buntgraue Welt.

just some thoughts from a unimportant human and her critisism of the society.

[couloredgrey]

Seeing everyone going on with their domestic lifes, it hurts.

Being in relationship, living together, earning their own money, getting pets and planning their next big steps, it hurts.

While i still struggle to take the next breath, it hurts.

[couloredgrey]

I harmed my self since i was 11 till... well, 2 years ago? So about 8 years. Which is shockingly young and a long time period, but, yes, i'm definitly not the only case.

But... my reasons were a little bit different. It wasn't about myself. About my look or my weight or my popularity. I tried to hate my self - but i simply didn't. And if i'm honest: i was never really severly depressed. Yeah, there were periods where i was hopeless and had a void in me. Periods where i even was suicidical. Was it the main reason behind it? No.

Anger and hate. So much anger and so much hate. Too much for me to handle. Too much to pinpoint exactly where this anger and hate was directed to. I don't know. There was just so much anger and so much hate.

And instead of bullying, fighting, vandalizing - i directed it against myself. Because otherwise i would have exploded.

I was the shy, the quiet girl. The nice one who was always well behaved. Because i didn't trusted myself to act. To high the risk to just burn the world with all the anger and hate i had.

This was the reason behind it. Just pure anger and hate.

[couloredgrey]

I'm a victim of abuse in my childhood. But... deep inside me i think my trauma isn't valid.

I wasn't abused in a physical or sexual way. Well, once my mum hit me when she was drunk. But other than that... Never. Not from my parents nor my surronding.

Most of what had happened i'm not able to remember. My mind ist just empty when i think about my past. Most of the time i don't even think about my past because i can't recall memories, feelings, situations,... it isn't there. Everything i know is due to flashbacks or people telling me about it. It doesn't feel like it was and is real. And i'm kind of struggeling to believe that it indeed happend. Sometimes i think it's just a way for my brain to deal and to have a reason, a apology why my mental health is just such a mess - an imagination to justify my mental health.

I can't really pinpoint the exact trauma. It's not like "my father hit me whenever i did this or that" or something like that. There were so many situations which - from an objective point of view - fall under emotional abuse by the parents against their child. But till today i don't even know how all of those situations really happened and if my understanding of the real past isn't just imagination. Wether i'm even possibly be responsible for what happened and that everything is kind of my own fault.

And here we are at one of the emotional traumas... i was gaslighted and manipulated by my father for years. A few years back i was so insecure about what was real and what wanted my father me to think was real. My own memories versus what my father manipulated into me even over the most simple talks were so different and at some point i couldn't longer distinguish between them. And that also applied to many experiences and fellow traumas from my earlier childhood. Till today the gaslighting by my father follows me into my mind and how i see my traumas.

That is just one example of i have experienced emotional abuse. We are talking about hundreds of sentences my parents spoke to me. Thousands of different situations. The abuse is a complex web of many different details and experiences which form the trauma as a whole.

But also society doesn't make it any easier: Emotional abuse is often overlooked and not fully recognized. People think that physical and sexual abuse is more dangerous to a child. That thos childrens suffer more due to it. But that's wrong. It's scientifically proven that emotional abuse isn't less harmful to the children. It isn't okay to compare different abuse of different childrens with each other and decide which did more harm, which is more valid. And it's not okay to say emotional abuse isn't abuse. Childrens suffer from it and we can't deny it.

And not every abused person acts the same. Childrens how suffered of emotional abuse often end up as adults who are very insecure and self-doubting, who always want to please others and thus often get involved in toxic relationships. They base their decisions on the will of their fellow human beings and can only very poorly stand up for themselves. But that isn't true for everyone.. i'm not one of them. Currently i'm often seen as an egoistic person with a big mouth who fights for her will and doesn't care in an empathatic way at all for the well-being of other people. Yes, i'm insecure and have a lot of self-doubt. I'm struggeling with social interactions a lot. I like being alone and being able to do stuff my way. I have mental health issues, but for many people they aren't directly visible. Did i suffer less from the abuse in my childhood? No. Did i handle it a different way? Yes. Is this way better? No. There shouldn't even have been abuse at all.

Abuse is different. How people experience their abuse is different. How to deal with it is different. How it affects people is different. How the trauma is seen is different. Is your abuse valid? Yes.

Is my abuse real? Yes. Is my abuse valid? Yes.

