After a certain point Maomao is so funny to me. "I shouldn't do xyz it might piss someone off and get me killed" girl the emperor likes you. His wives like you; you give them explicit porn and save their babies. His mom likes you. They let you practice medicine illegally. His secret son wants you down crazy. You could kill a bitch and they'd probably cover it up
i understand (on paper) why companies are anti-piracy but its funny when random individuals are also strongly anti-piracy. like how does it negatively affect your life if someone you know downloads a cracked torrent of sims 4. you dont work for EA. EA isnt gonna pay you for this. you lose nothing. its fine. chill out.
Nolan’s Odyssey thoughts. I brought in a notebook and filled 9.5 pages of scribbled thoughts throughout the three hours I was suffering. I hated this movie and I really tried to go into it with an open mind as much as possible and damn it really sucks. This movie really put the no in nostos.
(obviously spoilers ahead)
Random big thoughts
This movie felt like it was made for high school English teachers to show but then 95% of the way through making it, they were like actually nevermind and added in some f-bombs and a few (like 2-3 nonsexual nudity) shots of asses to solve the problem.
Odysseus hates the gods and at times barely believes in them, but also refuses to push back against anything that could be seen as a prophecy. It’s so fucking weird because it’s equivalent to a modern atheist being like “Christianity is dumb and probably a crock of bullshit, also don’t lie because it’s a sin and God will be mad”.
I wrote this down verbatim, “An Odysseus that hesitates about returning to Ithaca is like the sun hesitating to rise” and I do believe I cooked with that. Same is true with a Penelope that doubts Odysseus and a Telemachus that doesn’t need a father, which this movie has.
Here’s the thing, up until Odysseus lands in Ithaca, the movie is fine. It isn’t good, it isn’t horrific, it’s a little cringe and a little irritating for me as an enjoyer of the Odyssey, but it wasn’t bad. If I turned off my brain from know-it-all Greek mythology enjoyer Asha to action movie enjoyer Asha, I think I could have had a decent time. However, it all falls apart when Odysseus returns home, any ounce of characterization is crushed to bits and it just sucks and makes no sense. Reminder, I honestly enjoyed the Troy: Fall of a City miniseries so accuracy is not always my hill to die on but god, I would like the hill to at least be in eyesight.
Random little thoughts (in no order)
UGLYYYYYYY ass costumes like I knew they were bad but it’s such an eyesore. There was not a single outfit that I was like “that looks nice”.
This is one of the first movies I’ve ever seen where I wanted MORE gore and MORE things that made me sick to my stomach. Like, show me Odysseus’s men starving, show me blood spraying down when men are taken by Scylla, show me more soldiers drowning.
They massacred the characterization of every woman (fork found in kitchen, Nolan can’t write women, but still)
There’s a lot of things in this film that changing from poem to movie was pointless. My most memorable example of this being that Eumaeus is visually impaired, Eumaeus also at one point says Odysseus was like a son to him. These aren’t huge deals and don’t affect the plot but to those amongst us who enjoy the Odyssey, it’s just annoying.
Iphigenia is sacrificed by Agamemnon before Odysseus leaves Ithaca?????????
There’s a lot of time and plot spent centered on Argos (yeah the dog).
Odysseus only has 3 ships the whole film, holyyyyy budget cuts.
On Calypso’s island, Odysseus forgets everything because she keeps drugging him with lotus flowers. He doesn’t remember how he got to her island, doesn’t remember his family or Ithaca until she like… weans him off and he starts to remember that. He basically feels none of the time pass.
Half of Helen’s face is physically scarred from the Trojan War, it’s implied that Menelaus mutilated her. There’s a disgusting line where Menelaus says, “this is the face that launched a thousand ships, although now it would maybe be five-hundred.” GROSS
The Laestrygonians look like cybermen and no I will not elaborate.
There is a scene where Athena’s temple is destroyed in Troy and it’s implied that whatever happens to the temple, happens to the god. (like a soldier wacks off Athena’s statue’s head, it switches to a scene of Athena being held down and nearly decapitated) It’s a neat idea but in a movie where the gods are ridiculed by the main character, it just doesn’t work.
No Achilles or Anticleia in the underworld SIGHHH
No Nestor or Peisistratus SIGGGGGHHHHHH they hate to see yappers represented.
Telemachus and Odysseus’s reunion is so ass, like there’s no bout of emotional resonance at all, they’re two worlds apart.
Telemachus sucks as a character Tom Holland you are British how did you make Telemachus so fucking American. No one talk to me about Telemachus he sucked so fucking bad in this movie.
No wedding bed anything insane and might I add fucking crazy. Again, this is classic Odyssey stuff.
At the end of the movie, Odysseus and Penelope travel west(?) and leave Telemachus as king of Ithaca, to honor the fallen soldiers. This is the Greek mythology equivalent of retired American couples moving to Florida I think.
