Crazy Funny Wacky Roommate Stories

A collection of stories from every day people and their crazy funny wacky roommate experiences.

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Laundry Basket Bullseye

By: Seth

“My roommates name was Robbie, and he was rushing a Jewish fraternity called ZBT when we were at Syracuse University. He was a very cool guy and we both got along really well, except for the fact that we had nothing in common. Robbie was a pot smoking deadhead, always listening to the Greatful Dead or some other kind of jam band. I didn’t smoke pot and listened to R&B and Hip Hop music. This didn’t keep us from being friends though, and I enjoyed talking with the guy.

So, all of the fraternity orientation and pledge stuff starts. He would be out all night, then get up really early in the morning writing a paper still drunk at around 8:00am. Always this same type of stuff. On one particular occasion, the pledges had to go out at 4:00am for a special pledge assignment. They were out late, drinking most of the evening. My roommate brought home a pledge brother, Sam, to crash in our dorm room. Robbie felt Sam was way too drunk to make it back to his dorm on his own, so like a good pledge brother trying to win the respect of the fraternity, doing his fraternal duty, he brought Sam home to crash in our room. I had met Sam before and liked him, but wasn’t ready for him when Robbie deposited him on our dorm floor. He was drunk beyond belief. I just knew that he was going to throw up at some point. They woke me up, and I told my roommate Robbie that if Sam puked in our room, I was going to kick his ass. That was the last thing that I needed at the time.

Robbie promised me that everything would be okay, as most people would in a drunken state at 5:30 in the morning. ‘No. No. He’s cool. Don’t worry about it. He’s just going to crash on the floor. He’s a little drunk. Everything is okay.’ Still, being the sober, responsible one, I had reservations. I said fine. All right. ‘He’ll just pass out,’ Robbie said. Like a wet rag doll, Sam fell to the floor and was passed out. Unfortunately, Sam’s head landed right next to my laundry basket, which was full of freshly cleaned and folded clothes that I had done that evening. I went back into bed and dosed off, only to be awoken by a noise that was familiar, yet frightening. I jumped out of bed, grabbed Sam just underneath his arm and began to drag him, still out cold, out of the dorm room. Feeling the earth move beneath him, Sam began to struggle a bit before I put him in his place. I said, ‘look motherfucker. Don’t try to fight me or I’ll kick your ass!’ That’s all it took, for the rest of the ride down the hall and into the bathroom.” 

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Blowing Smoke

By: Wendy

“I was a student in college, and it was my first year at Smith College. This was in 1988. They put me, the only Jewish girl, with the other only Jewish girl in that house. She was from New Jersey and she had this Horseshack (from the show Welcome Back Kotter) type laugh. One night I was tired. We had class early the next morning. She was on the phone until 11pm on a school night. She just kept talking and talking, even when I asked her to get off the phone. I wanted to go to sleep, but she wouldn’t get off the phone. So I borrowed one of my friend’s cigarettes and a lighter. I walked back in the room and said, ‘If you do not get off that phone in two minutes, I’m going to smoke this cigarette in our room.’ I didn’t smoke and neither did she, but at least she got off the phone. However, then it started circulating around the house that I threatened to burn her with the cigarette. So untrue and off the mark.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough

By: Bobby Sometimes all you need is a little perseverance and persuasion to get what you want. Bobby shows his sly technique while living with his friends Scott and John in a small apartment complex back in 1991 when he first moved to Los Angeles. “This really hot Armenian girl lived in the same complex as us. I was working her for about a year and nothing was happening. Time goes by and she eventually gets engaged. I even meet her fiancé since they would come over to my apartment. I continue to try to get together with her but still nothing is happening. So I try working a different angle, telling her ‘you really don’t want to get married only having had had sex with one guy.’ I kept telling her if you have sex with me and it’s bad, you win, if you have sex with me and its good, you still win. You have nothing to compare it to. I’m actually doing you a favor. You help me I help you. At least you’ll know where your guy stands. So, I guess something sunk in with her. One day she calls me out of the blue and says, ‘I called in sick to work. Come pick me up.’ I hadn’t had sex in a while. It was a drought for me, but I was ready. So, I pick her up and we come back to my apartment. She’s ready to get down and asks me, ‘where’s your condom?’ Luckily I had one in the apartment. We go at it all afternoon, from 12 in the afternoon on. Then I hear one of my roommates, Pat, comes home. She can’t get enough, and we end up going out in the hallway and start going at it there, but my roommate Pat is in his room. I know that he hears something, but can’t come out, especially after he figures out what’s going on. Poor guy was stuck in his room until we finish which was a little while, at least it seemed like it was.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Divorce Party

By: Pete

Pete found himself recently divorced and in need of a roommate. Instead of looking at the glass as half empty, Pete saw it the other way around and things turned out much better than he ever expected. “One of the fondest memories I have was when I was recently divorced. I had a divorce party and a lot of my ex-wife’s hottest friends came to the divorce party because they thought she was a bitch. My roommate at the time, Bobby, and I had a raging party. I had a guy roommate and I hooked up with one of my ex-wife’s hottest friends at the party. She was a model, a totally beautiful girl. Her name was Melinda and she says to me, ‘we should go out.’