[couloredgrey]

Maybe, there is somebody out there who sees this post and might be able to tell me somwthing about my zodiac placement.. bc i don't know a shit xd

Sun: Aquarius in 5th house

Rising: Scorpio in 1st house

Moon: Aries in 5th house

Mercury: Aquarius in 3rd house

Venus: Pisces in 3rd house

Mars: Aries in 5th house

Jupiter: Cancer in 8th house

Saturn: Gemini in 7th house

Uranus: Aquarius in 3rd house

Neptune: Aquarius in 3rd house

Plute: Sagittarius in 1st house

Chiron: Cancer in 2nd house

Lilith: Pisces

Thx xx

[couloredgrey]

I'm currently struggeling with my own mind and just need to order this chaos..

I had a really hard childhood (mental abuse, father with narcisstic traits and habits, mother whos a addict). And since i was 12yrs i struggeld a lot with selfharm in different forms. I felt overlooked by "friends", my parents, my teachers. At that time i didnt hide my scars, cuts and bruises. Because nobody cared about it. I was like a ghost and nobody seemed to realise that i existed. Espacially they didnt realised my problem with selfharm even though i presented them my scars and wounds on a daily basis.

When i got into the 8th grade (13yrs old) my math teacher changed. I got a totally new teacher für 8th and 9th grade and from the beginning everyone got along with her. Her way of teaching and working with my class felt so natural. Like she was born to do this. She was the very first person who notized my struggle with selfharm. But instead of confronting me she helped my in a totally different way and i dont know if she realised it back then.

I'm learning pretty easily without doing much and even though i had a lot of problems during middle and high school i always had good written exams. But my oral participation was non-existent in many subjects. And math wasnt an exception.. i never really struggled with it but i didnt saw a meaning behind participating in the lessons.

My teacher watched me very carefully every lesson. And she asked how i was feeling. Especially on the dark, bad days where i didnt speeked to her or others at all. She gave me a feeling that i could trust her and talk to her whenever i want to. But on the other hand she never pushed me into the corner by forcing me to talk. She saw the potential i had in math and gave me encouragment to participate in class without forcing high expectations onto me or overstrain. Back then i wasnt ready to talk about the ongoing problems in my family and my fight against myself. And i wasnt ready to realise that she showed me the potential i have and that i can grow beyond me just because of willpower. She pushed my in the right direction, in the direction of the right way. But i went that way on my own with her a few steps behind, watching me grow and encouraged me when i needed it. Only after graduating i realised this life lesson she teached me.

During 10th grade (15yrs)... it was a horrible year of school. A lot of teachers changed - i also got a new math teacher. I skipped lessons, i didnt put any effort into exams. My grades got bad and i nearly failed the school year. Just because my private situation got so crazy and worser than ever before... just before the end of the school year a lot happened in my family. There were so many changes but thos were positive. They allowed me to finally start to recover. Tiny steps but steps of recovery. I finally started to relax after years of stress, pressure and anxiety. But selfharm was still a big problem - it was a constant which gave me a feeling of security in thos times of changes.

With the beginning of my two last years of school (11-12th grade, 16/17yrs) i got my old math teacher back. And i was so happy about it. I changed the past year and i started hiding my scars and wounds. But i still struggled like i struggeld in 8th and 9th grade. And i think my teacher knew that. Or at least had a feeling about that. Like the years before she pushed me into the right direction. She didnt forced me to talk to her, but still shown interest in my wellbeing. And i knew she was worried and i'm pretty sure that she was anxious about me sometimes. She was the only one who ever did this for me and i'm so grateful.

I graduated in spring 2019 and i used the summer to recover and reflect. About what had happen, what people have done, about the things i have done. And this was the time i realised what she had done for me and how she changed my life for the better. Till now i'm in a kind of recorvery, but i'm clean of selfharm for over a year now. I study law which i never though i would be able to do. Because i didnt trust my own potential. But this woman inspires me and keep me motivate to keep going. She has shown me that i'm able to walk this way on my own and i'm doing this every single day. I see people dropping out of college because of thos high expectations and the daily pressure, the feeling of failure. I keep going because i think, no, because i know i'm capable to overcome every obstacle on my way.

A meeting with the teachers and former students was actually supposed to take place a few months ago. Due to the covid-situation it was cancelled. I hoped to meet her during this meeting and talk to her - i dont even know about what. But ever since it was cancelled i dream of apologizing to her for worrying her for years. To explain everything to her - what has happened. And especially to thank her for what she did for me and that she took the right path.

This woman has changed and shaped my life, my person and my future.

