Hi, I'm Pluto!

this is my vent account basically

[batmine-deactivated20250215]

why is it so hard to actually die

wdym I have to put effort into it

[puppeteerings]

me when my mood disorder disorders my mood

[cherryb0nnbon]

I hope in another life you will have the child you deserve mommy, not a mistake like me

[girlwearied]

fuck zodiac signs do you also kinda feel excruciatingly unlovable in every way possible sometimes

[confusion-x-central]

Mon, Oct 7, 2024 12:26 p.m.

I feel dead. It's like all my emotions are muted. I just wanna feel something again. I wanna really feel. I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I'm deteriorating, but no one can see it. So, I have to continue to stumble through my every day like a fucking zombie with no end goal in mind except for the end of my life.

[jack-the-killler]

[cherryb0nnbon]

I'm such a pussy my cvts barely bleed like am I so useless that I can't even cvt myself?

[confusion-x-central]

might fuck around and finally kill myself idrk yet

just not really feeling the big 2 0

low-key it seems wrong for me to actually grow up

soooo i think im just gonna try to off myself before my birthday

that way i'll never have to turn 20

just not really fucking with it, you know?

might take some pills on the floor of my childhood home and "fall asleep" watching my favorite cartoons

might find a beautiful cliff and jump into death's warm embrace as a final cry for freedom

haven't really decided yet

that's okay, i still have a little over a week

[confusion-x-central]

uncertainty is my biggest opp

[confusion-x-central]

A Not So Little Rant (bc im losing my mind again..sorry)

Ummm I think I'm feeling a lot of self-hatred right now. And like this isn't my first thought like this. A short while ago I realized that I hate myself so much now that even my skin color is causing me distress. I've never had a problem with my racial ethnicity or my skin color before. It was always just sort of a fact of my life and I never felt any shame or anything towards it. In fact, a lot of times I really liked my skin and how it looked. But recently I've just hated…everything… about myself. Including the color of my skin. I'm feeling that especially strongly now. I was scrolling through Pinterest and I saw all these cool, pretty pictures of white girls. Blonde white girls, Dark haired white girls, skinny white girls, thick white girls. It didn't matter what features they had, they were prettier than me bc they were white. Or maybe pale is a better word. I thought the Asian girls were prettier than me too. This time I didn't just hate my skin and that was it and I was a little dumbfounded and upset. This time I wanted to physically express that hatred. By destroying a doll that looked like me or scribbling all over a picture of myself or a character that looked like me. Something like that. Not harm to my actual physical body bc I've actually been hating my sh scars lately too. I've never really been ashamed of those either. I hid them when they were fresh to avoid people's concerns and questions, but once my scars healed I didn't have a problem with them. At least not before. But I'm ashamed of them now. They feel ugly. Hideous. Like this huge beacon all over me that screams at people that I'm not good enough. I'm disgusted with myself on every level. I feel like every aspect of my appearance and my personality make me a deplorable outcast! I feel..othered..you know?

I can't help but wonder if this new sort of self-hatred is because of the sexting stuff I was doing. I didn't really think it would have that big if an effect on how I viewed myself. It's just.. I feel..traumatized. I feel like a victim of sexual abuse. But, like, I did all that myself. I don't think I can traumatize myself through sexual self-abuse..can I? I mean, I certainly feel like I did, but I'm just not sure how valid a thing like that is, you know? And, plus, I don't even know what fucked up part of my brain made me wanna do that stuff anyways. I watched a tarot reading and it said I did it because I didn't get enough attention from my parents, which tracks I guess, but I feel like sexually degrading myself is an overreaction to not getting enough attention growing up. Also, something I've been holding back, I really fucking hate the way I'm writing! It's just - I can hear myself in the way I write and I fucking hate who I am right now so it's fucking me up honestly! I just wish I could run away or explode and become an entirely different person. WTF!

[emptyprescription]

[confusion-x-central]

ouchie

[virtualaesthetic]

my fault, redeux.

[4n93lpuk3]

i turn twenty-one soon and it feels like my world is about to end. what good am i if my aging body is no longer soft enough to be ogled or fawned over by older men? now i'm just worthless.

[confusion-x-central]

aaaAAAAAAAAaaAaaaAAAAAAHHhhhHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[malehorror]

i still have disgusting thoughts to go back to those older men. all of those men so much older than i was. sometimes, i feel like all i'll ever be is some disposable toy to be used for the disgusting thoughts of others. i never want to be like them, but sometimes, i wonder what would happen if i let them hurt me a little longer.

[confusion-x-central]

aaaAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAaaAAaaaHHhhHhhHHHhhhhhhhhhhhHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thestarseersystem]

how do I tell other people that you don't need sexual trauma in order to be hypersexual. That the dynamics between you and another can be so similar to a sexual relationship that it becomes a substitute belief. That hypersexuality is just a type of emotional self harm. That it's a maladaptive coping mechanism stemming from romanticizing your own pain. That trauma isn't as simple as "I got hurt this way, so I deal with it in this way", but instead "This is the way this trauma makes me feel, so I feel like this type of victim." Even if they haven't experienced being kidnapped, sexually assaulted, tortured, been a victim of war, actually died, etc., that these are substitute beliefs that a trauma survivor may have about themselves.

That even a trauma survivor whose only faced abuse by a few people, that they can feel like they were being made a sacrifice or a lamb for others to eat, that they feel like they need to be provocative and to enjoy their abuse for them to live.

This doesn't come from a single event, it's instead, complex trauma. Trauma if your parent loved you or not, but it taints your perception forever. And while one person can deal with it a lot better, sometimes some people can't cope as well, and may enact harm onto themselves similar to a survivor of a different type of trauma they faced. And it's not our place to judge whether or not their trauma was severe enough to have that reaction. It's not based on severity. It's based on the lack of other coping mechanisms we had to cope.

[borderline-culture-is]

BPD + Hypersexual culture is being absolutely terrified of admitting that you're a bad person because of what your trauma has done to you. Knowing how your friends will see you if they knew what went through your head. Forcing yourself to keep everything in while constantly hinting at it for any signs of validation (or the complete opposite). Being afraid everyone will leave you no matter what they say because, in reality, you're a gross, toxic person who will indeed make everyone uncomfortable just with your presence if you tell them anything.

.

[greyspectraltea]

me, watching hazbin hotel: wow, I love most of these characters but I really feel this odd attachment to Angel!

…

me, hours later, analyzing this fact and suddenly remembering the fact of my occasional hypersexuality stemming from being oversexualized since childhood: oh.. Oh no…..