Emotionally compromised non-binary who wants to be thin and pretty like an elf from Tolkien. I'm an emotional train wreck who is part of many fandoms, loves to travel after the fact, and hates most if not all people. Follow for fandoms, self-hate, and pretty things.
At the beginning of this school year, my senior year, I told myself I wasn’t going to make friends with any freshmen because I’m in such a different place in my life than they are. But low and behold I made with I ended up making friends with a freshman, though I didn’t know she was a freshman till after we started hanging out. So I said to myself, “Alright, fine I’m already hanging out with her what the hell, but no others.”, but I was still hesitant. See there’s a second reason I told myself I wouldn’t make friends with any freshmen. Most freshmen are immature, or at least not at the same stage of maturity that some at my point in life is/should be. This girl is in some ways more mature than a lot of freshmen, but in other ways she is very much not mature, and I did not start realizing this till we got a little farther into our “friendship”. We were not put into situations where seriousness or maturity were required until recently and when a situation like that did arise this girl acted like what I can only describe as either an immature child or a manipulative bitch. Looking back at interactions we had when seriousness/maturity were not really required she was still acting less mature than the type of people I want around me.
Anyway, so the point of all this (besides getting things off my chest) is to explain the two events that have lead me to the desire to end this “friendship”, which in my opinion was ended by her immature action. The event that got me pissed off at her immaturity and has had me looking back at her previous actions happened as follows:
A high school friend of mine made a post joking about something that happened in high school and tagged myself and three other people who were there and would understand. It was a personal post, and clearly was a personal post. I reblogged it on my other blog and commented with something that would not make sense unless you were there. The friend who originally made the post replied with something that didn’t require you to be there, but it definitely implied a huge number of background stories. I then commented with a joke about how I and my friends used to be in high school. After this this girl comments with, and I don’t entirely remember it, “XD @myotherblognamethati’mnotputtinghere is that even possible/is this true?”. This pissed me off a little because the post was clearly a personal post. I nicely asked her to remove the post.
“Could you stay out of the Gatlinburg post? It's a massive inside joke and a massive inside story and I'd rather not have people who are utter strangers to my high school friends butting into it and considering things that happened in high school in their lives that I'm not at liberty to speak about I'm sure they wouldn't want a stranger butting in either.”
Alright, I was a little blunt, but considering how pissed off, no insulted, I was I was being incredibly nice. She then proceeded to send me three responses that were a little immature considering the situation, but clearly she didn’t understand how pissed I was through my message or else I doubt she would have phrased her responses the way she did:
“Oh man :( I'm really sorry about that myname. -quietly slips out door-”
I’ll leave anyone who reads this to interpret why this is immature, but if you’re confused look towards the places where actions are described and how they are. So I was busy with homework at the time and did not get around to reading her messages to later that evening when I was in the bathroom getting ready to (finally) sleep. When I did look she had sent two more messages and I was utterly blown away and infuriated by the immaturity of them.
“I hate that I'm a horrible person that can't do anything right. I hate that my body is weak enough that I'm sick and destroying my friendships. I hate that I possibly fucked up three or four reall good friendships because I'm stupid, weak and a horrible friend. I'm so used to being able to shut people out and I let them in and now I just feel raw. I fucked up with you, I fucked up with my two best friends, and one of my other friends and now I'm just raw.”
“Sorry. You can just ignore that rant if you want. Sorry for bothering you. Night (for real this time)”
Where do I begin to explain how immature it is? In different situation this would be fine, but in this situation, where I was the one who sent that initial request, it’s manipulative. It makes it seem like I should be the one saying sorry, like I should be apologizing for reacting harshly to her when she was and still is the person who is in the wrong. Furthermore why send something like this if you are clearly going to regret it? That in and of itself is immaturity. Sure, I write things to people that can be interpreted as cruel, abusive, and rude, but I delete them. Things like that, if you’re mature at least, you write for yourself to get out your feelings then you delete them and compose an appropriate response.
Reading those two messages in the bathroom made my lip curl in disgust. Frankly I’m still disgusted enough that I can barely put my thoughts into words. So I will save myself the grief and not try.
But anyway, I had said that this made me think back to some of her other actions. Well, the things that popped up first in my mine was this time we went to a campus grocery store/take out place for food. We arrived at the registrar and she put her things down. The cashier rang them up and asked her if that would be all. To my shock she said “Oh we’re together.” I was taken aback at this. When we had decided to go to this store we had not said “alright I will pay for your things as well as my own because I have a lot of Dining Dollars that I need to get rid of” in any way, shape, or form. Put on the spot I agreed to pay for her things but while in the cashier was ringing up my things I said “When did we agree on that?” This girl proceeded to say “Well you’ve paid for me before when we came here so I figured you’d pay this time.” Yes, this may be true, but both of those other times I offered to pay. This time I did not. To assume someone, who isn’t a parent, is going to pay for you is immensely immature and she was incredibly lucky I had enough Dining Dollars left - I’m running out.
