i’m in this weird transitional phase and i feel very lost.
graduating from my undergrad officially next wednesday. funny thing is the place I work for scheduled me a full 9 hour shift during the entire thing. i don’t have a job lined up for me just yet, but i don’t want to beat myself up because hey -- i haven’t even crossed the stage yet. but i will. and by the time i do, i doubt i’d have a job.
i feel lonely. well.. not lonely, in the sense of actually being alone. i’m more-so lonely in the sense of feeling lost. and having nobody else feel that way with me. my boyfriend’s doing more than i could ever imagine him to and is taking great care of me, though. i appreciate him so much.
i’m also just. broke. lmao. i haven’t had any type of income in 6 weeks and commuting downtown isn’t cheap. i need to pay my bills and get my car’s oil changed. plus my presto card is running out since i forgot commuting costs close to $200 a month. UGH. granted, i should’ve prepared myself for this but i didn’t and it’s biting me in the ass.
like most years, I’ve grown and learned from everything that’s happened over the last 365 days. 2018 was simultaneously the best and worst year of my life. I learned a lot - with patience and honesty being the most evident. I’ve learned to take things a day at a time, and to avoid avoiding confrontation. I faced my demons this year. My anxiety came back full force, with depression being a terrifyingly possible real thing in my life. there were a handful of times this year where I genuinely wanted to end my life (lol) and they were truthfully the scariest of times. my boyfriend and best friend gave me light, hope, and security during each moment - and I owe them my life for reminding me that things will be ok, to give myself time, and to accept myself for who I am.
I went through a lot (and by a lot, I mean a lot) of health issues this year. I’m pretty sure I visited the doctors at least twice a month, every month - with new problem arising during each visit. stress caused most of these problems. stupidity was the reason behind the rest.
October was probably the hardest month. I had to deal with a lot of these health issues on my own, and it was fucking scary. On top of that, things weren’t going so well mentally and emotionally. I was overthinking everything, doubting myself and the people around me, and attempted to take on each problem on my own. I felt betrayed, alone, and stupid. I wanted to die lol. This month was the month where every negative thought I ever had about myself came to light and proved to be true. And nothing/nobody could tell me otherwise. All in all, I realized social media really does fucking suck lol
November was probably the best month. after finding myself in the deepest hole I’ve ever dug myself in, my boyfriend somehow found a way to help me bring myself back up. he taught me how to love myself again, be kind with others, be patient with everybody, and to remember that I won’t ever be alone. my best friends reminded me of what I can be capable of through their own accomplishments, with others making mistakes that helped me realize that I’d never want to be in that position. this was also the month where most of my health issues went away - and let me tell you, it was one of the happiest days ever.
and although the last two months were amazing, I still relapse and fall into that hole every once in a while. just this last week I found myself having nightmares as if it was October all over again. but then I remember that in comparison to the entire year, these hard times took up no time at all.
2018 was filled with more good then bad - despite the bad being really bad. I went on my first trip with my boyfriend, took my first trip with his family, moved homes (finally!), had the best grades of my University career, found success in my job (even though it’s part time), strengthened my relationships with my friends, bought my own car!, discovered and ate at a lot of good food spots (s/o angeliques!), and nailed my skin care routine (yes this is important).
it was a long ass year, but a year I wouldn’t take back for anything.
thank you to those were a part of it (in any way, shape, or form).
I’m hurting. This shit’s hitting me harder than I thought it would’ve. I want to believe you, I do... but it’s hard to believe your words after seeing actions that tell me otherwise. I never thought I was enough and I guess this just proves that I won’t ever be. I’m sorry I’m not better. I’m sorry I’m not her.
I feel like I've had this conversation so many times that I'm out here telling myself:
1) I'm crazy
2) I need to suck it up
3) You don't care about my feelings enough.
It's also crazy because my mind went to an extreme place where it shouldn't have - but the amount of times this has happened combined with how I felt made it inevitable tbh lol. I never thought that in my right mind that this would bother me but then again I said a lot of things that have changed since then.
you ever tell yourself to stop thinking bout the past and focus on the present? to stop worrying about your future and to pay attention to whatever’s happening now? I tell myself that all the time lol.
yet here I am, wondering if I’m (or will ever be) good enough.
dededos
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
blakekathryn
