I Wanna Do Bad Things With You...

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Changing My Attitude

Every time I sit down to write a post on this thing I always start out thinking of all the negatives going on in my life. It turns into a complain journal. And who the hell would want to read that? I don't even want to read it and it's my life. Haha!

I've decided to make a pact with myself, and only post things that I would want to read. No complaining. No negativity. I'm going to try to adopt that philosophy in my everyday life as well, but let's take small steps first, lol.

I'm excited for this holiday season. I'm not really excited for anything I may get. I'm pretty much all set with having everything I want. I really hope my husband will get me something he thinks I will like and stop asking me what I want. I want a surprise damnit!

What I'm really excited for is to see the kids faces when they open their gifts. I spoiled them kinda rotten this time. 

I also can't wait to get started on my Christmas Cookie EndeavorTM. I'm going to make my usuals - chocolate chips (I don't make those crappy crisp, hard kids - mine are soft and cake-like), chocolate cookies with peanut butter chips, and peanut butter "fudge" topped with a thick chocolate shell. I've compiling a list of at least 4 new cookies to try.

And maybe even this:

As well as making some real fudge. It's going to be so much work and I'll probably gain five zillion pounds, but it will be worth it to spend time with the kids and creating awesome items to give to our family and friends.

Well, it's time to get back to my favorite thing in the whole world! Work! :D (that was fake enthusiasm :| ). 

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Antisocial

I've become amazingly, unashamedly and brutally antisocial. I honestly don't want to be around most people most of the time. I'm tired all the time, and even though I get a good 7/8 hours of sleep a night, I still don't feel energetic at any point of any day. At this point I don't even want to hang out with my husband. And forget doing "normal" things like getting out of the house during the week. I just can't even do it anymore.

Maybe I'm becoming agoraphobic.

Or something.

I do get out occasionally, and more often than not someone comes over to visit/party during the weekends... and that's all well and good with me, but who knows... I'm just a weirdo I suppose.

More often than not though I'm insanely busy with work and constantly overbooking myself. Why? I haven't a clue. I'm a sucker for punishment I suppose.

There are som many things I want to do. Projects I want to start. Sites I want to build. Designs I want to start. Crafts, baking, cooking - hell even shopping outside of the home. I'm so stuck doing work for other people that I'm never first.

And it's not just clients and work. It's all the of responsibility with family, kids and other nonsense. I feel like the more time goes by, and the more I do... the farther behind I fall. And that shouldn't happen. I'm working overtime, but it seems like I'm getting nowhere.

Oh, well. I have absolutely nothing prolific or enlightening to add, except I'm pretty sure my brain is going to implode soon.

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Oh

Baby came out :) Had to force her out, but she finally arrived 8/29 @ 5:17 PM.

Thank goodness that nightmare is over.

I call bullshit on any woman claiming to love pregnancy. And this is coming from someone who has four children.

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Dear baby,

Remember when I said I wanted you out? O-U-T? How I couldn't stand you in there anymore?

Well, I meant it. And nothing has changed EXCEPT I have a ton of work to do. I don't want to mess up these contracts... Do you think we could agree to go into labor on the weekend? Like Friday night? I mean, by all means, please come when you feel like it - but the weekend works better for me and your dad.

Love always,

Mom

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Naughty selfish girl...

It has been 36 weeks and 2 days.

I have still not given birth.

I'm telling you I am SO over this. 

I know, you're thinking, "Wait a minute... aren't you supposed to go 40 weeks. Naughty selfish girl...."

Well, yes. But technically 36 weeks is the marking point for the baby being fully cooked. 40 weeks is more "well done" (packing on the pounds basically). I don't think I can mentally or physically make another 3 weeks 5 days (or more should I go overdue).

But who's counting?

Plus, I make big babies. Really good sized babies. My first son was about a week early - clocking in a 8lbs 9oz. My first daughter - 9lbs 4oz (exactly one day late) and my last son, came 11 days early and weighed in at 7lbs 13oz (had he been "well-done" he'd prolly be close to 10lbs according to my doc).

So, all I am asking for is some relief. I can barely walk. Rolling over at night? Pssssshhhhh. Impossible without waking my husband for a hand.

I could show you EXACTLY where my sciatic nerve runs through my back and legs since I have CONSTANT pain.

And my girly parts feel like I got kicked by a clydesdale. All the time.

And I won't even get into the constant urination, constipation AND the inability to stop eating since I am ravenous all the friggin' time!

Not to mention, this little girl is starting to stretch my stretchmarks. And by that I mean the longest stretchmark I had just got a teensy bit longer. :(

It doesn't help that my friend's fiance just had her baby yesterday :/ Wack. (I mean congrats!)

So now every time I log into facebook I have to see the pics of their beautiful brand new baby girl, while mine is just rolling around in my belly still causing me severe pain and longing.