[couloredgrey]

I've never expected to feel so... lonely. And numb. Today is my 18th birthday and adolescents come of age in Germany at eightteen. The most important birthday for everyone here.

I was alone. The whole fucking day. And i felt lonely like never before.

Both, friends and family hadn't time for me. They have their own problems and to-dos. And i knew this, so i didn't even planned to celebrate. I expected it's gonna be a pretty normal day, maybe some chatting, nothing special like everybody else would do. And like everybody told me to do - they wanted me to celebrate big. With family. With friends. But how when nobody has time for that?

But i didn't expected an outcome so bad. I asked myself whether i made a mistake in the date and i didn't have birthday. Today is my 18th birthday. I checked it multiple times. THE most important birthday and the day was like it never existed. Like i never existed. Like i'm nothing. I wrote with some friends of mine - seems like they don't remember. Altought we talked about it some weeks ago. And my parents just sent me a short message. I'm gonna see them in over two weeks, hopefully. Eventually not. We'll see.

I feel so lonely. So worthless. Am i so meaningless to them that they don't even remember my birthday? After doing so much for them, helped them, cared for them. I'm there for them 24/7. No matter what. And yet, i would do anything for them. Because they are important to me.

To check the phone every minutes with the hope somebody wrote me. To hope somebody has time for me. Or just thinks of me. It's so devastating.

I've expected nothing. But thats way less than nothing. And it breaks my heart and let me doubt if this gonna be my future. Sitting alone at my birthday at the table in the kitchen, waiting for responses, hoping i'm not alone and feeling lonely at the end of the day. If yes: i don't wanna my future. I don't wanna my life. The price i pay is too high for such a reward.

No birthday wishes. No cake. No presents. No persons. Like i don't exist. Neither for my family nor my friends.

[couloredgrey]

and the next time i write about a topic which is pretty important to me.

I identify myself as asexual and biromantic (or homoromantic). I'm still trying to figure it out and i don't have to justify myself for that. I'm young, i know my tendencies to the same sex and the sexuality can change with the time. But i struggle with something else for several months which keeps my thoughts busy (btw i have social anxiety which makes it even worser).

I know that more gender exists than the two known biological sexes (is this even right? Help, struggeling with my english. In german there is only on word for gender and sex without a different meaning, hope you know what i mean). The society is based on men and women - nothing in between or completly different like non-binary etc. In Germany we have a new third called "divers". I think its comparable to "they" as a pronom.

This shouldn't be the topic, but we just hold that there are more than the social and biological sexes. And this is the point. I have the feeling to exclude and discriminate people who might be non-binary, intersexual etc. by identify myself as biromantic. I know that love don't have to be bound to the sex/gender (still struggeling) and it shouldn't matter if the person identify as something that doesn't conform to the basic social norms. I accepted them all and they are all valid.

It matters to me. I can't imagine myself in a romantic relationship with somebody who is e.g. intersexual. I can't. I see myself with mainly women, possibly also men, but not with the rest. For a while I put the label panromantic on me so i'm not discriminate anyone or exclude them. Because i get the feeling i'm going to make a difference between social accepted and according to the social norms and on the other hand not social accepted. I thought i'm automaticly put them on a lower, more inferior level. It doesn't make sense, i don't have to justify myself for the person i love and persons i'm never going to love. I know. But i still have this anxiety of exluding people by identify as whatsoever.

I don't have the problem to say that i'm not interested in men at all / mostly and prefer women. I don't have the feeling to justify for this. I think because they don't have the general problem of being discriminated.

In order to make my fear more understandable, we transfer it to skin tones for the sake of simplicity (this doesn't have to correspond to the reality). I'm white, typical european and i'm afraid of discriminating people with other skin colours than mine by saying i have the opinion that this or that skin colour is in general more beautiful than other in an aesthetic way. I exclude people who are already discriminated by the majority of the people. Even if i'm not saying that other skin colours are less worth, ugly or something negative at all. I don't put them on a lower level, i see them on the same where i am. And i still know that more than just the skin colours matters to find someone aestethically beautiful (the way they dress, hair, charisma etc.). To transfer it back on the sexuality - there is more than just the sex/gender (character matters a lot). But even so, i'm struggeling with this fear.

And this is why i hate social anxiety. It could be easier or i wouldn't have this fear at all.

Hope you understand x

[couloredgrey]

Normally, i am not a person who uses her tumblr and especially not for writing texts, but this is a topic which breaks my heart everyday and makes me doubt.

