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@creepy-uncle-beansprout
What is the best, dirtiest joke you know?
Blind man walks into a fish market, takes a deep inhale through the nose, and says “hello ladies”, because he is a frequent customer at the fish market and is friendly with the ladies that work behind the counter.
Android or iPhone?
To be completely honest with you, sir or madam, I prefer neither. Instead, I am a staunch supporter that the telegraph machine is the greatest method of electronic communication there is, has ever been, and will ever be. What sort of individual creates a communication device that is so homo-centric as a cellular phone? A device that requires opposable thumbs is only good for humans, monkeys, raccoons, and beavers. Telegraphs, however, require only that the user, whether he or she be a tarantula, a sea-otter, or in my case, a vegetable/legume/whateverbeansproutsare to tap a small lever. As a beansprout, I only need to jump up and down in rhythmic and precise patterns to get my message across. This is less simple on a keyboard, where my jumps must be horizontal as well as vertical, having to jump a collective 18 inches back and forth across the keyboard to spell the word “whiskey”. Birds can use the telegraph. Bees can use the telegraph. Even educated fleas can use the telegraph. Let’s do it. Let’s use the telegraph.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
What should I text to get the attention this guy I have a crush on?
Interesting question! It is good that you came to me with this question. Regardless if whether you, the asker/reader, are a female, male, or a sexually active amoeba, the following advice is sure to get any dude’s attention, whether that dude be a dude, a dude in a chick’s body, a chick in a dude’s body, or an attractively promiscuous unicellular paramecium.
Individuals of the male persuasion are typically simple minded creatures with one goal in mind: bom-chika-waw-waaa (that’s right: food). They also like sex, too. Sexy food renders them catatonic.
The ideal text to capture the interest of one of these creatures should incorporate both food and sex to ensure maximum success. This will require some preparation. Find out what his favorite foods are. Find out what his favorite type of pornography is. Acquiring this information may prove to be difficult, as most men are very private about what kind of food they enjoy eating. Men typically eat their food in the middle of the night, in the privacy of their own darkened bedrooms with the blinds closed, while everybody else is asleep. Yes, it is quite a sight to behold, with their faces illuminated by the glow of their computer screens, watching “The Blacklist” on Netflix with headphones while rhythmically and pleasurably stuffing their faces with their food. Thus, acquiring this information will require the clever and discreet placement of video cameras around their bedrooms and bathrooms (as some men prefer to eat in the bathroom while staring at their cell phones). Keep an eye on him for a couple of months, since men sometimes go through phases; Indian, Mexican, Japanese, and Cuban foods are all common phases that men seem to go through. Watching him for a few months will give you a good idea on what his favorite foods are.
After ascertaining his favorite food and type of pornography, you may input these values into the “text message formula” below:
“Hey, wanna come over? We can order [insert favorite food] and [insert what they do on his favorite pornography/preparations for performing what they do on his favorite pornography] while we wait for the delivery boy.”
For example, if you find out that his favorite food is corn on the cob and that he is partial to beastiality, the following text message should be sent:
“Hey, wanna come over? We can order [corn on the cob] and [go outside and trap a freaky lookin’ squirrel] while we wait for the delivery boy.”
If this does not work, or he still seems hesitant, a picture message would be appropriate. Perhaps a picture of your ‘buns’ next to some sesame seed hamburger buns, captioned with “which buns would you rather have?” Actually, that’s a pretty good one. You can’t use it, it’s mine, think of your own.
If all else fails, you can always do what everybody else does and just say “hey” or “wha’s happnin” or something dumb like that. And, if by chance you are in fact a sexually active amoeba, then i am not entirely sure what to say to you except: get lost you little punk ass amoeba.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
What is the easiest way to have sex in a library without getting caught?
In the manga section of the library. Nobody goes there but manga geeks that are too involved in their animated world that real fleshy human intercourse makes their minds shut down.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
It's summer and I have a lot of free time. Any good book recommendations?
50 shades of grey kills twice the time of a normal book—one unit of time reading and another unit of time cuddling the kielbasa.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
Why do you have to pee more the closer you get to a bathroom?
Ah. The age old question. To answer this question we must go back. Way back in time. To the time of the big bang.
