I’m sorry for giving up. It’s not been easy.
When I was young, I have a purpose. I want to graduate so I could help my family by doing the thing that I really love. I’ve never looked beyond it. I thought I’ll be able to figure it out after that. Go with the flow. You can do it.
I took the course that I really wanted: Journalism. Those 4 years were my golden years. But after graduation, I failed so many interviews on companies I really want to work for. So I settled on jobs that were not really my passion. Post-production… researcher for a betting site… Proofreader for a Catholic publication…Those were good but thankless jobs. I accepted whatever was in front of me because my family really needs the money. I thought it would help but my dad keeps on spiraling down and causes the family problems each year. And now we are about to lose our fucking house. Sorry I just keep on rambling now.
Slowly, I forgot about my passion… what I really wanted. Then myself. One day, I woke up and was faced with a dilemma. Am I doing things right? Am I doing the right thing? Am I pursuing something because that is what I really want or it was just for other people?
As I saw my friends and acquaintances go forward in life, I felt so small. They said that each person has their own time and destination on which they have to go through their own pace. But how can you just accept it as it is and not wallow when you see them getting married, having their own kids, pursuing another degree, going to other countries to work there, while you are still stuck on the same place? Even my boyfriend is forging his own path in the media industry. I don’t know if I still want to hear his stories because I just keep on getting hurt not because I hate him but because I wanted to do the same thing and getting the best benefits at the same time. But I can’t. Because the fam needs the money. And the media industry can’t give me that. For some reasons, he is lucky on things like this. And my life just sucks.
Is it my fault? I don’t know. Maybe. Because I did decide to do those things. But is it entirely my fault? I don’t know.
These past few days, I felt so empty. Despite laughing with the people I loved the most, I feel so empty. Sometimes I just stare blankly at an empty space and definitely not think about anything. Not happy. Not sad. Nothing. Despite all the love I am getting, I sometimes don’t feel anything.
Yesterday, I looked in the mirror. I asked her if she’s okay. She just cried. But she fought back the tears because her sisters are in the area.
The only thing that keeps me going: my loved ones. We were talking about this funny story on social media when I suddenly felt it. “I can’t do this anymore.” Everyone was laughing; I was, too. But then, I felt I can’t go on.
“Ah, so this is what they felt.”
I’ve read about it so many times. Met people who felt the same way, too. But this is the first time I ever felt it. I denied it for some hours but I accepted later on that what I felt was real.
Right now, everything is still blurry. But I feel dark as well. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but if my life ends tomorrow, all I want is for my family to be happy, especially my mom. She already had a hard life. She is still living in one right now. I just want her to be okay.
