do you remember how in john green’s looking for alaska, the main character, miles, was in pursuit of something that a french poet referred to as “the great perhaps?” i feel like i am in this weird stage of life where the great perhaps is pursuing me and i’m hiding from it in my bedroom. i have a lot of stuff on my mind that i need to write about and don’t care to bore any of my friends with it, so to tumblr i go. i literally haven’t gotten on this site in ages. this ought to be interesting. i think, in this post, that i will break down the following subjects: PhDs, north myrtle beach, graduation, deviant behavior, and my own personal great perhaps (in no particular order).
deviant behavior: ah yes, don’t we love studying strange people? this semester, i’m taking a sociology course about deviance. we did a really cool exercise in the class recently that i haven’t been able to stop thinking about. my professor told us to sit in a big circle around the room (which i love, as it is an environment that is primed for great discussion). then she said “i want you guys to go one by one and name off something that you have to receive from other people in order to not feel deviant.” our understood definition of deviance in the class is “anything that is not normal.” so, we had to name things that we need from other humans to make us feel normal. people start naming off stuff like it’s nothing: love, communication, transparency, affection, (i said time of day) etc. and then she writes down everyone’s answers on the whiteboard. then, she puts down this piece of cardboard in the middle of the classroom that has a bunch of long strings attached all around the perimeter of it. she said “each student grab a string, and pull it tight so that the cardboard is suspended in air. let’s pretend this piece of cardboard is a person; let’s call him steve. and you guys, holding the strings, are the people in steve’s community. now, i am going to start naming off the answers you guys gave me, and when you hear your answer, i want you to drop your string.” so she starts calling out our answers, and strings are dropping left and right. finally, steve, without many strings holding him tight, falls to the floor. my professor said “this is what is happening when humans become deviant- people have stopped holding their “strings” up, and their deviant behavior is simply a response to that. so remember, when someone is rude to you, it may be because someone stopped giving them love, affection, the time of day, communication, ANYTHING that they could have been receiving before to help them not feel deviant. they may only have a couple of ‘strings’ holding them up, and it’s up to you to be patient and understanding of that, and maybe you can help pull one of those strings up again.” everyone was shook. the exercise was basically an in-depth analysis of the whole “everyone you encounter has their own story” thing that you see on social media, but the visual really made the message hit home. so, the next time you experience deviant behavior, reader, remember that it’s just a response, and perhaps a cry for help.
graduation: oh lord. i’m graduating in the spring, and that’s just insane to me. for the longest time, i had so much trouble seeing the light at the end of the collegiate tunnel. i went to a tech school for two years with no major, and i felt like i was never going to find my niche. finally, after transferring to a university, i chose the communication major, and it couldn’t be more perfect for me. i love it, so much that i have considered going to grad school to get a PhD in it, which leads me to my next topic.
PhDs: i have had two meetings with one of my professors in which we have discussed what getting a PhD straight out of undergrad looks like. Honestly, I think I could do it. I just need to make sure I can get it paid for, and also, I’d like to have my undergrad debt paid off before i make that move. in my process of PhD uncertainty-reduction, i have come upon the realization that i will probably have to move far away, like, to the midwest. i have lived in my hometown of north myrtle beach my whole life, and i still live with my parents, so to imagine that the first time i move out and experience adult things for the first time in a state that is so far away from everything i know, PLUS pursuing a PhD on top of those experiences, makes me feel like I’m inevitably going to fail. i hate that feeling, but let’s be real, it’s a lot to balance on your own.
nmb: north myrtle beach has been the city that i call home my entire life. i love this place, and have never felt the urge to move elsewhere, but there seems to be this unwritten curse that is embedded in living here. i feel like everyone i know that stays in this town for an extended period of time becomes stagnant in their life. they just keep working the same jobs and doing the same stuff and don’t seem to want to better themselves or take the next step in their lives, and then as soon as they move away, they start achieving so many freaking things and just thrive. will my attachment to this city just keep idling me for the rest of my life? will i ever pursue anything at all?
my own personal great perhaps: my job has offered me a managerial position that has the potential to become full-time with all kinds of good benefits and what-have-you. it’s in north myrtle, and it’s my favorite job in the universe. yearly raises, pays well, makes me so happy, and i’m good at it, most days. it would be dumb to not take the job right out of graduation. it would help me pay off my debt, and help get me started on moving out for the first time. hearing this offer jammed up my post-graduation plans, though, because up until i received the offer, i thought i was going to work for the national park service. and now, there’s this PhD thing bothering the absolute heck out of me, and I don’t know what to do. three doors are cracked open and i want to trial run all of them. do i stay home with a job that i love and risk becoming stagnant, do i pursue a PhD and educate the collegiate public, or do i just say f it and go work for the NPS? all of these thoughts are regularly circulating in my brain and i probably just need to pray about it and hope for the best.
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