essay about helena eagan 1
First of all, you need to know that nothing in this world could ever stop me from loving her.
Let’s go back to the very beginning, what kind of person decides to have severance procedure? If we look at the examples: Mark chose it bc he didn’t want to deal with grief, Irving bc he was lonely (and for reasons still a little unclear) and Dylan bc he couldn’t find a place for himself in the outside world.
But what about Helena? The future CEO of the company that invented this procedure. She says she did it to help her father and bc it sounded freaking awesome. Everything is a game, lie. It’s all about appearances, about making things look better from the outside. But what’s actually going on inside this woman’s mind?
You’re born, you grow up and you stay locked in the same environment your whole life. You never have real friends. You grow up under strict rules, subjected to years of emotional abuse. You’re 30 years old and still living with your father who happens to be an absolutely terrifying man. She’s a woman with nowhere else to go except Lumon or that creepy house.
When someone offers her this idea the chance to escape for 8 hours a day ofc she’s going to think it’s freaking awesome. For 8 hours, she could be someone else. Maybe she could make friends. Maybe she could be happy. She’s someone who holds to maybes.
Helena was so excited before getting that chip implanted in her brain. When you’re miserable and trapped, you’d do anything take any risk just to feel a little happiness. I honestly don’t think Lumon’s advertisement even mattered to her at that point. I believe Helena always dreamed of being someone else. Of being born into another family. And now even if it was just for 8 hours she had that chance. It’s no wonder that a woman with such a miserable life would jump at this idea.
And so, she became Helly. Suddenly she had two friends and a father figure. And then one of those friends turned into the love of her life.
Helena had given herself a way out an opportunity but Helly didn’t want to stay there. Why? Bc she felt trapped too. This in itself is proof that big feelings love, loneliness, hope can transcend severance.
The escape route Helena created for herself became a prison for Helly (at least for now). Helly tried to escape over and over. She even threatened to cut off her own fingers. Helena said some brutal lines to Helly lines that cut like a knife:
"I understand that you’re unhappy with the life you’ve been given, but you know what? Eventually we all have to accept reality."
You’re unhappy just like me. Accept reality just like me. Try to be happy with the life you’ve been given bc Helena didn’t believe she could find another way out. For her, being someone else for 8 hours was the best thing she could do for herself. And she wanted Helly to do the same. Helena is someone who just wants to be happy, to exist, to live. Someone who’s never been loved, never experienced real affection.
Then one day Innies rebelled. And Helena who knew nothing about the life her Innie had started watching it on the screen. The look on her face shock, admiration it’s mesmerizing.
She smiles when she sees Helly joking with Mark. She can’t believe it. Is that really me? Honestly seeing Helly happy made her happy.
And then she sees Helly (herself) kiss Mark. Maybe Helena had never even experienced that in her own life. She freezes, can’t believe it. Who knows how many times she watched it.
At that moment -her hunger for love, for touch, for connection- overwhelmed her.
What did it feel like to be loved when she had never experienced it? And now this person she created for herself for just 8 hours was experiencing it. Helena had even told Helly: “I am a person. You are not.” And yet Helly had a better life than she did. Helly had love. That shook her to the core.
Let’s be honest (Britt’s voice :d) if you were Helena, you would do anything to be Helly.
And then she found herself on severed floor. The man she had seen on the camera was there and he hugged her tightly. Probably no one had ever hugged her like that before. She was welcomed with such warmth. He was saying, “I was so worried about you.” worried, for her? While her own father didn’t even care, Mark cared.
She needed to experience that kind of love it wasn’t a want it was a need. Deep down, maybe she already knew this would eventually come to an end but sometimes, you just want to enjoy the journey. That’s exactly what Helena did.
She was going to live through love, affection, friendship, and a sense of family all the things she wasn’t allowed to experience outside. No matter what.
Then came that moment their first time alone in the hallway. When she asked i-Mark, after learning that Ms. Casey was his wife, if they were happy in their wedding photo. His answer upset Helena. Bc his wife is alive and o-Mark wouldn’t want to stay here with her (at least not at that moment). And that felt like losing i-Mark the one from the screen, the man Helly and herself were in love with. What if he didn’t stay? Losing the only love you might ever have...
And when i-Mark realized Hellyna was upset, he said: “I never liked Ms. Casey, and I never felt that way.” Never felt that way? He never felt what he felt with Helly with anyone else.
And this came from a man who couldn’t even understand the difference between Helly and Helena. Do you see? He loved her sm that i-Mark couldn’t see the difference bc what his feelings transcend severance. The plan was simple he would save Ms. Casey and reunite her with o-Mark. And he would continue his love story with Hellyna. Helena was going to help him bc that’s what Helly would do. And contrary to what some people think I don’t think Helena is cruel. Despite her feelings for Mark, she was okay with the idea of reuniting o-Mark with Gemma.
She was happy spending time with him, walking through those labyrinthine hallways, discovering new places, feeling that tension in the corner of a corridor is he going to kiss me now?
Helly had experienced her first kiss but Helena?
And then they found themselves in a snowy forest. Everything was so natural and wild. Helena was happy by Mark’s side, making fun of the Kier family nonsense, laughing so hard her dimples showed... And Mark was responding, laughing at her jokes, even bursting into laughter.
Maybe Helena wasn’t so different from Helly anymore… Or maybe Helena was thinking “If I had grown up in a normal environment, I would have been just like Helly.”
And she was so happy and in love by the campfire. Until her happiness started to be overshadowed. She began facing the possibility of losing the only thing she had. She lashed out hurt Irving and immediately regretted it. Irving was a lonely soul, too and that’s why he was the only one who noticed Helena.
The fun was over. In her tent, she was genuinely upset, regretful, and a little angry. Who knows how many times she had been in this state alone in her room and no one ever knocked on her door asking if she was okay.
But Mark was there. He came to her tent asking if she was alright, even comforting her saying like forget it “He kind of deserved it.” All of this was new for Helena. And I’m not surprised some people don’t understand how much that means to her. And she was about to have her first kiss. Their eyes were shining both of them.
Helena, just like Helly, had fallen in love with i-Mark.
Some might think this was deception bc i-Mark was in love with Helly but his love was so big that he couldn’t tell the difference between Helly and Helena two sides of the same coin. He loved every single thing Helena hated about herself just the way she was. Helena was tasting for the first time, touch, gaze, kiss, embrace of a genuinely loving person.
And she wanted to engrave every moment into her memory rarely closing her eyes as if closing them would mean never seeing him again. Her love for Mark was so big it brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it.
For the first time this was Helena; vulnerable, transparent, open.
She was so happy but at the same time, the thought of him being in love with Helly was constantly in her head. And on top of that, she was the future CEO of Lumon scarred and impossible from many directions. And she didn’t even like being Helena.
While looking at Mark with loving eyes and seeing him look back at her the same way she wanted to let go of all her burdens, tell him everything but all she could say was that she didn’t like who she was outside. Her whole body was trembling she didn’t want to lose Mark. And Mark said one of the most beautiful things she could ever hear:
"I don’t care who you are out there. I care who you are with me. That’s all."
It was so simple. Helly or Helena it didn’t matter. They were the same person and everything was okay when she was with Mark. And maybe, for the first time, Helena who didn’t see herself as worthy of love became sure that i-Mark loved her just like this just as she was.
About the parts where Helena pretends like Helly.
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