#13
Hmm where to start; tonight like many other nights I was looking through the many bridal and wedding sections of that of Pinterest. No I am not yet engaged although I do plan on marrying my one and only Kye. Which brings me to the topic of Love.
When you are a kid grown ups tell you all sorts of shit, expecting you will forget before too long, hoping that it wonât effect you in your later years. But there are always those little knick knacks that you listen to and for some reason they just stick to the inside of your brain like cum in a hot shower (sorry for the vulgar language, there is probably going to be a lot of it). Tonight I while skimming through the bridal expos I found myself thinking back to when I was an innocent, Nieve little shit. My mum was sitting at the computer in the spare room playing her online Neopets game, she was going on about love. When she turned around, grabbed my hands and said âKortney, always remember that there are different types of loveâ she then went back to playing her computer games. At the time I didnât think much of it, different kinds of love? Whatever. Everyone loves eachother just the same, or at least thatâs what I thought until I hit puberty. Everybody was going through that weird hormonal phase that every teen pretty much goes through, but not me, I wouldnât let myself, and I know at this point your probably thinking, whatever you were probably the biggest slut. However you would be so ridiculously wrong itâs not even funny; I wanted to be a nun. Thatâs right a nun. I spent so long of my highschool life pretty much sitting back and watching everybody I know get over come by this age old, back to basics, prehistoric need to reproduce and I wanted none (zilch) of that. By the time I got to grade 11 I already had my life planned out for me, I was going to build my life around serving God. That was until I met Z, he and I had been close friends all of high school, I had previously dated his friend for a couple of months, however it didnât feel right so I ended things in the traditional over dramatic teen way. When Z and I became a couple he was my first for a lot of things. Even though he and I were only together for 6 months and even though I do regret the deterioration of our friendship, I do not regret the relationship as it taught me a lot about myself and who I was.
When I was a little girl I remember coming home from school one afternoon, I was confused about who I was, what I was. I went to my bedroom and pulled out my favourite books and just looked at all of the beautiful girls in them, and how coincidentally they all had male counterparts. I waited until mum was relaxed and playing her online games before I approached her. I sat down on the horrible blue, stiff carpet by her side. Inside my head I was trying sk hard to figure out how to word what I needed to say, before long I eventually spat it out, and asked my mum about girls living other girls (keeping in mind I was like 7 here). She instantly stopped what she was doing and looked me dead in the eyes. Whet she then asked âwhat do you mean?â. After a few careful moments to think about what to say I replied with âwellâŚ.what would you do if I said I liked girls?â, to which she said without hesitation âyou would no longer be my daughterâ. When she fairs that I remember feeling this black abyss in the pit of my stomach. She then asked if I liked girls, I quickly brushed it off and said it was Someone at school. The topic was never brought up again after that.
Which brings us back to Z. Towards the end of our relationship I started to find myself loading track of who I thought I was. I found myself looking more and more at females (mostly older than I) with the same intent and feelings of that of any man, by this point I no longer lived at home, so I didnât have to worry so much about certain things, however the rest of my family were well⌠Religious, and so was I which made things all that harder for me. Z and I broke up no long after I came out to him about liking fellow females (not because he didnât approve, but because I know I needed to figure out who I was on my own, without being held back by my morals). By the time I figured out who I actually was, it was nearing the end of school and I was finally happy with my life. No longer was I cutting my legs, arms and chest to help me deal with the pain of my sexual identity, no longer was I using religion to mask who I was as a human being. And no longer was I wanting to kill myself everyday because of how much I despised God for making me the way I was.
I was finally free.
When I had the nads to tell mum, she didnât live up to her word of me ânot being her daughter anymoreâ however it took a while for our relationship to get back to normal. Now being 3 years out of the closet and in a loving relationship I couldnât be happier.
My mother was right, there are many different types of love, 1) the love you have for family, 2) the love you have for friends and 3) the love that you have with a person, the kind of love where you know you wonât be the same again afterwards. Lastly but not least, 4) the love ypu have for yourself. That is the the most important love out of all of them, because you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Today I realised how lucky and amazing everything truly is; I am in an amazing relationship of 2 years with a man I hope to marry and he is very accepting of my âafflictionâ towards women (haha), my family has accepted who I am and have since tried to help me and understand me. you donât want anyone in your life that makes you feel any less of a human being, I was with a guy called B, we were together for a year and there was not a day that went by that he didnât rip me to shreds because of who I was, my only fuck up was allowing it to happen for far too long. He would humiliate me in public and in front of friend, like he thought it was some kind of joke. You donât need people like that in your life. Full stop.
Yesterday is the past, Today is beautiful and tomorrow is a mystery. Just remember to anyone out there that is struggling with who they are, you have to stay, you have to stick in there, I know it is hard and toy want to so bad just to fall off that roller-coaster and sees who will miss you and if they will notice before you got the ground, But trust me when you get to the end and everything is starting to slow down and relax, you will be glad you went through hell to get to where you are now. The best thrill is being there until the end and seeing how everything pans out.
prguitarman
stormborns
dailybridgerton
annaxmalina
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gummygunk
