Personal thoughts

This blog is for myself. To express myself in words without keeping everything inside. Stay curious

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Nostalgia

I've officially been back home from England 2 months ago last Thursday. By this time, I would have imagined to be completely back in my old life but I'm not at all. Most students get the nostalgic emotions 2-3 weeks after coming back home but I seem to have been on a high of happiness from being back home extra long. I didn't seem to be missing my life in England more than that. Obviously I missed it but not as much as I thought I would. That was until a couple of days ago. Every single emotion of nostalgia has been going through me. I am missing everything about my life in England. My friends, my school, my host sister, my host parents and just the country in general. Life at home with my parents is just the same and were happy. My brother and I also seem to be closer now than we were before I left. The thing that changed the most is my relationship with all my friends. While I was having the time of my life in England, all of my friends stayed in Canada in their normal lives so it makes sense for them to not have changed in 5 months but they seem to be forgetting that I was completely alone in a brand new country with brand new people by my side for those 5 months and let me tell you, it changes you completely!! I didn't think it changed me much at first but as time go by, I see that no one else has changed other than me. When I came back, my friends were all saying everything was like before and at the beginning I agreed because I didn't think things would be different. But since I'm completely back in my old life, I'm not on that high anymore and the changes I've been through are starting to show and Im starting to feel different. It's as if you grow up and become this completely new changes person while everyone else just stays at the same level. Not only that but I am starting school in exactly two weeks and I am but am not happy to go back. School will never be the same. I know that the moment classes start, the nostalgic feelings will come rushing back. I'll want to be in my wonderful school in England with my amazing friends. I'll want my free lessons in the common room again or going to the shops with friends during our frees even if we weren't allowed. Everything I do in my old school will somehow remind me of my English school. I know it'll take a while for these feelings to go away but the least I can hope for is that it isn't that painful

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Homesickness and this summer

I would have thought that after two months I wouldn't get homesick or if I did it wouldn't be that bad but that's wrong. Tomorrow will be two months I've been here and I had the worst day of homesickness today. I had never cried before because of homesickness and today I did. It's not like I could hold it in and ignore it (well some parts of the day yes) it was to the point that I thought of one little thing from back home and tears would start growing in my eyes. I had to be alone for a while or else I would have just bursted into tears in front of everyone. I don't want to do that. I was already Skyping with my parents so that would help my feelings (actually talking to people back home helps me get over homesickness). As soon as I started telling them about what was going on for the last two days (I just felt awkward and unwanted) I started crying and I told them I was homesick and then my mom started crying which made me cry even more but then we stopped talking about it and just letting it out to my parents helped me so much! I love them to death and I seriously don't know why I would do without them! I miss them so much but I'm seeing them in 2 months and a half so it's all good! I'm looking forward to summer so much! My friends and I have so many things planned already and everything seems to be perfect. Im going home June 8th but originally I was supposed to go home the 21st. That got pushed back because my parents can't come join me because my dad got an operation. So I've only told 2 of my friends I was coming the 8th and I'm planning on surprising everyone else at school the week of the 10th of June. I really can't wait to do that! Then my friends need to finish their school exams and during that time I'll be looking for a job. July 1st is Canada day so that's already a day we have something planned: getting fucking wasted and partying all fucking day lonnnnnng!!! Then on July 4th were going to Montreal for the One Direction concert. We're staying over night so we'll probably go clubbing after the concert or something. And then in August there's a music festival in Montreal again (Osheaga) and we really want to go because some of favourite bands are there like IMAGINE DRAGONS, MUMFORD & SONS AND MANY ORHERS :D AKBEKDLFJS!!!! We also have this summer bucket list we want to accomplish. There's stuff like find a deserted beach and camp there only for one night but that also includes getting drunk and high and whatever the fuck we want to do, hookup with some random hot guys, go on a road trip since I can drive and my friend will soon be able to, throw a party at my friends cottage and many other things! This summer will be filled with memories and crazy stories. I. Can't. Fucking. Wait!!!! So excited for this summer!! I also haven't gotten drunk for a while because I'm an exchange student an I fucking miss it so maybe that's another reason why I'm so excited for summer :D

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Red Nose Day In London

So Friday, I'm going to London which I obviously have been excited about ever since I knew the day I was going but I just discovered that it's also Red Nose Day for the Comic Relief charity and tons of celebrities will be there which means One Direction might be there. I will probably die if I see/meet them. I won't scream or anything because that's not who I am and I find screaming and shouting is absolutely pointless and stupid. Screaming is not a way of showing appreciation of someone, it'll just scare them off. Anyway, the point is that this has made me more excited than before and I just am so looking forward to London for many many reasons which includes the Red Nose Day. :D :D :D

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Is this what it feels like to like someone?

