NOAH ASHBURY:
Noah’s heart was not made to be bent, contorted in any way. It was porcelain, fine China that required the holder to handle with care. But the world gave him something different. The world, especially these days, punished smiles & hugs with pain & death. The world did not take your kindness & use it as a strength, but rather counted it as a weakness. & even before this hell had begun, Noah felt that weakness slipping into his soul. Like acid wearing away at metal, his defense was worn down to nothing. He was out in the world with nothing there to defend himself except for thinly veiled smiles that wore away as soon as his back was turned. He was nothing more than a fallacy, one big, tangled, contorted deception. No one ever got to really know him, truly see beneath his skin. Not even Kat — whom he had known for nearly his whole life — had managed to learn more than what was just presented on the surface. & words like normal had always haunted him, hung over his head like a heavy cloud that was ready to burst — because what the fuck was even normal anymore? & in any case, Noah had never been looked at as normal. He was a spectacle, a concept that people tried to untangle, but not actually get to know. The people who wanted to know him only had malicious intent, not friendship. But that was why his personality persisted. That was why he did the things that he did, acted the way he acted. If he couldn’t find the light in the universe, then he had to be it. He had to be that for everyone else — carry the weight of the world, be the one person you could rely on to make you happy or simply just be there for you. More than that, it was the one simple request his mother & father had asked of him. “Do you really want that from me? & how would that be any easier? How would hating you be any easier than being friends with you?”
“I don’t get it? Rory, you know nothing about me except for my first name & maybe my last name. You don’t know a single thing about me so how can you say I don’t get it?” His voice had remained a steady force for the most part, unwavering & strong. But if you listened close enough with the intent on finding a weakness, you’d see the holes in it, the slight shakes & change in tone. There was a sense of embarrassment as he watched Rory’s hands tighten their grip on the gun while he still held the small bugs in his hand. God, he was such a fucking idiot. “What do you mean it’s different? Do you think you’re the only one in this world who is constantly worried that everyone they love or care about is going to die?” He questioned, voice raising, but not with anger, rather indignation. There was a part of him that was ready to fight, ready to use words to cut away at Rory & make her feel what he was feeling, what he had felt for his entire life. But the other part of him — the good part — saw no need to do this because he knew that she had felt the same pain he had. Everyone did, and if it didn’t occur prior to the outbreak, then it sure as hell happened after everything fell apart. “Everyone dies, Rory, but that doesn’t mean you need to shut everyone out.”
“It means less interaction, dumbass. It means little emotional bonds — and it means less things to worry about, less things to be anxious over.” The words were meant to cut through him. This was NEWS ; Rory hadn’t found a reason to explain as to what brought her so close to Gwen and Callum, and why, even to this day, she continued to seek them out like some needy child. Rory WAS a needy child. Instead, her own words made her want to recoil. To turn back to her room and stay there for another week, MEDITATE or read one of the books from library. It didn’t feel good to admit shit. “It means LESS things for me to wish that I still had, like, fuck — sarafems to rely on.” Rory felt that it wasn’t her choice but the guilt was there, sitting on her heart... making her look at Noah with a shrug, smiling weakly as if everything that just came out of her mouth was a joke. It was the first time she raised her head to glance at him. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m not going to survive another a year if I’m always afraid of you leaving me or us or I’m always clinging to someone. It almost ruined my life... I’m not going to let it kill me.” That was FUNNY, she thought. Zia Eva always said that it wouldn’t kill her — separation anxiety? It could be remedied by medicine and weekends in which they spent time together. It wouldn’t cost her her life... With all due respect, zia Eva: EAT SHIT. “I’m pretty sure it could.”
She badly wanted to stop talking. It didn’t come often, that need for her to keep quiet —- but as his words were understood, it only made Rory’s fucking problem to seem TRIVIAL. It was trivial; it was nothing as worse as what others went through. A sigh passed her lips, cursing herself as she opened her fucking mouth. “When I was six, I didn’t go to school for a year because I didn’t want to leave my aunt. I was held back, just because I wanted to stay back at home with her. Every day, she brought me to work. I thought... The first time that she left me in first grade, I thought she was going to die. I kept — I kept picturing her in her shop, either getting murdered by one of her employees or accidentally stabbing herself with a pair of scissors or... or prickling her finger on a thorn and bleeding to death.” She took a deep breath — see, she has never told anyone this before. It was a story saved for weekly appointments, sleepovers... not this. “I still think about that all the time. Except this time, it’s Gwen and Kat and Opal and Augustus and... that’s — that’s how it’s DIFFERENT, Noah. It’s irrational. It’s stupid but it’s real. It’s real that I get nightmares over it sometimes. I get sick thinking about it.” It surprised her, how whispered her voice had become and how dry her eyes were. “Everyone dies, yeah – no shit, but to me? They die all the time. Every minute of every day that I’m not there to see them. Fuck, Noah... I like you — I DO ; but I like you too much that I can’t, it’s a fucking pain to even imagine you bleeding to death somewhere where I’m not there to see you. I don’t want that. I’m sure you don’t want that either.” Pathetic? A little bit ; god, what is it with ADMITTING so much lately? “So... I’m sorry if I think pushing some people out is the best option.” This time, she scoffed — a silly attempt to keep things lighthearted but it only made it more upsetting to her. “I don’t want to seem CLINGY, you know... don’t want to be that girl.”
