i've been losing sleep

Conrad Gray || 25 hails from Serenity Bay, living in NY graduated in family law

[conradgray-blog]

@conradsass: Not to brag, but guess who's celebrating today with pizza and about three cases to prepare? This guy! Congrats America! #LoveWins

[alliesmythe]

Maybe it's safer if I don't try || Allie and Conrad

[alliesmythe]

The shame that crept up on Allie was enough to set her off again, despite her sobs eventually subsiding into quiet hiccups that were a lot easier to muffle with the sleeve of her sweater, excusing the occasional lurch of her shoulders that each tremor brought. To admit that she’d let her father do all those things to her without having the strength to fight him off only caused her to bow her head. Allie was known for being invincible, acting like nothing could touch her, yet she’d let the worst thing imaginable happen to her.

The thought of Conrad looking at her differently made her want to shy away from the other man, especially when he crept closer and she found herself becoming embarrassed once more when she realised that the rise of emotion welling up inside her could be recognised as fear. Taking in a shaky breath, she told herself to breathe deeply, remembering where she was and who she was with. It was Conrad and he wouldn’t hurt her.

The trust that she instilled in the other man spoke volumes and Allie, the woman who laughed at sentimental displays of affection, allowed herself to be scooped up into a hug, tucking her head underneath Conrad’s chin and resting a hand on his arm. Should she be in any fit state of mind to realise what was happening, she would deny that his words soothed her, she didn’t need confirmation from someone else to let her know she was okay after all. However, in that moment, she was too exhausted to let herself be anything other than vulnerable and grateful.

Nuzzling into the familiar material of his sweater, she brought up her hand, tucking her sleeve over her fist so she could wipe at her mascara smeared eyes and fashion herself into a somewhat composed human being again. She mentally cursed herself for being one of those ugly criers, knowing for sure that her face would be just as red and blotchy as it had been when Jack died in Titanic.

“Thank you,” she murmured, rubbing at her eyes and wincing when she pulled her hand away and noticed the inky black mess her tears had made. Wrinkling her nose, she pushed herself into more of an upright position, still staying close to Conrad so she could lay her head on his shoulder, sniffing slightly.

“Sorry for, uh, you know jumping you and all. And then crying like a little bitch,” she said, her voice steadier now.

[conradgray-blog]

He waited patiently for Allie to let out some of what she had been keeping in for far too long and simply held on to her until she would push him away. Safe from the sounds that came from the woman in his arms, there was complete silence in the room until two voices rose from the hallways, the sound of it bringing attention to the fact that the door was still open and that anyone could look in. He turned his head to the door, and pulled on of his arms back to close it, just as he made eye contact with one of the other residents of the building. Shrugging softly to himself, Conrad gently put his arm back to his earlier position and continued with what he was doing before.

As he heard her voice break the silence, Conrad lifted his head to look at her and threw her a gentle smile, telling him that it was all okay. He watched her as she shifted her position and waited until she was comfortable before slowing throwing his arm around her again, careful not frighten her with any sudden movements.

“You’ve got absolutely nothing to apologize for, Alls. Nice to hear you’re back to your usual language though.” He joked lightly as he moved his gaze to stare out right in front of him. “Besides, it not as if it was awful to be jumped by you, in all honesty.”

He breathed softly, trying to decide what to say next but finding himself at a complete loss of words. Plenty of questions formed in his head, but he couldn’t quite find it in himself to ask them, as he didn’t want to force her into anything she wasn’t ready for. So instead his eyes found themselves going over to the on mute tv.

“So how about that Annalise Keating, huh?” He heard himself say awkwardly as he noticed how the show How To Get Away With Murder was currently playing on the tv.

[alliesmythe]

Maybe it's safer if I don't try || Allie and Conrad

[alliesmythe]

Allie wanted to lash out and hit Conrad, to keep on hitting him until she couldn’t feel any more pain. That was unfair though and deep down, through her hysterical haze, she knew that and so she simply kept her hands to herself, clenching them into fists and holding them stiffly by her sides. Staring at the man with what she knew was undoubtedly teary, mascara-smeared eyes, she waited for the laugh to come, the teasing, the taunting and the wave of hurt that was sure to hit her.

However, Conrad simply looked concerned and, at once, Allie wished that he would make fun of her. If there was anything worse than Conrad making a joke out of all of this then it was Conrad pitying her. He was one of the few people that she trusted to always let her keep her guard up instead of trying to see beyond the sexually aggressive party animal that she liked people to think she was.

