FELICITY: So. Welcome home.
F: Are you glad to be home?
F: That was a long time at your dad’s this time. Did you have a good time?
F: Want to cheers our sugar free fudge pops?
F; Your dad and I used to cheers our food. One time, at our rehearsal dinner for our wedding, we cheers-ed our hamburgers and my aunt yelled out, “I’ve never seen that before in my life!” It was kind of funny, but anyway. I’m glad you’re home.
F: So, we’re not going to play catch-up. We missed four questions and one topic. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. That’s too much to catch up on.
F: Tonight’s topic is “Living with mentally ill family.” I picked that topic.
F: So, what is your experience growing up with mentally ill family?
A: I’m going to say this again: your mental illness hasn’t affected me that much.
F: Except my irritability.
F: The majority of my family is undiagnosed. It runs pretty deep, ranging from severe psychotic bipolar disorder to depression to OCD. My paternal side, especially. Ninety-nine percent of it undiagnosed, but it has caused a lot of painful memories, and an unpleasant childhood. For me, the worst part about that is denial.The fact that some people, not going to name names, but some people deny that the bad stuff happened. To them, life was great and normal.
A: It’s probably because for them, it was another day in the life.
F: It’s also because mental illness comes with delusions. They have delusions that everything was great. But even when I was small, I knew it wasn’t. And now that I look back on it, I know it definitely wasn’t, and it screwed me up for a long time.
F: Still, somehow, finding out you had a mental illness shocked me! It shouldn’t have, but it did. I can look at almost every family member on that side, and know that they all have something going on. Even down to me, and my brother, we both have something going on.
F: So, my experience growing up with mentally ill parent or parents. What’s the word I’m looking for? Traumatic? Like what you told me one time, what is it? CPTSD?
F: Complex PTSD. Yeah. I definitely think that’s something. There was never money. When there was money, there was wild spending. There wasn’t money because there was wild spending. We never had a stable place to live.
A: You can relate to that in two different experiences.
F: I can relate in many different ways.
F: We didn’t have a place to live sometimes. Everything was always somebody else’s fault. Vacations were taken when rent should’ve been paid. We came home from vacation to eviction notices. There was a lot of instability. There was a lot of anger. There was a lot of instability in mood. I never knew. I would walk home from school and see the car in the driveway and be terrified because I didn’t know what I was walking in to. Was it going to be fine? Or was it going to be traumatic? The moods were all over the place. I didn’t know.
F: I feel like it wasn’t just that, though. On the other side of my family, my other parent used their illness to slowly kill themselves. Death by installment plan. There was instability there. Definitely, when someone uses their physical illness to try to end their life, that is mentally unwell. Putting a 13-14 year old in the position of taking care of a grown adult because they were purposefully neglecting their health is pretty shitty. So, there were a lot of factors in my childhood that made growing up with mentally ill parents very very unpleasant.
A: You having depression, I don’t think it’s affected me negatively that much. If anything, we can relate, because you know how to deal with things in a healthy way. You know how to cope healthily. You know what’s going on when I’m in a depressive phase. We almost bond over it.It’s weird.
F: We bond over weird things sometimes. Like, mental health. I don’t feel like I cope with my mental illness in a healthy way. Which, is why I weigh as much as I do.
F: I have terrible coping mechanisms. Granted, it could be worse, but it’s still not healthy. But I do want to teach you how to cope in a healthy way. I feel like I’ve passed the food addiction trait on to you, though.
A: You have, which, is why I weigh as much as I do.
F: Partially. Your bipolar meds aren’t helping any.
A: I don’t use it as a coping mechanism. I just love food. Unless it’s an unconscious thing. I don’t even know. I don’t think I have anything to cope with, really. I mean, my bipolar is just there. It’s like, it does affect me negatively, but how do you cope with that? It’s just anger and then it’s over. There’s nothing to cope with.
F: I guess it’s at this point, I feel good that I haven’t traumatized you into needing unhealthy coping tools.
F; Do you eat when you’re angry? Do you have the urge to eat then?
A: No. Not at all. I’m repulsed by food when I’m angry. I have the urge to eat when I’m bored.
F: That’s a lot of people. I never thought about it like that. I turn to food for every single thing. Happy. Sad. Angry. Celebrating. Anything.
A: When I’m angry I’m thinking about not being angry. I’m thinking about fighting with you to get you to see my side. It’s either you or the boys that make me angry. Mostly you. I don’t even end up making that argument, it just passes.
F: You don’t eat to stop being angry.
A: I don’t. I lose my appetite.
F; We’ll have to talk about coping mechanisms in another topic. Where were we when we got off on that?
