Agatha Harkneas x Rio Vidal and Louis Du Point du Lac x Lestat de Lioncourt
These two somehow rhyme between the theme of having a child that passes away and one being avoidant attachment the other anxious, and dealing with each other’s unhealed traumas and hurting each other more but also healing each other in unexpected ways and force you to confront yourself
Also because Agatha would also say shit like “I have the blood of Akasha in me” and she’s canonically Jolene in the MCU. If Lestat and Agatha went on tour? First, everyone would be so mad. Gabrielle? Mad. Wanda? Mad. Armand and Louis? Mad. The twins? Mad. Rio? Oh man she’d be like “their nightly bloodbath follows by those thinly disguised songs? Fuck these children” and Louis would have no choice but to agree.
This is my AU that will never go anywhere, where Agatha and Wanda are best, best friends, Viz is as usual not in the picture (no one cares about Vision), the twins are around, and it's vaguely set around Book 4 or 5 of Dungeon Crawler Carl.
The Brief Interaction of The Royal Court of Princess Donut and The Soccer Moms
A Dungeon Crawler Carl/WandaVision AU Crossover
We'd never met the Soccer Moms before. I knew Donut had trash-talked back and forth with Agnes Oco, who had hovered just outside of the top ten and appeared once or twice on the fifth floor. By all accounts, Agnes killed the hell out of massed mobs and had saved the asses of several parties, but also had serious murder hobo vibes so nobody wanted to join up with their party. The Soccer Moms had a small, dedicated following due to their backstory, though according to Donut they could get kind of maudlin with their tight-knit family vibes.
There were four of them: Agnes Oco, her best friend Wanda Max, and Wanda's two sons, Billy and Tommy Max. They had been outside when the collapse happened, about to get into Agnes's giant SUV so they could all go to Tommy's indoor soccer tournament for a traveling team. The Soccer Moms had been incredibly lucky; they had two duffel bags full of clothes and gear and a third bag full of soccer supplies sitting on the side of the car before it disappeared. Agnes had been carrying a handgun in her purse and Tommy Max had earned a Platinum Pelé box for being the first crawler to bring soccer balls into the dungeon.
However, it had been Wanda who had permanently stuck the party with the name The Soccer Moms when she'd used a soccer ball to decapitate a mob on the first floor.
Tommy, a blond kid who was about six feet tall wearing cleats, held out a fist to us. I quickly added him to my chat along with the other three. The lanky teen immediately sent me a private message while the other three stood a bit away from me and Donut.
Tommy MAX: Don't be offended if Auntie Ags gives you shit. That's just how she is.
Carl: As long as she isn't trying to murder my party or other crawlers, she can give me all the shit she wants.
Tommy MAX: Rumors of Auntie's murder hobo-ness are...well, not greatly exaggerated, but she isn't actively trying to kill crawlers. She just doesn't care if crawlers are getting in the way when she is, according to her, 'trying to save SOME idiots from dying and getting us killed.'
Donut and Agnes Oco were staring each other down, clearly talking shit to each other on a private chat. Agnes was a Level 34 Wine Aunt, Wanda was a Level 36 Chaotic Mage, Billy was a Level 29 Boy Wonder, and Tommy was a Level 30 Speedster. While I wasn't sure how I felt about the Soccer Moms yet, I approved of how everyone in the party had solid stats and levels. They wouldn't be easy for the dungeon to kill, even if I had no idea what Agnes' class meant.
Carl: What the hell is a Wine Aunt?
Mordecai: It's a weird hybrid class. Bard and fighter. She can cast spells by singing or telling stories, and those get stronger with her charisma. Also, she can throw projectiles very accurately, particularly liquid ones out of containers. The recap shows spend a lot of time talking about her Invisible Woman spell.
I remembered now. The reason Agnes Oco was the famous member of Soccer Moms was her Level 10 Invisible Woman spell, which she'd earned for being the oldest woman in the party AND the first to kill a mob two levels higher than herself. Invisible Woman let Agnes hide in plain sight - she could cast it and mobs were unable to see her even if she was standing right next to them for thirty seconds plus her intelligence times three. The neat trick to Invisible Woman was that other crawlers could see her even when mobs and NPCs couldn't, letting their healer (Billy) buff her and extend the spell. They'd made the spell even more effective using Agnes' Wine Aunt class; she'd sing a little jingle to duplicate herself and suddenly there were three visible Agnes for mobs to chase while Agnes herself sniped the oblivious mobs either with a nasty pair of sai, a set of enchantable throwing knives, or by the amusing if dangerous method of throwing liquid attacks from a bucket or cup.
