I feel like I am at a point where I can write this letter to you. I don't know if this is just temporary peace of mind that I have, which is always the case with us Librarians.
I see you reaching out and I know you definitely see me reaching out(all those times I followed you were by accident I swear, ahem, drunken accidents sometimes)
I don't feel angry at you anymore. I think I was in the beginning, because of what I felt you had done to me. I really felt such relief after we broke up. I felt like I had started to live in your shadow and when we were together, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't shake it. I knew I had the potential to be great but I just couldn't do it. I really have no idea why. This time that I have had alone has really taught me alot about independence. You didn't feel like the benchmark for all my decisions. I don't know, I just felt very free.
I also learnt some new aspects of relationships. Most important being trust, I know we love each other but we really didn't trust each other. Sometimes it felt like we both had too much pride to submit fully to one another. There really was no trust. I also couldn't trust you when we weren't on an equal footing. You seemed fulfilled and I wasn't. I couldn't trust you to go out there because you seemed fulfilled and like you would take every opportunity that came your way and once again I just felt way too restricted to. I think you didn't trust me because you had seen glimmers of what a fulfilled me could look like and maybe she didn't need you.
I don't know, these thoughts are not coercive so they may not make sense.
Looking back, I think that we really had something so beautiful. You are a beautiful soul and I do still love you. Depsite what I had said earlier about no trust, we were a team and we were together and it was me and you. I know everyone else saw it and I didn't. Not till like a couple of days ago, did I realize what a team we were. Well to me of course. I have no idea what you feel.
I also want to apologise for the pain I made you feel. I felt literal chest pain in the past couple of weeks because the truth is I have been missing you. I really cannot believe that I made you feel that type of pain. I don't expect you to understand but I was really angry. I always leave really angry when we break up and because I am angry I don't want to talk. I think you know my character is not a very confrontational one and for me that not speaking to you is my way of getting back at you for all the hurt that you had caused me.
With that being said, I don't think my decision was a crazy one. You definitely hurt me a lot of times, but it dawned on me the other day that nothing is really meant to be perfect. I don't know why I set this relationship up to such impossible standards. Because my word, when you were amazing, you were amazing which was probably a majority of the time. I was just too angry and numb to let that sink in and feel the love that you gave me.
It seemed like I only allowed myself to feel the hurt and the pain. I think you probably know what all the problems were. I couldn't stand the way that you were with other girls, and I wouldn't even dare try be that way with other guys because I know that would hurt you so I didn't even ever venture into that part of myself which led to guess again? Me being angry. Right now as this moment because of the peaceful state I am in, I can't say I can think of anything really major. Oh yes, the whole you loving attention thing and the lies to everyone sometimes. It seemed like you still yearned for that high school self. And I hated your pseudo intellectual side, I would respect you more if you actually did read up on things and also didn't mind keeping it to yourself. It always seemed like anything that you did was for some or other selfish reason or to bump up your own ego. I always wished that you were secure enough in your own self and secure enough that you didn't need to share with the world how secure you were, that you just had a peaceful quiet confidence about you. I always wished that for you, I felt it might bring you a sense of peace for yourself.
Ok, I think I should stop here for now. I feel myself starting to leave my peaceful place.
I don't know why I also just couldn't fully submit to you. I do really think we could be unstoppable together. Everytime I do then I feel like I am losing my whole entire self. Granted in a relationship you do give up parts of yourself but with you it always felt like too much. And not because you didn't deserve it. I have no doubt that I could trust you in that way to look after me but just because it was too much for me. Hmmm, let me think why else? Well I won't lie, I also felt quite influenced by my friends and family, which is something I know that you hate to hear, so lets just leave that at that.
I want to say more, I just don't know what. You gave me anxiety. Me and you just felt too reckless sometimes and very unplanned, but not in a way that you appreciate later. In a way that you regret afterwards. Oh gosh, this whole letter has now turned so negative. I think I also had anxiety because I felt like things are supposed to be perfect and sunshine and roses all the time. I do think I loved you enough to be there for the bad times as well. Oh yes, another thing, you were my absolute best friend and you understood me. We were in sync and I feel I was the same for you.
However, this brings me to a very complex dichotomy that also existed. I didn't like how I was such a foundation and almost like 'everything' to you because that was a huge responsibility for me. It was a huge responsibility because it is scary when someone puts so much trust in you but this was amplified by the fact that I am always an unsure person and I know I could leave at any moment, so there was now also a sense of guilt carrying so much responsibility. Another thing was that you were supposed to be MY foundation and be stronger than me and lead me(which I only realised later that you did, and I did as well, we both were different foundations for each other, God, it was beautiful) but because of the refusal to submit I wouldn't let you be. It's just who I am though, it doesn't stem from my refusal to submit just to you, but there is no one on this earth I can rely fully on. Not even my own mother, I have serious trust issues and for the life of me, I cannot figure out where I learnt this. I really have a problem with people doing things for me, especially if I didn't ask you to do it. But, being a women, I expect you to read my mind and do things for me without me asking, however only the things that I allow you to, and this list of "things" changes on the daily. Honestly, I don't know how you dealt with that part of me.
So I don't know. Right now I cannot deal with your new life. I would have the worst anxiety having to deal with that. I do understand though that you had to deal and pick up the pieces and move on so I can't fault you for that. I know I acted like I didn't love you and frankly its annoying that you believed that. I do love you and I think I always will. You have changed so much that I sometimes think it would be impossible to merge your life and mine. I know inside myself, I just couldn't deal. I don't know, I feel quite arrogant for even thinking along those lines, as if you would want me back anyway. I just feel like these are things I want you to know. I don't know if you do know them, or maybe hearing them now will make them sink in a little more.
I do miss you, terribly so. I think what we had was so beautiful and raw and real. I was also a very depressed person a lot of the time and I wasn't able to recognize just what we had. Just know you have made an impact on my life, I will never ever forget what we had because for the most part it was good. You were my best friend and my other half. I just want to kick myself in the face when I think about the fact that I was not aware of just what was happening. I love you Marcio, you are a beautiful soul. The next girl that you love is very lucky indeed. I feel more jealous of your daughter Chelsea one day, I imagine you having more love for her than anything on the earth that has ever been loved before.
I was just thinking that I don't what the future holds for us but that't not fair. It seems like I am always saying yes and no and stop and go when it comes to me and you and I don't just want you to agree with me or not. You can decide what the future holds for you and I as well.
I don't know, I just wanted you to know what was happening in my head.
andulkaphoto
origamiaround
theartofmadeline
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
germansingergirl
