a twenty-eight year old groundskeeper/janitor with a dream! and a wife. and a fish. two thumbs. a polo that got ripped up in the washing machine (or so they think). oh, and a pudding cup.
If Hudson had to pick a a favorite teacher this dude would be number one. He may not have a classroom or even a class but Hudson did learn plenty from Comso. "Okay, another question. Food this time, what gives cheese that funky taste? Is it the milk? Whatever else is mixed in?"
“Ooo, good question.” Cosmo agreed, popping another yogurt covered raisin into his mouth. “It’s mainly bacteria and germs. They develop as it ages, and that’s why really flavorful cheese is maaaaad expensive. New cheese tastes salty, and no one wants salty cheese.” He explained, nodding his head with some finality to that specific point. Afterwards, however, he furrowed his eyebrows and glanced back at Hudson. “But if you’re putting that salty cheese on salty crackers, would you even know?” Sounded like a ‘tree falling in a forest’ conundrum to him... He made a mental note to tell Wanda they could only buy saltless crackers now, suddenly needing to be certain he was eating ripe cheese.
What did you get a celebrity for Secret Santa? He’d had never met Chip Skylark, but Cosmo had definitely heard enough about him. Someone who had that much going probably didn’t need for much, so he was stuck at an impasse. That is, until he realized the one thing he had that the other probably didn’t. Having just finished mopping the floor of the bathroom after a rather unfortunate occurrence, he traded his cleaning supplies with the bag that was tucked away in the back of the janitor’s closet. He’d picked out a llamas in pajamas gift bag, if only because it was the most fun of the cheap options, and had filled it with various colored plain baseball hats, fake mustaches, a spy-worthy pair of sunglasses, a tourist Corona Island tee shirt, and an oversized candy cane filled with mini shooter bottles of festive-flavored vodka. It was, in Cosmo’s eyes, everything the guy could need to live a simple life. It wasn’t easy to track the other down, but he’d asked a friend of a friend to pass on the message for Chip to meet at the nearby coffee shop at 12:30. Now, at the decided location a few minutes early, Cosmo hunkered down in the booth with his frozen strawberry lemonade (an off-season special the workers made for him regardless), humming Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It and hoping the direction had reached him.
Wanda wanted to be upset with her husband but when he smiled at her like that, well, she just couldn’t be. He made her feel like the moon and the stars lighting the night sky. Cosmo may have been a bit chaotic but Wanda had always needed him in her life. He not only kept things interesting but he really was a great husband. She couldn’t have fathomed a day spent without that smile. Wanda almost forgot to leave the scowl on her face when he smiled at her like that. She leveled her gaze at her husband for just a moment before letting the corners of her lips tilt up slightly. “Do I even want to know how much you spent on them?” Wanda had never purchased fortune cookies in bulk before and her mind immediately jumped to the hundreds. It was a sweet thing her husband was doing but, truly, if he did kind things like this every weekend then they soon wouldn’t have a house to live in. Before she could give a lecture, Cosmo handed her a fortune cookie. Taking it from his hands, the woman looked down at the cookie with a skeptical gaze. “You know these fortunes are autogenerated right? There’s no way it actually predicts the future.” Still, she unwrapped the cookie. After breaking it in half and holding out the free half to her husband for him to eat, she pulled out the fortune inside. Wanda’s eyebrows knit together. “Two is whats known but three makes a home.” Wanda handed the fortune over to her husband and gave a shake of her head. “Sounds more like its trying to give me advice. Seriously, love, what are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”
There was a special place in Cosmo’s heart for the way Wanda couldn’t stay mad at him. He would never take advantage of it, of course, but knowing that their love was strong enough to overlook the little things was more than he could have ever expected in his life. To think he’d spent the first fifteen years of his life without knowing her felt incomprehensible. That’s why, at her question, he tucked his lips back into a more serious line. “More than one escape room ticket, but less than two.” Though he said it, it only sunk in after that he could have instead bought them tickets to an escape room. Wanda would like one with logic puzzles, and he’d like one with a lot of cool things... Maybe they could find a spaceship one? Oo, or an Atlantis one? He didn’t know how the latter would work, but he’d be ecstatic to escape the lost city. Returning back to the moment, he watched her nimble fingers open the cookie and offer half out to him. Wordlessly he popped the piece in his mouth, simultaneously watching her as though it was popcorn at a movie theater. His eyebrows knit together in confusion at the fortune, no less furrowed after having it handed to him. He analyzed the slip for any hidden words that would spring from the page, but after a moment sufficed to shove it in his pocket for later thought. “Maybe Coronians need advice rather than fortune. I’m just here to supply them with it. And to avoid shoveling the sidewalk.” Which, in his mind, was fair. Cosmo lifted his gloved hands to her waist, pulling her close enough that he could slide his arms around her waist, enveloping her upper body with his. “Besides, I’ve got my love to keep me warm.” The words were sung in his best Dean Martin impression which, admittedly, wasn’t too impressive. They still brought a grin to his face, deepened as her familiar scent flooded his senses.