Hubby was sleeping next to me the other night with his hand on my stomach and the baby shifted quickly and violently in such a way that it was (super painfully) sticking out of my belly. He was actually woken up by this and nearly jumped off the bed. Serious "Aliens" moment. I'm surprised he was able to go back to sleep after that.

I merely laid there and wept, hoping for the torture to end.

I've learned after doing this 4 times I am definitely NOT one of those women who enjoy pregnancy. 

Yeaaaah, I'm a slow learner.

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I'm not selfish, really, I'm just a bitch!

Well, yesterday I proved to myself just how selfish I am. Perhaps due to this pregnancy - or just because I'm a bitch in general.

So hubby had a friend come up and they were supposed to go shooting together - but the non-stop rain squelched that idea. I left for a few hours to take my kids to their father and pick up some groceries. On my way back I got a call from hubby telling me he was going to see Morty. Morty is an old man who owns a bar down the road. Our favorite bar. A bar I have not set foot in since November. :(

I immediately felt like yelling at him and crying. LOL. How pathetic right? Why should he have all the fun? Why should he be allowed to go out, get drunk and hang with his friends while I suffer the consequences of this pregnancy? Lame, right? But, this is how I felt.

I mean, I didn't even WANT to be pregnant. I already had three children. I was done... not to say I'm not happy that we are having our own child together - but the point is that I wasn't prepared, ready or willing, lol. But, here we are. And if I have to suffer for 9 months with sobriety and living straight edge - I want him to suffer too.

Luckily I kept my cool with him though - gave him a slight attitude so he knew I was a bit irritated - but let it go. And they were back within 2 hours anyway. 

Gosh, I'm so selfish. I couldn't even let him have a good time. I even disappointed myself - why would I want to cry over such a thing? I guess it's the fact that I felt left out and trapped in this pregnancy. And hormones. I totally blame it on the hormones.

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I fail (but who didn't see that coming?)

Well, my plan is of course a failure. I can't wake up at 7am for the life of me. So, I fail.

I'm going to blame it on being pregnant though. :D I mean really, who has energy at 35 weeks pregnant to do anything? Hell, I've been awake nearly 2 hours already and I could literally lay down and take a nap right now.

Not sure why this coffee isn't kicking in!

I've officially completed all my tasks on 1 project and will be diving headfirst into another today to take a huge chunk out. So I do get an A+ for that!

I hate to say this, because it's not the "popular" thing - but I can't wait until I give birth and get settled back home so I can smoke a cigarette. I know it's no good for me. I know it's not good for those around me. It doesn't take away the fact that I love everything about it (save for the way it makes me smell) and it is much better than munching on gummy bears and twizzlers for my weight :) . I have not found a single thing in all my years on this world that can beat it.

And, I will not apologize for it - I'm going to enjoy it and feel free once again.

It will drive hubby crazy though, lol. Oh well!

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Dear Daniel Schuler,

The fact that you are suing the state of New York and your brother-in-law (who's 3 beautiful daughters your junkie wife murdered) is baffling, disgusting and a disgrace.

You need to take a hard look in the mirror and recount the days, months or years leading up to the events of July 26th, 2009. You're wife was drunk and high. With a blood alcohol level of 0.19 with even more alcohol in her stomach that hadn't yet been absorbed into her blood, AND high THC levels from the weed she was smoking - you have no argument. You can sit and repeat to your self every day for the rest of your life that she wasn't like that - but apparently you are in denial. The evidence doesn't lie. Maybe your wife did - but her conditions at death do not.

Denying these facts are a slap in the face to the people whom have already been so badly hurt due to this tragedy, including your own son.

You're wife murdered those people - yes even your 2 year old daughter. She was driving erratically while drunk and high with 5 children in the car. And then she made the fatal decision to take the ramp onto the highway in the WRONG direction. How is that the state's fault? The exit is clearly marked with 4 different signs! And, had it been a mistake - why did she not IMMEDIATELY pull off and turn around? Why did she continue driving in the FAST LANE for 1.7 miles at a speed of 85mph? How is any of this a mistake or the fault of anyone but your wife?

If anyone should be getting sued it should be you. Why the Bastardi family or your brother-in-law have not yet done so is baffling. I believe you had full knowledge of the mess your wife was- be it as a full-time junkie or someone with emotional issues that triggered this tragedy. You allowed her to drive a vehicle with 5 innocent children in it that she maliciously murdered, taking herself out and three innocent men as well. It's sick- just like you.

The worst part of this whole thing is the fact that your son Bryan will forever be damaged by the memory of his mother doing this terrible thing and mentally scarred by the fact that you are denying how it happened. This poor child is going to be so confused as he grows older. I hope that with the support of therapists and other family members he is able to piece his life together and move on from this.

This post was prompted as I just finished watching the last half of There's Something Wrong with Aunt Diane: an HBO documentary that tries to figure out what happened in one of the worst "accidents" in Westchester County since 1934 - where 8 people died and 3 were injured.

