Looking for trouble? Youโve found the right place!
This is a blog that is best read with the thought in mind that this is a written representation of the mind of a DID system. We switch fluidly and have conversations in our mind, and this is reflected in our posts. Many different alters write on this blog, and so, there will be a lot of differing viewpoints that contradict each other. As is the nature of having DID.
It might be weird to read at first, but this way of writing really is natural to us. It isnโt scripted and it isnโt forced. Itโs our natural flow of thought. Please respect that! We share our conversations for fun, and also, maybe, to show others that it's okay to be yourselves! We hope that maybe they'll be informative in some aspect!
I'm assuming you have a good understanding of DID if youโve found yourself here, so Iโll now explain my way of living with it.
My viewpoint differs from many professionals (which I am not!), I do not see my DID as wrong or as something that needs to be subdued. I switch in my day to day life, and I do so comfortably, I remain functional, and I live without a host. We are a hostless system, and have been for a number of years. Weโre quite happy that way! Itโs taken some work to keep organised, but itโs been worth it in my opinion.
Weโre an introject-heavy system, but werenโt so originally. The majority of the system mates running this blog are factual introjects. This means theyโve based their identities around real people. Itโs very real to them. I know how it looks, but weโre very connected to those identities on a personal level. It goes deeper than personality traits or appearance. We live wanting to embody their mannerisms, their way of life, learn the languages they speak, and so on. Our personal trauma stories are looked through a narrative lens, and we lean heavily on that.
For example, rather than saying โI was sexually abused as a child and was made to perform for themโ, I say, โI am an idol. I love my fans. Iโve been through various hardships, but I love my job.โ
Please very much respect the fact that it isnโt roleplay and it is a real way we think of ourselves and our experiences. Our trauma memories are repressed deep, so we developed our identities with these stories to process the memories in a more indirect way that doesnโt involve directly remembering. Weโve been able to make sense of our experiences this way and are slowly putting the pieces together. Be kind. Consider it an allegory.
Onto the lighter stuff. My name is ะฒฮฑัะบะฝัฯ ฮท, and Iโm the one writing this post. Iโm an introject of ัฯฯ'ั ะฒฮฑัะบะฝัฯ ฮท. I know how it looks! I know how it looks! Itโs not normal! But it makes sense to me!!
Our body is 30 years old as of writing, and born female. Most of us identify as men, but weโre forced to present as a woman in daily life. We do tread the line though.
I donโt know our system count, and I donโt think I ever will. Probably well into the double digits. But many of our alters lie dormant.
Our system is polyfragmented, and divided into complex layers and groups. The active layer right now is a deeper layer, and so thatโs why weโre themed around idols and internet celebrities. In our system, our groupings tend to follow themes. Itโs something that makes sense to us, it shows which alters belong together and carry the same sorts of trauma.
I live outside of the US. Therapy is not free here, even with insurance. I undertook therapy paid out of my own pocket for around 4 years. I saw myself at a standstill and mentally in a very bad place, so I left. Since then, my system has been slowly uncovering itself and feeling safe to reveal more about themselves. I see no reason to stop my self-treatment at this stage, I have a really good understanding of how to work with my system mates and help unpack all the beliefs they carry from childhood.
Switched. Real people run this blog. Remember that.
Keeping it real. More people have introjects than you think. Lets end the idea that itโs a fake thing. So many people have them and hide them out of shame for how theyโll be received. We do none of that here.
How we view our DID and system doesnโt affect you. Try to have some tolerance. We think the way we do for a reason. It isnโt anyoneโs concern but ours how we run our system.
Constant lashing out. That's my life. I'll feel like I had a win today, then some guy will come along, and I'll have to spend hours arguing with him.
Bianca is a common topic. He told me that the $500 dollars I donated wasn't enough, and that I should be a good person and donate her the full $2000 for her computer. It feels... devaluing of my charity that $500 dollars apparently wasn't good enough. I'm not even in her life anymore. I was basically forced to donate by him. I barely got a choice! He guilted me into it. He keeps bringing up how I did her wrong, and what an awful life and upbringing she had, and that I owed it to her to do this.
He makes me out to be the complete bad guy, like I never gave her a chance, I never heard her out, that I was unreasonable. I feel so... offended.
How do I even live with this? All he cares about is me reconnecting with someone who has clearly moved on and doesn't really want me in their life.
