I want you to know that you didn’t get the full brunt of my feelings-the anger and sadness that I felt from your words. I’ve been told since I was younger that I’m a talented writer and I hope the words I wrote to you stung. They were passive aggressive with the intent to make you feel bad, guilty, and see that people can make important moral decisions without consulting God. I want to know how you felt to read those words; I intentionally sent them early in the day so I could ruin your day like you did mine. I don’t think that my words had the effect I had hoped, I think they just made you mad and feeling like I was a bad person. A day after sending you the message I made a mundane post hoping you would see it and would be reminded of what I said. Interestingly I saw not long after, you blocked me which I was kinda wanting because I didn’t understand why we were still following each other if we weren’t friends anymore, and I kinda wanted to burn it all down and make you hurt like you hurt me.
Two weeks have past since our final conversation, and I still don’t understand your actions. Even if you don’t want to admit it, we were somewhere between friends and relationship. Is that why you said we couldn’t even be friends anymore?
This time reflecting on our severed relationship has made realize things about you, myself, and the world. I realized that you are a narcissist (except during your depressive episodes), immature, close minded, and don’t actually like learning as you claimed because if you did you would be open to people to different experiences and opinions. I also learned that you are one of the types of people who had caused me great pain in the past, people that preach about sin, forgiveness, and not passing judgment and live their lives by a rulebook as their moral guide but do not follow it themselves and use it to pass judgment and hurt onto others. For myself, it taught me that all girls are capable of using other people (regardless of sexual orientation) for validation and attention, my doubt and anxiety is sometimes right, I never want to do someone what you did to me, and that I was wrong thinking that there were people out there that would accept me unconditionally and would understand me (which was so disappointing considering you are a lesbian too). Our time together widened my view on classism. Before I even knew you I thought you might be the type who would look down on others who didn’t share your upper class background, but I overlooked that because I thought you never know just by looking at a profile who a person really is. Before I had only seen classism through the university system where young adults and professors looked down on working class students, or in government settings where the workers looked down and pitied the working class, poor, homeless, and addicts. You looked down on me for where I lived and where I work even though I’m an educated person (and have more education than you!!!) with the determination to change my situation because I’ve been actively working to. I had never experienced someone looking down on me for that, and I’m further convinced because you wanted to know how much money I make.
It just doesn’t make sense for someone who claims to be so good and pious to harshly judge someone for their class, background, and not being religious. It was ironic to me that I, an athiest who follows my own sense of right and wrong and treats people with kindness seemed to be the better person and more tolerant of differences. Your actions before and after, have always confused me. I guess we’re both contradictory people though. We both have little or no friends (yours is by choice and mine is not), I see you as an immature person based on how you handle your relationships and emotions, you see me as an immature person for my job and my living situation, I see you as a person who acts morally superior because of religion but isn’t actually a good person, you see me as lacking morals for my lack of religion despite everyone else telling me how much of good person I am (or seeing me as prudish or stuck up because of my wholesomeness), I see you as a snob who has no empathy for the working class and poor, you see me as peasant who comes from a peasant background with no desire to change my situation.
I deleted our text threads, message threads, and your phone number. Despite all of this, I miss you and want you to realize your mistake and reach out and apologize. I know that won’t happen. I’m hoping that I can heal and stop aching and feeling lonely when I know you initially felt nothing (based on how unfeeling and impersonal that last message was), but now probably feel anger over me.
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