One look at the confused expression on his face though seemed to cause her anger to melt away and it was immediately replaced by guilt. Guilt that she had used her best friend in this way and that she was now forcing her pity party on him, despite not wanting any sympathy.

She wanted to go and continued towards the door, wanting to make an exit even if it did lack in dignity. The only thing that stopped her from walking out completely was the pleading tone in his voice.

“Just leave me alone,” she sniffed pitifully. Her tone betrayed her words and let the other man know that the last thing she wanted at that moment was to be left alone. She was half-drunk, miserable, terrified of going home herself and she wasn’t sure that her booted feet would even manage to carry her all the way back to her apartment.

Running a hand under her nose to wipe away the snot and tears as they spilled over her eyelids, she gave the other man a mournful look, standing a couple of inches away from the door but moving any closer towards it.

How could she tell him? She hadn’t told anybody about the things her father had done to her when they’d been alone and she’d had no one to turn to. Noah had left then Conrad had left and then Toby had gone too and she’d been left in Maine with only overprotective aunts who still didn’t know the extent to which she was mistreated.

She knew that Conrad had a clue about her dad though. There had been only so many time she could lie about a bruise when she was younger but despite his constant questions, prodding her for answers, she’d never spoke out. Never let him know what was going on behind closed doors.

“My dad’s here,” she eventually managed to choke out and hoped that was as good an explanation as any but, as her hand fell away from the door handle and she slowly slid down the slab of wood until she was sitting on Conrad’s floor, she found more words spilling from her mouth.

“And I had to prove that he couldn’t touch me anymore and that I was okay now,” she began sobbing, not knowing if her words were coherent or not.

[conradgray-blog]

It was no secret that ever since the first day that he had met the man, Conrad had not been a fan of Mr. Smythe. Something was just off about him, whether it was the way he spoke or the way he looked, or even how he smelled, none of it felt right to the brunette. Nonetheless, he was the father of his best friend and that meant that he would be polite whatever his feelings were.

Throughout the years, he wasn’t blind to the bruises that would appear on Allie’s arms, and her poor attempts to cover them up. He still remembered the first time he caught her lying, trying to make it out as if she had been clumsy and it was her fault, but he knew better and his ill feelings for Mr. Smythe just grew stronger. Despite the fact that he wanted to question her about them, he never did. He never pushed her and just waited for her to tell him whatever needed to be told and until that day he would just would just be there for her however she needed him and whenever she was ready for it. Maybe that day had finally come.

As soon as he heard the words, he could feel his hands starting to ball up as he tried to contain himself. Sure, he never knew exactly whatever the man had done to his best friend, but he wasn’t the same kid anymore. Years had passed, he had grown wiser, and with that he had been able to make some assumptions of what had been going on. None of which confirmed, yet it didn’t stop him from putting Mr. Smythe at the top of his hit list for if he ever decided to give up his current occupation and decided to become an assassin instead.

Conrad could practically feel his heart drop as he watched how Allie let herself fall to the floor and found himself at a loss with his current emotions. His anger was replaced by compassion and before he even realized what he was doing, he moved to take a seat next to her and gently pulled her into his arms.

“He can’t touch you, okay?” He muttered softly as he kissed her head. “You’re safe. You’re always safe here.”

[conradgray-blog]

@newyorkgrant: @conradsass okay then how is this: people might think it says 'sass'?

@conradsass: @newyorkgrant not that much better

[conradgray-blog]

@newyorkgrant: @conradass oh, i am. there's just literally no way i can support you during this

@conradsass: @newyorkgrant you're supposed to have my back you jerk

[conradgray-blog]

@newyorkgrant: @conradsass that's because i absolutely am

@conradsass: @newyorkgrant and here i was thinking that you were my friend

[conradgray-blog]

@newyorkgrant: this is tragic

@conradsass: @newyorkgrant i can feel you mocking me

[conradgray-blog]

@conradsass: i should have never let allie make me an account. i have no idea how to change my name. help me.

[alliesmythe]

Maybe it's safer if I don't try || Allie and Conrad

[alliesmythe]

Alle would later reflect on the fact that Conrad had seemed to kiss her back without a second thought and she honestly couldn’t help but wonder what that meant. Perhaps it was just a reflexive action as he was an attractive enough guy who lots of girls probably kissed during nights out and such—although he seemed to be lacking in those lately. However, she couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps there was more too it than that.

They found each other attractive and always voice this but had never acted on those attractions because ever since their friendship had began it seemed like there had been a big platonic line between the two of them which had caused Allie to simply see Conrad as her best friend with a great butt and nothing more than that. She thought it would always be the case and what she was doing right now was nothing more than taking advantage of how safe she felt with the man, but the way her heart skipped a beat in her chest caused something to spark in her brain and she suddenly felt warm all over.