There were other instances where she acted immature, but I won’t talk about them today.
So the day after, she texted me asking if I wanted to get food.
“Hey...Are you free to grab lunch at 12:30?? Dininghallname? If not it’s fine.”
Perhaps it is just the way I’m reading it, but the start of this text feels like she is hesitant, like she isn’t sure if she should be contacting me because at the time I had not messaged her back about her little immature rant - I still haven’t. Considering what had just happened the previous night a more mature person would either wait for my response to the issue before casually asking about lunch, or broach the previous night’s subject and see if things between us are alright. I was still, and am still, pissed at this girl so my response was purposely short and curt:
“I’m already getting food with friendname”
Later that night she messaged me again. I still had not contacted her about our little issue or about anything else since her lunch request. Now I really should have said something by then, but I’m not the best at finding the right words when I am pissed at a person. Part of the reason I am writing things here is so I can work out my feelings in order to nicely tell her to get the hell out of my life.
“Do you want to get dinner tomorrow at say 6:30?”
My response was true and is still true - I really don’t have the time to be writing this post, but I really need to get things off my chest. Anyway, my response was true and as short and rude as I could make it in a (frankly immature) hope that she would realize “Hey something is wrong here. I think my ‘friend’ is still angry at me. Maybe I should back off and give them space or ask if something is wrong.”
“I’ve got a lot of work tonight so I’m probably not going to be eating. Gotta get though a bunch of research this week so I can see whether or not I need to change research.”
It says tonight but I meant to write tomorrow. I was distracted by my work and irritation. Her response was a measly “Ok”. I did not contact her further that day. Perhaps she was getting the cold-shoulder message. I hoped she was and I would have space to formulate a response to the initial issue. But nope. She did not. Yesterday at 00:31 she sent me this message:
“Is the offer for tea still up? Cause my throat is going to kill me. Is there any time after five I can stop by? Or are you researching.”
She sent me this message both on tumblr and as a text. Now she probably did not remember that I was going to be doing research all week, but considering she even remembered the research she just might have. In which case asking “or are you researching?” sounds incredibly rude and condescending. I have not spoken to this girl, sought out her companionship, or reached out to her in anyway unless she has done the contacting, and even then I have been blunt and purposely attempted to shut down any conversations.
My response was a blunt “I won’t be on campus” to which I got an “Ok”. More of the same, cold treatment should indicate that something is wrong. She did not pick up on that. Now yes I should have said something, but again I could not and still cannot find the right words. Is she perhaps socially awkward? Yes she is. Does that excuse this? No. In all honestly I am right now losing my ability to form coherent, logical arguments because of how pissed I am.
There is another instance I want to talk about but that will be a separate post for a later date.
Originally posted by Lupa at A Sense of Natural Wonder
I don’t do a lot of praying; I tend to do more acting, being and observing. But occasionally I want to take a moment to appreciate something that I have, so I send out a prayer of gratitude. There’s one that I wrote years ago that I say every night before I go to sleep:
Thank you to all of those who have given me this day,
All those who have given of themselves
To feed me
Clothe me
Shelter me
Protect me
Teach me
And heal me.
May I learn to be as generous as you.
When I wrote it as a newbie pagan, I felt that I’d mostly covered the bases on what others (human and otherwise) gave to me so I could go on living each day. Now that I’m older I could think of other actions in addition to feeding or teaching, but I love the flow of this prayer as it is. It’s like an old story–Italian, I think?–in which a man comes across a group of little fey ladies coming out of a hill, singing “Saturday, Sunday and Monday”. The man then sings out “and Tuesday!” and the ladies curse him because he ruined the cadence of their song. Sure, I could add another line or two, but it’s currently perfect in its rhythm and timing for getting me back into touch with all those who have contributed to me getting another day on this Earth.
I’m less naive than when I first wrote it, though. Take the line “To feed me”, for example. Back then I was thinking of the people who helped bring food to my table, from farmers to grocers to my own family. As I got older, I not only thought more about the plants, animals, fungi and other living beings involved in the complex food creation and distribution systems, but also the people who were more behind the scenes and often neglected: migrant farm workers, slaughterhouse employees, late-night cardboard box factory employees. And I thought of those ecosystems that were polluted by industrial fertilizers or torn down to make room for one more monocropped wheat field (even if it was organically grown).
