Seattle 4/12-16
I can’t believe where I stand after this weekend. I guess I ever expected myself to be feeling this way after so many things I was S C A R E D of happened in such a short amount of time. I let go, I let myself live, I let myself love, I let myself be sad, and I let myself actually experience everything I wanted to instead of holding so many emotions in. Having a perfect first day somehow it seemed as the whole trip was going to pan out that way, with the rain stopped just long enough for us to venture and explore downtown while walking the streets of downtown Seattle and coming across familiar sights once again. Never did I think after all the heartache I endured and I felt accompanied this city that I would be wandering around with such joy and warmth, despite the freezing temperatures. Getting to indulge myself with such sights and locations that I didn’t get the chance to immerse in during trips prior. I felt as though this happiness was setting the tone for the entirety of the trip, which overall it did and the happiness is extended to life after this excursion, but let me tell you. It. Went. South. Followed by more exploring, the beginning of the 13th seemed promising, we went to a location I’ve had in mind for over a year now and I could not have been happier with sitting there for hours, regardless if it was just an overhyped coffee shop, it brought me such bliss to sit there and sip on my coffee staring out the window into a city which I have feared for so long now, and having the fear washed over by such captivating sights and emotions flooding into me as fast as the coffee was. Regardless of how bitter cold it was, I endured it well and welcomed it with open arms, because I did need the slap in the face that it felt like I was getting from it. I could just not believe what was happening and how I was taking it all in. Having a city, a whole city plagued with the thoughts of someone who was so haunting in a sense, all of that vanished in a matter of hours. I did not experience the dread I thought I would, revisiting locations and no rush of emotions came with it brought a blanket of peace over me and possibly over the whole trip. Letting myself enjoy this night after exploring, allowing myself to enjoy the company of people I did not know and make a fool of myself just like they all were, was such a relief. Knowing that I’d probably never see them again I gave no thought into just being myself and it felt SO. GOOD. Not having to think before words spilled like water in a flooded sink was so satisfying. Giving myself the green light to submerge myself in all that was going on around me without worrying what others would think, because honestly half of them wouldn’t remember what happened anyways, was so rewarding and gave me such a rush. Now, for the disasters, which it isn’t like I’ve purposefully put all the good first then the bad, it’s just how our trip seemed to pan out for us. It all started with our detour not being able to happen since driving conditions just were not ideal and I’m glad that I didn’t have to drive 3 hours in the rain I would’ve been exhausting. That left us with no plans for Saturday though, our whole itinerary for the day was based on our detour we were supposed to take, so we revisited sights and just got lost for the fun of it. Which somehow ended with us at a baseball game drinking beers and learning that the night before hadn’t been forgotten like I thought it would be. We never watched the game. We never even attempted to. Which me being me, should have pissed me off. I paid for that ticket? I wasted so much money to get into that stadium, but my mindset somehow switched at this point and what would have once been anger just turned into serenity. We left, after not even being there for more than maybe 2 hours, and I was? Perfectly fine with it. We walked in the pouring rain almost a mile while bar hopping, and I was enjoying every second of it. The fear of getting sick, which would have flooded my mind during any other point in my life, it was like I was a completely different person. We ran in the rain, laughed, jumped, paraded around as if we ran the city. We just people watched since our drinks were making their way out of our systems at this point and everything was still as entertaining as when I was at my peak drunkness. Until the messages, which made me sob. Lock myself in a strangers room and cry to my brother about a man who deserved not an ounce of the reaction he got out of me. I was overcome with the feeling that I had to go, had to see what ‘justified’ it when in reality nothing ever would. The split second our eyes met which was only followed by rage and emptiness, but I walked away just like he did. I pushed every feeling and want to chase after him and yell everything I wanted to get out that I’ve held in for a year. Instead, I walked away, we both did, me filled with rage, and him filled with alcohol. It was like we somehow got shoved back a year into the past and everything came back for a bit. The anger was brought up, the tears were spilled and I had a sleepless night knowing that again, he just walked away without a word. Which is why I have no fucking clue as to how I woke up laughing about everything that happened which had me so enraged I was walking in rain without a jacket getting drenched. It took me hours to get over what took me months go get over last time and I could not have been more thankful for that. I simply woke up in disbelief and the amount of stupidity it took for him to send those messages and act as if he owned the city. I laughed at the fact that the fact of me plagued his mind so much, after somehow finding out I was there, God knows how that happened, that he had to finally communicate with me after a year of silence. Thoughts of me flooded his mind so much that in the moments of his intoxication he couldn’t help himself from trying to ruin me again. He couldn’t help but wanting to see me, even though he has someone he calls his own. Meanwhile, if I would have known what number it was sending me those texts, I wouldn’t have replied in the first place. (Now I know why Gaby had contacts saved as Don’t Reply, it really would’ve saved my fucking ass big time). I didn’t though, so it happened, the moment I have dreaded for a year, seeing him again and for those few seconds he was in my line of sight I didn’t even know what to feel, it was so much to comprehend. I thought I would have flown back with regret and tears spilling after that night, I was so terrified that I was going to fall into the void of heartbreak and pain once again. It never came, it seems as if it was washed away with the rainfall that consumed me as I was walking away from someone I once loved, again. Now back to waking up in disbelief, I was also surprised I woke up in the state I did, so calmly even after a restless night. I held no grudge, everything happened exactly how it was supposed to happen. No words were exchanged because it probably would have hurt so much more. I was thankful that all I got was a stare as if he was staring at a ghost, he was staring at a ghost from his past which he thought would never go back to ‘his city’ for the fact that he was still there. Getting a t*cket and I didn’t even tremble, I didn’t even stutter, I wasn’t even mad? I was so confused at my own reaction yet I just rolled with it, I rolled with the composure and tranquility that was within me and it hasn’t seemed to leave yet. In such a short amount of time I learned to take life as it comes and let it go once I’ve handled it and let my emotions come as they do. No need to sulk in sadness, unless it’s warranted, but this peace that has bloomed in me is such an amazing state of mind and I’m so thankful I have reacted in the ways I did. Although the second half of this trip ended up being the most shit show filled days, I didn’t let it overcome the euphoria that the amazing moments in our trip brought us. I didn’t let him ruin the city for me yet again, I’ve let the new memories over reinstate the joy I thought this city would bring me while seeing it showcased so beautifully in shows. I’ve found a new state of being, and I never want to let this trip end.