As Wanda was out shopping, she realized something major: her husband was in the possession of her credit card. They only had one and Wanda was typically the one in control of it but he had needed it for some silly reason and she’d decided to just let him go to town. It was the holidays, after all. But, now, as she was trying to shop for the man in question, she was without finances. When she went home, however, her husband wasn’t there. Wanda’s first thought was not that he could be having an affair - the pair of them were too loyal to each other for that - but rather he must be somewhere doing something… Cosmo like. Except where could he have been?Wanda decided to start at the center of town and work outward. Thankfully, she got it on the first try and wound up at the city center. Seeing his car, Wanda parked her own nearby but not too close. She was still allowed to have a little fun in their ‘old age.’ She watched him with the Halloween bowl and made a mental note to never trust her husband to return something again. Part of her mind started working on where they were going to store it in their house but she caught herself. Sneaking up around the side of the car, she jumped into sight. “Cosmo!” And then she noticed what was inside the bowl. “Did you…. did you buy…. hundreds of fortune cookies?”
To Cosmo’s surprise, the person walking by was apparently either not in the mood for a fortune or didn’t take food from strangers (both of which were beyond his comprehension). Perhaps they would have been a bit kinder if they’d found out they had something wonderful to look forward to, but the world would never know. He didn’t have more than a minute to wallow for them, however, when the love of his life popped out from behind his car. “Wanda!” He responded instinctively, face splitting into a wide grin. It was his natural reaction to her presence, tied strongly to the short amount of time it took him to miss it, and not even her questioning of his motives could lessen his excitement. “I did! Three hundred, to be exact.” The words were said with a level of pride that could only be founded in blissful ignorance. Cosmo glanced down at the cookie still in his hand, moments after offering it out to his wife. “May the gods and goddesses, above and below, bless you and your family with a happy and healthy new year!” He exclaimed, the simple farewell he’d prepared to bode cookie-takers on their ways finding its first (imperfect) usage. “Our fate lies in your hands now.”
Wanda left the house early to go Christmas shopping, an arduous task Cosmo had immediately made his lack of interest clear in. Everyone stressed themself out this time of year and it didn’t make much sense to him. Why would you be worried about the perfect present for someone when having them in your life should be enough? Also, everyone was trying to come up with their New Years resolutions, but no one could control the future. Hell, no one even knew what the future could hold. But something did.... Something with greater psychic properties than his Aunt Mertle... His daily mission had become clear. It was a bit of a drive to the Asian Market, but he successfully left with three hundred-count bags of fortune cookies and made his way towards the city center. It didn’t take long for Cosmo to set up, pillows left in his back seat from a past drive-in movie night laying atop a shaggy old blanket, lastly grabbing out the extra Halloween candy bowl Wanda had told him to return. At least it was going to good use, right? He plopped himself down on the setup, leisurely opening a bag of cookies before pouring as many into the decorated metal tin as could fit. He was comfy, warm, and ready to make peoples’ lives easier. It did take a few minutes for the first person to walk by, most likely due to the cold, but he lifted up the candy bowl as they did. “Fortune 300!”
