[crimsonmeadow]

I want you to know that I understand your pain completely, and I will surely do anything to make it better if only you'd let me

[crimsonmeadow]

I like you so freaking much now I can't remember the time I don't

[vomitingwords]

“I hope the universe will let you learn how to love yourself, completely.” he said. “Before it makes you fall deeply in love with someone else.”

Hey, Fate // ma.c.a

[crimsonmeadow]

A friend talked to me the other day.

She wondered why we do not get the same giddiness like we felt on our earlier romantic relationship.

Why back then everytime we got a text from our crush it felt like the whole butterfly in the world moved to our stomach

And we felt like the stars in the entire galaxy shine in his/her eyes

But not now?

And I now wonder, whether our romantic relationship when we are already an adult is more of a social thing, a thing that the society expected from us, the norm, instead of something pure that grow from our heart

Then I also wonder, my struggle forgetting someone also has to do with the society expectation and me wanting to be like every body else?

Do we really have the capability to love now we have grown into such a logical being?

'Oh I like him because he has a nice job with decent family'

I mean what kind of quality did we see in our past partner that made us blind and so so stupidly happy? Was that those quality? A job? Family line? I don't think so.

I guess this thing is going to keep me up all night tonight

Cibadak, 13 june 2019

[vomitingwords]

“But in the end, I realized that what I’ve felt for you, wasn’t the kind of love that you’ll ever need.” she said. “Even if it has meant everything to me.”

I let go // ma.c.a

[crimsonmeadow]

Closure

I definitely belittle the real meaning of closure.

Yet again in my perspective closure should come from the other person

It took me a long time, but

Reckoning that the door to moving on with my life is merely realizing that I don't want to be treated like I was some girl unworthy of love

That the phrase 'noone could compete if you're still in the picture' is just not right

There are myriad of men who are just as good as you, if not better

And of course there will be a lot too who can appreciate me better, not letting me go around chasing empty love and false hope

No, I am not longing for you anymore, i'm not going to drown in the sea of tears listening to some silly songs, anymore

Because I know now, I am the one who make the closure.

- cibadak, may 24th, 2019

Closing the door and letting go bit by bit

[crimsonmeadow]

No, I do not want to go to school because of the glittery pride of posting letter of acceptance in my instagram.

Partly, because I do not know what to do if I didn't pursue higher education

I'm not like my friends, getting themselves pumped up working with sick patient and preparing for residency program. It's not for me.

Nor I have a boy waiting for me asking for my hand. Nah, I am to ugly and ill-behaved for that kind of thing right now.

I'm so anxious yet thrilled because I know after master degree I will know how to help people the best way I know, doing things I believe I'm good at, working with healthy people so they do not get sick.

Don't you think it's amazing that we can actually create a system that could forestall unfortunate (but preventable) event such as disintegration of family because cripling medical bill?

I think it is, and it's really set my soul on fire.

Wish me luck

[crimsonmeadow]

Today I felt very grateful, in the midst of my afternoon nap after a pretty busy day at work, I dreamt of pictures, never had this kind of dream before, pictures of happy people taking a vacation, I know those people and I know a little bit of their story.

But you know, during my dream I realize, those people are newlyweds. Then I woke up with sweat and felt so freaking terrified . Why was I afraid of newlyweds? I thought.

Aside from that, I had an epiphany. Everybody knows that I was so exhausted of being alone, they probably are tired of hearing me whine about boys. Therefore now I reckon that probably this is for the best, God has given me longer time to grow, to matured, His plan was probably to make me understand myself first, to experience every exhilarating thing that I can get while I was just 23.

Probably the plan was to allow me to travel solo once again, now without me longing for a company like the last time but just merely me and the adventure of being young.

Until someday the universe decided that I’m ready, to share that adventure with the one who’s right for me, maybe. But for now, I’ll take the train, choose the single seat, and just go.

[crimsonmeadow]

I talked to god today and asked whether the one I perceived as the most suitable for me is the same with what He deemed the best

Oh please help

[crimsonmeadow]

We came to the age of not wanting to settle for less, but really anxious whether the right one will come along if we are too picky

Love sucks

[crimsonmeadow]

It’s devastating to know how replaceable you are to one person

Love sucks

[crimsonmeadow]

As you stumble upon someone you percieve as ‘the one’ and realize you end up wanting something you can’t have

Love sucks

[crimsonmeadow]

a friend asked me once, why do I hate that person so much? I mean how can you not hate the one who made you doubt your worth and made you feel like the worst person on earth

[crimsonmeadow]

Do you think someone can put too much effort on a friendship?

[crimsonmeadow]

Feelings are weird. I know for damn sure that I like one particular person but just the thought that the person doesn’t feel the same way could take me to an endless pit of doubt.

[crimsonmeadow]

I think being in love during our teenage year and quarter life is very different, yet I still feel those butterflies in my stomach during certain dim-lighted rendezvous that I had in this period.

[wilsonpatricks-deactivated20191]

Don’t you leave him Samwise Gamgee