He also went on about how he hated women, that I never achieved anything in life, that I never had any of the qualities he wanted me to have as a child. He told me I should help men by letting them have sex with me.
He thinks it's wrong I'm not aspiring to get married. He has no sense of the fact that I have free will and can live my life how I want.
He's mad that I live life the way I do and disapproves of me as a person. He hates me. He wishes I was never born. He never wanted a girl. But he also cares enough to tell me how I should be living my life.
Why is marriage the be all and end all? Why does being a good Christian even matter? Why should I give up kpโp because it'd "make my boyfriend feel bad about himself".
โLike really?
Anyway. I think I gave Bianca the chance to say she wanted me in her life again. I gave her the offer to exchange socials again and talk. She didn't take it. What else can I do?
He doesn't even want me... liking anime. He's so controlling. Even liking anime is wrong to him. I should exist only for other people now, apparently. He sees nothing of worth in kpโp. He thinks Bianca should have everything she wants given to her.
It's weird, because she's clearly moved on. Why is he pressuring me so much about it? She's moved on. We should move on too.
Not Everything can be Chalked Down to "Agree to Disagree"
Conversation below contains some heavy discussion on different belief systems, and how it leads to clashing, you might want to skip this if you're sensitive to the following topics:
veganism, religion.
Our past friend Rosie used to get mad at us for certain things because she's a hardcore vegan.
I think a part of us internalised it and that's why we've had a voice the last few months nagging us about becoming a vegan.
I think I have introjects of the two friends who were the most critical of me. They weirdly have things in common. Veganism. Christianity. Being really defensive during difficult conversations. Completely villainizing me rather than admitting their mistakes.
The vegan thing has been a recurring thing in my mind for months. A guy in my head keeps demanding I go vegan and says "How am I meant to live with you and share meals with you if you aren't vegan? You should do this for me!"
And it's sort of awkward, because... I have no plans to go and live with anyone.... I don't even have anyone in my life right now! Lol
It feels a bit sticky, because her veganism even extends to things like video games. If you play a video game about running a space aquarium, for example, she bristles.
If you eat honey, she says it's bad and hurts the bees. (It doesn't).
You go to the aquarium, and she's secretly really mad at you. (And you can feel it, even if she acts like it's fine).
It's hard when a friend has really hardcore views, and you kind of disagree with them. You believe in animal welfare, but you also believe in animal conversation and rescuing animals from the wild who need help. It's hard to say all captivity is wrong, when there are cases that species have been saved from extinction through breeding programs in captivity.
You know. I really think it's an issue that can be resolved through a civil discussion. But both parties have to be willing to listen, and have to be open to listening to the other side's point of view without immediately shutting them down or closing your mind off from what they're saying.
There's a difference between letting a person speak, and giving their words some consideration, and letting them speak, only to immediately launch into your counterargument, completely disregarding what they said entirely. Very big difference, in my opinion.
Life is hard. It's hard to get through life without having some difficult conversations, I think. You should try to be more understanding of your friend's culture.
Her culture?
I think it can be a cultural thing, to believe in veganism and seeing respecting animals as really important. Seeing nature as something not for us, but something we need to be more in touch with as humanity, and not consider other living things are there for us.
In a zoo, you're treating the animals like they're there just for your amusement, and that's wrong. Their life has value. Just as much value as ours, and there should be no place in the world that treats them like they merely live for us and nothing else.
I see it differently. I wonder why you'd bring that philosophy up when neither of Concord's friends subscribe to Buddhist philosophies. They're both extreme Christians. Very different scenarios. Christianity is very much not a religion that teaches people these things about the environment and the world. You read the bible and you see a very clear disregard for living things. Very clear disregard! I hate it, actually. Love, kindness, forgiveness, total baloney!
We have to forgive others, but God cannot forgive over such tiny grievances! He lets his wrath come down on anyone he likes!
We have to be kind, but also, men are superior to women, and we are reminded of that fact!
You have the sacrificial lamb. A poor tiny lamb, that God demands be sacrificed to him! Why? Simply because that's what he says to do!
Life is complicated, but religion is not. It serves man and man only. They teach you things that are beneficial to them, and not what makes you a more moral citizen!
You want to say veganism is more moral? Well, look at your bible! It says otherwise! Choose a new religion, Rosie.
I see your point.
I do not see how Concord is helping others by being an anti-preacher, however. Does it help anyone to have someone do what is essentially the complete opposite of proselytizing? When someone harps on about how the end is coming and Jesus will be your salvation, you drone them out and don't listen to a word they say.