F; Yeah, I totally do not cope in a healthy way.
A: I never thought about you using eating as a coping mechanism.
F: Oh yeah. But I was raised that way. I was raised to fix everything with food. Food was the center of everything. You fix the good. You fix the bad. It doesn’t matter what it is, food is involved. I fully believe my parents are food addicts. I mean, I’ve been dieting since I was twelve. I started gaining weight when I was about eight years old, when some really real shit started going down and I used food to deal with it. So, I don’t think I cope healthily.
A: I feel like most of your aggression isn’t tied to your depression. You don’t seem very depressed. There’s aggression on a daily basis. Like, on a daily basis, you’ll get mad at me for stuff I don’t really understand. You get mad at me for getting frustrated, and I can’t really help it.
F; I will correct you and say, I don’t get mad at you for getting frustrated. I get mad at the way you act. I’m not even mad at you. You’re not going to be able to throw tantrums when you’re at your job or whatever, so you’re going to have to learn to control how you act. That’s all I’m doing. I hear what you’re saying, though.
F: Aggression is one hundred percent part of depression.
A: I know that aggression is a symptom of depression, but I don’t think you’re depressed every single day of your life.
F: Oh, no, I am. Totally. One hundred percent, I am.
F: Every single day. I always feel depression every single day. Even on medication.
A: So, there’s no, like, stability?
F: The stability is depression. It is always there. I used to tell your dad, when we were married, I don’t know what happiness feels like. I can imitate it, but I’ve never felt it.
A: I’m taking a big sip of my tea and trying to process this.
A: I didn’t know. I guess it’s true. I guess there’s not a time when you’re not affected by your mental illness, but for me, it’s either drastic mania or drastic depression or stability. I thought everybody with mental illness had that stability.
F: I feel depression every single day. That is my stability.
A: I guess I feel the effects of mania every day. Because my thoughts are never not racing. When I’m manic, they’re racing more, but I feel like other people’s thoughts move slower.
F: Mine do. That’s why I move slowly and talk slowly. My brain is moving slower than yours.
A: Do you think when I was younger and I had that stutter, it was because my brain was moving so much faster because of my mental illness? Everybody said it was because I was smart, but now, I don’t know.
F: It’s possible. I don’t know, because I don’t know anything about racing thoughts. I know you have them, but I don’t know what it’s like to have them. That is a symptom of some mental and behavioral issues, but I don’t have experience with it. I never have racing thoughts, ever.
F: My brain moves Oklahoma slow. No offense to any fellow Okies, but for real.
F: So, back on topic, the aggression and irritability I feel also comes from pretty severe anxiety. Which, since five years ago, I’ve been working my butt off to overcome.
A: Yeah, and you’ve gotten a lot better.
F: I’ve done, what’s it called? Exposure therapy? Putting myself in those positions that I was afraid of, and realizing they’re not as bad as I thought they’d be.
A: You’ve gotten yourself out of your comfort zone. And no one can get you out of your comfort zone except you. You should never be forced out of your comfort zone. Like, my friends are always trying to push me out of my comfort zone, but that’s not really their place.
F: Yeah, well, I forced myself out of my comfort zones and my anxiety has improved tremendously. But anxiety is still a huge source of aggression and irritability, and I know that the irritability affects you. You may not know when I’m super depressed or whatever.
A: It’s because you hide it.
F: Or maybe it’s what you’re used to.
A: You notice when I’m depressed, though.
F: I do. I see it in everybody. I’m so overly aware of everybody’s emotions.
A: It honesty sucks that I get mania way more than depression because I’d rather have depression than mania.
A: Because when I’m manic...nevermind, It’s hard to explain.
F: I don’t know, I guess from a Major Depressive standpoint, depression fucking sucks
A: Depression fucking sucks, but it sucks less than mania.
F: I don’t know, having it every day and having it bog me down, sucks. You know better than I do, the two poles. I know one of them and I know how much I’ve suffered with it. I know self harm and suicide is a big factor in that one. I have experiences with those. It’s not an area that I want you or anybody else to experience.
A: I guess I live with mania everyday. That’s why I’m on an antipsychotic and not an antidepressant. Because the mania greatly overpowers the depression.
F: Definitely. That’s why you’re Bipolar 1. Because you are far more manic than you are depressed. From an MDD standpoint, I’d love to have some mania every once in a while. I feel like I’d have more energy. I’d get stuff done. I wouldn’t be trodding through the rain so much.