So, about a week later I’m on a date with her and I tell her during the date, ‘hey, my roommates moving out, I’m going to need a new roommate.’ She says, ‘well, I have a friend who’s looking for a place to live.’  I said, ‘Okay, why don’t I meet her.’ So I meet her friend Kim after our date, and she says, ‘yeah I’m looking for a place to live.’ We move her in the next week. Now keep in mind, I’ve been on one date with Melinda, and now her best friend Kim just moves in as my roommate. Of course I’m a guy and start acting like a guy. Kim moves in, and we’re being friendly. That first week she moved in, it’s a weekend night and she says ‘why don’t we get some wine and just hang out.’ We get a couple bottles of wine, and sure enough, one thing leads to another. The next thing I know, I’m fooling around with this girl, Kim, my roommate. Half the time, I’m kind of bummed. I’m thinking, this is going to ruin my opportunity to hook up with her friend Melinda the model now, and she’s my roommate. She just moved in, and I don’t know if I want to live with someone I’m dating or date anyone I’m living with.

So we got to a certain point and the whole thing kind of calmed down, and now Melinda’s not calling me back. We go about another week or so, and Melinda, I think found out that something was going on. Kim and I decide we shouldn’t be going out if we’re roommates. Now I wasn’t getting anything from either, but then sure enough something did happen. About a week or two later both of the girls are over and they’re both drunk and Pete gets the invitation. And these are gorgeous girls. One is a model and the other is her hot looking friend. So they’re both kind of giggling, drunk and stuff, and one of them goes in the room and I ask Melinda, ‘Hey, how come I never got another date with you?’ She says, ‘because you’re going out with Kim.’ ‘I’m not going out with Kim. Something just kind of happened.’ ‘Oh, I thought you guys were exclusively seeing each other. Kim made it sound like you guys were dating.’ I said, ‘No! We’re not dating.’ Ten minutes later I get the call. They’re both in bed, both in their underwear, and they want me to join them. It was the experience of a lifetime, and as much as it was uncomfortable going forward the next four or five months with Kim, she never paid her rent on time. She was a total slacker. It was still a great night and every bit worth it.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

What Cable Box?

By: Jerry

“My roommates and I had one of those illegal cable boxes. The cable company was trying to crackdown on them and bust people by suing them. They were pulling some scams to get people to admit to it too. One day, my one roommate was the only one home. The cable people come and we have the box all setup. They say, ‘yeah, we have to come inside and check on some stuff.’ My roommate starts to become paranoid and tells them they are going to have to come back in a little bit. So they come back again, and my roommate had taken away half of the box. He didn’t take away both parts though. So they come back and say ‘we have to come in.’ My roommate says, ‘okay, come on in.’ My roommate then lets the cable people in the house and they see that there’s a box and say, ‘we’re going to have to test this line.’ So they stick a line into the cable box. This thing starts beeping like crazy and they say, ‘Hey, you guys have an illegal box!’ My roommate says, ‘We don’t have a box.’ ‘Listen this thing is telling me right now, you guys have a box. Either give me the box and it’s a done deal or don’t and you’ll face criminal charges.’ This is the cable man giving him all these scare tactics. So all of a sudden he scares my roommate to the point where he breaks and says, ‘okay, okay. I’ll give you the box. I don’t want anymore problems.’ He gives the cable man the cable box, which fully admits to the crime. He lets the cable guy start taking pictures of where the box was and everything. The cable man now has all this evidence and stuff. Next thing you know, we’re getting sued for $5000.00 and the cable bill was in my friend Jennifers’ name. All of a sudden the $5k lawsuit starts going to her. Why would you let the cable guy into your house to start with. He’s certainly not a cop or anything. You don’t have to let cable men into your house.