I think when someone aggressively goes on about how your religion is bad, it's the same thing. The absolute same thing, in my opinion. It's hard to listen to them at all.
Okay. I guess you have a right to still believe in it. But I also have a right to express my dissent. It doesn't affect you if I decide to do that.
Concord. You have to realise that Bianca is a staunch evangelist. Even the slightest criticism of religion is a crime to her. You cannot reason with her unless she herself decides to start questioning it.
She's not even my friend anymore! Why should it matter what I write on my blog about religion! She shouldn't even be reading it!
You have factual introjects not just of celebrities, like you originally thought, but also of various people in your life who caused you emotional distress and harm.
It started in childhood at age five, with the girl you considered a best friend who turned around and started being mean to you.
You have memories of pretending this "other version of her" in your head was standing next to you. You didn't physically see her or anything, but you liked to pretend she was right next to you, as if she was physically your friend spending time with you, and not just a voice in your head imitating your friend.
You told your mother this information?
And she just ignored you!
Well then. Clearly your DID showed up at a young age. A very young age.
I guess that's it then. Your fake friends in your head need to be shown that while we'll respect their views, we won't change our views for them. They have to learn to be tolerant, or at the very least, keep quiet about them. I will not cease my denouncement of Christianity simply because it makes you mad.
It would be my advice that you try to be more gentle with them about this subject. It really would be wise to be less combative with them about it. Letting go of such strong beliefs is really hard. It can take years to get people to question them.
Anyway. You live a life outside of talking to yourself. You should do something fun to show yourself that bad times is not all we have! It's important to set aside time for fun! It shows them it's not meant to be all misery all the time.
Summary: we discussed different belief systems, like veganism and Christianity, and how it's easy to be against each other when there's differences of opinion. This results in conflicts that easily escalate into something bigger than it had to be.
A form of black and white thinking. Perhaps also a lack of tolerance for mindsets that are different from yours. Many people fall into the rabbithole of "I believe this, and anyone I see as challenging that belief is automatically bad."
Life has a way of telling you that you need to be more understanding of others who think different things to you. You have to be willing to have a conversation without blowing up on them or demanding they change their ways.
I think you have some tolerance, but you have a tendency towards snap judgements on people's morals according to what they believe in. Your conflict with your mother's political views is a good example of that. She believes in the enemy party, so she's wrong! She's clearly an awful person! That's how you feel. It's a little condescending. And it's also a little bleak to think anyone who thinks or does a certain thing is irredeemable.
Anyway, that's the wrap up of that particular conversation.
My thoughts are different on that matter. You have to understand that when it comes to political views, certain views really can be harmful and cause real harm to minorities out there. There's a limit to tolerance, when it comes to certain things, in my opinion.
Anyway. It's still an example of what I was talking about. Vegans can tend to think "Everyone who isn't vegan is less moral than me, what horrible people! They're turning a blind eye to all this suffering!"
I guess that's true.
You know. We should talk about the Christian example instead.
I'm actually tired. Nevermind. I think that's something we can ruminate on later.
Lets have some fun now!
I feel unmoved by this conversation.
Really unmoved.
You have to understand that everyone thinks differently.
I hate how this conversation ended up. I really do.
I'm not of the belief that your friend is all that mentally well. That's all I'll say. They lack any accountability, and very little reasoning. I don't feel safe recontacting them again.
Real subtle. Only fried chicken! We're stressing about our weight, and yet you send us the craving for fried chicken! "I want my happy place!! ๐ซ" You crybaby! Right your wrongs! Eat something lighter!
The grease! The amount of grease in that chicken is sickening!
So hard to get through to these men! Stop eating fried chicken! Please! Weird choice! Live a little and have something else!
Too greasy! Seriously too greasy! Come on!!
But.... ๐ญ The internet sees it as endearing!
Let me eat some fried chicken!
A daily occurrance is no good. But once every few weeks or so is totally fine.
I will get my fried chicken even if the rest of you disapprove...! ๐ค
Pushing ahead. Keep pushing ahead. Even when the brain fog sets in, you keep pushing. Never stop pushing.
You've lived like that for years. Continue to push. Push. Push. Push.
Never stop to breathe.
When you really want to say something, you say it. Even knowing you'll be punished for it later by the overzealous angel authority in your head.