Its Pride Month - a month full of happiness, proud, sense of community and mutual power, but also the negative aspects for all members of LGBT. I see this month divided into two parts, because of my own sexual and romantic orientation. I identify myself as asexual and somehow biromantic, but i'm not sure yet.

And my identification as asexual brings us to the topic which breaks my heart.

The exclusion of asexual / aromantic / agender from LGBT and also LGBTQ or which name you use. On the one hand i'm part of it due to my romantic orientation (B), but on the other hand i'm excluded from many peoples who say i'm part of AVEN. So, in general i had to splitt myself.

There are people out there who are part of LGBT and excludes us. During talks with different points of view in my personal enviroment, they gave my several reasons why the A-spectrum shouldnt and isnt part of LGBT and also no part of LGBT+. For them, there is no LGBTQIA or something similar which includes us.

Sometimes because of historical reasons. We were never persecuted, killed, discriminated like gays or transgenders or, or, or. Do you know how many people are out there, asking themselves whats wrong with their sexual or romantic attraction and cant find out they are maybe asexual or aromantic because nobody is talking about or even heard about it? Many, so many people. We became and we are suppressed by denying our existence and because of that, nobody of us can be persecuted or killed for that. But also, we dont have a chance to raise up our voices and be who we are. People doubt themselves, other rational explanatory reasons for their lack of interest are discussed (mental illness, trauma...) and surrender to the expectations of others. Lead a relationship because it is normal. Have sex because it is normal. Say their gender is their sex because it is normal. But it isn't normal.

We may have not the sad historical background like other sexual / romantic orientations or gender identities, but we have to face problems too in our daily life. Mostly denial, prejudice and lack of understanding and this isnt easy. Maybe people wouldnt harm us because we dont harm them with kissing a same-sex person in front of them, but we arent accepted. Like i said, we are repressed by social norms, values ​​and rules.

Growing up as a teenager who identify as asexuel brings many difficulties. People say i'm mentally ill (and hopefully we all know that sexuality isnt a mental illness) or that my lack of sexual interest is just for puberty. I become normal with time and that in truth I am just disgusted with sex like little kids. Also i am kind of forced to have sex. We live in a sexualized society where people say they can only have a relationship with somebody when the sexual intercourse is good enough. Yes, asexual doesnt mean i have no sexual intercourse, but often it goes hand in hand. I dont want to be forced to have sex, but i also want a romantic relationship ('cuz i'm not aromantic, you know), marriage, maybe adopting childrens or something like that. But when my partner comes into the relationship and says that sexual intercourse is necessary for everything more serious. How would you feel? Somebody says to a gay man he has to have sexual intercourse with a woman as a requirement to have a relationship with another man? And in the end, it was way easier to say i'm biromantic (or just i'm bi to people who dont know the difference between romantic and sexual attraction and arent into the whole LGBT stuff) than saying and explaining i'm asexual. LGBT is more accepted, tolerated and more comprehensible than AVEN, at least in my living environment.

Looking at the founding, we see LGBT is existing since the 1990s, later with Q. AVEN was founded in 2001 - nearly 10 years later. Yes, we were never a official part of the LGBT, but as we can see additions were made (Q). Not for the members of AVEN. I don't know the concrete history of the AVEN founding because it isnt that known in Germany, but i know the reasons: creating public acceptance and discussion of asexuality. It is a safe place for us, just for us. Like i said, we were faced with a lack of understanding and tolerance. Not only by normal people (e.g. straight, cis), but also by people who identify themselves as a part of LGBT and were also confronted with discrimination, lack of tolerance and prejudice. And thats a shame. People who made bad experience dont treat others better. In Germany, there is a saying: What you do not want to be done to you, do not add to any other. Something like that in english.

Why it isnt possible to have the LGBTQIA+ or whatever we would call it as the standard. Some people call it the community today, but there are many people more who exclude the A because we have our own organisation. You could compare it with a city. In this case LGBTQIA+ is the city with different districts (e.g. AVEN) who have their own matters, problems and concerns, but want to achieve a big goal - acceptance, tolerance, equality. No matter what sexuel or romantic orientation, no matter which gender identity. Whats wrong with this thought/idea? We have a international goal and even for this, the progress is not the same everywhere. It varies from country to country. Why can not you subdivide again depending on the specific needs of different games and include all the norm deviating?

