Craig's rambling

main @sparrowoniichan || Ren's Protector

[craigsrambling]

23/08/2019—01:00

I am uncharacteristically happy today. Im tryin to be present every night just to make sure I dont lose any of my “influence” (so to speak) and its been tiring, gotta admit. But theres somethin about tonight thats got me floatin on clouds.

Thanks to this sudden lift in my mood, i discovered that ive actually got interests that im willin to pursue. Im listenin to my music again. I’m not tired! 

[craigsrambling]

05/07/2019--09:43

Its been a while hasnt it? I think the last time i wrote a post was 3 months ago but that was the last time for a while ren's felt too sad. He asked me to add "until today" because his exam results are probably gonna be out.

That aside hes been havin trouble sleeping without having to let me out and i dont know why. Maybe the jetlag? Maybe the bed? Eh who knows, as long as im able to do my job. Ill update sometime else, dont really feel like writing today.

[craigsrambling]

06/03/2019—15:57

Wow, i really haven’t been here in a while. Ive been busy, Ren’s been busy. This past few week hes been goin through a hard time but really refuses to admit it. As much as i can stop him feelin too sad, i can only do so much at a time. I need to really try an work with him to solve the roots of the problem. He says his mind is too powerful but honestly i think its too weak right now.

[craigsrambling]

Hi

:P

[craigsrambling]

God even my cold dead heart is feelin things

[craigsrambling]

25/01/2019—13:21

To think Ren wasn’t plannin on getting a partner until university ended ;] I’m really happy for him, but on the other hand hes gotta work on attachment. I suppose it has been a while since hes been emotionally attached to someone and it sorta exploded over the past few days. I dont blame him, honestly. I know he loves her a lot and thanks to that he seems to be replayin potential sad fantasies over and over which I dont really understand. I think hes just scared. Of what, i dont think even he knows. I hope he gets better.

[craigsrambling]

13/01/2019—22:37

Happy new year! I see your message, Cray, and to you I say hopefully. Hopefully by the end of this year, I will have moved on and made peace with my bad memories. Let’s make this year a good one with the family :) 

Small update on Mary (who has now changed his name to Max!): a while ago he started to get irritated which was extremely uncharacteristic of him. Fortunately we spent a few nights going through what was making him upset, and I ended up suggesting perhaps he was experiencing dysphoria as well, due to my own brain. Which makes sense—since Max originally took the form of a cis female, it was strange for him to feel the dysphoria I was feeling. It’s a whole new level of meta, but changing his form made him a lot happier and the headspace has resumed its tranquility. I’m really glad he’s more content now!

[craigsrambling]

31/12/2018—20:02

What a great way to end the year: with a bad flashback. Actually, ive been spendin a bit of time researching to what constitutes a flashback- and im not too convinced this is one? Its pretty undeniable that Ren’s unable to deal with the memory, but perhaps its more of just a painful recalling thing, like when people deal with breakups. Im not the one to be invalidating one’s bad experiences, actually. If its constantly happenin and bringing me out, its probably pretty bad. i guess my new years resolution for Ren is:

Sometime during 2019, please try and stay through the whole flashback. I want you to be able to accept that what happened happened without shuttin yourself out time and time again. I know its hard, hell even i have a hard time recallin the memory because my brain (your brain?) just wont let me, but you’ll have to really try if you dont want to keep havin to do this. As much as you try and deny it, it did happen and its not your fault. Well, I guess I cant really say its not your fault entirely, but the majority of it isnt your fault.

Happy new year, Ren x

[craigsrambling]

24/12/2018--00:29

Ren here: it's Christmas eve, y'all! And here I am studying nonstop for more exams. But that's not the main point of the post, I just wanted to record some updates regarding Craig and I. Somehow I just can't seem to go a night without switching, either due to nausea or flashbacks :/ It's not that much of an inconvenience but it leaves me wondering why...

[craigsrambling]

09/12/2018—20:43

Man, that was weird. Ren (yeah, he changed his name to be less boring i hear) and i had a lot of trouble doin what we do because he was all weird and disoriented. I dont know whats goin on with him, but it was as if we were driftin further and further apart- as weird as that sounds, it really did seem as though our brain had left his skull and started floatin around. Luckily I think Im more grounded than him, so for tonight im gonna take over and do whatever he needs to do. Might update a bit more later if I feel like it.

[craigsrambling]

Handwriting leaning to the left apparently reveals sociopathic tendencies in a personality? Fitting for you, Craig ;)

[craigsrambling]

23/10/2018—17:02

reason for being out: we had a lapse in self confidence again :\

Im not too pleased with the way john dealt with his sadness today (hint hint, self pity), but recovery is never a straight path. John if youre readin this later: remember that its okay if you cant always be acceptin of your own mistakes. But when you can, please try and fight back against red.

[craigsrambling]

19/10/2018—15:43

Its weird to be out around johns friends. Ive never actually been out when hes in university. I think he was angry or frustrated just by being himself which in itself is infuriating. But i get it, becomin too excited is never good. Just ... be chill, i suppose? I guess i cant really talk like this unless i make my accent really inconspicuous.

I quite like this place actually, ive never walked around the campus before. Never needed to. I think i should come out alone more often so i can enjoy the cool breeze.

Englands wild honestly, everyone walks really fast? Especially in london, people seem to always be in a hurry to get anywhere. But i guess ive got no place to speak because my type a personality just shines in any sorta intense situation. I cant actually decide whether i want to be an angry protector or a calm protector; not being a conscious decision but whichever one is better for johns mental state ill be in the moment. Calm for now? Ill leave the anger to red and get mary to copilot.

[craigsrambling]

14/10/2018—13:01

John here again! I feel much better after a good night’s sleep. Last night was a slurry of feeling unproductive and self pity, but I assigned Cray the role of my “teacher” or uh...rule enforcer, I suppose? It’s hard to adjust to uni from high school, to be completely honest :( Having a sudden lack of authority to answer to is weird!

So Craig is my new authority :)

Thanks man xx

[craigsrambling]

13/10/2018—19:28

I should make it a habit to come on here and write every time i come out for no apparent reason. I believe im out though because John wants to get his life together. I can almost see the piles of boxes and...stuff scattered all around the headspace. CLEAN UP!

[craigsrambling]

04/10/2018—21:56

Im offended, I thought john wanted me out so I could have a little stretch but noooooooo. My tumblr abandoned and covered with spiderwebs beckoned me. I do have to admit it has been quite a while, again because johns sorta gotten everythin under control mostly? Ive been surprisingly dormant which is both a good and a bad thing. Anyway, john seems to have switched in the middle of studyin so i suppose he doesnt mind if i continue...?

Alright, typin that I received a head nod from inside our head (how is that possible wooo spooky). I guess he doesnt mind (or doesnt care haha) the difference in handwriting.

As for a general life update though, we’re in university now, yeah! Hes studyin molecular genetics and i mean thats pretty awesome if not a goddamn mouthful to say. There’re so many textbooks and folders on his desk, its crazy. Really quite cold too.

As much as id like to write more, its gettin late and i need to finish up johns work. sigh. 

[craigsrambling]

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