bank on the funeral

erin nichols / 39 / funeral director medium?

[mournfulroses]

Zinaida Nikolaevna Gippius, tr. by Babette Deutsch, from Selected Works; “Creation,”

[corpse-a-diem]

Would you say you prefer meeting ladies (or gents, or all kinds of babes) through dating apps, or are you more of a coffee shop meet cute girly?

I don't like dating apps, personally. It always feels like I'm just online shopping for companionship, except the cost is a little bit of my sanity. Also, no one knows how to hold a conversation. At my age, do you know how depressing that is?

...Why?

[doctorareyes]

That's good.

I mean, I do insist. Especially if you're hot. Are you hot? Either way, I'd love to bring you hot cheetos. Now you've got me craving them too.

[corpse-a-diem]

I... don't know how to answer that, other than pointing out that I would be hotter with some more hot cheetos. Just saying.

[saithebatguy]

[pm] I don't know anything about the pamphlets. I don't think she talked to me about that.

Yeah, it's like Shark Week. The idea is supposed to be to get people to start talking about bats. Although this is a little more focused on local business promotions.

[corpse-a-diem]

[pm] She mentioned it to me by accident. She definitely wants pamphlets, trust me. Something about turtlenecks.

That's pretty cool, actually. Yeah? I'm a local business and I happen to also like bats. I own the funeral home in town--anything I can do to help?

[vanoincidence]

[pm] I don't want to talk, I just don't want to be alone right now, I don't think. Thank you.

[corpse-a-diem]

[pm] That's fine, too. Like I said, whatever you need, okay? I'm almost there.

I'm so sorry, Van.

[corpse-a-diem]

@vanoincidence

[pm] My friend, Cass. She's gone. She died. I just [...] I can't be alone right now. Can you come over and we can watch superhero movies? Those were her favorite. Maybe we can get thai food, too. She really liked that. I just don't want to forget her. I can't forget her, Erin.

[pm] Oh, Van. No—no, of course not. You won’t forget her. I’m on my way right now. We can do whatever you want, just say the word, okay? When I get there, you can tell me all about her if you want?

[corpse-a-diem]

[pm] Can you come over?

[pm] Of course. Everything okay?

[lara-martins]

[pm] I'm not, but A Quiet Place has a couple wines I haven't found anywhere else, if you can get past the mimes. Not everyone can.

[corpse-a-diem]

[pm] Of course I can get past the mimes probably If I have to. Besides, I've definitely gone to weirder places for the sake of good company and wine. But if the mimes make things weird, I'm fully blaming you. Understood?

[doctorareyes]

Maybe. I don't know. Did you bury I can imagine, yes.

I mean, I can still get you hot cheetos. That is still very much an option.

[corpse-a-diem]

At least it's seemed to have sorted itself out. I haven't received or sent any wrong messages in a few days. Knock on wood.

Really? I mean, if you insist No, no, it's okay. I'm a fully grown woman who should probably get her own flaming hot cheetos. I appreciate it though! Unless you insist?

[filmnoirsbian]

WHY ARE YOU HAUNTED?

A survey

[corpse-a-diem]

@saithebatguy replied to this post:

[pm] [....] I guess you could say that. Sorry, I was trying to message somebody else. This was about Bat Week posters. I'm not sure what posters you're talking about.

[pm] I guess there were pamphlets, not posters, that were supposed to be made for Dr. Kavanagh by you. Bat Week, huh? Is that kinda like Shark Week or something?

[recoveringdreamer]

[......] Unclear. I guess she sent a message to the wrong person, and that person was like, "Bring me a moose," so now she has to go fight a moose, and I have a truck so I can transport the moose, but I can't let her fight the moose on her own because moose kill people, apparently, and I have a pitchfork, so I should probably use it.

[corpse-a-diem]

What even You might need something more than just a pitchfork against a moose. I'm not an expert in this but it's just a strong feeling. You know, your friend doesn't have to get a moose just because there was a wrong message sent. She can say no.

[muertarte]

[pm] Tomorrow.

What do you need fixed?

[corpse-a-diem]

[pm] You're a lifesaver. Truly. I've had this leaky faucet that's been dripping incessantly for the past week or more. I know it doesn't sound like much. I think I'm going to start climbing the walls if I have to hear it dripping for another day. There's a bunch of other little stuff too but I think that's a good place to start.

[faustianbroker]

[pm] Hang on, hang on. A little color suddenly makes you into a hip java joint? I've been getting my coffee from the wrong place! Right, sure... what's the rest of the palette? Grey and white? Sounds sterile. So trendy!

Wish I knew. Fashion... Daddy? Say more. Hm, maybe you just give off Googlish vibes. Or yeah, it seems to be happening to everyone.

"Friends" is kind of a loose term, I guess. More like... acquaintances that have benefitted mutually from one another for long enough that a certain snappiness is expected. [...] We sell artifacts. Curios, if you prefer. There's a store-wide disclaimer about potential curses.

[corpse-a-diem]

[pm] I make a pretty decent cup of coffee but it's not exactly what people come for, no. Hey, there's color! I'm not that depressing. I've got some burgundys and browns too. Which sounds depressing, I know, but it's nice. Trust me, if you would have seen how my dad used to decorate the place, you'd agree it's an upgrade.

I think Fashion Daddy is pretty self explanatory. The crossed wires calmed down a bit, from what I've noticed at least.

Huh. Coupled with that first message, it sounds kinda shady I don't think I want to piss you off though Oh shit, really? That sounds really cool. I love that kind of stuff. Do you have a shop in town?

[deathsplaything]

[pm] Not care about the wellbeing of the dead and the respectful handling of their remains? Have more faith in me than that, please.

I’m a tea shop owner, far less exciting than funerary work, mostly. Sometimes I get a feisty customer and I get to kick them out. That’s about as exciting as it gets, however.

[corpse-a-diem]

[pm] No! I didn't mean quite like that. I just meant you wouldn't care because it's not technically your job, is all. But I appreciate that you do. It's really not something most people even think about.

Oh? I didn't know tea drinkers got that feisty. Isn't tea supposed to be more calming or something? I'm more of a coffee fanatic myself but I do enjoy the occasional sleepy-time tea before bed.

[oscarhmtech]

Cobie Smulders

[corpse-a-diem]

[pm] Did you ever find those posters? I never heard back from you about them.

[pm] Wait, aren't you the bat guy? Are they Fashion Daddy posters? Please tell me they're Fashion Daddy posters.