Donut: CARL, SHE INSULTED MY SINGING ABILITIES.
Carl: Tommy says not to take her seriously. She's trying to rile you up.
Donut: SHE SAYS I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, GIVEN MY BRAINS AND SPECIES, NOT TO ATTEMPT ANYTHING BARDIC. I LIKE THAT SHE RESPECTS MY INTELLIGENCE BUT WHO THE HELL IS SHE TO SAY ANYTHING? ALSO HER CHARISMA IS VERY HIGH FOR A MURDER HOBO.
While I am being tragically starved of Agatha Harkness/Kathryn Hahn content, I have to admit my feed is full of Amber Glenn, Rhaenicent, Supergirl, and other top-shelf sapphic content these days.
why are some of you so against canon hot carl. he literally has a mary sue monologue in the first book where he’s like “btw im six foot three and jacked as hell, this is relevant to the plot because you need to know the physics of why this goblin fucking explodes when i jump on it are legit.” like even if his face is mid, that’s still a conventionally attractive man. and he has pretty princess hair now. that guy’s hot and i think we just need to accept it
Spoiler: Wanda and Agatha finally have sex again, lol.
AO3 Link
I've never seen a light move
Like yours can do to me -- "Putting the Damage On"
Agatha is so lovely when she's soft and vulnerable, looking up at Wanda with her bright blue eyes, all her pale skin exposed for Wanda to nibble, lick, suck, kiss, whatever she will. Her salt-and-pepper hair fans out on the pillow and Wanda enjoys the view, running her hands over Agatha's stomach, the gentle pouch at the bottom, the curves of her hips. The way her tiny belly and her hips create beautiful valleys along her v-lines that Wanda traces one finger down one and then the other.
Her nipples get hard, tighten under Wanda's admiring gaze. Wanda smiles at her.
"You make me want to live four hundred years," she tells Agatha, whose hips roll sensuously. "That's how gorgeous you are right now, sweetheart."
Wanda leans down and licks the sweat from Agatha's collarbone. Agatha moans.
Princess, please, Agatha begs, eyes tearing up.
"Princess, please what?" Wanda asks, running her hands up and down Agatha's sides and enjoying the ticklish shivers and jolts she earns. "Princess, go slow? Princess, I want you? Princess, kiss me until I can't see straight?"
"Wanda, I'm," and Agatha stares at her with helpless wonder. "I want you. Badly. Did you doubt that?"
"No, dear," Wanda says with a vicious smile of delight as she cups Agatha's breasts. "What a good girl, using your words. I like your words, Agatha. They get me wet."
"Yeah?" Agatha asks in a weak whimpering tone. "I can give you my words if you'll fuck me, baby. All my words. I can tell you how good you make me feel. I can be good for you, please let me be good."
Wanda runs a teasing finger up and down, from clit to opening and back up. Agatha gasps and bucks, hips rising and breasts bouncing, just in time for Wanda to seal her mouth around a nipple and suck before brushing it with teeth.
"Oh!" Agatha cries. "Oh, that's good, so good, you're so good, Wanda, a perfect student for me."
Wanda whines against the hot skin of Agatha's breath. Tell me how I'm a good girl.
"You're a good student, baby," Agatha urges, a hand finding Wanda's hair and tugging roughly. "You know that I need those teeth, making it hurt a little. Teasing me like the naughty girl you are. Treating me like a queen."
I learned from the best, Teacher, Wanda thinks, moving from one breast to the other. You make me come over and over and how to make a woman come all over my face.
Agatha moans. "Fuck, Wanda, I want that," she says. "Please, make me come with your mouth, baby? I'll be so good. I promise when you finish fucking me, I'll serve you like you want."
Wanda pauses, her own cunt clenching at the idea of Agatha "serving" her.
"Oh, God," she whispers. "You're trying so hard to please me, aren't you, sweet thing? You know I like the idea of you serving me."
"I like it, too," Agatha says, flushed. "Being good for someone. I can be good for you."
Wanda wraps a gentle hand in Agatha's hair and leans down to kiss her, their lips parting, Agatha's hungry tongue immediately in her mouth.
