“I thought that because he was not hitting me, he was not abusing me — but he was.”
Lizzie, a Planned Parenthood patient, writes:
I lived far from my family for seven years. I got married during that time, and my son was born shortly thereafter. I would never have used the word at the time, but my husband abused me from day one. He belittled me, isolated me from family and friends, forbade me from leaving the house, and took away my control of my own finances.
He was an alcoholic and would shout at me for suggesting he address the problem. I felt unsafe, small, and powerless every day. I witnessed him physically and verbally assault children in our family. I thought that because he was not hitting me, he was not abusing me — but he was.
In 2015, I returned to my home town with my toddler son to find work here, expecting to bring my husband with me soon after my arrival. As we spent more time apart, I began to realize how much better my life was without him, and was shocked when people I met liked me. Regardless, I was convinced that we had just been having a rough patch and that I needed to toughen up.
During our marriage, my husband was personally offended if I ever wanted to have an appointment to be tested for STDs, despite the fact that I was almost certain he was having sex with other women. When I came home, I decided to make an appointment for the STD testing that I had been forbidden from getting. I went to the only place I knew I could go hassle free: Planned Parenthood.
At my appointment the nurse asked, “Do you feel safe at home?”
I burst into tears on the spot. I realized that I DID feel safe at home — for the first time in years. The thought of him joining me and my son filled me with dread and fear.
The nurse asked me what was going on, and listened to what I had to say. She encouraged me to get help, and to find a good therapist. She took me seriously, which nobody else had done. She made me realize that my experience was real, my feelings were real, and the abuse that I experienced was real. Now, two and a half years later, I am divorced, and am dealing with the PTSD that I was diagnosed with shortly after that appointment.
The emotional and verbal abuse that Lizzie experienced is a form of domestic violence (sometimes called intimate partner violence). Sexual and reproductive control, like preventing someone from getting health care, is also a form of domestic violence. Sexual and reproductive control includes things like:
preventing you from getting health care, like STD tests
forcing your partner to have sex, or do something they don’t want to do sexually
threatening to break up with someone if they don’t have sex with you
having sex with someone who is too drunk or too high to consent to having sex
refusing to wear a condom, or pressuring your partner not to use one
hiding or throwing out birth control
taking off or purposely breaking condoms (AKA stealthing)
lying about using birth control
threatening a partner who doesn’t want to get pregnant
forcing a partner to have an abortion when they don’t want to
forcing a partner to carry a pregnancy to term when they want to have an abortion
All of these actions prevent you from making decisions about your own body — and all of them are abusive behaviors.
If you’ve experienced sexual or reproductive control in your relationship, or any other kind of abuse, you’re not alone, and there’s help available. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or if you’re a teen, check out Love Is Respect. Or, like Lizzie, your local Planned Parenthood health center may be able to help you find the best resources for you in your area. Planned Parenthood health centers also offer birth control methods that are private, like the implant and shot, as well as STD and pregnancy testing.
If you’re worried about someone in your life who may be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is also a great resource to help you figure out how to help.
