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I turn 40 today.

I don’t know how to feel about it. I’ve been struggling a lot with thinking in general lately. My creative drive is completely gone. I actually kind of hate my own artwork. It’s a constant battle trying to get away from thinking so negatively about my own work. I used to draw every Sunday and I guess it felt good at the time. I did it for quite a long time. My psychiatrist called me an artist and I went to college for it so my art is my identity.

I think back to my childhood and I’m sad now. I apparently hid from the other kids in Sunday school before I ever started kindergarten. Other kids were loud. I don’t even remember doing that but I did have one friend. He was a neighbor kid so I knew him outside of church. I don’t even remember his last name or anything super specific about him. We moved to Crete when I was six. I started school at a DoDDS school on the Iraklion Air Force Base (it was a kindergarten to 12th grade school) and had a few friends. I never expected to live in Crete forever, so when we moved to Wyoming I wasn’t going to really miss my friends. I got used to the idea of never seeing another person again. I did see one kid from our time in Crete in sixth grade when we moved (halfway through the school year—I was still in elementary school and we moved to Virginia where they have middle schools instead of junior high so all of a sudden I had to learn how to time manage use of a locker) from Wyoming to Virginia.

That was confusing and I meant to say that I never reconnected with him, really. We said hi to each other but that’s about it. The knowledge that I’m not the only kid with a decent portion of their life including a Host Nation class where we learned about Greek mythology and cool cultural history and practices at school is comforting in a way. I still have the donkey shoe that I got from the blacksmith we visited on a field trip. I’m not the only kid who had the experience of digging for fossils in the mountain. I chickened out about going to the aquarium in kindergarten because I was terrified of octopuses and the teacher I already had trust issues with because she read us Ms. Nelson is Missing and then actually dressed up and acted like the teacher in the book one day. I don’t remember how it happened but I was allowed to stay by myself with a student teacher supervising me while everyone else went to the aquarium and had an awesome time. Good for them—the octopus would have made me have an anxiety attack. I already had an incredibly vivid ability to recall images and the photo I’d seen of an octopus made me too scared to see one moving around on its own.

That got to be a bit of a tangent. This is how I’ve been thinking lately. I’m having a hard time finding the right words to describe it.

So I’m sad that I felt like I had to hide from people my own age at church and sad that I moved in the middle of sixth grade and was suddenly in middle school when I was just getting used to having my day split between two main teachers and now I had to split my day up even more between so many more people. I’m sad my bad memories are more concrete and memorable than my good memories. I am glad for the experience of living in Crete because I got to see so much more of the world as a child. I had my eyes opened early on—I grew up within a very diverse group of kids at DoDDS. Wyoming wasn’t anything like it.

So I’m 40 today and I’m thinking about the past. I miss Arthur. I wish I could kiss his cheek and rub his ears again. I miss that dog so much and keep remembering his last moments. He jerked his paw out of the vet’s hand when the vet went to inject the sedative in the catheter they’d just placed. I thought I’d lost the ability to have a memory this vivid. But he’d been in constant pain for years and was losing the use of his back legs on top of hypothyroidism so he was defecating without control and had some symptoms of dementia. But the way he jerked away from the needle is so vivid. I wish dogs lived longer—15 is old for a dog but it’s not enough time. Knowing that dogs don’t live forever was an early lesson for me. I was five when my first dog (who was part of the family before me) Lucky had to be put down. I was sad about it then but understood death.

Wow. That was a lot. I go radio silent for months and then pour my heart out on my birthday.

My friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I still don’t have an answer. I got money from Nana that’s going to tattoos. That’s all I can think of. I quit shopping for stuff online so much.

I got a cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes (lemon) and my folks are getting me lunch from a local restaurant that I’ve been thinking of trying.

#jenn gets personal #happy birthday to me #40 years

quicksilvermad

We’re coming for you all day, Caesar.

#ides of march #julius caesar #karl urban

zero1infinity

tsukiyamas

why does this have 32k notes? it’s just a picture of a knife in a ranch bottle, is there some unspoken joke that 32 thousand people share? what is going on here, i dont get it. it’s just a fucking picture of a knife in a ranch bottle. is there some spiritual connection people have to this picture? is there some ominous and mystical reasoning that this has 32 thousand notes? do people reblog this because it makes them look like some indie blogger? or is there just something funny to this? someone please explain

diggly

no one tell him

#ides of march

I got a Blu-ray player that has a screen for Christmas and I’ve yet to watch anything on it. I have season three of The Mandalorian on disc but I have to be in the mood to watch it all and it’s a struggle to watch anything on a screen bigger than my phone what with the way they edit things nowadays. I watched Sinners on Christmas Eve and it took me a while to recover even though I watched it on my laptop and it’s only the flashing in the opening scene that really pinged my brain.