It actually became this big deal in the newspaper where the cable companies were going around pulling this scam on people. It was basically illegal in the way they were trying to bust people. They had no right to enter the house like that. It kept on going on forever, and they kept sending the bill for $5k. It was never paid. Nothing ever ended up happening. It was eventually dropped. The moral of the story is don’t let you cable guy in if you have an illegal box.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Baby Oil and a Bucket of Chicken

By: Kait

Having grown up in Cleveland, Kait was hoping to go to college far away from Ohio, but ended up getting a track scholarship to Kent State, so therefore wasn’t initially as excited to go off to college. Unfortunately, she applied late, and was therefore unsure of the roommate situation. “I was supposed to room with this girl on the volleyball team since they put athletes together. My first encounter with a roommate was with one I never had. She called me and said ‘I’ve lived here three years without a roommate so you’re going to have to move out.’ I had never even met her.” Fortunately for Kait, the volleyball player ended up moving out and crazy Latanya moved in. “She was very racist against white people and used to call me cracker all the time. She always slept naked too.

One night Latanya went to a George Clinton concert and somehow hooked up with the trombone player, and went on the road with them for about a month. Just left. Disappeared. She would call me randomly because her parents didn’t know where she was, so she would leave me messages just in case her parents did call. She’d have me tell them that she joined a sorority and that it was rush week and she couldn’t talk to anyone.” Latanya finally came back off the road with George Clinton and Kait had her first encounter with her the next morning. “I came home late one night and she’s already asleep on the top bunk. I’m on the bottom bunk. I wake up that morning to her jumping off the bunk. Since I’m on the bottom, I’m about ass level. I hear this strange sound, open my eyes, and there she is completely naked, rubbing baby oil all over her body, right in front of me. It was so disgusting.  This is the first thing I see in the morning.”

Kait had another encounter with Latanya that ended up being the last. “Since I ran track, I had to get up really early. This was around Halloween time and she had this guy over one night. She had him call me first and say ‘you need to leave the room because Latanya and I want to have some alone time.’ This was at 11:30pm and I have to get up early. So I told him I wasn’t leaving. Next thing I know, she had an entire group of dudes come over and they kept knocking on my door just to see if I would leave. They wanted to see if I would get pissed off enough. Instead, I just locked the door and stayed in my room. A couple nights later, on Halloween, one of my guy friends had a friend of his visiting who accidentally got locked out of his room. I told him to just come sleep on the floor of my room, no big deal since Latanya was supposed to be out of town. Well, she came home late that night and goes upstairs and bangs the door shut. She had called the Resident Assistant (RA) and told him that I have guys in my room. The RA comes out and says that its not a big deal, the guy is just sleeping on the floor, and that its 3am. Latanya says, ‘it will be a big deal if I get a gun and shoot her.’ I’m standing right there with the RA. She freaked out on me right in front of the RA. She eventually got kicked out of school in December, but I still had to live with her for 2 months. During that time she would get mad at me for the stupidest little things. Once I came home and she had ripped the cord out of the television so I couldn’t plug it in. I couldn’t watch television. She would also eat buckets of chicken and would wipe her fingers on my clothes, or take a key and key all of my CD’s to the point where they would break in half. That was a terrible two months, but I was glad when it ended.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Phasing Out

