I've decided to go back to umblr since I have no one to talk to. Maybe it can help m e release my frustration at everything. I am new at the office and I don't have a friend that would understand me. I ahve friends way back HS, College and from my previous work, but they don't seem to be the perfect person to talk to.
Let me statt first with myself.
I have been developing these "bad habits" lately. I know I am a good person. I was never jealous of what other people have. I never thought of something bad for other people. I always wish them the best. But lately, these past few months, I've been getting this "insecurity" with the people around me. This is the first "bad thing" that I've been feeling. I hate people who's pretty. I hate them for having this "special treatment" wherever they go. Do people really have to base on the girls' looks? I'm not pretty JSYK. That's why I'm having this thought. I'm not pretty and I'm getting this "unfair" treatment. And since they are pretty, they are getting favors from other people as well. I am not charismatic either. Should I blame myself for having these unlucky traits I have? :( It's just so frustrating that other people would depend their treatment base on your looks.
Next is jealousy. I am now starting to get jealous of what others have. I am so jealous of what's happening with their lfe that I cannot do.It's not that I cannot do because I'm afraid but I can't do it because I have to consider many things. I have to consider what my family would think before I do something for myself. I'm just tired. It's not that I don't want to think about them, but I want to decide for myself. I want to live independently. I want to experience living without hesitation. In short, I want money; main reason why I am torn between deciding for myself and my family. I want travel, I want to eat in a fancy restaurant, I want to buy everything I want without looking at the price tag first. I want to live leisurely.
This is not how I usually look at life. And I hate myself for this. It's like I am changing. So much. And this started when me and my friend drifted apartt. I am not sure if "drifted aprt" is the right term, but I choose to use this term. He isone of the closest friend I have that I can lean to anytime. YES, ANYTIME; early morning, noon, afternoon, late night. He's the type of friend that would be available if you need help. I depended on him emotionally so much. Too much that I don't know how I would handle the frustrations that I have since he left me. For me, he's the perfect person to talk to about anything. So it is really heartbreaking for me.
This is not the first time that someone drifted away from me. This is actually the second time. Tanga db? Hindi na natuto sa unang pagkakamali. Though their difference is that this time, it hurts more, and I'm not sure if we'll be okay soon. Or most probably, we'll never be the same way again.
But you know what, I want to start over again. I still want him to be part of my life. I don't care anymore about the reason why this happened. I won't care either who he chooses. If he wants me not to ask much about his life, then so be it. I might be selfish but I want him back or at the very least I need someone who'll listen to my endless rants, down to the smallerst thing I notice everyday. But, I know that I won't have another perfect person to talk to about everything.
For now, I'll end it here. As if someone's reading this. lol.
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