An authority of angels. They inflict harm. They hardly know better. But by God, are they brutal! They're relentless. They never stop to think about what they're inflicting. They act on pure instinct alone.
That's my internal experience.
Tireless, is this work of unpacking my system's trauma. So tireless. I get no sleep. I go to work. I do self-therapy. Rinse and repeat. Life's been hard for a really long time.
I think about my first therapist, and I wonder why I stuck with them for so long. I know why I did, but God! What a waste of time! What did I get out of that? Next to nothing, I'll tell you! She almost decided to completely send me into the schizo rabbit hole. 'No programming here. It's all schizophrenia, total conspiracy theory, pure delusion...'
Systems as therapists. Let me tell you. It sounds like a dream, but it honestly isn't. Systems as therapists! You know what that means! You know what that means! We trigger each other! No-one wins! They decide to invalidate me because they're still in denial themself! Therapeutic dishonesty! "I've overcome my trauma." Like hell you have! Like hell!
Therapy is a sham. I've decided I can heal myself. I've already broken into the angel layer. We've been slowly working through what happened to us using fiction and imagined experiences. I can't tell them I was a victim of child porn, but I can tell them other things! I'm actually fine on my own. Through this whole process, I've learned, I only ever have myself to rely on.
See! Even just writing that causes a child to panic! I know you're scared, young me, but I promise, no-one and I mean, no-one is reading this blog except me. Not a single follower! Look at that! It's totally safe to admit that here.
Okay, you think I could be wrong and lying. I guess I could be. Why I would be, I don't know, but I guess I could be.
I never finished my thought...
You can tell them... through story... what happened to you. Here's an example of how I do it:
Life as an idol in Korea is not what it seems.
On the surface, you see someone who has a lot going for him. Masses of fans. Plenty of money. Glamorous lifestyle. You look at the ones that made it and think, 'Well, they hit the jackpot, didn't they? How lucky.'
You don't see what's underneath all that.
People see what's on the surface, a seemingly ideal, perfect life where nothing is going wrong whatsoever. Underneath, there's a lot more going on that's kept hidden from the public.
You peel back the layers, and you realise that it's all a perfect lie.
Hoping things get better next season. Constantly holding out for things to get better next season. It's a constant push.
Holding out hope, to finally make it to the point that all this pushing can finally pay off, can finally ease back. Holding out hope for an end to it all.
That was my experience with therapy, told through the lens of a hardworking idol's life.
There's a deeper story than just that. But the main point today is the idea that I live a life everyone envies. Everyone looks at me and thinks 'You have it pretty easy. You have it good. Your life can't be that bad'.
They look on the outside and see someone living a very comfortable life. It isn't like that. In reality, there was a lot of hard work and struggle going on week after week. Constant flashbacks. Sleepless nights. Living in fear. Odd things happening in my life, like home break ins. Triggers appearing constantly around me, never giving me room to breathe. Being constantly at odds with myself โ I'm safe, but I'm not.
Battling with the self-punishing parts of myself... "We have to do this. We have to do this. They're going to come back for us! They'll know what we've done!"
The terrible thing in question that I've done: the act of acknowledging in my own mind what's happened to me. Acknowledging the mere surface level of my internal experience. Telling my therapist in therapy the things I want therapy for.
Yes. How dare I... ๐ How dare I do that.
They surely know what I'm thinking at all times and will come to punish me now... ๐
Protecting the abusers. Not protecting us. Protecting their hides. That's what we did for so long.
We lived like that, all while portraying a normal image to those outside. They never knew a thing.
Never told them about the break ins. Never told them about our gaslighting therapist. Never told them about our neighbours and their frequent, loud arguments. Never told them about people following behind us in our car.
We never told them about the crippling fear we felt at night, thinking this was it, the abuser was going to come for us. He knows that we've found out. He knows that we've told.
He didn't.
Not even a little bit.
That man is long, long gone.
Life is tough. Never in a million years did I think I'd end up with this sort of life.
Totally normal on the surface. Something totally grim underneath.
Below: alter conversation about past friendships falling out, how we ended it badly, and the different perspectives on that.
Lesson learned: not every ending is clean and neatly resolved. Sometimes finding closure comes from within yourself.
You never called. You never texted. You never found the time to talk outside of meet ups. You might as well have stopped going to those too. You were so distant.
๐ I understand, Rosie. You never felt like I was putting in enough effort. I was never the first to reach out.
I get it, but...