“Cosmo… people are looking.” Wanda buried her face in his neck as the two of them danced. Wanda had absolutely no moves and this was just about the only thing she was incredibly shy over. Her horrible, horrible moves. Maybe, though, by clutching onto her husband she’d be able to hide just how embarrassing she was.
@cosmofairee
Cosmo wrapped his arms tighter around Wanda’s waist, loving the excuse to hold her close. She’d never been comfortable dancing in front of others, be it at their prom or their wedding, meaning it was only a matter of time before this happened. Even so, there was something comfortingly familiar about how she always tried to hide herself into him, leaving him with a warm feeling in his chest. “Let them!” He responded without thought, looking around and grinning at anyone who bothered to look back. They weren’t the center of attention by any means, but letting her know that would be a shame. “They’re just wondering how much I had to pay you to come with me.”
“It’s easy, see? You just shove that in there, and then tie it here... Twice for safety, and... Voila!” Cosmo held up his finished creation, proud of how it’d come out. What was it, exactly? Only his favorite piece of equipment, the leaf blower, ‘carefully’ attached to Timmy’s favorite form of transportation to make the first ever motorized skateboard. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the first, but hover-boards were banned in many public places; this baby was legal across the fifty states. It’d only be good on land, but the next step could include experimenting with powering up a surf board. Gnarly. “Ready to give her a spin?” He asked the younger guy, ignoring the minimal standing space on it after the machinery was attached. Being cool wasn’t easy these days, in his defense. @timmyisturnter
Cosmo wasn’t a jealous man. Usually. Sometimes... Occasionally? No, Cosmo was a jealous man, but he thought he had the right to be now. He’d used his lunch break to pick up Spirit of the Dragon for him and Wanda, determining it’d been far too long since they’d last feasted on that much MSG. Now, he stood outside her office window ready with her food to play reverse take-out (where the food is delivered to your window, no drive-thru required (a favorite of his)), but she wasn’t alone. There was a man that Cosmo couldn’t recognize, older than your average student but younger than your average teacher. Chiseled jaw, dark eyes, no baby fat... No, he was not a friend. Wanda had yet to realize he’d come to surprise her, so he used the time to make eye contact with the stranger, staring him down as intimidatingly as he could. It didn’t seem like his actions were successful, as he remained where he was, so Cosmo maneuvered a pair of crappy wooden chopsticks out of the bag to hold out as a weapon. Simple, but effective. He sent the man a goodbye wave with the utensils as he packed up his stuff, and it was at this point that Wanda turned enough to notice him. Fortunately, this was a much more innocent time for her to do so, quickly turning his sarcastic wave into an excited one for her. He held up the food bag with a wide grin and yelled behind the closed window “Chinese!”. World’s best delivery man. @fairywcnda
“No. No whining. I draw the line at dolphin riding. It’s done. No.” Wanda said firmly. That’s what he needed. If she cracked then nothing would get done. No rules would be followed. Even if Wanda wanted to, even when he gave her that cute ass pouty face, she had to say no. “Oh my god.” The woman shook her head. Sometimes she thought she’d finally gotten the hang of Cosmo’s mind and then he uttered things like this. Would their daughter have a pig nose? After placing a hand to her forehead, to gather her thoughts, Wanda replied with a soft, “No. No she will not have a pig nose.” It worried her that Cosmo might not understand how genes worked. “She’ll have the shape of one of our noses. And she will have either green or brown eyes. She’ll have brown hair, for sure. All it will be our dominant genes that our daughter gets.” Wanda said with a small smile. “She’ll be a perfect blend of both us.” The woman could imagine their child now. Loud, stubborn, a big personality in a small body. It made her excited for the future. It made her excited for their future. Wanda squeezed Cosmo’s hand and continued to walk towards the churro stand. The smell had finally caught up to her and the woman decided it was best to indulge herself. It was Halloween, after all. And, as Cosmo said, both of them brushed their teeth. “Personally, I’d like the chocolatey caramel one.” Wanda snorted a little at the white icing comment, “And why would you know what those sort of stains look like, hmm?”
