Late Night Thoughts @crispyrealizations - Tumblr Blog

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lilpieceofmyworld

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hope your pets stay healthy in 2017

rotg-fan-page

I almost didn’t blog this and felt guilty

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Not risking it

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:')

Today was such a good day. Feeling very grateful for everything

weltenwellen

Why do people think being with someone is the answer to everything?

Elizabeth Scott (via na-ji)

I'm glad that the emotional toxicity is slowly seeping away from me after all this time

mapsontheweb

Australia overlaid on the U.S.

More size comparison maps >>

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I never realized this

crispyrealizations

Yah Australia's pretty fucking huge dude

idiona

I hope something unexpectedly good happens to you this week.

artist-kandinsky

Movement I by Wassily Kandinsky

Size: 116x89 cm Medium: mixed technique on canvas

I realize that whenever I act irrationally, it's to cope with the hurt that I'm suppressing deep inside.

A similar thing happened two years ago. I picked up smoking, drank a lot more, fooled around, all as a distraction from what was really bothering me. This feeling of guilt. The feeling of uselessness; the realization that I could've done something mildly helpful, and that I ultimately didn't. The fact that I can't make up for what I have and haven't done anymore. I called this period a "life is short so just live" kind of phase, when I think in reality it was just a numbing, coping mechanism for my anxiety and depression. Now, strangely, it's coming back. I think the last semester of college has its own pressure with academics and social life that I'm adopting this reckless, irrational lifestyle again. On the surface, it's because I want to "fully and freely enjoy my last semester here." But if I'm being honest with myself, I know that's not the actual case. The reality is, I don't know what kind of place I have in this society, and especially out in the real world. I say to myself that I'm interested in this particular career path, but I constantly feel like I'm not cut out for it. I want to get to know other people, but once they come too close I push them away. I give the excuse that "I don't want to be tied down right now," when I think I really just don't want to be hurt again. Then it's just a full circle of negative feelings - filled with anxiety and fear that I am just going to end up alone for the rest of my life.

It really is hard to get my mind out of this positive feedback loop.