The Mess Of Me

Taking life one day at a time

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On top of the boredom the self destructive side of me also came back.

Let’s see what shenanigans we get into tonight.

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When work is so slow that you have time to have an existential crisis.

Rethinking what masters program to apply to next fall 😩

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When you’ve gotten so good at masking that people come to you and ask how you’re always this happy and what’s your secret. 😂

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I have my doctors appt tomorrow…

Will I gaslight myself and tell her I have no symptoms.

Or will I talk to her about my full list of symptoms.

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Fuck…

I slipped.

I slipped bad.

Told myself I had a hold of it. Hah. More like it has a hold on me.

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So I’m trying to sell my Dir en grey 2 VIP+hotel room package for April 11 in Anaheim, CA.

I am unable to go due due to adult and parental responsibilities 😞 (life sucks ass sometimes)

Hoping to make some money back and not have a complete loss, plus would like someone to get use out of the tickets.

Send a DM if interested and I can get you proof and connect thru different ways.

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My car is starting to…. Well old age is knocking at its door. And I really don’t want to put in any more money into her, but I really can’t afford a new car just yet 😫

I make good money.

So I don’t know how I’m still in this position.

Okay, I suck at saving. And I have the “you only live once” mentality.

I’m debating selling my Dir en grey tix…. Ugh I shouldn’t.

That’s literally a once in a life time thing now.

But what if it’s not the same. What if I’m disappointed? They obviously have aged, we all have. What if what I remember seeing isn’t what they are now. But they’re also VIP tix so meet and greet. I’d love that.

I’m struggling mentally.

Also drinking my frustrations away.

I probably should pull doubles this weekend.

Just got to fit a quiz in that’s due by Sunday night.

Fml

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I did a thing.

Do I have the PTO approved? No

Do I know how I’m getting there? Also no

But I’ll make it happen. I’m super fucking excited!!!!

It’s been years! 15 years?

Truly I didn’t think I’d get to see them ever again.

Their music honestly saved my life when I was younger.

Teenage me would be so proud right now.

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You know what’s not useful…. An anxiety attack mid day. Fuck this.

Let’s see if a clonazepam and an energy drink will counter effect the sleepiness

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Dir en Grey announces a US tour…. With 2 LA dates… only.

Guys, sweethearts, my lovely fucking assholes….. that’s to goddamn far from Chicago!

Granted I got until April to make it possibly work if the tickets don’t sell out before next Friday (when I get paid) cause I just dropped 1.2k on my car today.

Life blows.

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Ugh one of our ICU patients I actually did exams on for a few days in a row passed away, and it’s just weird you know. It sucks. He was young, even threw a few jokes even though he wasn’t doing well. And then all of a sudden, poof.

Like. Damn. He was younger than me.

Life is so unexpected.

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You can only pay for one thing

$1,890 to fix your car

$2,000 for the dental work you need

$2,300 to fix your bathroom (bathroom unusable until then)

Hmmm 🤔

🥹 I’m ok. Life will be okay. I can do this.

-internal screaming-

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Paid 1k$ in January to fix my car.

Now my engine light is on.

It doesn’t end 🥺😭

I can’t afford anything else with this car, like come on, give me a break please.

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When you don’t care but you gotta push yourself because you know you’re just hitting your low. But you still have to be a responsible adult no matter how much you don’t want. No matter how badly you want to pick up something sharp and hide in a corner.

Keep pushing.

I really don’t want to.

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Jesus Christ on a cracker

They didn’t even do shit. Kept me for 4 hours and told me I’m good.

I started feeling faint at work and then my body kind of went numb, my hands started shaking so they wheeled me into the ED

Well next time just let me be and throw some cold water on me maybe 🥲🥲

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There’s good days and bad days.

Unfortunately today has now become a bad day.

No reason, it just hit me. Like here you go, you’ve been having too many good days lately. Suck on this sour lemon for a bit.

My body itches for something. Something to hurt and make it ache more. It’s aches for pain. It itches for blood.

And here I thought I was going to sit down and study for my exam. Instead I was staring at my screen for an hour. Hopeless and uselessly wasting time.

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*screams filled of rage*

Ok

On to the rest of our day.