After letting out a defeated whimper, Cosmo accepted his defeat. He was defenseless (and a little turned on) whenever she turned into hot-mama-rule-enforcer, and there was a good chance she knew it. Was that why people said you date people who remind you of your parents? Hopefully not. He couldn’t help but to frown at the information that their child would not come with the pre-destined facial feature, feeling as though the movie lied to him. “She’ll be cute still, and I’m sure of it, but I wouldn’t be mad if she had both of our noses. You know, side by side... Combined... Flattened in the front... Two nostrils... I wouldn’t mind if she had a pig nose.” In fact, maybe he actually wanted her to have one now. A therapist would probably make something of that, but he'd have to settle for Wanda in the mean time. At least she always was praised for being good at her job. Should talking about their future kids be a weird subject? They’d never addressed it at length, but Cosmo hadn’t even been fazed when she mentioned it so directly. Maybe they’d have to talk about it later, with a big bowl of the good candy and some hard apple cider. He smiled widely as she referenced the stains, immediately looking at her with raised eyebrows. “You remember high school, don’t you? Me sneaking in at night so your parents didn’t know, you not on the no-baby pills, me always leaving shirtless? These things are all connected, Fairee.” If he still got a bit too happy after referring to her with his last name? So be it.
She walked over, seeing the man looking like he’d passed out in the pile. “Are you dead?” Marceline started. He didn’t immediately respond. Well, maybe he was a drunk who had done too much day drinking. Either way, she started to reach for his pocket just to see what was in his wallet when suddenly his eyes opened. Marcy jumped back quickly, and then heard his shouts. She took a few breaths to settle herself before cupping a hand around her mouth. “I thought you were dead,” she said. “Or at least incapacitated.”
Dead? Incapacitated? No, Cosmo was just enjoying the fruit of hard labor. “I am alive and still able to move my whole body! Aside from the little toe on my left foot, but I’m sure you know how dangerous bowling can be.” Really, he was fortunate to only lose motion in one of his toes from the incident. Wanda had nearly killed him when she found out... Imagine if she had a foot fetish. “Random, yet totally not random and completely relevant question: are you interested in the curative powers of laying in a leaf pile?”
Fall! Cosmo loved the way the leaves changed colors, exposing their true identities before their last hurrah, but now he had to deal with a new burden: picking them up after they fell. It might not have been bad on a smaller scope, but he was instead faced with a boss level right out of the gate: the campus lawns. He’d been raking the leaves away from the middle of the green when his supervisor brought him a tarp and a leaf-blower, instructing him of basic usage directions. Sha-bing, sha-boom, leaf-free grass? Sounded easy enough. He placed the tarp down flat in the section he’d raked clear, afterwards pulling the leaf blower strap over his shoulder. Staring at the all-too-comfortable leaves around him, he spread into a power stance with the blower held out. “Say hello to my little friend.” And with that, he was off. After a few minutes he learned how to direct them towards the tarp, but his precision wasn’t great. After around a half an hour of work, leaves were loosely piled on the tarp and the surrounding areas... He called it a success. Sighing in victory, he tossed the leaf blower to the ground before dropping his body onto the cushioned pile of leaves. He could at least stay there until someone came to pick them up. The only downside of Cosmo’s hard work was the ringing in his ears, unaware at the time how loud the machine had been. In fact, he hadn’t realized how bad his hearing was currently until his blissful relaxation was met with a bump on his leg and a distant voice. Opening his closed eyes, he stared up at the person and pointed at his ears, screaming. “You need to talk louder!”