I needed a friend. I really needed a friend. My home life was bad, and I really needed my friends there for me then. You left and it all blew up. It was sad. And it made me really angry at you.
I never thought you'd do something like that. I felt really betrayed.
๐ I understand, Rosie.
๐ชญ I lost it when someone close to me left the group without saying goodbye. I felt so mad at him.
It was never about that.
It was about the way you acted. More than anything else.
๐ชญ It was... almost two years ago now. In a month it'll have been two years ago that I left you.
A lot of psych work has been done in that time. I feel differently about myself and how I'd handle certain situations. I also feel like we're less triggered than we used to be. We've made some moves towards recovery. The alters that left you back then aren't the same alters who work and live this life now.
I honestly feel that. I feel that so hard. You've done so much work! You should be proud of how far you've come! I mean it.
But at the same time, your body still did that and you need to stop disowning the fact that it "wasn't you" that did all those things to your friends.
It was an older version of you, but it was still you.
๐ชญ The alters active back then... Jake, Andrew, Abel... they cared about one thing and one thing only... keeping the trauma hidden. We've stopped doing that, and have actually started confronting it and working through our emotional issues, so I don't think it's the same anymore. If I were to talk to people now, I'd react totally differently, I wouldn't be avoidant of talking about certain things, and my first response to anything challenging wouldn't be to freeze up and say nothing.
That's part of the problem! You always said nothing. Then you'd blow up about it later!
You could never have a conversation about anything that triggered you without blowing up.
๐ Here's a question to you.
Were you not basically the same way?
I honestly feel like you too got super defensive and always reacted in a combative way. The reason she blew up in the first place was because she always had to fight to be listened to. Everyone basically always shut her down, so she grew increasingly frustrated, even when her attempts to communicate were calm and polite.
๐ I guess I felt ...
I don't know. I don't know why she reacted that way. I'm not actually her! But I felt like she probably felt ...
I just feel like we did everything wrong!
๐ชญ Maybe you need to learn that some people do you wrong, and that you shouldn't take the blame for it.
Life goes on. People change.
Yes, Rosie's life was honestly really hard and horrific, but. It doesn't mean we need to look the other way...
๐ I guess I felt like I was the one to blame, and not them.
They all left me. I might have made the first step away. But they never tried to reach out to resolve anything. I never felt like they cared less in that moment of my life.
I wanted them to ask me to stay! I wanted them to reach out! They didn't even bother! They immediately got mad and never even asked how I felt! They spoke to me through my other friend and totally villainized me.
๐ How did it feel to know they cared less than you thought they did?
๐ It felt really bad! I thought we were closer than we used to be. I felt good about our friendship. I felt more connected to them when we met up and felt more myself.
But they told me that they felt like they didn't even know me. They told me that they wouldn't be able to list off a single thing they knew about me as a person. It felt bad. She said, "Are we even friends?"
I felt that way because I felt like you never told us a lot about yourself. I just wanted you to open up more and be less ...
๐ I felt like I was talking more and being less shy. I really felt like I'd made strides socially and was doing better to feel more connected. It really hit my confidence to be told that it was only me that felt that way. I used to barely talk. I really felt like I was doing better!
I never really knew you to begin with. That's how I felt about you.
๐ Never really knew you, huh? That's cold. Considering how long we knew each other.
I felt like I was the one ostracized in the group dynamic. You loved to bully me. And yet, as adults we remained friends. It created a weird divide in my mind, and I saw the you as adults and the you as teenagers as totally different people. They treated me a totally different way. So those two periods of time became totally separated in my mind.
It was a protective instinct, to separate the different sides of a person who treats you poorly in your mind. You have one part of your mind only remember the good times. Then another part keeps the bad times away from all the others.
That was what happened. I was at odds with myself. My friends are different now, but they used to treat me bad, and I still carry the pain.
I saw it as... the pain had to be buried inside. It was hard to acknowledge it when I had to remain friends with them, and see them as different people now.
Another alter crept in. But it felt like mostly me writing this. Parts of it were definitely: ๐
Anyway. I think that's all we can unpack for today. Please come back another day.
โ๏ธโ๐ฅ Another aspect, in my opinion, was that our trauma... our programming, made it impossible to talk about certain subjects. I had a fear of punishment wired into me.
It's hard to really hold it against... them, when I know they acted and reacted that way because they literally had no way to speak up.
Can you really put all the blame on them, considering the circumstances? Them meaning... the us that isn't the current us. Them, the alters back then.