In my eyes there are huge differences between the acceptance of gays, lesbians (or just homoromantic) and bisexuals/romantic in my enviroment. Gays are mostly accepted, part of films and series, representative in the society. Lesbians are often sexualized. Men find it (sexually) exciting and give offensive comments for example. Bisexuals are just the normality and nothing to make a big deal about because the still love the other sex. Comments like "Bit bi, never hurts" to straight people are normal too. Even if you dont notice it directly, the different components of LGBT have to deal with different problems.

But what counts: We all have problems (partly similar) because of our sexuality and gender identity and fight for the same goal. LGBT / LGBTQIA+ should be a role model and shouldnt exclude the A-spectrum. No matter which reason they have. In the eyes of society we are all not normal. And to the people of say asexuality, aromantism and agender isnt a sexual/orientation or a gender identity: e.g. asexuality is the sexuality without (any) sexual attraction towards others and this isnt the normality. We can all empower ourselves by holding together. We can all evolve, learn from each other and learn with each other. Nobody said that LGBT always has to be LGBT. And after all, Q is now also a part of it today. Expand it.

Happy Pride Month to all of you ❤

[nurmengard]

The Thirteen Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

1) We guess at what normal behavior is. Because of our environment, we had no role models for normalcy, so we acted the way we saw other people act, people we thought were normal, and continue this performance into our adult lives.

2) We have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end; we procrastinate. Procrastination in the usual sense is the result of laziness. Adult children of alcoholics have never been taught how to solve a problem in systematic, manageable amounts. It was always all or nothing. Consequently, we don’t have adult life skills.

3) We lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. Lies, specifically lies of denial, were used to benefit the alcoholics and para alcoholics of our homes.

4) We judge ourselves without mercy. Since there is no way for us to meet the unattainable standards of perfection we have internalized from childhood, we are always falling short of the mark we have set for ourselves. If we are responsible for some positive outcome we dismiss it by saying, “Oh, that was easy,” and so on. This is often confused with humility but is actually poor self-esteem. We should keep our poor self-esteem in mind when taking the Fourth and Fifth steps.

5) We have difficulty having fun. For most of us having fun was just a childhood fantasy. We were always imprisoned by the anger and hostility of alcoholism, even if physically removed from the alcoholic, the disease was already part of us.

6) We take ourselves very seriously. The normal spontaneity of childhood was squashed so many years ago by the pressure to be adult. Living with one or more addicts forced us to be on guard constantly. Seriousness was the only option. Now we can’t have fun.

7) We have difficulty with intimate relationships. For most of us the only reference of intimate relationships was that of our parents. Our inconsistent parent child relationships caused us to feel an overwhelming fear of abandonment. We are left too inexperienced and fearful to let ourselves get close to anyone. (I do let myself get close to people but always have the fear of abandonment, always expect it and have poor trust issues and neediness)

8) We overreact to changes over which we have no control. As young children the addict’s life was inflicted on us as part of our environment. Our only recourse was to try to take control totally. Now any change which we are unaware of or have no control over leaves us feeling desperate and vulnerable.

9) We constantly seek approval and affirmation. The love we received as children was very erratic. The affirmations we didn’t get on a day to day basis as children, we interpreted as negative, leaving us with low self images. If someone likes us, gives us affirmation and accepts us, we usually judge them worthless. Our low self images thrive on this.

10) Because of our secretive childhood sufferings, we thought that things were always better in the “house next door.” NOBODY could possibly feel the same way as we did. Therefore, we felt unique, not a part of the group, and always looking in through an imaginary barrier. (I wouldn’t say unique..just different..not normal)

11) We are super responsible or super irresponsible. So much of our lives are all or nothing when trying to please our parents we did more and more and more; some of us realized early in our childhood, that there simply was no pleasing them, so we did nothing. We people please until we burn out for two basic reasons; one, because we don’t have a realistic sense of our own capabilities or, two because if we say NO, we’re afraid someone might find out how inadequate we feel and no longer like us.

12) We are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. Since starting a relationship is so difficult and frightening, when we do so we expect it to be permanent. This loyalty is usually caused by fear of abandonment. At home we always “hung in there” enabling the addict and denying the disease.

13) We are impulsive. As children our impulsivity was usually denied or covered up by our parents. We seldom suffered the consequences for impulsivity, leaving us with no deterrent, and we allow our impulsive behavior to continue in our adult lives.

I’d just like to clarify that I had one alcoholic parent and one non-alcoholic parent who had to work his ass off to keep us afloat.  My father is a wonderful man and was and still is a wonderful father.  It just wasn’t good enough to fix the damage my mother caused.