She wasn’t allowed to think about that anymore though because Conrad was pulling away from her and telling her he couldn’t. Couldn’t kiss her, presumably and so definitely couldn’t do what else she had in mind and as Allie took in the confused look on his face, she simply felt stupid.

The bitter sting of rejection eventually crept up on her and more tears began to form in her eyes. She had always put herself out there for people who she knew would reciprocate the attraction but in her emotional haze she had somehow overlooked the fact that Conrad didn’t feel that way about her and was probably horrified that she had crossed the line that their friendship was built around.

She tore her hand away from his and glared at him, all the emotions of the evening building up once more and no one to direct them at except Conrad.

"Yeah, because you’re really above fucking me, aren’t you?" she snapped. "The big hotshot lawyer doesn’t know if he can sink to the level of the crazy girl with the baggage and the shitty family."

She sniffed and shook her head, immediately backing up towards the door.

"I didn’t mean to, okay? I should go."

[conradgray-blog]

Despite the fact that he did have a humongous crush on her back when they lived in Serenity Bay, Conrad never tried to push their friendship further into anything but what it was - a friendship. He cared about her far too much than to risk ruining anything, and so instead he was more than content to just hang out with her as long as he possibly could. He was there for her when she needed him, whether it was because she needed to be comforted for whatever reason, or if she just needed someone to keep her from going mad out of boredom. Their friendship always came first, no matter how he felt about her, he would always put her first, and eventually he got over it.

However, as he pulled her inside his flat, still staring at the woman in question, Conrad couldn't help but question whether he really was over the crush hat he had harbored for her all those years ago. She had kissed him, and it definitely brought back some long, not quite forgotten feelings back to surface. Feeling that he found himself being confused over. While teenage Conrad would have been ecstatic at the chance of finally getting to kiss the brunette, present Conrad just knew that something wasn't right about the whole thing.

He knew Allie, they had been best friends for as long as he could remember and despite the fact that she sometimes did make rash decisions which she acted on without questioning it, this wasn't that kind of thing. Allie was stubborn, impulsive, over-confident and loud, but not once had he ever seen her act this way around a guy, let alone him. He didn't know what had suddenly come over her, because it certainly wasn't as if she had all of a sudden realized that she had feeling for him, because it wasn't as if they had been spending a lot of time lately seeing as he had been buried under his work. No, this was something else, and he was going to figure out what that was.

As she pulled her hand back harshly, Conrad felt something in him break a little bit but chose to ignore it and instead tried to focus on the brunette in front of him. He cringed a little bit as he saw her glare at her, and yet again confusion took over.

"That's not what I me-" he broke off as she continued to rant at her. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, was that really what she thought of him? Or what she assumed he would think of her?

"Wait Allie, no" he started as he tried to stop her from leaving, raising his hand before letting it fall to his side again, thinking the better of trying to touch her. "Allie, you know that I would never think anything like that. Don't go."

Letting out the breath that he didn't even realize he was holding, Conrad scratched his head, not quite sure what to do. "Whatever is wrong, isn't going to be solved by kissing with me. Talk to me, don't run."

[alliesmythe]

Maybe it's safer if I don't try || Allie and Conrad

Talking with Toby had only reopened wounds about what er father had done to her and she was once again reduced to a sobbing mess as she always was whenever she thought about that part of her life. It had always been something that she had tried to suppress, ever since she had been able to hit back and put her foot down and say ‘no, you’re not doing this to me’ but that didn’t mean that those memories didn’t lie dormant in her mind.

She always liked to say that she had emerged from that part of her life as a fighter when really she knew how scared she was inside. She could barely flirt with a male without getting scared about it getting taken further and always covered it up by pretending she was promiscuous and an overly sexual being. Sure, she had a lot of sex with girls but girls weren’t nearly as terrifying as men were. Females didn’t bring back bad memories.

She wouldn’t lie and say it didn’t frustrate her though. She didn’t want to be scared. She didn’t want to back away from guys out of fear. She wanted to be able to prove that she could feel safe with men, that it was possible for her to be like other girls and have sex with guys. It was probably twisted and problematic that she felt this way but she refused to feel like a victim anymore. She could feel safe with men and she would prove it so with a hammering heart, she wiped her face, the black of her hand becoming marked with black smudges from her mascara, and grabbed her boots.