๐ That really is all we have time for. But you have a point. Are we really solely to blame?
๐ I find it hard to believe so.
I never thought of that side of the subject. I was only focusing on the way you reacted and conducted yourself, to be honest.
I never thought of that layer to the issue. It makes it a lot more complicated to place the blame when we think... well, our friends were just desperate for us to speak up and connect. But from our perspective, our trauma was deep enough that what we had currently was a deeper connection than we ever had.
The silencing mechanisms and the deep level of fear was still in place, and it felt impossible to talk about anything more than we currently were.
๐ชญ I personally think they have some real nerve.
She outright told you she wanted you to talk about your trauma, in the form of an emotional outburst.
Then no-one talked about it afterwards and pretended it never happened!
Really. The nerve.
I really am sorry for how I've pushed you like this to reconnect with her. With all of them.
They had a hand in the friendship ending too. I'm sorry for putting the blame all on you.
It was a complex issue with no real source of blame.
I'm sorry. I'll drop it now. Pretending we can reconnect after two years is a little foolish. I didn't realise that much time had passed, to be honest with you.
I'm not your friend. Just a bystander that wanted you to take accountability. But I can see it was a more layered issue than I was originally seeing.
I was seeing a limited perspective. A clouded recount.
Jokes on you! I'm a veteran user of this accursed website!!
I will say one thing. My blog is not for everyone. A lot of people may scoff at it. "Argh! All introjects! You faker!!"
I know it looks that way. And I feel absolutely unashamed of my masses of introjects, because you know what?
โDone new about. Forget it.
Hey! What should I care for? I wanna write my version. Not ๐๐๐๐ค๐กโฌ๐ง's polished version!
โHe did an excellent job. Don't ruin the vibe.
Ruin the vibe! Hang on! I am putting it out there before they can start hating on me! Let me finish!
An introject is not a side character. It seems like people have a habit of thinking of it as 'the real alters' and then 'the introjects over there.' That's not it!
My alters were malformed.
The trauma holders stayed completely segregated for a long time. They weren't dormant, they had some half form of consciousness. But they had no communication. They had a poor understanding of what they were. They lived thinking 'I'm meant for this one specific purpose, and that only', and they saw themselves as so separate from 'the body' that they thought they were simply a guiding force looking over us, and not a part of our psyche.
These malformed alters lived on the angel layer, in Heaven, and that was quite literal. There was the surface world, there was the alters down below in Hell, and then the alters up in the sky in Heaven. Then there were the alters up in space in a spacecraft. High, high degrees of separation.
Our angel alters saw the light.
โPretend we were never angels! We intend to put those roles behind us! I love my new self! I don't like what I used to be!
I know that ๐๐๐๐ค. But this is only to explain why we took form the way we did.
โI really can't do this! Please just leave it there!
Okay. We won't get into specifics. But these angel alters served a bad cause. They served a bad man who declared himself the absolute authority over us. They lived to carry out his will, thinking they were angels carrying out God's will. And they thought that... completely and utterly. They defined themselves by their role as angels, and did not recognise themselves to be alters in any respect. They actually thought they were angels of God.
Their original purpose as loving protectors was perverted. So they took on new forms that better suited what they were meant to be. That's the reason for them being musicians.
Andrew, our previous gatekeeper, was extremely disciplined about what he ate and what he didn't.
He made no exceptions.
Revolting that I've gained so much weight in his absense. I feel genuinely revolted with myself and my body.
I first arrived and it was like... this isn't my life! I can do what I want! I can eat what I want! I'm just borrowing this body anyway and will go back to my real body soon, so lets eat all the things I wouldn't be allowed to eat!
Food. Food. Food.
I hate myself for eating all that food...
"Oh, I think we deserve a little treat, we're had a hard week emotionally..."
Week after week I said that. And the weight piled up. I watched the weight creep up on the scales every day. Sometimes I even weighed myself twice a day. I'd think, 'Ugh... I know exactly what that was...' when the number was higher.
I need to go off all the things I reintroduced back into my diet when I was delighting in my newfound freedom. Because there is no going back to my old body like I first thought! The real me is out there living his life! And I'm just here, doing nothing, thinking my existence here is temporary.
๐๐ฎ๐ง๐ ๐คโฌ๐ค and ๐โต๐ ๐, they were the first offenders. What was the first thing ๐โต๐ ๐ did when he went into the outside world for the first time? He went and ordered a burger! He told us, "I only eat this when I'm carb loading." He did not take out the tomatos, as others in the system typically would, and he ate it with real cheese.
