From Books I'll Never Write

The inner workings of my crappy mind.

[crappymindofficial]

if you invite me out and we go to a bar then spot someone that only you know and 1. run to them w/o telling me who they are or where youre going OR 2. say "brb" and spend more than half an hour over there and leave me by myself OR 3. take me over there to meet them then proceed to have a conversation that im clearly not invited to so im left standing there awkwardly, fuck you.

[crappymindofficial]

and when simon tries to move on by kissing someone else, not knowing that wille is watching then what? AND THEN WHAT?

[crappymindofficial]

In class, wishing I was a prince and a political conversation pops off which makes the cute commuter girl say she hates the monarchy, beginning our love story.

[crappymindofficial]

I've come to the conclusion that this most likely won't happen since I'm a psych major and taking classes like Human psychophysiology and Research Methods. So unless a cute girl wants to pop off on some unethical researcher who is probably dead, this dream is unattainable.

[crappymindofficial]

Thinking about when Wille and Simon have their first intimate moment in S2. If it is behind closed doors, Simon may see that as he is still Wille's secret, and nothing has changed. Meanwhile, Wille may see it as finally living his own life, making his own decisions, and not letting anyone or anything interrupt his happiness (like a thousand eyes watching him and Simon kiss). AND IF THAT HAPPENS it will be hell because Wille is horrible at speaking his mind and revealing his intentions. Simon will have to pull it out of him and it will be a painful process if Simon realizes that he always hurts himself when trying to heal others and decides to just not give Wille a chance to explain. Hopefully, this is just an out-of-touch thought and not reality.

[crappymindofficial]

In class, wishing I was a prince and a political conversation pops off which makes the cute commuter girl say she hates the monarchy, beginning our love story.

[a-magniventris]

one of the things that idk makes me ?uncomfortable? in people describing the video as **child**porn** (( typically as a kind of a ?gotcha august is sooo evil? sentiment)) i'm not really interested in arguing about "real" legal definitions or whatever (it's not relevant). the reason i think this makes me uncomfortable is that **cp** is not bad because of the recording of the content, but because of the content. whereas there is nothing morally or ethically (or legally in the jurisdiction in question) wrong about two sixteen year olds having sex. the issue here is the video itself not the content thereof.

[crappymindofficial]

Watching Young Royals for the realistic heartache & yearning vibes that makes me want to scream in how accurate it is. Then immediately watching Heart stopper for the shit eating smile that won't leave my face and the butterflies that stay in stomach that flutter at the fantasy of that relationship.

[birthdaysentiment]

HEARTSTOPPER: OFFICIAL MIXTAPE | SEASON ONE

[crappymindofficial]

i made a big deal of it because it was a big deal to me.

[crappymindofficial]

everyone says to die with memories, not dreams. but what if my memories are filled with lonely moments where i was too sad to cry? is it then appropriate to be content holding onto my dreams, where I am surrounded by people who love me?

[crappymindofficial]

I become irrationally angry when someone interrupts me while i'm daydreaming. It may not seem like a big deal to them but to me, I lose the love of the characters that i've created. I'm suddenly ripped from the perfect version of my life and brought back to the loveless, lonely reality. All in a split second. So shut up when i'm daydreaming.

[crappymindofficial]

Believe me, I'm lying

Lying to your distant, acquaintance-like friend about how many friends you made and how much fun you have to avoid looking and feeling like a loser. When it's all over and you go back to your room, alone, do you regret not telling the truth? Do you imagine scenarios where they extend an olive branch and suddenly you're surrounded by great friends? Or do you think about how they may skip past the fact that you're lonely and continue to tell you all about their very active social life? Maybe it's a combination of both or neither. The only certain thing is that you'll plaster a smile on your face and let the lies roll off your tongue to describe the awesome friends that only exist in your dream.

[crappymindofficial]

Daydreaming in Oblivion

I've always wondered why the fictional lives that I create for myself always have essentially the same premise; me at the peak of stardom and being famous. Whether I'm an actor, singer, model, etc., I am always some kind of celebrity. This has confused me for as long as I can remember because I have no particular talents nor the desire to accumulate them. Then one night, as I lay in bed creating another fictional scenario, it hit me. It's not that I desire to be talented. I want to be wanted. Celebrities have hundreds of thousands of people that want to be around them and treasure them. That is what I want. I crave that feeling of knowing that someone will, not only be around but want to be around me.

[crappymindofficial]

trying to romanticize every thing i do pt. 1

[crappymindofficial]

My main goal in life is to be the person and live the life that I’ve created for them in my head. 

[crappymindofficial]

The only thing stopping me from dancing in the rain is the sad fact that no one will dance with me.

[crappymindofficial]

I want to be like the clouds in the sky. Constantly changing my shape, beautiful, and appealing to everyone. Albeit it brief, puts a thoughtless, yet real, smile on your face as you gaze upon me.

But I am the canvas of blue sky behind the clouds. Plain. Boring. Only existing to make everything else stand out.