So the whole prayer is a reminder to me that I am part of an incredibly complex web of connections, most of which I will never personally observe, but which I have an effect on in my everyday life. And it’s why the last line is bittersweet. I can never be as generous as a pig killed in a slaughterhouse for pork chops, and I will never know the experience of working fourteen hour days in a strawberry field under the hot summer sun, underpaid and worried about deportation. But I can at least give back in awareness, education, and trying to make better choices–like growing my own food when I’m able to, supporting fair trade practices and organic farming where I can afford it, and reminding others–even through this simple prayer–that nothing is as simple as “thank you”.
Did you enjoy this post? Consider picking up a copy of my newest book,Nature Spirituality From the Ground Up, which encourages the reader to be more aware of their bioregion and all the beings they share it with.
Method For Cleansing and Repelling Negative Energy From the Home and Body.
I have met are people who have collected so much negative energy that it is affecting the outcome of every new thing they try to do. One bad thing happened and some negative energy collected. Another bad thing happened. More negative energy collected. And so on and so on and so on, until now so much negative energy has collected that it is almost its own entity causing chaos.
These are the kinds of situations that create poltergeists. Poltergeists are not actually ghosts or entities of their own origins. They are created by people under serious stress, trauma, or grief. Such people are usually psychically sensitive in some way, even if it’s just a little bit. And in those cases, if a poltergeist has begun to form, eventually it can become intelligent and behave like its own entity. It can develop its own consciousness. And then it has to feed off of more chaos, which creates a vicious cycle. I’m not saying for certain that this is what’s happening with everybody because every situation is different but a buildup of negative energy is indeed very common.
The first thing I want you to do is cleanse your home and person. It will cling to you in a very physical form. Sometimes it will feel like spiderwebs on your skin when there are no spiderwebs present. Sometimes it will feel like tingling as if your arm or your leg has gone to sleep but it hasn’t. If a poltergeist has actually started form, you may feel watched occasionally, but it’s probably not a conscious thing yet. So this is why cleansing your home and your person is important first. It’s meant to wash away the negative energy that has accumulated on your spirit.
For this ritual, first you want to take a complete shower. I mean a real shower. Don’t just go through the motions. As you are washing your body, you need to focus on the washcloth, sponge, loofah, whatever, literally washing away all accumulated negative energy from your body the same way you wash away dirt. As you are doing this, remind yourself that you are in control. You can overcome any emotional trauma and upheaval in your family.
The next step is to physically clean your living space. This is a metaphorical thing just like taking a shower and washing away the negative energy. In your living space, you need to clean out all unnecessary clutter. If you haven’t used an object in more than six months and it has no emotional value, get rid of it. You want to see clean and open surfaces. Don’t have a bunch of stuff cluttering your tables and shelves. Pretend like you are redecorating into a minimalist style. Then you want to physically spray down your furniture, wipe it down, get rid of dust, get rid of anything that shouldn’t be there. Do it to your appliances. Do it to your sinks, bathtubs, toilets, everything. It’s really important to make sure your windows and doors are just as clean because they are the entrances to your living space. As you are cleaning out your home, you need to, again, verbally say that you are in control of your space, this is your space, and no entities or energies are welcome unless they are positive and light.
The final step is to go through your living space and your property with a mixture of three parts water to one part salt. This represents human life. It is the life against darkness, so to speak. Sprinkle it in all of your doorways, windows, the four corners of each room, the cardinal directions, and anywhere that might have hidden bad energy. Declare your space, declare your home, declare your intentions for a prosperous life.
And then you want to go over all of that again with burning sage if you have ties to Native American culture like I do. Burn it anywhere, again, where that energy might possibly hide. If you’re not Native American at all, burning sage may be considered cultural appropriation, so you can skip that step. Replace sage with creating boundaries around your home and property line with a mixture of black salt and crushed eggshells - both of which have cleansing and protection properties.
Doing all of this is going to be repetitive. At first you will need to do it as much as possible. I recommend every day for at least a week. Then you can cut down to twice a week. Then once a week. It’s not going to be an overnight fix but it is the best way to get rid of all accumulated negative energy. Every time you walk around your house crying or have a fight with a relative or anything else like that, it leaves an imprint where it happened. And if you are not able to move on from whatever made those things happen, it takes root like a plant and it stays there. So that’s why it’s so important to clean out all of this bad energy. Going through the actions will help you psychologically clean out the bad stuff as well.
