor to a permanent collar, increasing use of a chastity cage, etc.
With the Dom Present. Training with the Dom present can be done in all aspects of life, not just in a D/s sessions involving sex. Examples of this type of training include all those that do not require him present, but also; buying beers for the Dom at the pub then drinking his piss, licking the Doms sweaty armpits clean at the gym, etc. The most significant training for a sub with the Dom present will be performed during a sexual encounter, or a scene.
When planning a sexual encounter, aka scene, the Dom should consider the following:
Before the Session. The Dom must consider all the logistics of the scene in detail - where and when will the scene take place, what equipment will be required, setting up the venue, music, who will be involved and in what way, how will everyone gain access to the venue, if other Doms will be there making sure they know the subs limits, ensuring privacy, etc. The Dom should enlist the help of the sub in some or all of the arrangements. Thinking through the safety of the scene is critical before the play takes place. The Dom must also decide how much of his planned scene he will share with the sub before hand, therefore how much explicit consent, bearing in mind the sub might not want to know.
Crossing The Threshold. At the day and time of the scene the sub arrives at the scene and must cross a threshold. The Dom has arranged an obvious threshold that makes it clear that the sub is leaving behind his daily life, and entering a world where he is only sub. It is common for Doms to demand a sub to remove all his clothing at the threshold, and may add collars, chastity cages, harnesses, etc. Some Doms test the subs devotion by the threshold being the door of his apartment or hotel room, and the sub must strip naked outside the door (semi-public) and wait to be admitted. However the threshold works, it is an important mental switch for the sub as he crosses a consensual threshold into the scene (whether he knows whats on the other side or not).
Warm Up. Just as with vanilla sex, a D/s encounter should start with warming up and turning on the people involved. The sub doesn’t have to be horny in order to serve, but it will make him more accepting of it. Getting a sub horny is normally as simple as having him sniff a jock, lick an armpit, or sucking the Doms dick. But the sub also needs warming up for the activities in the scene, especially if the Dom intends to push the subs experience level or limits. For example, if the sub will be flogged or caned, warm up his back/ass with slaps to get the blood flowing into that area. If the sub will take more nipple pain, then work his nipples over with fingers before hand. If fisting is on the list, then warm up the subs hole.
The Play. The main event is one or more types of play - D/s activities. The play can be focused on the Doms pleasure, training the sub, or both. The sub may be punished, fisted, fucked, whipped, take piss, wax, skull fucked, etc. If the sub is being trained to take more pain, humiliation, restraint, or servitude the Dom will often reward the sub as it happens in order to reinforce the training and conditioning. The sub should let the Dom know if he is ever not comfortable with the play. Safety is always the priority. The Dom should never feel rushed in the play. The Dom must be mindful, cognisant of his subs emotional state, physical state, and safety - especially if the sub enters sub-space.
Aftercare. After an activity has finished the Dom must bond with and comfort the sub, having food and water available for the sub can also help. The sub may need some time to ‘come down’ from his experience.
Crossing the Threshold. When the sub is ready, he will then cross the threshold back into his daily life, hopefully with a grin on his face.
After the Session. In the days following the scene, the Dom should check in with the sub to ensure he is emotionally and physically well. And to get feedback from the sub relating to the scene so that the next incremental step can be planned appropriately.
Even though the Dom will probably not to reveal his audacious goal to the sub, he may discuss what he has planned for an individual encounter. The less the sub knows about the plan, the greater the intensity of his submission. The Dom may incrementally provide less information about his plans as the journey progresses. The Dom must use his understanding of the sub to judge the appropriate level of information he must give prior to an encounter to ensure an appropriate level of consent. Many Doms and subs expect each scene to be fully negotiated before hand, others do not.
Trust and Communication in D/s
Trust is probably the most important component of a D/s relationship. It is slow to build, and quick to destroy. Trust is a two-way street between Doms and subs - and both directions are equally important:
The Dom must trust that the sub will indicate if he’s not comfortable, and sub must trust his Dom will adjust his actions accordingly, and each without judgement or reprisal.
Doms and subs must trust they will be understanding, tolerant, and forgiving of any mistakes the other may make in actions or communications. Subs often fantasize about certain scenes but when it comes to reality they hate it. Doms often misread signals or progress to fast/slow.
Doms and subs must trust that the other is embarking on the D/s relationship with some awareness of what is involved. Power cannot be exchanged without trust.
Constant communication is the key to building trust. Communication is not only verbal and explicit, but also through subtle and implied; hesitation to follow an instruction, moans of pleasure, signs of panic, eager enthusiasm, subtle hints where “no” actually means “yes”, etc.
Doms must learn to read, and subs learn to give, both verbal and explicit, and subtle and implied communications. And those communications understood within the context of the individual D/s journey.
The bottom line in D/s is that the Dom has and takes power, and the sub gives up his power. Both the Dom and the sub like it that way. Both like the Dom to be confident and empowered in order to take charge. The Dom is empowered by:
Incrementally progressive power exchange without rejection.
Clearly stated limits with explanations of reasoning.
A good understanding of the subs experience level, attitudes, likes, and dislikes.
A thought out plan for the journey, scene, and training, with mindful execution.
The subs constant communication with the Dom.
Established trust based on a common understanding of D/s.
These things enable the sub to empower the Dom to take control of their joint D/s journey, and have a lot of fun along the way. The Dom must feel empowered to dominate without guilt, shame, nor regret.
If the Dom is empowered and the sub isn’t indicating stop, the Dom has a solid green light to go!
Doms bear a heavy burden with the power and control they command, but it is in their nature to wield it, just as it is the subs nature to yield it.
Consent is an important concept, but also one that only becomes a problem when it is perceived to be breached. If we focused on the strict written definition of consent, as permission prior to every action and as if it were a legally binding document, then nobody would have any fun, and D/s and vanilla sex would be dead. Doms must be empowered to lead, and subs must follow, each being mindful to their respective inner-nature and acting in accordance with the principles that keep D/s appropriately consensual.
Be safe out there everyone!
