Cody Ziler Is Trying Really Hard

Writer, performer, wuss.

[codyziler]

After Watching One Episode of "The Great British Baking Show," I’m Ready to Judge the Break Room Bakes

Janet, your Rice Krispie Treats are a bit basic if I'm being honest. Still, it's a delightful biscuit that everyone in accounting should be proud of.

After waking from a sorta sexy dream about Paul Hollywood, I wrote this dumb thing for @pointsincase. Read it and let the laughter shower you in golden waves. 

[codyziler]

In honor of a brand new season of lavish sponge towers, tragically soggy bottoms, and charming British accents, here’s a @pointsincase classic from yours truly. It’s certainly deserving of a handshake from Paul Hollywood. 

[codyziler]

I Accept the Apology I Demanded From You

Now you know, you can't just sweep your problems under the rug and hope I don't build them up into metaphors for my failures as a parent.

Being a parent is hard, but strategically manipulating your child for your own benefit makes the whole journey worth it. Or so claims my latest for @pointsincase. Sorry, Mom! 

[codyziler]

Warm spiced cider, boxes adorned with ornate bows, and family-induced flagellation--the holidays are upon us! Prepare yourself for the labyrinthine minefield that is Thanksgiving Dinner by reacquainting yourself with the politics of humiliation. Mom always knows best!        

[codyziler]

A light dusting of cinnamon: This makes the coffee kind of taste like cinnamon, but just a little bit.

Can't get through a day at the office without a few mugs of mud? Check out my latest for @pointsincase for some creative ideas to spice up your workweek!

[codyziler]

The President shall enjoy full immunity while patting his head and rubbing his stomach at the same time.

Here is some politically seismic, entirely satirical news for your feeds, courtesy of @pointsincase and myself. 

[codyziler]

Froot Loops’ Toucan Sam is about as dreamy as tropical birds get. Father McGillicuddy had a much harder time wrapping his brain around this one.

As Pride Month comes to a close, I was inspired to share my own journey to self-acceptance in hopes it might help others struggling with their identity. Remember: you are never alone! Even if you long to be choked by a cartoon elf! 

[codyziler]

Tomorrow is opening night! Come watch my friends and I live out our bathhouse fantasies at the Annoyance Theater in Chicago! Click the link for tickets: https://theannoyance.com/events/event/steamworks-the-musical/ 

[codyziler]

Quiz: What Have You Done With My Amulet, Boy?

‘Twas I who revived your battle-weary body with the healing milk of the tri-horned bison!

Only one way to find out. Click the link and take the quiz to discover your destiny! 

[codyziler]

Honest Rules for Staying at Grandma’s House

Good manners are expected at all times. That means always saying “please,” “thank you,” and “our mother made a terrible mistake not baptizing us.”

“If I’d known grandchildren were so easy to manipulate, I would have had them first!” My latest for @pointsincase investigates the tense nature of mother-daughter relationships as well as the politics of having ice cream for dinner. 

[codyziler]

Excerpts from Tom DeLonge’s Next UFO Manifesto That are Definitely Not Pleas to Rejoin Blink-182

How could your bandmates of 13 rad-as-hell years up and replace you when all you requested was an indefinite break to go hunt aliens for a living?

The truth is out there: Tom DeLonge made a terrible mistake. Read more over at @pointsincase!

[codyziler]

I Might Have Shot And Mutilated A Bald Eagle, But At Least I Didn’t Vote For Trump

It has not been easy being ole Allen Thacker lately, let me tell you. In addition to being placed on house arrest, ordered to complete 100 hours of community service, and required to pay $500 in fines, my very patriotism has been dragged through the stinking mud. And that, friends, is where I draw the…

Regardless of what you think about Allen Thacker’s decision to shoot and kill a bald eagle that was trespassing on his property, I think we can all agree that it’s still not as bad as voting for Trump. My latest for the @thehiggsweldon makes the case. 

[codyziler]

If Trump Won’t Protect Trans Kids, My Ninja Weapons and I Will

When the lives of countless transgender children are at stake, I've no choice but to raise aloft my twin sai and declare, "Fearmongers, beware!"

The Trump Administration continues its assault on the trans community, recently declaring it won’t investigate any more cases brought by transgender students seeking to use the restroom in which they feel comfortable. That means that, despite my better judgement, I have no choice but to protect them myself. Huzzah! 

[codyziler]

Was Being Transported to King Arthur’s Court and Charged With Saving Camelot Really the Best Way to Learn Self-Confidence or Whatever?

Couldn't you just sit me down and teach me whatever lesson it is you're going for like a normal wizard mentor? Without the near-fatal experiences?

A Kid in King Arthur’s Court is a sick, demented exercise in child torture and neglect. The Disney corporation should be ashamed of itself. Please like and share this so that we may finally achieve #JusticeForCalvin.  

[codyziler]

I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate

Bureaucrats will waste zero time before pointing fingers and disrespecting the men, women, and children I'm about to systematically mow down.

Desperate times call for desperate satire. My latest for @pointsincase is live now. FUCK YOUR GUNS. 

[codyziler]

Cody Ziler on Twitter

“TFW you playin it cool cause you know he gonna send that “u up” text once his main piece falls asleep”

[codyziler]

Possible Reasons Your Rush Hour Train Has Been Standing For 15 Minutes

1. The rookie conductor got stuck with the one stick shift in the entire fleet.2. There’s a family of wild deer on the tracks and the train is waiting for it to cross.3. It took a wrong turn and Google Maps is taking forever to recalculate.4. Too many magnets on board.5. Not enough magnets on…

Since the midwest is being repeatedly gut-punched with snow at the moment, now’s a good time to check out this list I compiled of reasons your rush hour train has been standing for forever. SPOILER: it’s because it’s haunted! 

[codyziler]

I Accept the Apology I Demanded From You

Now you know, you can't just sweep your problems under the rug and hope I don't build them up into metaphors for my failures as a parent.

Being a parent is hard, but strategically manipulating your child for your own benefit makes the whole journey worth it. Or so claims my latest for @pointsincase. Sorry, Mom! 

[codyziler]

Your Writer’s Block Needs You to Cut the Crap

The Next Great American Novel won’t be written by a 27-year-old with clear braces and a Deathly Hallows tattoo.

Check out my latest for @pointsincase! It’s only slightly more autobiographical than you think.