The Cyclops
The cyclops doesn’t speak to Odysseus (the men don’t even know it’s a sentient being until after they stab it in the eye) which means we get no “Nobody” scene which is already a travesty because I fear that’s classic Odysseus. And I do feel like the cyclops being more of a monster ruins the whole point of it being about breaking xenia. If Polyphemus is just an unnamed monster, what makes him any different from Scylla or Charybdis???
Small thing to be pissy about but to get past the cyclops they tied hay to their back instead of hanging from the bellies of the sheep.
We also get no scene of hubris from Odysseus, again this is classic Odysseus.
The Suitors
Antinous called beggar Odysseus a “platelicker” and then after a few times I swear on my life he said “platelicka” it was insane and I wish I was joking
This movie creates a lot of Antinous lore that I think is fairly unnecessary since Antinous already had lore (Eupiethes’s pirate background) but let me explain the Antinous lore to the best of my memory.
So Odysseus holds a lottery for his army. A young Antinous and a younger Sinon draw lots and Antinous draws the lot that indicates he will fight. Sinon, maybe 13 years old, swaps their lots because he wants to go to war with Odysseus. Antinous (probably 16-18 years old) tries to protest but Odysseus won’t let them change back. Antinous interprets this as “Odysseus knew he might not come back and wanted me to be in charge of Ithaca”.
Penelope is in the hall right before Odysseus starts killing, inaccurate but why I mention this here is because she doesn’t let Melantho come with the women to safety. She leaves her in the hall to die in the slaughter. Now if you know me you know I am an Melantho ENJOYER and so I hate to see my girl done badly (maybe the Melantho shit will be it’s own rant).
Antinous x Melantho I CALLED THAT THEY WOULD DO THAT A YEAR AGO
In the end, Odysseus doesn’t kill all the suitors (although he does kill Antinous). Insane because to make things right in Ithaca Odysseus HAS to kill the suitors. It’s the reason that he kills the 12 disloyal maids in the poem because if they live, they represent his own failures blah blah blah whatever I hate it here.
The gods (or lack of)
Athena is the only god with form we see and I’m going to be real honest with you, I didn’t have the brain power to try to figure out what was going on with her.
Zeus does destroy the ship after the sun god’s cows thing and let me just say if you can’t handle flashing lights this is not ur film because the lightning goes CRAZY and not in a good interesting way but in a “my retinas are burned out” way.
No Hermes and no Aeolus sorry my plot scaffolding kings.
“Asha, did you like anything in this movie?”
Probably surprising but yes. When Odysseus’s men are turned to pigs by Circe, she has to physically mold them from man to pigs so she like… rips their hair out and pulls their ears and pushes up their noses until they turn to pigs which was so fucking fascinating to me. I hated the Circe scenes with her and Odysseus but goddamn Nolan you cooked with that body horror. Like, if the ending of this movie wasn’t hot garbage I would recommend it for that scene alone.
I also thought the scenes pre-Trojan war in Ithaca were cute, newlywed OdyPen and Odysseus being like a father figure to the younger men of Ithaca (maybe 2 mins of screen time altogether, not much to write home about but I enjoyed the scraps we got).
Soundtrack was good occasionally
That’s all I wanna write about for now. Who wants to start a GoFundMe for Homer to get a gun and a time machine to kill Nolan?
they shouldn't even call this shit "the odyssey" what the fuck was that. the most important parts of the odyssey is that: odysseus is nobody, misses his wife, got his crew killed, kills all the suitors, somehow interacting with gods all the goddamn time, tree bed. so. the fact that they cut the nobody scene is so fucking insane to me. THAT'S LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT AND DEFINING MOMENT.
anyways, even before they released it i kinda knew it was gonna be balls. star-studded cast and no greek actors/features. hollywood bigshots were never gonna have story/historical accuracy, and casting stars for a period piece is never gonna work. regardless of if costume and makeup did a good job, the mind just can't immerse because that's fucking matt damon, anne hathaway, tom holland and zendaya from movies tv shows interviews all day everyday. they are so popular and seen all the time, that the brain just can't let go of that connection. if you're not gonna cast someone with ethnic features, at least cast someone who isn't so popular...
by the way if anyone wants to hatewatch this, at least pirate it. boycott it even
Nolan’s Odyssey thoughts. I brought in a notebook and filled 9.5 pages of scribbled thoughts throughout the three hours I was suffering. I hated this movie and I really tried to go into it with an open mind as much as possible and damn it really sucks. This movie really put the no in nostos.
(obviously spoilers ahead)
Random big thoughts
This movie felt like it was made for high school English teachers to show but then 95% of the way through making it, they were like actually nevermind and added in some f-bombs and a few (like 2-3 nonsexual nudity) shots of asses to solve the problem.
