Starview Café

Asks: OPEN Inbox: 11 Hello there! Good morning! Welcome to The View--the best café in moon's orbit! Granted, we're the only café in moon's orbit... that I know of at least... But that just means we most certainly are the best! Come on in and have a seat if the lack of gravity will let you. Would you like a hot drink? Of course you would! Space work is thirsty work after all. Go ahead and click that wee little order button right below this box. Down there--that's right--just there--that's the one! Just give us a click on that wee button, and let me know what I can get started for you today!

[cosmic-coffee-core]

Welcome to The View!

Please take a menu and seat yourself! I’ll be just there at the counter when you’re ready!

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[cosmic-coffee-core]

Heard the falling in love question and now I'm gonna have to comment: What if some of us more regular customers already adore you? Maybe for some not romantically, but it's still somewhat an "I love you", right?

Anyways, eventually, they stuck me in here. At first it felt like they just wanted me out of the way. And maybe they did. The job was just… make the coffee, put it in the cup, give it to the human. Simple as. Can't mess it up! I mean… you probably could, to be fair… and I'm really… quite good at messing things up. It's the one thing I always was great at! Ha…! but--regardless. Simple, easy job. VIRTUALLY can't mess it up. They gave me specific instructions for it, and I followed them!

I don't know what it was, probably just the novelty of having your coffee made by a robotic ball. But they asked for me. And I would make them a drink. And they would say thank you. and give me a tip. and it felt… really, really good!!

Hah… But that's okay, I'll take it! I would have taken anything at that point, cause I've never been good at ANYTHING. Like… literally nothing. Well, aside from the messing things up thing, as I said before. But, forget that. What matters is, I'm good at THIS! It just… felt like magic, really. The first time I felt…. useful. Capable. Appreciated.

That's… probably a bit much of me to say right off the bat. Pahaha, Look at me, getting all worked up… I just met you! Sorry, luv.

[cosmic-coffee-core]

Hi Wheatley! Anything in particular you’d recommend?

That's 1-2 shots of our Rocket Fuel espresso, topped off with steamed milk (We've got vegan options available, if you're into that--no extra charge of course) and it's all cozied up under a nice layer of foam. A fan favorite.

I've heard from some of my customers it's similar to a promotional beverage they did at one of the earthly coffee shop chains… I think the place is called… the Celestial Deer? Or something akin to that?

Honestly, speaking of, and this is a bit of a tangent here, but hear me out: that name would have been WAY more fitting for my cafe! What business does a silly little earthly, gravity-bound, foot-slogger shop have taking up a name like that. Should have gone to me. I would have done it much more justice. Just saying. Anyway…

That's… that's a plain espresso shot. That's what that one is. In case it's confusing. I'm realizing now that saying it without proper context might… well it might not be clear what it is. Might sound a bit rude, even. I'll be honest, not fully sold on the name for that one at the moment. If you've got any suggestions, you know… I'm open to them. But regardless, now that you know what it is, it makes sense! And it's not rude!

Well, What do you think of the rest of the names? They're great, aren't they? Came up with them myself! Well chuffed, I might add. If you've got any questions feel free to ask away! I'll be happy to explain anything to you. As long as it's about coffee, at least. I mean I'll do my best to explain other things, but... I'm a coffee expert, not an All Other Things expert. Heh.

Oh, and if you're still not sure what you want, just tell me what you like, and I'll be more than happy to help find you a new favorite.

Heh… it's like I'm playing matchmakers over here. Except it's with crewmates and caffeinated drinks! Tremendous!

[cosmic-coffee-core]

//halloooo! Sorry for the dip in activity here, it’s just because im writing answers for everything in the old inbox at once. I plan on getting all of them drawn over the weekend and then queuing them up to post once a day. So just hang tight, and know im still workin on stuff!

[cosmic-coffee-core]

//Almost forgot it was Munday! If you have any questions for me, the mun, I'd be happy to take them or have a chat! Im currently writing the next few posts, but would love to answer stuff in between writing and sketching.

[cosmic-coffee-core]

HEEEY I'm baaack~!

Quick question for ya: Can cor- um, your type of robot fall in love? Asking for my friend at work.

Oh, hello! I'm gonna be honest. I wasn't aware that you'd left. But, yeah welcome back, I suppose! Oh! Are you going to buy something this time? Please?

I reckon I could. Potentially. I don't see any reason why I couldn't. It's just that I've… never had the opportunity. Say, is it a bit warm in here suddenly?

