have i committed to paths
that lead me straight to a door
in hesitance in front of.
fear is a defining factor
when it comes to my description
an enemy, or even yourself,
it is blatant to the naked eye
that i live my life terrified.
however, age has fallen upon me
nearly nineteen with an old
and far too many opportunities
on lines i have left unwritten
for better and for worse —
for sickness and for health.
comes realisations and revelations,
change of surroundings and situations;
i could not mark the hour nor day
but i cam say with certainty
my climb had come suddenly.
but ascension means naught
if it accompanies emptiness.
a man with so much stagnant passion
cannot thrive within a dark box.
i was young without consequence,
floating from scene to scene
leaving destruction in my wake;
you would need to witness
to understand description —
i work forty hours a week
in a small manufacturing company
and wish i could be a writer.
words give me as i bleed them
can knit blankets for those
my life is so much less eventful now —
learning and fighting and writing;
all the perspectives i have changed
and all the lives i failed to save —
how do i convince someone
who i may never see the face of
that they matter so much more
than just a body to be passed on the street?
can i make with the phrases
i put to paper in dim light?
i just want to be something
so it can feel more like living
all of my friends and family
so i can yell their stories
into something more permanent
than the elements that make us —
i just have to live to see it first.
so, with words that might not make sense
grouped together in these ways,
can barely be called such
with their lake of rhymes
hardly make a finished paragraph,
i force myself upon the world
to fill a dreaded emptiness.
someone wise or someone lost;
no matter your perception,
it is your own and it is accepted.
i know how much my words mean to me,
that they could mean more
the way i write my titles,
thickening letters with repeated strokes;
the way my handwriting changes
nor where the real pages begin and end,
but you will at least see the words -
the meat to fill the hungriest minds
or bore the complex ones,
but substance nonetheless
that will not fail to invoke
