and with each passing moment
I become more disciplined
Instead of self destruction
To react to life in its full spectrum
Instead of numbing out every hour
I don’t want to feel like a slave
But stronger emotionally and mentally in the long run. To be able to handle my bipolar and sensitivities as they come. To rely on my support system when things get hard.
Smoking doesn’t actually solve anything. It just creates a temporary relief and even then….it’s a bandaid to what lies underneath it all. I am beginning to realize, how much smoking is more an emotional escape…a way to process or regulate from survivor mode. But helloooo, I’m not in survivor mode anymore. I’m not 16 and hating everyone or being hyper independent out of necessity. Or constantly beefing with my family as often. I have a good life, that needs to be cherished a bit more. Sure I may have some buried rage, but things are not as bad as it was back then. I have self control. I have support. And I think there’s a bit of a “existential emo kid” in me that connects deeply to unhealthiness or glamorizes my depressive swings / sadness as normal.
In the 8-9 days I’ve been off tobacco, my skin has cleared up,my lungs aren’t phlegmy, I’m not coughing in my sleep or wheezing, or hitting my inhaler every few hours, my singing voice is clear. All good things. whenever I feel like the addiction is bubbling up and my head feels like it’s just above water….I just take a deep breath and tell myself to love myself a little. There’s nothing new or interesting on the other side of that cigarette.
a better version of you is coming.
Be excited for that energy instead.
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