F: However, I do know that mania comes with a lot of risky behaviors. If I were to have bouts of mania, I’d probably be pretty broke. I’m pretty good with my money right now. And I probably wouldn’t have some of the relationships that I do. I feel like maybe because of my depression, or because of the childhood I had, I’m pretty empathetic towards other people, and people like that.
A: Compassion is one of the best traits you can have. There’s nothing better than a person who understands. Like, I would consider myself a compassionate person. I’m pretty understanding.
F: One thing that I envy about you though. You have compassion now that you’re medicated. You didn’t have compassion when you were younger and that broke my heart. I used to think you were a sociopath.
A: I think I was. Maybe I was a psychopath. For real.
F: Yeah, you had no compassion. You have compassion now. But, you don’t have...I feel like you have a healthy amount of empathy but you’re not an empath. Because being an empath is so overwhelming.
A: Isn’t that when you take on the emotions of other people? I do that sometimes.
F: I do that with every single person I come in contact with.
A: Fine. Prove your point.
F: Ha ha. That is my point. I mean, when a friend halfway across the world has a problem, I take it on as my own. When my parents were back and forth with their relationship, I took on their problems as my own. I’ve stressed myself out over other people’s issues. Hell, I can’t even watch clips of people falling or nut shots without literally feeling the pain for those people. Like, for real, my legs will hurt when I see someone fall.
A: Do you ever get second hand embarrassment?
F: Totally. But I have to talk myself through that.
A: I used to be so obsessed with Full House when I was like, seven? And remember even then that I’d have to hide my face when something embarrassing would happen. Do you get that?
F: Definitely, but I’ve gotten better about it. It’s not my embarrassment to carry.
F: Yes. So, get us back on topic.
A: So, my brother is bipolar like me.
F: Pretty much exactly like you.
A: I see a lot of myself in him. And I feel so bad for you guys when I was eight, cause I’m not even a caregiver and that’s still a lot to deal with.
F: Not only that, but you were a lot worse when you were eight. But that’s because we didn’t know what the hell was wrong with you.
A: There’s a lot of compassion you give him, because you know what he’s going through, and I feel so bad for this, but I find myself getting jealous. I feel like the whole experience would have been a lot better if you had given me that compassion.
F: True. But we didn’t know what was wrong with you.
A: Yeah. That’s understandable.
F: So, anyway, back on topic. Do you think you’ve been raised by one or two mentally ill parents?
A: Well, I feel like my father is probably not neurotypical. I’m sorry if you’re reading this, Dad, but I feel like there is some sort of mental illness going on with him.
A: There’s that...inconsistency. There definitely was a lot of instability, too. And, um, he’s still indecisive. He broke promises a lot.
A: He doesn’t break them a lot now, but he definitely did back in the day.
F: So, you think you’re being raised by a bunch of non-neurotypical people? Cause you’ve got me, primarily raising you, you’ve got your dad, your grandma lives here.
F: Do you know anybody that’s neurotypical?
A: I don’t think I’m friends with any neurotypical people.
A: I don’t think I do, actually.
A: That’s really funny. I don’t know a neurotypical person. At least not in real life.
F: Yeah, I think everybody’s got some degree of something. Whether they admit to it or whether they believe it or not, everybody’s got a little something going on.
F: So, what kind of person do you think a child raised by non-neurotypical people turns into?
F: I know what typically comes of a person raised by mentally ill people that aren’t aware of it or aren’t taking care of it. Or are in denial. I know what happens there. What do you think comes of a child in your particular situation?
A: I think if you embrace your mental illness, and you’re aware of it, but you also take precautions to stay mentally healthy and also take precautions to make sure you don’t take out anything on anybody. You raise mentally healthy, but very well informed children, that, if they have a mental illness, they’re aware of what to do.
A: They can handle it. Because you were never taught how to handle your mental illness. You had to learn how to handle it on your own. And I’m lucky enough to know how to handle it.
F: You have a support system, which is something I didn’t have. I didn’t have a doctor or family or friends to turn to or support me. You have a support system of people to help you cope and help you deal with your brain.
F: I feel like being raised in the way that I was helped me to be more aware of mental illness and in turn, be able to raise you in a better way. In a more mentally healthy way. I may not be mentally healthy, but like I’ve told other people, old habits die hard. My coping mechanisms and my struggles are my own, but I can at least help put you on the right path to being a healthy, stable human being. That’s what I want for you. To be a stable, productive person. And I think we’re on the right path for that one.
F: So, as shitty as things may have been, and not being diagnosed until well into my twenties. I think there’s a silver lining to everything and I think the silver lining was making me prepared to help you be healthy. And I think having a support system is the number one most important thing to being mentally healthy.
F: You have to have support. You cannot do it alone.
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