By: Bobby

“I had this roommate my freshman year, Robert, who was a real nerd. He was a stereotypical geek. A real yutz. After a while he could get real annoying and was very gullible. He never kissed a girl either, which should give you an idea. So I decided to play a joke on him one time. He knew I was friendly with the girls across the hall from us. There was a time when I was really into new age music, Yanni and shit like that. I would have my headphones on listening to music. I made up this term called ‘phasing out’ and said this to my roommate. I told him it was when you would leave your body and float around. I said that I could see everything while I was floating around too. Of course he didn’t believe me right off the bat. So I figured, I’ll keep hitting him with this stuff and maybe at some point he’ll believe it. Now, I happened to know that my friend, Natalie, who lived across the hall, would shower everyday at 4pm. Fortunately, my roommate didn’t know this fact. One day she had just gotten out of the shower.  He comes in our room and I tell him that I had my headphones on and was phasing out and saw Natalie across the hall in the shower and that she just got out.  Of course he says, ‘no way?’ I told him to go check it out. So he goes across the hall, knocks on the door and Natalie answers the door in a towel, her hair still wet. She says, ‘what’s up? What’s going on?’ He thinks this is really weird. I told her ahead of time that whatever he says to just believe it. So she goes along with it. Of course he’s still a little skeptical of it, saying that I probably knew that was showering. So I keep working it. I told my suitemate Brian about it one day. He worked at a 7-11. I said to him, ‘when you come home tonight tell us about a car accident that happened right in front of the 7-11 between two cars, maybe a Chevy Nova and a Pontiac Firebird. I’ll tell Robert about this ahead of time, that I saw this when I was phasing out, then you come in and verify it.’ So that day I tell Robert that I phased out in my sociology class and was flying over where Brian works and bam, saw this accident right in front of the 7-11. He says ‘yeah okay, we’ll see what happens when Brian comes home.’ So, Brian comes home that night and says, ‘Wow, you won’t believe what happened, I saw this accident in front of the 7-11,’ and describes everything the way I said it would be. Brian is freaking out, saying, ‘oh my god you have the power.’ I tell him that I need the music to phase out, but that I’m working on doing it without it. So, for months I kept up this charade, and figured it’s going to come in handy one day. One day Rob pissed me off something bad. I turn to him and said, ‘If you do that shit again, I swear to God I’m going to leave my body, enter yours and blow you up from the inside out.’ I started screaming at him. He freaked, his eyes widened, and he threw himself back in the corner and got into a fetal position, cowering. He even started crying. I kept thinking to myself, ‘wow what did I do?’ He was shaking. I thought this is too amazing. I didn’t think he was going to react that way. I felt bad, but I was still pissed and said, ‘you stay there and whimper until I get back.’ Then I went across the hall to see the girls and told them what happened. I’m gone for a good half an hour, and I tell the girls that I’m going to tell Rob the truth and end it. I come back to our room thinking he’s going to be calmed down. When I walk in, he’s on the phone with his parents saying, ‘there he is, he’s coming in.’ I can hear his parents, they’re trying to calm him down, saying on the other end of the line, ‘Rob, calm down.’ So I say to him, ‘hey Rob put your parents on hold,’ and he says to his parents, ‘he wants to talk with me. What should I do?’ I thought to myself, I can’t tell him the whole truth, this is too good. So I said, ‘Rob, I’ve learned to control my anger. I’ve learned to control my power, and I’m not going to blow you up or harm you. Just do what I tell you to do and don’t piss me off.’  So all of a sudden he says to his parents, ‘I’ve got to go,’ and hangs up then looks at me and says ‘I’m so sorry.’ I wasn’t his roommate after that, but I would see him around campus and he’d say, ‘hey, have you phased out anywhere?’ My response would be,  ‘Yeah, I’ve been to New Jersey, the Bahamas, Europe. It’s really great to fly free, but you can’t hang out with anyone. Just hang out in the air.’ This is a guy who was really book smart but had no street smarts at all. I wonder if he still believes I can do all this even today.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Pass the Tissue

By: David

“I was about 15 years old. I left my house in Montreal and moved out here to California with my cousin Glen. He was a recovering drug, cocaine addict. That’s besides the point though. I was staying with him for about 8 or 9 months, and he was nice enough to let me use his couch. I had been sleeping on this couch the whole time. What do you do when you’re sleeping at night and your 15 years old? Chances are your going to stroke the bishop. What do you do? Well you have to find somewhere to stash it, the by-product of my actions if you know what I mean.  For the longest time I would just take a tissue and shove it under the couch. About eight, nine months later, I decide to move out and get my own place. Now Glen didn’t really clean the apartment all that much to begin with when I was living there. However, at some point you have to clean the apartment, and when I left, I guess that was the time for him to do it. I’m long gone from there when he does get around to cleaning. He calls me up one day and says, ‘man, there is so much tissue under that fucking couch.’ There must have been a good 4 or 5 months worth. I had to feign ignorance and smile. I was only 15 years old after all.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Who Let the Guinea Pigs Out!

By: Jessica

“I was living with two other roommates, Abby and Robin at the time. I think it was Robin and I who played the first practical joke. We were living in the dorms and there were 4 guys that lived next door to us. So one weekend, while the guys next door were in Vegas, Robin and I broke into their room and covered up everything that was important with plastic, and took a tornado fan, turned it on, and put baby power in front of it and it blew all over the place. It looked like it had snowed inside their room.

They got home that night. Unfortunately, they had all lost money and their car broke down on the way back from Las Vegas. Needless to say, they weren’t in a good mood at all. On the way home, they had gotten a flat tire. None of them were in any mood to come home and deal with what we left them. Unfortunately, they didn’t find much humor in the practical joke that we had played. To our surprise, they just brushed it off, but said ‘watch your backs, we’re going to get you back.’