I think I like this guy. I've never actually liked someone before (I'm weird ok) and I think I might actually like this guy. Problem: we're in England which means he's English, and I have to go back home in June and home for me is across an ocean. Why must this happen? Why can't I like guys that are home? Well it's because they're idiots so the real question should be why can't he live in my city :( aaaaahhhhh I don't know if these are actual feelings or if its just my mind playing tricks on me. And we're good friends right now and idk if he likes me because sometimes I feel like he does and other times I feel like I'm just a friend to him and I'm just so confused... So yeah, I think I actually like this guy

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Departure

I am leaving in 12 hours!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHERE DID THE TIME GO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON I DON'T WANNA LEAVE HOME OR MY PARENTS I WANNA HAVE THE COMFORT OF MY PARENTS BEING AROUND AND ALWAYS THERE IF I NEED ANYTHING WHAT AM I DOING????!!!!???!!?!?!?!?!?? I just cried a fucking load because I was with my mom and she helped me finish the packing but holy shit when we were saying good night did we cry! I'll miss her so much, she's the best mom I could EVER ask for. She's perfect and I love her sososososososoosososososososo much!!!!! She and my dad are the people I'm gonna miss the most! They're everything to me and they give me so much. Not necessarily physical giving but just the love they give my brothers and me and how much they trust us! They're amazing and I wouldn't trade them for anything! My parents>>>>everything LOVE THEM LOADS ❤

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I feel like I'm just there. No real purpose for being here with the people I'm with. I really hope i feel different, better in England. Sometimes I wonder if people actually like me or if they just endure me. I'm nothing special really. I have no special talent. I want to stop being such a procrastinator because it is bringing nothing but negative and bad things. I want determination, persistence, courage and motivation. I want to get that flexibility I've always wanted because I want to dance. I want to be able to do any type of dance. Dancing makes me happy, it's my way of expressing myself. Some it's through art, singing, playing a sport, etc. but me its through dancing. Dancing has a special place in my heart and I know that if I ever told anyone I wanted to be a dancer, they would judge me. Because I don't have that "it" thing. Because I don't have the flexibility. Because it's not a real "job". Because the chances of making it are small. But it makes me happy. I really just want to prove everyone wrong. I want to be able for once, to prove EVERY SINGLE PERSON WRONG. Especially those who have never believed I could be something. And one of those person is me. I want to prove myself wrong. Just for once, I want to be able to go fully through with something. Not just when I'm satisfied, but when I know I'm good at it and people look up to me for it. I want to get the feeling of accomplishment when I FINALLY reach my goal. So right now I'm setting myself two goals: 1) to get fit. When I mean fit I mean muscles not just thin. I want to lose that extra fat of my body and replace it with muscles. I want strength. It will help my confidence grow. 2) to be very flexible. So I can do the splits, and an over bump. So I can do a vertical split. So I can bring my leg up without any problem. So I can do any type of dance to be able to express myself in different ways. I want this so badly. I just have to get my head to it and be determined that I CAN do this. I want to be able to look at myself and say: I DID IT!

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Sometimes its really hard being friends with people who don't have the same beliefs as you. Especially ones who don't respect yours... Sometimes I wonder if my friends actually want me there or they just deal with my presence because I'm always just there. I feel like I'm nothing more than a human to them. Not their friend. I seriously hope my exchange will bring me good friends who understand me and like me. Or at least seem to like me I just wanted this last day of class at this school to be good.... Guess that won't happen

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11 days

It’s hitting me more and more that I’m leaving for 5 months. I’ll be all alone in a country I've never been too. I’ll be alone because I’m leaving everything behind for this adventure. I’ll only be able to see my friends and family at a certain time a day through the computer. I will not be seeing anyone I know in person for 5 whole months. I am on an emotional roller coaster right now. I am sad and terrified yet I am happy and excited. I've never truly understood how it felt like to be sad and happy at the same time but now I do. It's a weird feeling and there's no other way to describe it but that you are happy and sad at the very same time. 

But, I truly can't wait for this though. It'll be an experience of a lifetime that I'll never forget. I am only nervous about how I'll feel and how everything will end up. I wonder how it feels like to be far away from everyone you love for a long period of time. 