“Riding dolphins is incredibly dangerous not to mention that dolphins may not actually liked to be ridden as if they were pets. Our children are going to respect boundaries.” Wanda smiled slightly, “And we are not naming our child Philipa if it’s a girl. I’m still hesitant about Philip for a boy but Philipa? No. I’ll settle for Pippa or Penelope but not Philipa. Besides, what if our child is nonconforming? We shouldn’t just name them Philip because you really love that name. And I don’t want our child to think that we named them after a nickel. I don’t care how lucky he is.” Wanda had gotten over the Philip the Nickel train long ago. She’d accepted that Cosmo would never get rid of that nickel. It was probably the one thing he loved more than her. If she had to compete with a nickel, well, Wanda would be just fine with that. She could definitely be the jealous sort, though, so when it came to other people coming onto her husband… Wanda wasn’t as cool with it. The woman didn’t think she’d ever have to worry about losing Cosmo, though. There was never a day she doubted his love for her. Like now for instance. Wanda looked around as if Cosmo were embarrassing her but a small blush started to spread over her cheeks. She was flattered and he probably knew it too. “Oh we’re going to make adorable children, there’s no doubt about it.” Wanda laughed as he came even closer. When his arms wrapped around her, the woman let her head fall against his chest as she shook it from side to side. “You’re such a dork.” But he was her dork. Wanda was glad to see him lift the skeleton into his arms. She’d have to carry it eventually but at least he’d take the bulk of the weight for now. “I’m in the mood for something sweet… think they’re selling any churros around here?”
“But Wandaaa...” Cosmo whined, frowning at the realization he apparently wouldn’t be taking their future children dolphin-riding. There were some things to rethink now. The idea of not naming a daughter Philipa was a double blow, but at least Wanda offered some alternatives. “Penelope’s the name of that girl in that movie with the pig nose, right? Does that mean, if we name our girl Penelope, she’d have a pig nose too?” A daughter was cool, but a daughter with a pig nose? Iconic. “Penelope it is! She can use her snout far and wide to sniff out the tastiest baked goods and avoid any men who don’t brush their teeth daily.” Two important things. He may have been a dork, but he was definitely her dork. Imagine if he’d married someone who forced him to grow up... No, she was his soulmate and he’d undeniably be utterly lost without her. If he left, he’d have to go back to his mom and listen to about 40 ‘I told you so’s’ while she made his favorite blue-bananarama pancakes, all after forcing him into his favorite Archduke Franz Ferdinand sweater and his fluffy We Are the World socks depicting every musician’s face who was on the original track... Wait, what were they talking about? Oh, right, churros. “How could they not?” And with that, Cosmo placed one hand on the back of his skele-child, the other reaching down to grab Wanda’s, and he began walking deeper into the festival with his chosen family. “What kind of dipping sauce are you thinking? The chocolatey one? Or the chocolatey caramel one? Oh, or the white icing one that looks inappropriate when it stains your shirt?”
Wanda watched her husband with a fondness in her gaze. Maybe it was the beauty of the fall festival but she was feeling extra appreciative for his silliness on that night. Sometimes it annoyed her but right now it was rather comedic. “I fear the day we have children. What if I suddenly become the fun parent and you become the strict one?” The woman tossed out with a small wink before turning back to the booth in front of her. Wanda and Cosmo hadn’t really talked about children in detail. Of course, Wanda wanted a family. She felt in her bones that she was destined to be a mother. But they had Timmy who was sort of their child and she hadn’t ever asked Cosmo if he really wanted kids. It just wasn’t something they’d thought about being that they had gotten married so young but as Wanda got older, the want for children of her own continued to grow. She didn’t know why but fear seemed to hold her back from talking to her husband about it. If he said no, what would she do? She would never just divorce him but was she willing to give up the dreams of a big family that she’d had since she was a child? Wanda wasn’t sure. The woman paid for the skeleton but then turned to face her husband, “Cosmo!” She snapped her fingers, “Come pick up your child. I mean it, I’m not carrying him around.”