In the beginning, there was nothing but a small highly dense ball of energy. Spontaneously, the ball of energy exploded like a sac of silicone within the breast of Tom Brady’s latest hooker. Within a second of this explosion, the energy converted into all the matter we see in the universe. Now, imagine if you will, that you have consumed a small explosive device. Perhaps some Chicken Tikka Masala, perhaps some of Zatarain’s Jambalaya. It is highly unlikely that consuming a product of this caliber would leave the digestive tract (intestines all the way to the anus — pronounced EH-noos) completely intact. Your tubing would have many holes in many areas. Now imagine that the universe is a thin woven sheet with threads of space and time running perpendicular to each other. If Zatarain’s can rip your ass tubing, imagine what the big bang would do to this thin sheet of space-time.
So we have established that the Big bang left the universe with many holes of varying size all over the space time continuum. Now let us examine excretory system. Your genitals are highly sensitive to the effects of gravity. If you don’t believe me, try looking for a picture of a flaccid penis pointing up. HAH thought so. Now delete your browser history. Try looking for a picture of a floating vajayjay. HAH thought so. Now delete your browser history again.
Interestingly, these little holes in the fabric of space time manifest themselves as black holes. Many and many a year ago, in the deserts of Harappa, the indigenous…Harappans…discovered something that shook the foundations of their world; they found many—MANY—of these tiny rips in the space time continuum. And the sensation that they felt when around these holes was the strong and overwhelming sensation to excrete their urine due to the pull of gravity on their genitals (their excretory organs). Eventually, these tiny holes became known as “cholezze”, as in “cholezzegoatekkedelik”, or in modern english: “yo lets go take a leak”. Eventually, like broken telephone over many years, “cholezze” became “toilets”.
The modern governments of the world have encased these tiny black holes in porcelain prisons, so that the matter consumed by these black holes would be regulated. To maintain the usefulness of these black holes, these porcelain prisons had one entrance: a small tube of four inches in diameter guarded by water.
Thus, when u go near what you know to be a “toilet”, there is a cosmic force at play pulling—tugging—at your excretory organs, beckoning your liquid excrement to come forth and be consumed by the black hole created billions of years ago.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
When is the best time to trim my pubes?
11:42 in the evening, Eastern Standard Time. But, you know, it’s your hair…
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
What do you do when you've been selfish and really hurt someone you care about? How can you make it right?
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? What happens when a bull enters a china shop? What happens when you drink OJ after brushing your teeth?
Chaos of the worst possible kind.
However, what is the actual source of this chaos? Let’s examine.
Self-admitted selfishness suggests magic. Magic in the sense that selfish people seldom acknowledge their selfishness, so there must be some dark powers taking action. You’ve really hurt someone you care about. So it is natural to assume that they’ve probably been feeling really sorry for themselves, perhaps even that they’re forcing your hand into touching the bucket of “feeling sorry” shit. Perhaps, even, and this is a stretch, he has been running around the country, pleading anybody and everybody with auditory capabilities “PLEASE, PLEASE FEEL SORRY FOR MEEEEEE!”
A good magician never reveals his tricks. I have never claimed to be a magician and this is not my trick, so i will share with you. This conjurer of cheap tricks (which Gandalf has expressed he is not) has been creating a world where everybody must feel bad for him, and since every story needs a villain, he has conveniently placed you in that role. With everything in place, it is only time until BAM! you are a self-admitted selfish person.
But had you really done anything wrong? is it your place to feel as if you’ve done something wrong because somebody tells the world you’ve done something wrong? If he tells the world you are a panda bear, will you sprout black and white fur and start eating bamboo?? hm?
no. NO (not sure how to do an accent on the “O”). That is not the life of a decent human. equivalent exchange is the principle by which the world revolves. If you give someone a sack of dirt and they give you a barrel of toxic waste, how can the principle of equivalent exchange stand? No matter how much they are hurt, only a fraction of that is on you, mark my words.
So we’ve arrived at the point where we know that this saucy wench has been conjuring tricks on you. where to go from here? How do we make this right? expose him for the inconsiderate nincompoop that he is. a very wise man once said that it is better to die a tiger than to live a pussy. well, my friend, this person is living like a pussy. a yeasty pussy. and it is no fault of your’s that the people who he has been lying to are taking his hot air, his queefs and turning them into unquestionable, incontrovertible words. so how do you make this right? vagisil. cover him in vagisil. and perhaps to completely stop him from spewing his nonsensical discharge, a gentle glide vaginal dementor tampon. o, and tell him to grow a pair. this is how to make it right.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
what does a beansprout plan to do over the summer?
I apologize for the long hiatus (pronounced: hee-EH-toos), but i believe the answer to this question will provide a sufficient explanation.