Other than that, I’ve watched everything on my phone so my eyes aren’t moving around as much. And I haven’t watched much of anything besides news.

I haven’t been in the mood to watch anything at all. I watched Sinners because my friend and I have a tradition of watching a movie we haven’t seen on Christmas Eve and usually she picks it.

I’m not doing well. Last month I tried ketamine infusions for my depression and I had about 45 minutes worth of pain relief twice a week for three weeks. It didn’t really do anything for the depression and now my constant headache is more noticeable now that I can remember what less pain feels like. I live in bed because the pain is more bearable if I’m lying down on my side. I tried taking three Tylenol earlier and it did nothing. I don’t know why I thought that would be any different today.

I know why I’m depressed. Childhood trauma combined with chronic pain as well as coping with the loss of my dog. I’ve lost interest in things that used to matter to me. I’ve got this massive library of movies and TV shows and a new Blu-ray player and no desire to watch anything.

I’m tired of existing. I don’t want to be here. I know that’s dangerous thinking but it’s how I feel. I’ve been in pain since 2014 and I’m tired of it. I’ve had pain management doctors give up on me and I’ve been dealing with this headache for so long without relief. I spent each of those ketamine infusions listening to the Twin Peaks soundtrack and trying to focus on how my head felt. Pressure eased for the duration of the infusions and it returned just as bad as before when the IV was dry. Getting an IV twice a week was frustrating when trying to find a good vein. They asked me to journal about my experience and I couldn’t describe what I went through. They emailed me a form to fill out after my first infusion and I never could write my responses out.

I didn’t see anything (I can’t really visualize things clearly—I “see” mostly an outline if I’m imagining something) or experience anything beyond feeling high and that ease of pressure in my headache.

I’d seen posts from people who said ketamine infusions made their suicidal thoughts go away. That didn’t happen to me. To be fair, I’ve had these thoughts since I was nine years old. They aren’t going to go away easily.

It doesn’t help that Arthur is gone. I was getting up despite the headache to go cuddle him. Gobo was confused for a little while after we left him at home to take Arthur to the vet that last time. We came home without his friend. For a few days, he kept looking for Arthur. Gobo is a miniature poodle and he’s too small to hug the way I hugged Arthur.

I miss my dog.

I’ve lost interest in things I used to really care about. Ketamine didn’t help. I’d tried lithium as well and all that did was give me tremors. I’m not sure where to go from here. I can’t order any delta-8 products to prevent my migraines because no one will ship to Texas anymore. I’m about to have no option for pain relief.

I don’t know if I can do another round with pain management. Especially not after their idea of treating a constant headache with a crazy NSAID as needed. I ended up with an ulcer half the size of my stomach. I nearly bled to death. I’ve lost trust—it didn’t help that every time I had an appointment with pain management it was with a new doctor. I didn’t see the same person twice. I don’t remember any of their names.

I haven’t been to the regular doctor in a long time. I don’t have any other health worries and I just don’t trust that a doctor will believe me when I say I’ve had a headache since January of 2014 when I got a concussion. After the ulcer, I quit taking any NSAIDs because they did jack shit to help me and I didn’t want to risk it anymore. I tried a sphenopalatine ganglion block and all that did was make me taste lidocaine for the rest of the day (they stuff long cotton swabs entirely up your nostrils like a COVID test and drip lidocaine down them) and that was pain management’s last idea for me.

I see my psychiatrist every month. Maybe she’ll have another treatment option for me for the depression.

Overall, I’m stuck. I’m stuck feeling empty and not wanting to watch things I’d normally enjoy. I haven’t written anything in months and I can’t bring myself to read anything I’ve written to get back in the mood. It doesn’t help that I straight up don’t like some of the fic I wrote. I haven’t been drawing or crocheting. I’ve been watching the news and feeling like the world is crumbling.

I turn 40 in a few months.

I’m not in the mood to celebrate.

#jenn gets personal #depression #post concussion syndrome

Arthur is gone. He was fifteen years old and had symptoms of dementia on top of his arthritis and hypothyroidism.

The vet gave us a donut to give Arthur after they put the catheter in his leg. They must have microwaved it because it was warm when I tore it up for him. He’d never had anything like icing and sprinkles before.

I’m very sad. This is the hardest part of owning a dog.

#jenn gets personal #arthur #australian kelpie

I’m worried about my dog.

