Coffee and Marlboro Lights

[coffeadmarlboro]

Day 1: May 1, 2024

Age: 25 Height: 5’6

SW: 233

HW: 241

LW: 140

GW: 200

UGW: 130

[coffeadmarlboro]

Ok then time to start over I guess

[coffeadmarlboro]

All I ever think about is wanting to be skinny anymore

[coffeadmarlboro]

I wish I was skinny so fucking bad

[coffeadmarlboro]

Well. I’m pregnant. And I have no idea how I’m going to do this.

[eatersneverprosper]

“Your brain alone needs 500 calories...” yeah well my brain should have thought about that before it gave me all these disorders

[coffeadmarlboro]

Sometimes it’s frustrating when people who love me force me to eat a meal because like I understand they’re trying to help and they want me to eat but it usually sets me on a binge which makes me feel guilty so afterwards instead of just eating healthy I completely fast. And like none of that is their fault but it’s doesn’t help either.

[coffeadmarlboro]

By some miracle I managed to stay under 800 calories today and not feel like absolute shit for it. Maybe it’s because I was distracted by work.

[coffeadmarlboro]

Went on a bit of a binge today.

I ate a shitload of Cheez-it’s and chocolate chip cookies which is actually kinda weird for me because I don’t normally crave sweets. Salty snacks are my trouble food so normally when I binge it’s chips and chips and chips.

I also had a milkshake and medium French fry from Carl’s Jr.

Anyways. Another day, another setback. Oh well. I’m going to drink my detox and go to bed and try again tomorrow.

[bigbagel]

my ed convincing me that my bone structure will change if i just lose a couple more pounds:

[coffeadmarlboro]

Tell me why I actually felt sort of ok today and then had this convo with my boyfriend:

Me: “do you think I’m fat?”

My bf: “no you’re beautiful”

Me: “do you think I’m skinny”

My bf: “………”

My bf: “ you’re thicc”

Like thanks that’s what I needed. Another way to call me fat. Anyway I took a couple laxatives after and now I know if I ever need free thinspo I can just ask my boyfriend if I’m skinny.

[ursulaklegun-deactivated2024122]

People who love cold weather are fucking weird. You like to freeze? You like to shiver?? You like when you take a step outside and the air stings your skin???

[peacemode]

[darksteel-relic]

[xanthomonus]

I swear I posted this when I made it, idk what happened

[coffeadmarlboro]

I can’t stop thinking about food today.

Eating it. Not eating it. Gaining weight. Losing weight. Hating myself enough to give up. Hating myself too much to stop.

Nobody ever tells you about the real dichotomy of an eating disorder. It’s exhausting.

[petitexed]

Me when my scale says I haven’t lost 10lbs in 5 minutes

[coffeadmarlboro]

Y’all ever feel like absolute garbage about yourself and have no idea how to actually talk about it or bring it up in conversation so you jokingly (but non-jokingly) call yourself fat or ugly out loud just so the thoughts will stop eating at you but then your friends or family get upset with you for saying stuff like that so then you feel annoying and wonder if they think you’re fishing for compliments so now you’re insecure about TWO things??

Yeah that.

[coffeadmarlboro]

Weight checkin!

Height: 5’6”

Start weight: 185 lbs

Sunday 7/4: 183 lbs

Today Saturday 7/10: 179 lbs

Goal Weight: 160 lbs

Ultimate Goal Weight: 130 lbs