Not thinking twice about her comment, Cosmo laughed loudly at the idea. “You? The fun parent? Our kids are going to think watching paint dry is the equivalent of riding dolphins through the Gulf of Mexico while singing Weird Al’s impending cover of ‘Old Town Road’. Well, at least poor Philip and Philipa will be smokin’ hot...” In reaction to his own final words, he picked up a stack of the pamphlets and spread them out, fanning Wanda with them with playful concern before gasping. “By George, It’s only making it hotter! I have feared this day, but I know what I must do!” Dropping the flimsy papers on the ground, he slowly stalked back over to her and hesitantly wrapped his arms around her, pretending to sacrifice his body to smother her flames. “It burns so good,” he whispered weakly, and with that, his head fell reluctantly on hers as he accepted his fate. Fortunately however, with the angle his dead eyes were at, Cosmo could clearly see his ‘child’ lying on the table. Giving up the scheme, he pulled away and picked up the skeleton fireman style, the plastic bones dangling over his shoulder. “Where to now, hot mama?”
Get to know Cosmo Fairee who’s twenty-nine years old and works as a groundskeeper/janitor at the college. He is from New Jersey and is often times mistaken for Andy Samberg while others say she reminds them of Cosmo from The Fairly Oddparents.
General:
- Cosmo grew up in a happy home, even if it wasn’t the most traditional. His parents divorced when he was young, leaving him in the full-time care of his Mama. She made sure that he was loved and cared for to the point of it being overbearing, but he didn’t see it that way.
- Wanda and Cosmo met in freshman year of high school and started dating soon after. By the time they’d graduated, they’d already known they were stuck with each other forever. They got married at age 19, against his Mama’s will, and have been happy together since.
- His wife had always been the one to keep real positions while he’d favored odd jobs, but Corona proved to be his turning point. He’d taken up some groundskeeper/janitorial work at the local college and has loved it.
Headcanons:
- Consequences? Non-existent. Cosmo has never been one to learn from his mistakes, so he constantly makes bad choices and is surprised when things go wrong. He thinks taking risks keeps life interesting, but everyone (smart) knows to stay a mile away from him.
- Not always with it, but only from an outsider’s perspective. He has a short attention span and this often comes across as him being quite random, but everything makes sense in his mind.
- He loves Wanda more than anything. He might not always listen to her, and inevitably makes her mad a lot, but he knows that she knows he loves her regardless.
- He initially took the college position to be near Wanda (which may have stemmed from a fear of being away from her), but now he enjoys the work and is fond of many of the students. They're really much closer to his mental age than most of the adults he's met.
- Loves Taylor Swift. T-Swiz. Tay-bae.
- As wild as he is sober, Cosmo loves a good drink. He'd never drink to the point of being sick (if only because his attention span doesn't permit him to pay attention to any one task that long), but he is a force to be reckoned with once he starts going. Not even Wanda can hold him back, sometimes.
- Really likes pudding.
- Has a lucky quarter named Philip, and a stuffed elephant named Philip, and a pet ant (which is really just a house ant that never leaves) named Philip.
- Names most things he cares about Philip. It's really quite the pandemic.
- He loves Tommy. Wait, no, Timmy. Timmy, right? The one with the pink hat.
- Isn't too bright, but knows how to take criticism well. If anyone's going to make him sad, it's Wanda -- and only when she says he has to sleep on the couch for trying to fly off the roof again.
Wanted Connections:
- Friends. Those who do encourage his antics, those who don’t, and those he can convince to join in.
- Children. Well, kids he can dad, but just in a cool way.
- Lovers, hookups, romantic interests. JK WANDA, LOVE YOU.