Odysseus hates the gods and at times barely believes in them, but also refuses to push back against anything that could be seen as a prophecy. It’s so fucking weird because it’s equivalent to a modern atheist being like “Christianity is dumb and probably a crock of bullshit, also don’t lie because it’s a sin and God will be mad”.
I wrote this down verbatim, “An Odysseus that hesitates about returning to Ithaca is like the sun hesitating to rise” and I do believe I cooked with that. Same is true with a Penelope that doubts Odysseus and a Telemachus that doesn’t need a father, which this movie has.
Here’s the thing, up until Odysseus lands in Ithaca, the movie is fine. It isn’t good, it isn’t horrific, it’s a little cringe and a little irritating for me as an enjoyer of the Odyssey, but it wasn’t bad. If I turned off my brain from know-it-all Greek mythology enjoyer Asha to action movie enjoyer Asha, I think I could have had a decent time. However, it all falls apart when Odysseus returns home, any ounce of characterization is crushed to bits and it just sucks and makes no sense. Reminder, I honestly enjoyed the Troy: Fall of a City miniseries so accuracy is not always my hill to die on but god, I would like the hill to at least be in eyesight.
Random little thoughts (in no order)
UGLYYYYYYY ass costumes like I knew they were bad but it’s such an eyesore. There was not a single outfit that I was like “that looks nice”.
This is one of the first movies I’ve ever seen where I wanted MORE gore and MORE things that made me sick to my stomach. Like, show me Odysseus’s men starving, show me blood spraying down when men are taken by Scylla, show me more soldiers drowning.
They massacred the characterization of every woman (fork found in kitchen, Nolan can’t write women, but still)
There’s a lot of things in this film that changing from poem to movie was pointless. My most memorable example of this being that Eumaeus is visually impaired, Eumaeus also at one point says Odysseus was like a son to him. These aren’t huge deals and don’t affect the plot but to those amongst us who enjoy the Odyssey, it’s just annoying.
Iphigenia is sacrificed by Agamemnon before Odysseus leaves Ithaca?????????
There’s a lot of time and plot spent centered on Argos (yeah the dog).
Odysseus only has 3 ships the whole film, holyyyyy budget cuts.
On Calypso’s island, Odysseus forgets everything because she keeps drugging him with lotus flowers. He doesn’t remember how he got to her island, doesn’t remember his family or Ithaca until she like… weans him off and he starts to remember that. He basically feels none of the time pass.
Half of Helen’s face is physically scarred from the Trojan War, it’s implied that Menelaus mutilated her. There’s a disgusting line where Menelaus says, “this is the face that launched a thousand ships, although now it would maybe be five-hundred.” GROSS
The Laestrygonians look like cybermen and no I will not elaborate.
There is a scene where Athena’s temple is destroyed in Troy and it’s implied that whatever happens to the temple, happens to the god. (like a soldier wacks off Athena’s statue’s head, it switches to a scene of Athena being held down and nearly decapitated) It’s a neat idea but in a movie where the gods are ridiculed by the main character, it just doesn’t work.
No Achilles or Anticleia in the underworld SIGHHH
No Nestor or Peisistratus SIGGGGGHHHHHH they hate to see yappers represented.
Telemachus and Odysseus’s reunion is so ass, like there’s no bout of emotional resonance at all, they’re two worlds apart.
Telemachus sucks as a character Tom Holland you are British how did you make Telemachus so fucking American. No one talk to me about Telemachus he sucked so fucking bad in this movie.
No wedding bed anything insane and might I add fucking crazy. Again, this is classic Odyssey stuff.
At the end of the movie, Odysseus and Penelope travel west(?) and leave Telemachus as king of Ithaca, to honor the fallen soldiers. This is the Greek mythology equivalent of retired American couples moving to Florida I think.
The Cyclops
The cyclops doesn’t speak to Odysseus (the men don’t even know it’s a sentient being until after they stab it in the eye) which means we get no “Nobody” scene which is already a travesty because I fear that’s classic Odysseus. And I do feel like the cyclops being more of a monster ruins the whole point of it being about breaking xenia. If Polyphemus is just an unnamed monster, what makes him any different from Scylla or Charybdis???
Small thing to be pissy about but to get past the cyclops they tied hay to their back instead of hanging from the bellies of the sheep.
We also get no scene of hubris from Odysseus, again this is classic Odysseus.
The Suitors
Antinous called beggar Odysseus a “platelicker” and then after a few times I swear on my life he said “platelicka” it was insane and I wish I was joking
This movie creates a lot of Antinous lore that I think is fairly unnecessary since Antinous already had lore (Eupiethes’s pirate background) but let me explain the Antinous lore to the best of my memory.