If you are not from the area you may not recall the 2009 "accident" on the Taconic Parkway where Diane Schuler, drunk and high seriously injured her 5 year old son, killed herself, her own daughter, 3 nieces and 3 men in another vehicle by driving 85mph the wrong way for 1.7 miles. She was a sick woman, who did something terrible - and her husband is continuing the insanity by denying the fact that his wife did anything wrong. Daniel Schuler is blaming everyone but the only person who caused this mess. Now he is even going as far as blaming his wife's brother - who's three daughters were among those killed in the crash - because she was driving his car.

I also refuse to honestly refer to this tragedy as an "accident". This was by no means an accident. How can someone driving 1.7 miles down the wrong way of a highway drunk and high at a speed of 85mph be an accident?

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In other news

I deserve a big fat medal. A shiny one in gold... After I pushed and pushed and pushed myself to not do any work, I actually sat myself down and worked all day. ALL DAY. I even managed to almost complete one project! So, medal. Now.

But of course, all that success is short lived as always. My grand plan of accomplishing the same today was thwarted by none other than myself once again. I planned once more to get up at 7, do the ellipitical, and go about my daily business, but when I woke at 7 my husband was still there... so warm, so cozy. So I closed my eyes and promised myself I would wake when he did and start my day.

Problem was that instead of getting up at 10 after 7 like he set his alarm... he shut it off and slept in to 8:30, when I frantically jumped out of bed rushing to get ready.

Oh, well. 

We also managed to leave the house late- at almost 10am instead of 9:45 to make it to my 10:15 doctors appointment, which I of course was late for. But, the good news in all of this is that at my appointment I have found out I'm 2cm dilated already! Perhaps I will go early like I want... and the only reason I WANT to go early is because my due date coincides with several project due dates. And of course of my constant procrastination I know everything is just going to smash together!

If I could only put so much effort into the things I should be doing instead of focusing on all the things I want to be doing I'd be in good shape...

Until then...

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Procrastination by 9AM

Of course, last night - even though I could barely keep my eyes open as I worked as soon as I lay down to sleep my mind goes into overdrive and I ended up laying there for damn near 2 hours without sleeping a wink :(

When the hubby woke up at 6AM I awoke too, only to lay there, begging my body to fall back asleep- until 7AM when I just gave up and got up. Of course I didn't get up and go straight to working on my projects though. I spent 30 minutes on the ellipitcal, showered, dressed, made breakfast for the little ones, then spent some quality time with facebook - minding my Cafe in Cafeworld. Oh the joy and excitement of my world.

And now, in one last ditch attempt before I dive head first into this project I am writing this post. :D 

Which brings me to the following list - "Things I can't wait to do as soon as this baby is out of me!"

sleep on my stomach

smoke cigarettes (ew, gross I know - but whatever - no one is perfect, least of all me!)

drink any type of alcoholic beverage (I don't even care what it is wine, liquor, beer.... no problem.)

walk without waddling like a fat duck

lose all this chunk-tacular weight I've accumulated

run, jump, kick, swim, etc (ie: be able to move!)

roll over in the middle of the night without having to wake hubby to assist :D

get in an out of the car without feeling like my hips are ripping in half

pee less

lift, bend over and squat

and of course - hold, kiss, hug, love the new baby :D

Today I am 35 weeks and 1 day. I have 4 week and 6 days left of this torture, but really, who's counting...

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There Ain't No Such Thing As Normal...

I just spent a criminal amount of time trying to decide on a subdomain for this blog. And I'm still not even happy with it, but I finally gave up and gave in to "creativedropout".

I'm trying to keep my eyes open while I'm watching True Blood, and be all insightful, but I'm unbelievably tired. Guess being 35 weeks pregnant will do that to you. Not to mention how uncomfortable it is to sit here with my laptop propped on my belly and the baby is kicking it all over.

Technically I should be working, but for some reason I'm finding it near to impossible to do so the past couple of weeks. Not sure if it is procrastination, or being so tired because of this pregnancy - but I need it to be OVER.

I'd drink a coffee or a soda, but then when I finally DO want to crawl into bed and sleep I'lll lay there for hours unable to shut my mind off, even though my body will be screaming for some rest. So what do I do?

Nothing- for now. Hopefully once the baby comes, and we get over the initial "omg new baby phase", I'll be right back to normal. Well, as normal as it gets for me!

I've always been a procrastinator. Pushing things off to the last minute. Finding other things to do instead of what I have to do, no matter how unappealing (laundry) or how mundane (cleaning the fridge)... Finding a way to fight these urges, and to stop myself from straying from the real task at hand is the challenge I've been unable to accept and conquer.

And here I go again - creating this blog in order to procrastinate work once again... Wasting over 2 hours of time... for selfish motivations instead of just getting done what I needed to. I could have nearly finished one project if I just put as much time into that as I have into this completely meaningless blog - which I will promptly forget and mostly likely never write in again.

Of course now it's after 10 and I'm too fucking tired to do anything other than finish off my show - my brain can't even try to process any type of coding/design/logic at this point. I can barely finish typing this paragraph...