Arthur’s knees aren’t doing so well. He can’t jump anymore. We have to carry him up and down the stairs. We have to lift him on and off the sofa.

He’s 15 years old.

Pretty soon he won’t be able to hold himself upright when he defecates. Urinating is a difficult balancing act. It’s getting to the point where my folks are talking about the right time to put him down.

Arthur has hypothyroidism. We found out after a health scare earlier in the year when his left eye started to swell and the vet also discovered an abscess in one of his teeth.

He’s doing okay on his medications. It’s just that he’s standing more like a German shepherd now that his arthritis has gotten so bad. He’s on pain meds. I guess they work because sometimes he tries to run around in the backyard but he’s mostly using his front legs. His run is more of a bunny hop. Every day just feels like a day closer to him not being able to stand on all four legs.

It’s on my mind constantly.

Jester has been on my mind as well. He had hip dysplasia and did a lot of physical therapy. Right before we moved, he fell down the stairs and was attacked by one of our other dogs while he was recovering on the landing. We got her off of him quickly enough that she never broke his skin with her teeth, but he still couldn’t stand for long anymore. He quit eating and didn’t drink water. I remember his gums being pale. We had to put him down and I remember saying goodbye to him before I headed to work. My boss asked me why I was so subdued and when I told him my dog was being euthanized and he sent me home. The vet had done a plaster cast of Jester’s paw print. It got broken during the move. All I have left of him are puppy teeth and a tattoo of one of my favorite photos of him.

I love dogs. I hate this part. The part where you have to consider quality of life and how much pain the dog is in. Arthur can’t exactly tell me when he’s hurting. He does bark in a frustrated-sounding way when getting helped onto the sofa, but he’ll grumble bark before anyone can even touch him. He doesn’t bark when I pick him up to carry him down the stairs. He never snaps at anyone or acts protective about his legs no matter how much I think he must be hurting.

Overall, Arthur is an old dog whose joint health is in decline despite supplements. The conversation about euthanasia keeps coming up and I’m not ready to lose him. He’s 15 but he’s still my puppy.

Arthritis sucks.

#jenn gets personal #arthur #australian kelpie #dogs

Just checking in because you've been off the grid so long. I hope you're doing better.

I’m not doing so well. I’ve changed medications since my last post. No more Latuda—it wasn’t doing anything but make me really conscious about calories while still having no appetite (you need to take it with at least 350 calories worth of food). Food was starting to become repulsive. I’m on a medication meant for restless leg syndrome and Parkinson’s that can apparently be used to treat depression now. It’s too early to tell what it’s doing for me. It’s at such a low dose that I’m not sure if I will even notice a difference.

I’ve lost interest in pretty much everything to the point where I’m apathetic about it all. I don’t care about writing or watching movies. Writing is difficult because it’s so hard to put my thoughts into words. Talking is even harder because I can’t edit myself if something isn’t making sense.

I did dye my hair recently to try and see if changing my appearance even slightly would help. Nope. I just feel empty. And drained. It took a lot out of me to lighten my hair twice and dye it a kind of greyish purple. The purple isn’t as noticeable to me and I lack the willpower to dye it a fourth time to get the lavender I was going for.

I’m aware I’m in a deep depression. I have therapy every Tuesday and I see my psychiatrist every month. The perpetual headache doesn’t help—I can’t do much because of it. Lying down in a dark room is the only way I can cope with it.

I’m very tired.

#jenn gets personal #asks answered #depression #post concussion syndrome

I’m not doing so well on Latuda.

Every morning is a struggle to get out of bed to grab something to eat with my medication. I’ll have to fight with myself for over an hour to get up. And I’m worryingly apathetic to things that used to interest me. I feel very blank.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday.

I’m so tired of having a headache. The only pain relief I get happens if I’m horizontal and I’m in the dark. It still hurts—it’s just less noticeable if I’m lying on my side.

My therapist has noticed that I’m having more trouble holding a thought. I feel like, cognitively, I’m declining. Writing is so much harder now. Putting my thoughts into words is difficult because there are so many holes in those thoughts. My memory is shot. I feel like the only memories I make are the traumatic ones.

Since 2014 I’ve lost track of time. I only remember that my ulcer happened in 2019 because it was before The Mandalorian aired and I was still talking about Shudder with the nurse who spilled blood all over me. I can’t remember what year I ended up in the behavioral health clinic on a 72 hour hold. 2023? I’m not sure. Time had no meaning there—there were no clocks and I genuinely don’t know how many days I was in the facility. I vaguely remember being told they don’t release people on the weekend and staying longer.