Nothing happened for a while. Then one day I come home from class, and all I hear coming from my room is screaming. I thought to myself, ‘this can’t be good’. So I open the door and there’s about 15 Guinea Pigs running around our apartment, pooping everywhere. It was unbelievable. These Guinea Pigs were everywhere. My roommates couldn’t get a hold on them. Apparently the guys next door somehow figured out how to open my window, and funneled all of these Guinea Pigs into the room. I had to go to the pet store and see if they would take them back. I definitely wasn’t very popular with my other roommates. After that, we always locked our doors and windows. Lesson learned.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Peanuts Anyone?

By: Ed

Sometimes, as we all know, a person can only take so much from a roommate until drastic measures need to be taken. Ed, a mellow Southern California musician, was easy going as roommate, until his roommate crossed the line, way over the line.

“I was living in a two bedroom apartment in Brea, California. I had to get rid of the last roommate because he sucked and never paid his bills. My new roommate was named Steve. He was a great guy and he wasn’t on drugs, so besides being a little bit of a slob I thought he would work out fine.

For the first few weeks it was a great time. It was the middle of summer, we lived right next to the pool, had all the beer we could afford, and girls were over every single night. Basically, everything a 20 year-old guy could want. But after about a month I was beginning to wear out and just needed a break from all the parties. When I asked Steve to give it a rest, his response was just ‘no’. His point was that since he paid half of the rent he could do whatever he wanted. And what ever he wanted he would do. He continued to have parties every single night. There were sexual acts with beer bottles, people puking on the carpet, broken furniture (my furniture). Just about everything in the place was destroyed. It eventually got to the point where we weren’t talking anymore and I just avoided him at all costs. Eventually, I decided to take a break from Steve.

My girlfriend at the time had been telling me she needed a vacation and wanted to drive up the coast to Seattle, hang out for a few days then drive back. So I decided to go. What the hell I thought, I could kill two birds with one stone. Get the hell out of town and keep the girl happy. Before I left I went over the rules with Steve. I wanted our place spotless when I returned and if it wasn’t he would be out on the street on his ass. Homeless!!

So, my girlfriend and I go on the trip and had a great time. But we still had to drive all the way back from Seattle, about 18 hours or so. We left at 7am and drove straight to Orange County. We made it home at about 3am and man were we tired. I just wanted to go upstairs and hit the sack. Unfortunately, we were in for quite a surprise. When I opened the door I was in complete shock. I had never seen a more trashed apartment in my life. They had covered the entire floor of the front room and dining room with peanut shells, kind of like the steakhouses where they still do that. There were outlines in the carpet made with tape from where people had passed out. Full mugs of beer that were upside down on my nice wooden table. At least seven of them like that. How did they do that? The kitchen sink was full of maggots, old food and barf, not to mention the piles of garbage stacked up and smelling up the kitchen. It was unbelievable. I was afraid to look in my bedroom. I went straight into Steve’s room where I found him in the sack with some drunk girl and a chinchilla. I swear a rodent was in the bed with them. In their defense they were just petting him. Steve had bought it as a pet a few days earlier and was showing it off to his new girlfriend.

Needless to say, at this point I would not have been shocked by anything, except what I saw next. I had purchased a lock for my door just before I left and was sure my room had not been violated. Wrong!! My door was in fact locked but when I entered my room I was shocked to find one of Steve’s buddies passed out naked in my bed! I freaked out and started yelling at him and smacking him telling him to get the hell out. My room was in shambles and my stuff was everywhere. Someone had gone through all my stuff. I was standing there fuming when I heard a noise in my closet. I opened the closet door and found a half naked girl crying in the closet. She was crying because she was sick. Barfing on my stuff. My girlfriend took care of that one for me. I was still fuming mad when I went into the bathroom and found the sink was clogged and filled with barf. That was it for me. I went into Steve’s room and told him I had enough. He had to get out. I grabbed my girl and left. We checked into a hotel around the corner. When I came home the next day it looked like he made an attempt to clean up, but it just wasn’t enough. I decided no more roommates after that. Steve and I are still friends but I would never let him move in with me ever again.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

It Came Out Blue

By: Steve

“This was my junior year in college and I lived in a dorm on campus. There were 6 of us in one apartment, 2 to a room, all guys. Next door was the same setup, but it was all girls. We were on the third floor of the dorm. The building had a huge quad in the middle and all of the apartments situated around it so when you stood outside your front door you were looking into the quad.

One night me and another roommate of mine, Gary, were bored and decided to play a prank on the girls next door. We knew that they were all going to be out late that night so we snuck into the living room of their apartment and decided to take everything out of the living room and set it up in front of the elevator outside in the hall. We figured when they came home, took the elevator up to the third floor, the elevator doors would open and it would look like the inside of their apartment. We had the couches setup the same way, pictures on the walls, lamps setup. Everything was out in the hall in front of the elevator. Then we went into the bathroom and took apart the separators between the stalls. We put cellophane wrap on the toilets, rubbed different toothpastes together, whatever we could think of. Well, they came home, obviously saw what we did, but never really said anything about it except for giving us strange looks once in a while. I think a couple of them said, ‘don’t worry we’ll get you back,’ which is exactly what we expected, but we never planned for what they actually did.