You're so good for me, Agatha. A good teacher, a good whore who spreads her slutty legs, the best girl for me, Wanda thinks, remembering that Agatha had begged her not to be too nice. And it works. Agatha immediately digs her nails into Wanda's shoulder and tries to shove her needy cunt against Wanda's. When I take all that control from my brilliant, beautiful teacher, she's going to be dripping, isn't she?
Yes, yes, fuck yes, I'll be all yours, you can teach me how to be a good good girl, Agatha replies, sounding feverish.
Wanda pulls on Agatha's hair roughly and pulls back to hear Agatha's heated cry.
"Please, please, princess," Agatha starts begging. "I might come untouched, I don't want to be bad for you, eat me out so I can keep being good?"
She's crying, she's so wound up. Wanda's suddenly tight with desire and leans down and licks one of the tears, shivering with want.
Oh, you are so perfect like this. Needy and desperate and so empty without me all around you, Wanda murmurs, kissing her way down Agatha's exposed skin, licking and nibbling around her tummy while parting her thighs further. Agatha is whining and rolling her hips, every movement begging to be fucked and fucked hard.
Wanda thinks she hears Agatha begging, but the blood is roaring in her ears as she reaches the crux of the other woman's thighs and gently blows on the skin there.
Agatha screams, hips coming up. Wanda puts her hands on them and holds them down.
"Ah ah ah, pretty, you can't come yet," Wanda says, pressing a kiss just above Agatha's clit.
"I need to, please, I need to be fucked," Agatha begs, hands twisted in the sheets. She's so noisy, trying to move and seek relief. "Please, I'm being good."
Wanda appreciates that, and uses her fingers to find exactly what she's looking for before she leans down and licks an appreciative line up and down as Agatha bucks up and down.
Don't you dare stop making all those pretty noises, teacher, Wanda threatens, tongue working her dark-haired mentor up further. You promised me words.
"Oh, fuck," Agatha whines, grinding herself against Wanda's chin and tongue. "Please, it feels so good when you lick it like that, I'm so hot right now. It makes me feel good, baby, please please please, lick me up."
She's being such a good girl, filthy-mouthed and responsive to every order Wanda gives her. It makes Wanda throb between her thighs. Wanda is doing this to Agatha, and it turns both of them on. Also, it makes it easy to flick Agatha's clit with the tip of her tongue and get rewarded with a throaty moan.
"I want to come all over your face, princess," Agatha says in a low, throaty voice. "Suck on it. Harder."
Wanda sucks and Agatha screams, hips bucking up. Then she goes back to licking up and down while Agatha moans.
"You're making it hard to..." Agatha starts panting. "I want to come, please let me come, make me come, Wanda, I can't take it."
You come when I say you come, Wanda snarls, nipping Agatha's inner thigh and enjoying the cry of meek agreement. Good girl. Who's in charge here?
"You are, you are, I'm just your toy," Agatha agrees, her head moving back and forth. "Please, Wanda, it's so much, let me show you how good you're making me feel, I'm so close, I'm so close!"
She's babbling, her skin red and sweaty, her body not entirely under her control. Wanda is afraid she might come, too, watching how exposed Agatha is like this. This is everything she's wanted, to have Agatha just like this, submissive and needy and high on the pleasure of being fucked hard by Wanda and telling her so.
Say my name, then. Come all over me.
Agatha screams Wanda's name at the top of her lungs and squirts, thrashing and wailing as Wanda fucks her through it, licking and sucking at the mess covering her face from eyebrow to throat.
What a good slut, squirting on me, showing me how your cunt belongs to me, Wanda thinks and maybe it's the bad thing, but it's all her. Keep going, pretty thing, show me how this body is mine.
Agatha is incoherent, pulling on Wanda's hair. "Come up here, please, come up here, I can't - you can't keep - fuck, Wanda, fuck, " she cries out, one hand in Wanda's hair and another trying to reach Wanda's shoulder. Wanda smirks, licks one last time and slides up her lover's body easily, reveling at the needy, wanton way Agatha is hauling her in for a long kiss, licking the come off her lips.
I like this, Wanda says, staring down at Agatha's blown out pupils. Not so tough when I fuck the control out of you, huh, baby?
"Kiss me," Agatha pleads. "Don't, don't, I can't think, just touch me and kiss me, please."
Wanda kisses her viciously, but her hands are gentle as she strokes the sweaty skin beneath her. When they break the kiss, Wanda smiles at Agatha with all the desire and fondness that's been bubbling under the skin.