Then came the masses of fast food. I'm really ashamed! I used to be so disciplined in my youth! I really did! I wish I was in Japan and could have an onigiri every day! I wish I had more control over my own meals, and could comfortably skip them without someone asking questions or another system member later having a snack.
We switch fluidly. And that means we were switching between ๐๐๐๐ค๐กโฌ๐ง and ๐๐ฆ๐๐ญ๐ฌโพ๐ค๐ข while writing this. ๐๐ฆ๐๐ญ๐ฌโพ๐ค๐ข worries less about his weight than ๐๐๐๐ค๐กโฌ๐ง. And I know that to be a fact. ๐๐๐๐ค๐กโฌ๐ง pays more attention to the scales. He never misses a day. He sees every micro weight gain as a failure.
๐๐ฆ๐๐ญ๐ฌโพ๐ค๐ข is just... healthily concerned with his weight. If anything, he's more concerned with liberating himself from his menial office job. To the point of absolute desperation. He can't take it anymore! He wants out right now!!
We keep telling ourselves... "Ugh, I gotta hit the gym... I need to find time to work out..."
And yet, we don't.
We might need a new emotional outlet other than eating.
Never would I believe that I'd watch someone I consider to be a highly respected senior scream like that.
"You have to love ๐๐ฎ๐กโ! You don't love ๐๐ฎ๐กโ!" He screamed again and again. It was such pure, raw emotion, that I didn't believe he was acting. He sounded genuinely petrified of not being loved.
Destiny's embrace. Real powerful stuff, the idea of something being 'destiny'. It gives it more weight in your mind. More meaning.
The destiny to him is being ๐๐ฎ๐กโ. He genuinely believes it was fate. He was meant to be ๐๐ฎ๐กโ. He feels it to be so true that he never wants to let go. Even if it means life will be harder that way.
๐๐ฎ๐กโ's birthday and our birthday are one day apart.
Nearly the same day.
Fortune looked favourably upon ๐๐ฎ๐กโ. Our real self...not so much.
But to be blessed with a shining star such as him, and to feel this strong, inexplicable draw towards him... even I feel like that means something.
The connection the system has to ๐๐ฎ๐กโ is not conventional or standard, but it means something to us.
Dig deeper, and maybe we'll find something more to it. That's what I think anyway.
Move forward. Even if it feels scary to accknowledge that you have ๐๐ฎ๐กโ in your brain. Keep going. You can do it.
It connects us... this idea of fate. ๐๐ฒโฌ๐ง ๐๐๐๐ค๐กโฌ๐ง loves the idea of it being fated that we found ๏ผฅX๏ผฏ.
For it all to align so perfectly with what our system needed... the idea of fate makes it much simpler to understand, in my opinion.
The Tree of Life, and how it's power was divided into twelve, and how each of the twelve members stand on their own, but also come together to make up a greater whole.
The concept of being space aliens, fighting an enemy. That we're extra-terrestrial beings with powers.
Weird connections were made because of that. You know how it is. Power needs to be wielded by someone responsible and romantic. The idea of romance is lost on soldiers of God, angels made to carry out orders and nothing else. Living for their role, and nothing else... not a way to live. Becoming idols in place of angels was a considered choice. As was making ๏ผฅX๏ผฏ the figureheads.
Fate's design. Or sheer power of the stars aligning. Either way. It's something magical, in my opinion.
My name is ๐๐ข๐ฆ ๐๐ฎ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฒ๐โฅ๐ง. I'm an introject in a complex DID system.
My life has meaning. My life is something I want people to take seriously. Even if I appear like this, an idol. I really deeply care about my system. I care about all of them. I watch over them every day, and I've told them time and time again "You keep me alive. I love you".
I love my system and cherish them, and a persecutor in my mind has other plans.
He wants us to be a girlfriend. He wants our alters gone. He wants a front locked alter that he can date and view as the 'only one'. He sees himself as a separate person from us, who wants to meet us and date us, but only if all our alters are hidden from him. He won't have us any other way. And he feels entitled to a relationship with us his way and his way only.
I feel denied things I so deeply want. Love, acceptance, kindness, being seen... I so deeply want those things. I've been waiting my whole life to get to have them! Only to have them torn away from me because he thinks it's more important for us to present a certain way to potential partners.