It was the week before a big holiday, I think Easter break, and the girls next door invited me and my roommates over for a little party to celebrate before we all left for break. They had a game called Passout, which ended up being a drinking game. Most of the drinks we played with were rum and cokes. The game went well and all of us had a great time and got pretty drunk. It was a good thing we only lived next door and could stumble home. You have to remember too, that when you’re in college and playing a drinking game with girls, the only thing you’re really paying attention to is the girls and the drinks. The whole evening went off well and seemed pretty harmless, that is until we woke up the next morning. We had one big bathroom that we shared which had a couple stalls, just like the girls next door. I think all of us were a little hung over that morning as I stumbled into the bathroom. I went into one of the stalls to take a pee, bracing myself against the wall of the stall when I looked down into the toilet bowl and noticed that the water was blue. At first I just figured that someone had placed one of those blue toilet cakes in the tank, which had turned the bowl blue. That was until I looked at the stream I was shooting, which was blue as well. Being a little hung over helped to subdue my initial shock, but the more I stared at my pee, the more concerned I became. I was peeing blue and not yellow, and it was a very deep blue color. I didn’t say anything, especially since a couple of my roommates were in the bathroom brushing their teeth. I thought maybe I had caught some kind of freaky disease that turns your urine blue. I told myself that I would just go to the schools free clinic after breakfast and have it checked out.

So, I get dressed and head over to the cafeteria to get breakfast. I’m eating by myself, when my roommate Gary leans over my shoulder from behind me with his breakfast tray in hand and says, ‘hey, did you pee blue this morning?’ ‘Yes, I did. What the hell was that about?’ I asked. Gary sits down across from me and tells me the whole story. ‘You know how?’ I asked, hanging on every word that Gary said. ‘Do you know what litmus paper is?’ Gary asked me. Fortunately, I did. Litmus paper is used to test the acidity in various solutions. From what I know, usually the paper turns a different color if the solution is acidic. Well, since your urine is very acidic, the litmus reacts and since someone had put litmus crystals in our drinks, it turned our yellow urine blue, meaning it was very acidic. ‘Apparently, its harmless.’ Gary said, anticipating my next question. At least I wouldn’t have to visit the clinic. One of the girls was a chemistry major and was the brains behind the whole thing. Since the drinks were rum and coke, they were dark enough to hide any blue color the crystals may have turned them. Little did any of us guys know, but our mouths were blue all night too. When I said that we only noticed the girls and our drinks, that was the obvious truth, especially since the girls kept saying things like, ‘Who wants to be blue?’ or ‘What’s your favorite color?’ then they would crack up. I guess we were so drunk we didn’t even realize they were laughing at us. Well, they got us back good.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

What Can I Say, It was Free!

By: Ernie “I had this roommate named Neil. He was a very strange bird. He was more of a very quirky individual. I lived with him for about eight years in San Francisco and he had this strange way about him. Let’s just say he was pretty cheap. His parents were mad coupon cutters. Double and triple coupons. He always got free stuff, like French coffee. It was a science and he had it down. The bulk of it was from coupon cutting though. So, whenever Neil went back home to Rochester NY, he would return with these suitcases full of stuff and they weren’t all his clothes. He had these Samsonite, 30’s style suitcases. They were plaid and terrible smelling, and were all duct taped together. They were terrible looking. They looked like they had been through the war. He would transport stuff that his parents got for free, like spaghetti sauce and toilet paper. He actually brought toilet paper, cross-country because it was cheaper than buying it from the grocery store. He would smash them down so they were flat, and he could fit a couple cases of the toilet paper into one of the suitcases. Then when you would try to use the toilet paper, the roll was completely lopsided. He would bring back laundry detergent, with all the lids taped on so they wouldn’t open up during the flight. This guy was a pro. He would also bring back this soap that looked like it was from the 1970’s. It was this Palm Olive soap in the green box with the yellow bar. His dad used to own a pharmacy, and when they closed it down there was all of this overstock of stuff. He left this stuff for his roommates and would keep the good stuff for himself, hidden for himself in his room. He was a total pack rat. We called our place the bomb shelter. He would store dried pasta and Ragu spaghetti sauce under his bed. There were just crates of it. If that wasn’t bad enough. When his room would fill up he would use my room. Whenever I would be out of town, he would come in my room since I didn’t have a lock at the time. Of course, I did later. He would go in my room and would hide pasta and soap and toilet paper in my closet and threw my clothes over them so I couldn’t see it. He made it look like a heap of old laundry. He would also keep all of the cardboard boxes, like from the toaster oven and microwave that we bought, because he was going to send them back for warranty somehow. He never broke down the boxes either, and would shove them in my room. My room was becoming his personal storage hanger for boxes and free toilet paper. One good thing is I never had to go out and buy this stuff. We always had plenty of toilet paper.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