"Good girl," Wanda praises, pushing Agatha's unruly hair behind her ear. "Was that so hard? To be treated like you deserved? Such a good girl. Just beautiful when you give it up to me, teacher, making a mess in your bed for me."
"Only for you," Agatha promises, wild-eyed and simply - conquered, that's the word Wanda wants to use. Right now, Agatha will let Wanda use her however she wants. If Wanda wants to flip Agatha over and fuck her deep? Agatha will take it. If she sits on Agatha's face, Agatha will lick her until Wanda tells her to stop.
The feeling rippling through Wanda is so good, it's almost better than the orgasm that's aching to happen between her thighs. She pushes herself up and straddles Agatha, who is passively looking up at her, absolutely wrung out.
"Oh, Wanda Maximoff, what big eyes you have," Agatha says, a ghost of a smile on her tired face. Wanda licks her lips and stares down at her. "I'll be good! I'm being good."
"You're being very good," Wanda agrees, putting a hand around Agatha's sharp, clever face. "I'm very pleased with you, Agatha."
Agatha swallows, but she doesn't move beyond a little stretch and adjustment, the way anyone would having a lover in their lap.
Wanda grins down at her and then draws two fingers up Agatha's body, stomach to throat to her half-open lips. Agatha lets her mouth open and Wanda pushes inside, groaning at the sensation of having Agatha's tongue swirl and suck on her fingers.
"Oh, yes, sweetheart," Wanda says. "Do you want a reward for being so compliant? I think you need a little something..."
She puts her other hand on Agatha's stomach and lets the power flow out of her, watching with utter abandon as Agatha sucks harder and the power goes from scarlet to violet, and Agatha comes again, a muffled wail around Wanda's slick fingers.
Oh, my god, Agatha's breathy thoughts. Oh, my god.
Then she looks up at Wanda and half-smiles with real humor. Um. I hate to kill the mood, but I really need to use the bathroom. Then I'm all yours for the day, Mistress Maximoff, but oof, my bladder is full.
Wanda scrambles off her, laughing. "You couldn't say that?"
"Pardon me, but my mouth was full!" Agatha says with a guffaw, smacking Wanda on the shoulder as she heads for the toilet. "God, you really are never satisfied, are you, my dear?"
"No," Wanda says, watching her hustle away and feeling the bad thing rumble with a need for more. "No, I don't think I'll be satisfied for quite a while, Miss Harkness."
Chances that Mother and Teagan Croft show up at D23 for an emergency "Mother Knows Best" next month? Just went up, and I don't know if it's a good thing or not! I suspect they've been drilling her since she got that part in late December between filming The Studio, hence the social media drought, and who knows? The reviews could mean nothing, as they didn't mean much for Lilo and Stitch...
The live action remake of Moana is out this week, here are the first reactions from those who have seen it.
12 skulls Imani. The first example of "it might get worse before it gets better." Queen of "They will not break me." He might not even realize it, but Carl's ideals were demonstrated and reinforced by Imani. Maybe the most important woman in the series? (I love her)
Meeting all of Meadow Lark was clearly deeply formative, but meeting Imani? Imani, who loved her people enough to mercy kill them? Imani, who loved her co-workers enough to take that decision off of them? Imani, who physically left behind the bloody choices of the first two floors and the pvp tickets, and chose a race and class that let her go back to healing? (I love her)
Someone is mad at me on Reddit because I said Wanda is a lock to play the Beyonder equivalent in Secret Wars and that my wild-ass guess is that Agatha is going to be the one to say, "stop powering Doom's shitty reality, hon, your kids and your dumb robot boyfriend are alive, let's go home" after guiding the Young Avengers to take down Doom's control. This seems like it'd be good! Said Redditor's like "but that would make Agatha the hero, not Wanda and everyone will be on Agatha's side then."
Me: Um, objectively, if you spend your afterlife saving the multiverse from Doctor Doom and reuniting your frenemy's family, you get to be the hero, even if you were a dirtbag serial killer in your life. Also that is the comics canon tendency between Wanda and Agatha, why is this shocking, they do big weird emotional things to each other.
HEY. Remember when I wrote this fic and called it Interview with the Witch-Killer? I SURE DO.
"Considered to return." lololol there's a reason Kathryn Hahn mostly stopped doing fun public events since last summer. I cannot imagine what her schedule has been like since June 2025, because they figured out Tangled in what, December 2026? (Edit: December 2025, I keep thinking it’s 2027 out of wishful thinking)