It didn’t take her long to get to Conrad’s and even though the idea of what she was about to do made her nervous (she wouldn’t use the word scared, she refused to) she still felt like she had to do it and was hardly in the right frame of mind to talk herself out of it. She had to prove this to herself or else she would never get over what her father done to her. 

She still had a lump in her throat and her face did crumple ever so slightly every few seconds but she told herself to buck up and so when Conrad opened the door, she didn’t hesitate twice to walk forward and grab him by the shirt collar, pressing a sloppy kiss to his lips.

Conrad was her best friend, he was her safe place and a small voice in the back of her head was telling her that she was using him but there was no one else she would rather do this with than Conrad. He was the only person she was comfortable with and she wanted to use that to help her and so she desperately kissed him again, a hand sliding around his neck and she couldn’t help but think to herself So this is what it’s like to kiss him?

She couldn’t say she hadn’t thought about it before.

"Please don’t say anything," she pleaded with him before moving forward to kiss him again.

[conradgray-blog]

Things in Conrad's life lately had been hectic, and with life, he meant work. Work had bee crazier than ever. The moment he finished a case, he gets assigned two others. Not that he really minded, but still... he wouldn't complain if he were to receive the files a bit faster than only two days ahead of the court date. But he wouldn't complain in general, he still enjoyed his work, even if he didn't always like the cases he was assigned to. Though having graduated in family law, Conrad had found himself dabbling into some financial law and others, forcing him to have to do some research, which basically meant lots of coffee and no sleep.

As he was sipping on his fourth cup of coffee that evening, the dining table in front of his was covered with files and papers concerning his latest case, the only space that wasn't covered by white paper being the area where his laptop was placed with a little bit of room to put his mug down. Scratching his head as he searched a pile of documents for a certain paper, Conrad found himself getting distracted for just a mere second at a knock on the door. Thinking he imagined it at first, he ignored it and continued to look for that damn paper. Another knock sounded from the door, and this time Conrad was absolutely positive he hadn't imagined it.

"Just a second!" Conrad called out, as he looked through the pile just a little longer before finally finding the document he was looking for. "Yes!" He exclaimed in victory before pushing himself of his seat and heading over to the door as continued to remain focused on the paper in his hands, only to look away as he opened the door, before getting attacked by a blur that seemed a lot like the girl he called his best friend.

The paper slipped out of his hand as Allie pushed herself onto him and planted a kiss on him, nearly causing him to stumble back. Managing to regain his balance, Conrad found himself kissing the brunette back out of reflex before his mind finally caught up with what was happening. He was kissing Allie. Well... technically she was kissing him, but still.

It wasn't as if he hadn't thought of it before, in fact, he spent most of his high school years harboring a crush on her. A crush that he never acted on because she was Allie. The girl he had been best friends with for forever, and who would never feel that way about him. So he got over it. Or he thought he did. But in that moment, as she kissed him, all those feelings came back to the surface, and though he wanted nothing more than to give in to this, he knew he couldn't. This wasn't like her. He knew her.

As she parted briefly to breath, before kissing him even more urgently, Conrad found himself torn. It wasn't as if he didn't want this. But this just really wasn't like Allie, so he just knew that something was wrong.

As she pulled away again, Conrad could hear the almost desperate tone in her voice as she spoke. He wanted to give in, but he knew that he would hate himself if her did, so before she could lean in again, Conrad leaned back his head and gently pulled on her arm.

"Allie. I can't-" He started as he finally looked upon her face and noticed the mascare stains there. Pulling her inside his flat, just enough to be able to close the door behind her, he turned to her as he grabbed her hand. "Talk to me."

[halpertjames-deactivated2016100]

@Bensplatt: First day on set of #PitchPerfect2 with my favorite roomie, @Skylarastin!

[hny-confessions]

[conradgray-blog]

I agree with half of this plan. The first half that is, not the latter.

[monica-ashburn-blog]

You bet! Ambushing friends is almost a lifestyle.

[conradgray-blog]

You sound like you have some firsthand experience.

[monica-ashburn-blog]

Well at least you know you’re loved, right?

[conradgray-blog]

Smothered even. But that's what friends do to one another, right?

[monica-ashburn-blog]

Oh, that happens to me all the time! Darn phones will get to ya every time.

[conradgray-blog]

It's not even the phone, it's Allie. I swear, even if there were no phones, she'd still find a way to annoy me.

[pipermaclewis-blog]

Amateur.

[conradgray-blog]

Don't mock me, MacLewis.

[conradgray-blog]

Note to self: If I want to have a peaceful free day filled with sleep, do not leave on the sound of my phone because Allie will call about a hundred times within an hour.