A Happy Birthday

By: Shawn

Shawn was your typical 18 year old who expected the same things everyone else did from a roommate, but ended up being pleasantly surprised. This story has a happy ending, at least for Shawn anyways. “So it was my 18th birthday and I come home, sit down on the couch, and take my shoes off to relax. One of my roommates comes up to me and says, ‘Shawn, I just cleaned the house. Pick up your shoes and please take them to your room.’ I had two roommates at the time and they were guy porno stars. They had just gotten back from a road trip, and cleaned up the whole house. I pick my shoes up and my roommate says, ‘Shawn take your shoes and put them in your room. I just cleaned up the whole house and I don’t want them sitting on the floor. Please just put them in your room.’ I said, ‘no. I just got home from work. I want to watch some television. Come on man, relax.’ He just kept bitching and bitching. Finally, I just said, ‘screw it.’ So I pick up my shoes and go to my room. I open my bedroom door and there’s this girl naked, on my bed, with her legs behind her head, saying Happy Birthday Shawn. So, to make a long story short, they brought a nice girl home for me. Took care of me for my birthday.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

You play with fire, You get burned!

“I thought I had seen it all by the time I turned 21. I was wrong. One summer night when I was sleeping I was woken up by some strange noise from the front room of my apartment. I wasn’t too surprised because I was used to waking up in the middle of the night from strange noises since I had a noisy roommate who would always have people over. Well, nothing could prepare me for the sight I was about to see next. I opened the door, walked down the hall into the front room. What I saw was my couch, turned upside down and on fire. And next to it was one of my roommates friends on top of a very ugly girl having sex. They turned around and just gave me a blank stare. I started yelling at them and patted down the couch. I didn’t want to sit and have a discussion with my roommate’s drunken friend and his very ugly object of desire. I went back to bed, and decided to talk to them in the morning.

When I woke up the next morning the couch was where it was supposed to be (with a nice new burn mark) and the house was cleaned up. I called my roommate’s friend and asked him what the hell happened. He said he had met the girl at this little bar in Fullerton and brought her to our place because he wanted to get a little action. He couldn’t do that at home because he still lived with his parents. He was having a few beers hanging out on the couch smoking some cigarettes, when he decided the best way to get the action going was to play wrestle with this girl. Well, she was a big girl, and he was a big guy so when they went at it things got kooky. They knocked the couch over along with the lit cigarette. When they landed on the floor they started getting amorous and didn’t notice the flames a few feet away. Well, that is when I walked out and found the couch in flames. At least they cleaned up after. I teased that guy for years after that.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

A Real Shocker!

By: David

“My friend Mike and I were living in this apartment on Gardner Street in Hollywood. This was around 1993. Mike was an electrician and what he did was he wired up my bed, underneath my sheets. He ran this very thin wire, from his room into mine. He had a little push button setup under his bed. He would push this button and give me a little shock. I remember that I would be dreaming and in my dream I felt this little shock and I thought there was something wrong with me and my body. I would wake up and open up my eyes and was basically staring at the ceiling. I would feel this jolt wake me up. Then I felt the wire going through my sheets, right underneath them. It drove me nuts.

So I decided to do something to get him back. Now I have really really bad smelly feet. My family is known for having really cheesy, crusty disgusting socks. So I thought to myself, ‘what could I do, to fuck with Mike?’  I searched and found the crustiest socks I could find of mine.  Mike had these zippers that his girlfriend bought him for his dubay cover, and he had these matching pillow cases, with these cute little zippers. So I unzipped those suckers and I put a dirty crusty sock in each one of the pillowcases.  He’s sleeping there with his girlfriend one night. He walks into my room, and say’s, ‘alright asshole, where the fuck are those socks?’ I never told him where they were, until finally she just happened to clean the pillow cases and she pulls out the crusty socks, which were even crustier than when I first put them in there.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Dude, where's my pan?