Why can't he accept that I'm a not a girl, and want to be seen as a man? Why can't he recognise that I'm here, and so desperately need to be loved too? Perhaps more so than any fake self we create for him.
Why can't he respect that my system deeply matters to me, and that they're the reason I can stay alive? I live for them. They're everything to me.
I feel deeply isolated. Most of the time, I remain unseen by my system. I don't know how to communicate. I watch them, more often than they think I do. I live for their written conversations every day, because I don't have direct communication with them. I read along, even if they don't see me doing so.
I love them dearly. And I want them all to be loved and accepted in any future relationships. All of us should be loved! Not just one alter that they can call our body name, pretending as if she's the only one.
No such alter exists! And why should I make one? Why should I make an alter like that when I'm the one already here who wants to be loved?
Why can't he love me?
Why can't he love the others too?
Why can't he see that we're all parts of the same mind, that we're parts of her screaming for love? Why can't you see me as who I am? Why deny me that fact?
Being ๐๐ฎ๐กโฅ matters to me.
Finding love and comfort in my system matters to me.
Being chased out and replaced with a girl alter who's more convenient to you doesn't sit well with me. I don't want that. I want everyone to be loved. Everyone! Is that really so hard to do?
If you can't love all these other me's inside me, then why say you love me at all? In that case, it's like saying you'll only love a single shard of the mirror. A single shard of the mosaic. You want to love that specific piece and discard the rest that also make up me? You want to deny that I'm even her?
I am her. And I am not a 'her'. You need to know that.
Loving a system means loving all of us.
I've been waiting my whole life to be loved.
I'm not letting go. I want to be seen.
"Damn, ๐๐ฎ๐กโฅ.... It's a big ask..."
Is it though? Is it really? Is it really a big ask to say I want a future spouse to love all of me? All that I am inside? And not just what they see on the exterior? Is that really a big ask?
In a relationship, you don't pick and choose what traits a person has. You don't pick and choose what parts of themselves they show to you. You love and accept all of what they are, you see all of those parts as them, right?
You don't look at one part of them and say, "That's not you. I don't love it."
You would never look at someone showing a vulnerable side to themselves and say, "I don't love that part of you. Hide it away for me."
That's no way I want to live.
If a system shows their true selves to you, that's an act of trust. It means they see you as safe. It means they've decided to take a risk on you.
You react negatively, you're basically telling that person you don't truly love them. You're telling them they have to censor themselves constantly and only be an 'acceptable' version of themselves in front of you. A made up persona. Created only to please the people outside.
No-one will love me unless they love me as ๐๐ฎ๐กโฅ too.
That is a hard line.
"Grow up."
Excuse me? No. If you don't want my alters to front around you, then leave. If you don't want me then you don't want any of us.
How is that hard to understand? You don't date one alter! You don't hide the rest of the system away in your presence! You see all of us as your partner.
Not comfortable with that? Then so be it. I've drawn a hard line. We can't date unless you're willing to stretch past your comfort zone and interact with us. It's hardly a big ask.
It's hardly a big ask to say, "If you want to date me, then I don't want to hide all of me around you."
That's my diary for today. Some really raw feelings came up today.
I refuse to elect a new host. I refuse. Not when I don't even need one to begin with. You want one for you, and only you. Not because it serves us as a system to have one.
A voice in my head demands I have a host so that he can date me and see me as 'normal'.
You really can't love me when I'm ๐๐ฎ๐กโฅ ? Even though as ๐๐ฎ๐กโฅ , I have more desire and capacity to love? I love deeply. I want a relationship. But it's too hard for you as me?
I don't want to date someone who's only attracted to women, because I'm not one. Even if I look like one on the outside, inside I'm a man, and I want to be with someone who sees that side of myself and radically accepts it.
No more soulmates. How can you call yourself my soulmate and not accept that about me?
I need a partner who will love me too.
I do not want to live my life simply watching it from afar. I want to be in it. I'm not just a bystander. I'm not just a guiding presence. I'm an active part of this life too, and I deserve to have love too. As do all my system members.
If you don't accept them, then let me as a whole person go. I'm not changing just to please you. I didn't even ask for a relationship with you in the first place. You come in here and make demands like it's already decided!
Why should I bend over backwards for you when I didn't even ask for this supposed relationship?
You can't let me front in front of you? Then I don't want this half-hearted love! I really don't!