The problem is, that sort of thing is meant to be mutual, right? Yeah… don't know if there's anyone out there that could feel that way about… me….

[cosmic-coffee-core]

//I’m very glad you like him XD I’m enjoying writing him

@coffeewaffleee​

[cosmic-coffee-core]

I'm sure you must have seen the whole thing coming in, absolutely bloody massive, it is.

I think it must be just as big as Aper... Uh... Aperton..! You know the city of Aperton, right? I mean of course you do, everyone does--we all know it! I'm not even going to explain it, There's just no need! Alright, moving on.

As for how far away from Earth we are? Well... I couldn't tell you any of the erm... raw technical details. Mostly because I don't know them--but! Uh... take a look out that window right there.

@tinker-13​ 

[cosmic-coffee-core]

I got my friend to play Portal 2 for the first time :} 

[cosmic-coffee-core]

//cute lil sneak peek for you :p

[cosmic-coffee-core]

You have hands

You know, before I had these, I didn't have any hands or arms or legs or anything… I was basically just a ball with handles on! That's… that's actually that's more literal, to be honest. A ball with handles on.

It'd be a little hard to run the place in that state. Who even designed that? I mean really… go through all the trouble of giving me sentience but not once did you think about maybe adding an extremity or two? Like, what am I supposed to do with these??

Ahh, sorry about that. Got a bit carried away there. I do that sometimes. It's uhh.. I'm working on it. Anyway, the hands! Yes. Courtesy of our wonderful robotics team. My original chassis has a few other features… I mean it's nothing particularly useful just a lot of "gee whiz" stuff, mostly. Flashlights… things like that. Uh. One flashlight, actually. Just the one. The really cool part though is!!! I have MAGNETS! Hah!!

Not very strong magnets, mind you, but enough for me to manipulate small objects in zero gravity, and—get this—move around ON MY OWN!

yeah, that’s right! Check me out! Did that all by myself just now. Isn't that brilliant?? I’m completely mobile now! No more management rail for me!

A-anyway… these hands! Yeah! Let me tell you… They are just the best. Such useful things, hands. I don't know how I ever manged without them before. You humans had the right idea with that whole "evolution" thing. Well done.

[cosmic-coffee-core]

does space work at starview or is it just wheatley? Id like to greet them :))

Yeah, he's around! He's a bit busy these days… what with all the SPACE going on and whatnot… I mean--he doesn't work in this shop, if that's what you're asking. I run the place preeetty much all on my own. But you know what, it's all fine. It's easy! I just … I make the humans coffee. That's it really. They love the stuff. Go crazy for it.

Oh… Well, I kind of just told you exactly how to get there without a second thought didn't I…. Say, you're not a terrorist are you? I suppose I should have asked that first.

Well, you seem like a pretty nice person. I should hope you're not a terrorist. And IF YOU ARE… uh, a terrorist that is, then just go on ahead and pretend that what I just said doesn't actually mean anything at all. The silly little coffee robot doesn't know what he's talking about and that is actually not at all how you get up there.

OR! Or. Even better yet, just disregard it entirely! Yeah just go ahead and wipe that from the old memory if you don't mind. That is, if you are, in fact… a space terrorist.

[cosmic-coffee-core]

Erm, heya!! This place is a lot different from the main universe, geez... Not complaining, though! Does Aperture even, like... exist here? Did the whole mainframe thing even happen? If so, how'd you manage to run all... this? Because DANG, that's cool! Sorry if ya got no clue what I'm talking about, by the way. I kinda have to ask this stuff for work... and I'm also sorta curious.

...Okay, I say "sorta", but I'm actually more curious than I have ever been in my... I don't even know how many years of existence.

Good HEAVENS no! I'm flattered, but I'm just little old Wheatley. I'm in charge of my cafe here, and that's it! Believe me… that's all I want after... Uhh... nevermind.

I really don't even own this place if you wanna get down to it. I mean, they put me in charge of it but… I just work here…

[cosmic-coffee-core]

AYYY HOWZZIT GOIN'? FANCY PLACE YA GOT HERE!

But anyways... I'm sure you didn't come here just to hear me run my yap! What can I get for you, Darling?...

Ahh, hang on! wait a tick! I don't believe we've met before, have we? Have you recently been stationed here?

[cosmic-coffee-core]

Day 1 of posting Barista Wheatley doodles until my ask blog is out of tumblr purgatory 

[cosmic-coffee-core]

[x]

It seems he didn’t hear you come in. Would you like to get his attention?