Well… Jokes aside, this chapter was really depressing. I knew from the very start of my experience with Tg that kaneki was probably going to die, but having it pretty much confirmed is disheartening anyways. The general mood is incredibly gloomy, kaneki’s health is so deteriorated that he looks like a ghost (he probably is one, in a sense).
I’d really like to spend a few words for Touka. The poor girl is getting so much hatred that’s unfair. First people called her abusive, then accused her of forcing kaneki to have sex because she wanted to trap him or something, last chapter she was a monster for keeping her pregnancy secret, now she’s literally the devil because she chose to put her child’s future before everyone (even Yoriko omg!!).
I’m going to write my two cents about all this drama, because I’m bored and insomnia is a bitch.
Touka is a woman, but let me put this straight, she’s still very young. She grew up in a world that hated her even before she was born. Touka had a loving family and her heart was filled with kindness and affection, she knew that specific type of warmth, she played with her brother and a little bird. In a blink of an eye she lost everything, even hope. Left behind, betrayed by all that kindness that was her father’s condemn. So Touka put herself together alone, struggling to survive, no one around to guide her, to support and promote her emotional growth. She cried silently, shamefully, hating her innate tenderness. She didn’t want to end up like Arata. Loneliness and rage, power and distance altogether, but… She met Yoriko and her eyes were gentle, too gentle to be ignored. She met kaneki and he was an idiot, a useless, indecisive weakling; his eyes were full of sorrow and Touka let them sink into her own pain.
Touka fell in love with someone, a stranger to be honest, and love itself is a difficult matter. She was lookin for an image, a memory, fond and terrible at the same time. Fear of losing as a twisted form of complacency…
She doesn’t know how to be completely sane, she’s still craving love without understanding its multiple faces. SHE WAS ALONE, missing that precious piece of herself, always longing, waiting… She doesn’t want to feel isolated anymore. Kaneki… He is not a perfect lover, he has troubles, he aches constantly, but he is… Somehow… Sweet. Touka doesn’t know him, not so much, not as good as she should. Their relationship is tainted by their own warped concept of love. But is this really so terrible? Is this really so incomprehensible for a girl desiring more closeness, more understanding, more REALITY? She wishes for kaneki to become a real person for once, to complete the puzzle of his shattered identity. Someone she can be with, someone she can care for without any fear. I know a lot of readers will not like this statement, but the harsh truth is that, for many people, sex represents a way of bonding. A direct, imperfect, exclusive one, of course. Emotions are not easily manageable, especially when you have spent most of your life fighting to be “just invisible”. Touka wanted her answers, wanted to put a name to her swirling feelings, so she made her move. Kaneki was more than willing to embrace their moment together.
Kaneki… He’s a young man. He was hurt a lot by the people he loved the most. He was told to shut up, to be a maggot (small, insignificant), to not upset anyone with his existence. His mother gave him the message he was a nuisance for the world and unfortunately he belived her. Kaneki doesn’t really want to live, to get attached, to feel. He’s good with his books, foreign worlds, inoffensive artificial emotions. Touka is the first ghoul he met after Rize. She is a blazing flame, she lives her personal hell with proudness and a bit of recklessness. She is beautiful and she shakes him from the inside. He fell for her twice, even when he didn’t know who he really was. Kaneki needs to be shaken, he really does. Kaneki enjoyed having sex with her and at the end, he quietly slept on her knees, SMILING. No one of them really thought about the consequences, they just AGREED to freed themselves from every intrusive thought, chasing after that precious thing so mysterious and always far away.
Kaneki and Touka are two young adults overwhelmed by a crazy world that has never really protected them (actually they are still learning how to protect themselves).
However this crazy world is also unforgiving. They are BOTH responsible of their actions, they had sex TOGHETER and sure as hell none of them wished to become a parent, especially not Touka. Yes, she has been carless, but Kaneki too. How can anyone ignore the torment she’s living? She found herself pregnant and nothing can change the past. So now, even tho she didn’t planned anything, she’s enduring terrible physical pain, even not knowing if her efforts are somehow useful, because she cannot let the creature inside of her die. And at first her greatest concern was still to PROTECT kaneki, sparing him from the responsibility of being a father. Kaneki has already the entire world on his shoulders, so she didn’t want to make him even more anxious. She was ready to live this hell alone, for Kaneki’s sake. I usually don’t like when other people try to impose their decisions on others, but I was still impressed by Touka’s abnegation.
I’m happy she chose to tell kaneki everything in this chapter. The baby is also kaneki’s and he has has the right AND the duty to take full responsibility.
Now please spare me the comments about Touka mentioning another girl or the childish argument “THEY DON’T SEEM HAPPY! THEY ARE SO FAKE!!”.
First of all, Touka is a sarcastic person. We know this from the very beginning of Tg. Touka uses irony every time she feels uncomfortable, embarrassed or scared. Even when she confessed a few chapters ago she tried to appear casual about the matter, even if her thoughts were complex and also tinged with sadness (remember her referring to kaneki’s suicidal tendencies?). Please don’t be ridiculous by giving meaning to Touka’s silly ice breakers. If you want to criticize use more convincing arguments. As for the “ they don’t seem happy! ” thing, well… OF COURSE they are not happy! Kaneki is literally dying, he doesn’t even know if he’ll be lucky enough to see this child’s face, the pregnancy itself has an high risk of failure, Touka and kaneki know this for a fact and it’s frightening. The world is burning, ghouls and humans are at each others’ throats more violently than ever and at the moment ghoulkind is definitely losing. They are starving and are forced to live underground. So… Tell me: what exactly should kaneki and Touka be celebrating?
At least kaneki tried to connect more this time. Touka gave him a ring, now he tells her in his typically childish way that he truly cares for her and that he wants them to be together like a real family.