So Odysseus holds a lottery for his army. A young Antinous and a younger Sinon draw lots and Antinous draws the lot that indicates he will fight. Sinon, maybe 13 years old, swaps their lots because he wants to go to war with Odysseus. Antinous (probably 16-18 years old) tries to protest but Odysseus won’t let them change back. Antinous interprets this as “Odysseus knew he might not come back and wanted me to be in charge of Ithaca”.
Penelope is in the hall right before Odysseus starts killing, inaccurate but why I mention this here is because she doesn’t let Melantho come with the women to safety. She leaves her in the hall to die in the slaughter. Now if you know me you know I am an Melantho ENJOYER and so I hate to see my girl done badly (maybe the Melantho shit will be it’s own rant).
Antinous x Melantho I CALLED THAT THEY WOULD DO THAT A YEAR AGO
In the end, Odysseus doesn’t kill all the suitors (although he does kill Antinous). Insane because to make things right in Ithaca Odysseus HAS to kill the suitors. It’s the reason that he kills the 12 disloyal maids in the poem because if they live, they represent his own failures blah blah blah whatever I hate it here.
The gods (or lack of)
Athena is the only god with form we see and I’m going to be real honest with you, I didn’t have the brain power to try to figure out what was going on with her.
Zeus does destroy the ship after the sun god’s cows thing and let me just say if you can’t handle flashing lights this is not ur film because the lightning goes CRAZY and not in a good interesting way but in a “my retinas are burned out” way.
No Hermes and no Aeolus sorry my plot scaffolding kings.
“Asha, did you like anything in this movie?”
Probably surprising but yes. When Odysseus’s men are turned to pigs by Circe, she has to physically mold them from man to pigs so she like… rips their hair out and pulls their ears and pushes up their noses until they turn to pigs which was so fucking fascinating to me. I hated the Circe scenes with her and Odysseus but goddamn Nolan you cooked with that body horror. Like, if the ending of this movie wasn’t hot garbage I would recommend it for that scene alone.
I also thought the scenes pre-Trojan war in Ithaca were cute, newlywed OdyPen and Odysseus being like a father figure to the younger men of Ithaca (maybe 2 mins of screen time altogether, not much to write home about but I enjoyed the scraps we got).
Soundtrack was good occasionally
That’s all I wanna write about for now. Who wants to start a GoFundMe for Homer to get a gun and a time machine to kill Nolan?
ALSO ODYSSEUS LITERALLY JUST GOES TO TROY HE JUST GOESSSSSSSS they don’t even TRY to put baby telemachus in the paper shredder he just dips without a fuss. they change odysseus hanging the maids to penelope kicking melantho out for girlboss reasons and they TOOK AWAY MY BAG OF WIND #mybagofwind they also took away the dipshit that falls off of circe’s roof and dies. deeply shallow meaningless movie.
In light of the Odyssey movie coming out this is my formal PSA that Helen of Troy is actually Helen of Sparta, Troy is the city she was stolen and brought to. The entire Trojan war is the Greeks trying to get her back from Troy, because she is from Sparta. I feel like we all collectively forget this.
Reasons to boycott Nolan's The Odyssey (that I know of so far):
They shot in the illegally occupied Western Sahara as reported by Middle East Eye (thanks to @fuckyeahdavidandyonatan for bringing that up)
They dumped their props into a protected area of the Italian sea after shooting (thanks to @godslop for finding the article in English)
Zendaya wearing looted 3000 years old Iranian earrings for the premiere of the movie + having her stylist fly on a private jet just to get her a dress for the premiere in London
No Greek actors in a movie about Greek heritage
While people mentioned that Anne Hathaway was flown in to the set every day, apparently it was not on a private jet but on a helicopter that was being used anyway to fly in equipment.
None of these things are new in Hollywood or exclusive to the Odyssey, its director or its actors, but I do think we as audience should start holding Hollywood accountable when it disrespects our culture, heritage, environment, especially when it's movies that are this big and have a huge budged that would allow for more conscious choices.
I MISS HIM TOO. in the tempest-lubelius cultural exchange arc, rimuru only brings shion, ranga, and diablo with him so FUCK WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE HIM FOR A WHILE 😭🙏
So the thing is boobs really do be jiggling. If having breasts has taught me anything it is that the ladies frolic. I don't even have that large of boobs but every time I go down some stairs all I can think about is that stupid quote about boobing breastily down the stairs or whatever it is because God Damn.
But anime and video game boob jiggling is like. The most uncanny valley shit I've ever seen nine times out of ten. You would think people this horny about tits would have actually looked at some but I guess not.
What we really need is some pervert to compile the ultimate visual guide to boob bouncing physics that's just like 500 hours of meticulously organized videos of breasts of different size and shape and under different fabrics bouncing around from a wide variety of physical movements so horny game devs can finally get it right and I don't have to be creeped out by women who appear to have surgically implanted softballs in their chest under skin made of rubber bands.
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