So what does a beansprout plan to do over the summer? well let me tell you. as a beansprout, every may is “preparation month”. It is the month that we prepare for our summer-long journey to flee the mouths of humans. yes, the humans, those gluttonous humans, they make us run and hide for our lives every summer (especially those asian humans) so that we may avoid ending up as a garnish to pad thai or sweet and sour pork. it is a long and arduous task, and only the strong survive. obviously, i have survived to tell the tale. so now you know what a beansprout does over the summer: avoid you.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
What's your favorite type of cereal?
Honey nut cheerios. i like wearing them as clothing-rings around my body. Yes, bean sprouts are thin enough to fit inside the little honey-nut-hole.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
All I want from my girlfriend is sex. Does that count as love?
No, that counts as horniness. Do not mistake being horny with being in love. Helen of Troy may have saved many lives if she had recognized this distinction. Downton Abbey would be much less stressful. That dude from TLC’s “Don’t go chasing waterfalls” would still be alive. Frappuccino’s wouldn’t exist.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
Should I always shower after going to the gym?
If you are a female, then it is maybe. some men like their women to smell good, but others like their women to smell like a dirty gym bag, a strange fetish that originated in the old times of Russia, where bathing was a luxury.
If you are a male, then it is also a maybe. Some women prefer their men to smell like the man from Irish Spring commercials, while others like their men smelling like manly men, people who sweat all day and get their hands dirty, a fetish that originated in ancient Japan, where bathing was a luxury, as they had not yet learned how to weave together the souls of the dead whales and dolphins to create a bathtub. (They know how to do this now, apparently, and they are mass producing!)
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
Why are you the bean sprout? That's quite unattractive.
Why a beansprout. A very good question indeed: a question that has had me pondering my existence for the past few weeks. But then I have come to a realization: the bean sprout is the most attractive organism ever. The long slender form and figure of the stalk, the beautifully round, bulbous head, and the beautiful shades of yellow that spread over the body like a spray-on tan.
And then, my dear friend, my focus turned to you. What kind of ignorant organism would call a bean sprout unattractive? I am guessing you are a creature of the Homo genus, probably of the species sapiens. I have come to this conclusion based on the fact that i am the only non-Homo sapiens organism that has learned to intelligibly utilize a computer that i have ever known. That said, I have a couple words for you.
Sometimes we see flaws in others that we refuse to acknowledge in ourselves. You humans, with your disgusting body hair, like furry little hobbits, running around like you rule the world. Your long spindly phalanges attached to your long spindly arms attached to your short, stubby torso. You humans are like a mr. potato head doll, but instead of a potato and little plastic figures, you have a monkey face attached to a misshapen jicama, with celery stalk limbs, you make me sick. And furthermore, you have these strange milk-dud like nipples.
So before you look at a bean sprout and criticize our appearances, how about you take a look at yourself first. you make me sick.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sproutds
How do I find happiness in life?
Ah the age old question. Everybody wants to find happiness in life. But only the fool goes searching for it. Happiness can be found anywhere. There is not a place on this Earth that does not have some form or another of happiness. However, it is up to you to find happiness where you are. Some people travel the world in pursuit of happiness, but those who are really happy are those that find it…they grow happiness right where they are like one would grow a flower or a beansprout. Set sail. Go forth and find it.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
I have girl problems. Do you?
i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one. yo. Bean Sproutesses though, whole different story.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
my penis wants your ass.
Perhaps you should go to a biology lecture some time, and you will realize that bean sprouts do not have asses, instead they get rid of their wastes through their roots and such. Nice try perv man.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout
What do you think about my "fun size" asian penis?
From here on out, since this is a family-oriented blog, we will substitute the word penis with “candy bar”.
I think you don’t always need a big candy bar. Sometimes the fun sized candy bars satisfy your unyielding desire for a candy bar, without having to handle such a big candy bar. Sometimes you can’t even handle a whole big candy bar…after a certain point, putting more and more of that candy bar in your mouth becomes just nauseating. the thing about fun sized candy bars is that they can be extremely satisfying, while not exhausting and filling. It seems a nice change of pace to go for the fun sized candy bars after just going around and getting sick of big candy bars.
So to you i say: do not fret that you have a fun sized candy bar, while other people have normal to big sized candy bars. they are just as satisfying, and carrying around a smaller candy bar in your pants is much less strain on your “pants region” than lugging around a huge one all day.
-Creepy Uncle Bean Sprout