By: Peter

It’s safe to say that at one point in our lives, sharing a place with a roommate, we’ve all experienced someone who doesn’t do their dishes. Pete discovered that this particular situation can sometimes be taken to the extreme.  “At the time I kind of always had to have a roommate and I knew this old musician buddy of mine. I was a little worried about this guy, especially when he first moved in because he was just so intense and weird. One of the things he would do was every Sunday I’d come home and he was camped out on the couch eating sardines out of a can and watching the Sci-Fi channel. It was just  a marathon Sci Fi channel session. The house would stink. You would literally have to vacate the house.  Unfortunately, the worst thing about him was that he would cook and make these home burgers. He’d use a half of a pound of beef and smash it down and make a hamburger on the stove and the pan would fill with grease. The house would smell like grease. He would never turn the fan on either. The worst part was that he would never do his dishes. I would say stuff like, ‘Hey dude, could you clean that pan?’ ‘No man, its clean.’ ‘No, you haven’t cleaned it. It’s been there for two days now.’ You look at it and there would be caked on grease.

So I finally decided I’m going to prove my point. He cooked a burger and just left the pan on the stove. I knew it would be at least a couple of weeks until he’d clean the pan to cook another burger. So I got a piece of paper and I wrote, ‘Dirty pan, by Bill’ and wrote down the date. I stuck it in the pan underneath the grease. The grease was still kind of soft. I waited and waited and waited. Finally, the pan was stinking the house up so bad, I stuck it in the oven and closed the oven door because at least it wouldn’t stink the whole house up. I kept waiting to see if he would clean it. He never cleaned it. It was over a month and a half and I was sitting there with him one day and my girlfriend was over. I said, ‘Bill are you ever going to clean that pan?’ ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about?’ ‘This pan right here. Dude, can you clean your pan?’ I pulled it out of the oven and showed it to him. He says, ‘I just used that the other day.’ ‘Do me a favor and come over here.’ I scrape off the grease and remove the paper and show it to him. He totally blows it off and say’s ‘Are you sure it wasn’t yours?’ It was just a classic example of how disgusting he was.

I finally found a way to get rid of him. I was getting married and I told him, ‘I’m getting married and of course I’m not going to want a roommate anymore. I’m going to want you to move out.’ He says, ‘Sure.’ It got down to about a month or two before I was getting married and I asked, ‘So Bill have you found a place yet?’ ‘No, this is a really bad time for me to try to find another place.’ ‘Well, I’m getting married and Amy’s moving in and Petey (my son) is going to need that room. You’ve gotta do something pretty soon.’ A week before I was getting married, he’s still sitting around the house like a squatter and I ask again, ‘Dude, can you find another place?’ ‘I don’t know, its kind of a tough time.’ What ended up happening was that Amy and I found a place for him. We moved him into her old place. It got to the night before her mom and whole family was coming into town. They were going to be sleeping in that room. He knew he was supposed to move out. We basically had to kick him out of the house. I said to him, ‘Amy’s mom is going to be sleeping in this room tomorrow.’ He was shocked and said, ‘Dude, what are you talking about?’ He was the worst roommate I’ve ever had. He had absolutely no clue. No common sense or decency.”

[crazyfunnywackyroommates]

Mad Dog 20/20

By: Chad

“One night we were drinking very heavily. We had decided to drink Mad Dog 20/20. Some people call it wine. We just called it alcohol. I didn’t really know what it was. We just drank it. It was in a flask like bottle, but we got ripped on it. So that night, we ended up going out to some party, and unfortunately my memory got a little foggy by the end of the night. Basically what happened was, at the end of the night, one of my roommates, Adam, was gone when we came back home. However, at the time we didn’t really care since we’re still pretty loaded. We continue the party back at our apartment, playing Sega or whatever it was we did, and end up having a great time. Adam walks in a little later and says, ‘Dude, I just hooked up with the hottest girl ever!’ He starts telling us all about this girl. How beautiful she is, how perfect, everything. We were really happy for him and said, ‘that’s great man, very cool.’

The following day, we get a knock at the door. My other roommate David is standing behind me. I open the door and there’s this girl standing there, and she really isn’t that pretty, but asks for Adam. Turns out that he was so loaded that he thought this girl was hot, but she really wasn’t. It as a typical beer goggles situation. In fact she was kind of homely looking. She wasn’t fat, just ugly to us. Our roommate Adam felt really bad about it. We started calling her Mad Dog because we were drinking Mad Dog the night before. Well, it turns out that since he felt so bad for her, he ends up dating her. The next thing we know they end up getting married. Later, I even wrote a song about them called Mad Dog 20/20. As far as I know they are still married.”