Having done that, I now know an inpatient facility would make me worse. I was in so much pain and so overstimulated that I felt like a raw nerve. The food made me sick.

I don't leave the house very often. I go to therapy every week, but otherwise I rarely go out. The most I'll do is the very occasional trip up the block to the mailbox and back. I don't drive anymore because of how I can't focus on more than one thing at a time. There's so much you have to pay attention to while you're driving. It gets a bit overwhelming.

Sometimes I wonder if I have ADHD. I've got sensory problems that I've dealt with long before my TBI happened. My brain doesn't shut up—I've always got something stuck in my head. I can hear everything all the time and it gets painful. Certain textures give me the ick. Like microfiber cloth. I can't stand touching it because it feels like it's snagging on the grooves of my fingerprints. When I was a kid I wore my watch on my dominant wrist because it became a barrier between my skin and whatever paper I was writing or drawing on.

I've been prescribed Adderall before but all that did was make me sweat profusely. I can’t remember how I felt taking it beyond being so annoyed by the sweat. Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if my brain was quiet.

#jenn gets personal #latuda #depression #post concussion syndrome

sorrynopiforyou

sorry if i'm gonna be quiet for a while. my country recently introduced laws that make it so that in order to use social media to the fullest (not being able to view ns/fw content and in a few cases, not even having access to dms), i HAVE to give the sites my id/face scan.

it goes into effect july 25th. it'll probably effect here too, since this place allows mature content (tho not full on ns/fw)

i'm very distressed about it bc i might end up not even being able to talk to my internet friends. i don't really have any irl ones

if i have to disappear on most socials by then, you know why.

sorrynopiforyou

if you're in the uk like i am there IS a petition to sign on the official gov petitions website asking to consider repealing this law. it currently has almost 8k signatures and needs 10k in order for the government to even acknowledge it (and 100k for them to debate it)

idk if i can post it here but please... go sign it! and go write to your local mp if possible. they need to realize how dangerous this law is going to be for uk citizens online. it doesn't protect children, it's just privacy invading AND a huge security risk to boot

sorrynopiforyou

and if you are NOT in the uk, spread the word around! especially let any uk moots you know about it

cosmiccatboyfriend

We want the Government to repeal the Online Safety act.

IF YOU ARE A BRITISH CITIZEN OR UK RESIDENT ONLY PLEASE CONSIDER SIGNING!!!

#signal boost #uk politics

You have to take Latuda with food. At least 350 calories.

I don’t ever look at food labels. I am not looking forward to counting calories when I take my medication. I don’t like thinking about food. I hate the process of chewing and swallowing because I don’t like the way things feel in my mouth. For instance, the other day I had mac and cheese and I got halfway through it before the texture disgusted me. This used to be a “safe” food for me. I ate the whole bowl, but I hated it.

I know this is a problem. I already don’t feel hungry like you’re supposed to and I tend to graze during the day because I know I have to eat.

I drink meal replacement shakes because they’re easy, but that’s only 180 calories. I’ll have to eat a few things with it every morning.

Anyway, Latuda takes a few weeks to work. Hopefully I can eat enough to make it do that. I’m really bad at this.

#jenn gets personal #latuda #depression #tw calories

fairycosmos

it’s completely acceptable to stay alive for tiny reasons. because you want to hear your favorite song one more time. because your dog will miss you if you leave. because the moon is just too pretty to never see again. because you haven’t seen the next season of a really good tv show. because you want to see the christmas lights this year. if you’re alive, you’re doing enough. if you’re surviving, i’m proud of you.

saresin

oh!!!!!!!!!

spamming a ton of tags for awareness

tanjir0se

Hi, this isn’t true!

That number is for the Trans Lifeline, which serves the US and Canada, so it still could potentially be a good resource!!!

The claim followed revelations that the Trump admin planned to eliminate specialized services for suicide prevention among LGBTQ+ youth.

Also, it’s worth noting that the National Suicide Hotline at 998 will still be functional, but LGBT counselors from the Trevor Project will no longer be reachable by this number as they previously were. The good news is you can call them directly!

The Trevor Project hotline: 1-866-488-7386

You can also message them by texting START to 678-679

#signal boost #lgbtqia #suicide hotline #the trevor project

✨✨ send this to other bloggers that you think are wonderful. keep the game going, make someone smile!!! 😘

#asks answered

hoofpeet

#going through this right now #mac and cheese

hellbabyfromhell

are you ever scrolling through tumblr and you have a thought and immediately lose it so you have to scroll back up to give your brain the conditions under which it originally created the thought so you can bring it back

#frequently #tumblr things #memory problems