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2012 memories

This is a list of things that happened in 2012 that were good memories for me and some things I just want to remember :) - My friend Pamela's birthday party. - My friend Jennifer's birthday party. - My volleyball team went to the provincial tournament in Hamilton and we finished 2nd. - Got my new room. Bigger and prettier - Deciding and getting the confirmation on my exchange to England (which I am leaving in 21 days for this!!! :D) - Getting my G1s - CANADA DAY!! - Virginia Beach - Smoking weed/my first joint - Getting a job - Cutting 9 inches of my hair to give to cancer - My friend Phil's gathering. - Gatherings at my place. Once with my friend Brea that lives in Poland. Another time was one of my best friends first time getting drunk. And another time was with my closest guy and girl friends :) - Receiving my host family for my exchange - Wisdom teeth removal - NEW YEARS EVE!!! 👠😘🎉🎊

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I’m never the one who gets called first. I’m never the best friend. I’m never the one someone falls in love with. I’m never the best at school. I’m never the funniest person. I’m never the most entertaining person at parties. I’m never the one someone tells a story first.

I just exist. And I’m sick of it. 

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65 days

The next 2 months will pass by so fast it scares me. In 65 days, I'll be leaving for 5 months without anyone I know in a new country. I'll be living with people I've never met before. Only spoken to them. Everything is scarring me and exciting me all at the same time. I'll miss my friends and family but I know I'll have such a great experience. The thought of leaving everything behind for a couple of months scares me but it'll give me the opportunity to create something new with my life. Maybe I'll meet people that change my life. Maybe I'll want to go back for University. Maybe I'll go back to live there. I don't know what the future awaits but I am so damn excited! As fast as the next 2 months will go by, the 5 months afterwards will fly by. All I hope is that I appreciate every moment, everything I see and everyone I meet! I really hope this is one of the best times of my life and I hope it makes me discover a bunch of new things :)

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I am so pissed!!!!!!

So I was doing a math test during my previous block at school today and everything was going super well, it was easy and I was super relaxed. But then, when my teacher tells us we only have a minute left, I'm about to go give my test so I turn it around and see there's another question. Another motherfucking question and it was a long question. Why the fuck didn't he tell us about it? There's usually only 2 questions in that section.... And there's usually no question on the back of the last page. I want to punch him. He didn't even let me a bit more time. If I get lower than an 80, I blame him and I will be even more angry

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I need a break.

My grades have never been so low for my mid-semester report card. I am so disappointed in myself. A lot of people would be happy with my grades but me wanting to go to university, maybe and probably in the science program, I need to get at least 85% in my classes to get in any program I want. I know I can get there, I just need a small break and then I think I’ll be able to get back on track. I can’t wait for this weekend though. Saturday, I’m going to a party, I’m letting loose and getting drunk as fuck. I seriously don’t care if my parents come pick me up and I’m still drunk, I need this break. I need to just let go for one night. Just one night, that’s all I’m asking for.

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As much as I am stressed, I am ecstatic for something

Next semester I'm going to England for an exchange. I decided this approximately 7 months ago and I can't believe that it will actually happen in less than 3 months. I discovered where and who I'll be living with about 3 weeks ago. There's another exchange student, who is German and who will be living with me while I'm there. This actually makes me more relaxed because she knows what I'll be going through when I arrive and there wil be someone there to understand how I actually feel, whether I'm homesick or just simply super happy about the opportunity I'm getting. We spoke last week and she told me the host parents are really lovely. 

Plus, this exchange will give me the opportunity to really discover myself and learn tons of amazing new things. I'll meet new people, visit a new country, live on another contenant without my family or anyone I know, be more indepedant, and get a fresh start. I'll only be there for 5 months and I will make every single moment count of those 5 months. I will make sure this is the one of the best times of my life. 

2013 will be such a great year for me, I just can't wait!!!! :D

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I feel like a failure

Every year, I’ve been a straight A student, no problems at school, had motivation and actually listened in class. This year, I can barely concentrate for 5 mins, I can’t study for 30 mins without getting distracted and my grades have droped by almost 10%.

It doesn’t help that my older brothers all did really well in school. One is now an engineer, the other one is a financial officer, and the other one is now studying biochemistry and still ends up having great grades. When my parents ask me how a test went and I tell them I don’t want to talk about it or that it didn’t go well, they know I can do better so they either give me this look telling me I should do better or give me a speech about how I should study more and concentrate more in class.

All of my closest friends do super well in school. They get over 90 easily and when they get in the mid 80’s, they say how they could do much better and aren’t happy with their grade. I would be so happy if I could get their grades. They don't know how I'm actually doing this year in school, they know I'm having a harder time but they don't know how much. They know I have a hard semester, everyone knows that. Yes, having Math, Biology, Physics and Psychology all in one semester is A LOT to handle but I should be doing so much better...

I put so much pressure on myself which causes me to have mini panic attacks, and my stress level increases so much. I've had two breakdowns at school in the past two weeks. Usually, when I breakdown at school, no one usually notices and it happens like twice a year. This year, I've broke down already four times and twice people have noticed. I hate crying in school. I hate it so much. I hate getting that attention. 

I just want things to go back to the way it used to be...